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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Didn't Steal Your Boyfriend...

So...have you ever like been mad about something and then you're totally over it but when you tell the story to someone you get all mad again?

Yeah that's me right now.

SO. Why the angry Sally?

Angry Sally is SICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK of being harrassed by this CRAAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZY girl at the gym and her equally dumpy friend.

I know her. Kinda.

Basically she's this crazy bitch who hates me for talking to/dating/whatever this guy that she...well I guess she liked. I dont know. Apparently she liked him and then they didn't work out and he met me and he liked me (and for my best friends who know...he liked me a LITTLE too much--nothing says love like a restraining order hahahha)

She called me "submissive little Asian girl" and a "dirty slut' The first one she said to a mutual party (mutual at the time) and the second thing, she right out said when i was walking by her at a bar.

She goes to my gym.

It's a free country. I get it.

BUT.

She STARES AT ME the whole time. She and her friend will get on machines RIGHTINFRONTOFME and whisper and turn and stare.

My normally happy iPod music, changes and while i'm chugging away on the treadmill, I'll go from a bouncy fun song from Britney, BEP etc to Tupac, Eminem and Rage Against the Machine.

It's to the point where the people in the middle row separating us, turn and look at me too!!

I dont go to the gym at the same time and sometimes i swap out days! Like if im grabbing drinks or dinner with a friend i might skip a night i normally go on and then go the next day. AND SHES THERE!

ONE TIME, the CREEPIEST time, she was on EVERY machine next to me. The treadmill..i was running, she was walking but staring at me. then i got creeped out and moved to the bike (aka the fat girls' idea of a work out). She hopped on the bike next to me....BUT DIDNT PEDAL. SHE JUST STARED.

Then i went to go stretch out and she sat in the area RIGHT BY me and walked out of the gym. Staring is exhausting i suppose...?

I dont know.

It's annoying and it's frustrating. And as I just told my darling Christy just now, "an angry sally in a room with freeweights is NOT a good idea."

I dont know what to do. I'm not changing my gym. I'm not changing when I go (not that's ever at the same time anyways).

Should i say something to her? I thought about flicking her off the next time her and her equally cunty friend stare at me. But that's just childish.

And gratifying...

Or should i say "WHAT BITCH? GOTTA PROBLEM? MAD AT ME B/C I HAVE TWO EYEBROWS AND YOU DONT?"

And it's not just me that thinks she's crazy. Pamela KNOWS she's crazy b/c she knew the girl before i did!

That said, Corinne you fucking old ass weird crazy stalker bitch--if you're reading this, FUCK. OFF.

And if you're not? I'd like everyone reading this regardless if i know you or not, to message me and i'll tell you her last name. Hit her up on facebook and tell her to back the fuck up before she gets smacked the fuck up.

KTHANKS!

Monday, November 22, 2010

I'm Not Gonna Write You a Love Song

I'm with you Sarah Barralis. Or however the hell you spell your name.
I'm not writing a love song.
I wanna make a ridiculous amount of money and since the job market blows and Katy Perry didnt want to pay my bills, I need to find another way.

Ladies and Gentlemen of my blog...

I am going to be...


A one hit wonder.

My musial inspiration?

Ke$ha.

Love her or hater her (i go back and forth), that bitch is worth 2.5 million dollars.

...Seriously!

I call my song

"AutoTune The Room"

Please see the meaningful, deep lyrics I've created in 8 minutes below.

I thank you for the compliments ahead of time.


"AutoTune The Room"
By: Sally Socialite

Get wasted
Get drunk
Fill up your glass
Raise it up
Party til the sun comes up

Show me what you got

That's hot

shots shots shots shot-shots

Make your way through the crowd

Get loud
Get crazy
Drink until everything's hazy

DJs spinnin all night long
2 more shots until our song
Sweat fallin
Guys ballin
Pay the tab
Call a cab

Do it up
Do it right
Do it all night

Party til the end
Then do it all over again

....Hollaaaaaa....

Dead or Alive

Oh yes. It's time again for me vs the little sister Julie.

Everytime my family likes to make jokes at my expense like im an airhead valley girl, Julie seems to shut everyone up b/c the girl does NOT know ANYTHING about history OR current events.

Obviously, no one really is a CNN news ticker and knows everything that's going on. I mean like there are like a lot of places in the world and lots of things going on so it's like impossible!

But there are some common sense things that you oughta know!

Julie, mind you, being the same person who thought that Pavarotti (the late italian opera singer) was responsible for killing Princess Diana. When i unkindly let her know that it was the PAPARAZZI she was like "WHatever same thing."

I think not.

She was babbling about not so current affairs so i decided to play a game with her called "Dead or Alive" where i would name people and she would say if they were dead or alive.

Me: Led Zeppelin.
Julie: Alive.... ::glances at my face expression:: Dead good and alive in our hearts...
Me: You dont know do you?
Julie: I know that they...ROCK.
Me: 3 of 4 are ALIVE.
Julie: That was a trick question!
Me: Whatever. Next. Yasser Arafat.
Julie: What?
Me: YASSER. ARAFAT.
Julie: Oh yeah! I loved him on American Idol. I would've voted for him.
Me: WHAT?
Julie: He sang that song..."Baby I will wait for you..."
Me: THATS ELLIOT YAMIN.
Julie: Oh. Yeah whatever. Arafat...
Me: YES. Dead or alive?
Julie: Um...alive. He was great in that position he was in...what was it?
Me: (dripping with sarcasm) Corner back of the Steelers.
Julie: Oh yeah! Him and the terrible towel. What an athlete...
Me: HE WAS NOT.
Julie: Of course he was not! Who would think that??
Me: *sigh*
Julie: B/c he was too busy...um...being the leader of Al-Qaeda.
Me: HE WAS A LEADER OF THE P.L.O!
Julie: Right! Right. He's um...alive and doing a great job with the...organization.
Me: From BEYOND THE GRAVE BECAUSE HES DEAD YOU IDIOT.
Julie: I'm not gonna play this game if you call me names....
Me: Idi Amin.
Julie: Was he in...a...rap group?
Me: JULIE HE WAS A HORRIBLE PERSON! A leader and former president of Uganda!
Julie: Geez. Whats with you and these world leaders?
Me: What's with you NOT knowing ANY world leaders?
Julie: No! I know one. Um....The prime minister of England is um...isn't it uh....
Me: Yes?
Julie: ....Craig David?
Me: THATS THE GUY WHO SANG "Can you fill me innnn?"
Julie: On the latest in parliament. Maybe he liked musicals...
Me: NO. He's a singer.
Julie: Right. It's not him because John Blair is obviously the prime minister.
Me: NO. You're think of Tony Blair and it's not him anymore.
Julie: Since when!?
Me: Since...2007 or so?
Julie: And theydidn't tell me???
Me: READ A FUCKING NEWSPAPER FROM TIME TO TIME. CNN.COM. ANYTHING!
Julie: No. APPARENTLY, it makes people tense. Look at you, you're all riled up.
Me: B/c my sister is a moron.

And she is.

I still love her though...sometimes, like many people in our lives...she makes it hard. hahahah

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

That's Not My Name

What's in a name? That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet.

Sorry Juliet, but a name means soooooooooooo much. And as a girl named Sally, I must say it sucks but I cant even get mad b/c judging someone by their name makes total sense.

Like today, I was talking to my favorite at work Erine (pronounced Aaron...not Ernie as is Bert haha) and we were talking about this lady Bertha. I mean for cryin' out loud, her name is Bertha. The poor thing! Unless she's smoking hot (which is very doubtful), she doesn't stand a chance in this world! And if she is smokin' hot, she probably has enough damn sense to go by a middle name or a nick name.

Then some how Nigel and I were talking about names. I wont disclose Nigel's last name since i dont like to throw people out there like that on an internete blog but really, if you do know his last name and w/o knowing what he looks like, it seems very british white guy.

Nigel is black and from louisiana.

He was saying how people screw up his name and I believe his exact words were "I know they think cuz they see me and i'm black that my name will kinda sound like THAT WORD but I'm like dont say it man. It's nigel. Not Niggle. I know you wanna call me that..."

So vastly inappropriate. So incredibly hysterical!

But yeah back to my original point, I'm totally jealous b/c I dont have a sexy name. Seriously, my name is Sally. Chances are you think of an old crusty lady who has a cat and a candy dish and a big crocheted doylie on her couch. You dont think of the short fiesty Korean girl who's a hooker with a heart of gold aka me. And you certainly dont think of a bombshell.

Nigel asked what constitues a hot girl name and I started out by saying what's NOT a hot girl name. Gertrude. Bertha (obviously). Sally.

No guy has ever been like "Sally, yeah she's fuckin' hot"

They're more likely to say "Sally. Yeah she plays bridge with my Grandma"

I'm not fishing for compliments or being self depricating. I've learned over time to really like my name. Esp since (for those of you who know) it goes nicely with my last name\e. I think that's why my best friends or people who know me pretty well call me by my full name. I love it! It cracks me up.

Hot girl names, Nigel and I agreed on include most foreign names (like Natalia...not so much for Asian names sorry to report but as an Asian i can say i agree. The name "Phung" just doesnt cute...), K/Crystals, Valeries, Heathers, Hayley, Chloe etc.

Hot guy names are your Kyles, Justins, Marks, Ryans, etc.
Not hot guy names are the Eugenes, Forrest, Cledus, Max's of the world. (Now that i've said that, my future husband's name is going to be Eugene Forrest Max the 3rd...)

Admittedly, there are some names that are hard to categorize (even the ones mentioned above) b/c part of human nature is to associate names with people who you know and may not like and that makes you go ewww gross me out! B/c someone with that name is some whore you dont like or some douchebag you knew. I get it.

The other part of the name thing that kills me are the parents i want to SLAP b/c they should know better than to name their kid a certain first name KNOWING what their last name is.

Michael Jackson (went to middle school with a guy with that name. poor guy)
John Johnson (Really? You dont have to be creative or off the wall like Xavier or Sky but you couldnt think of anything better than John knowing damn well that his last name is johnson??)
Ben Dover ( i mean really. who are your parents? Bevis and Butthead??)

And so on and so forth.

So when you guys start getting preggo, may it be on purpose or OOPSIE, think it through before you legalize it.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

That Girl is Poisonnnnnnnn

That girl may be poison. This girl aka me, apparently DRINKS poison.

Someone send that memo to Bell Biv Devoe, yes?

And for the millionth time, it was not bloodly well a suicide attempt.

I do appreciate the love and warm fuzzies from my friends and even some acquaintances. Makes getting better a lot easier! :)

Not so appreciated? Stupid jokes from friends who ought to know better but dont. There's a time to joke but now isn't it. I'm not sure what's hilarious about almost losing the ability to speak or having your esophagus eaten away to the point where you might need a breathing tube so you dont die or stomach ulcers. Oh yeah. HYSTERICAL. And believe it or not, some people were more preoccupied with thinking of clever jokes about my sitch or "you cant eat certain foods? maybe you'll lose weight!" wait, did you just backhandedly call me fat? i think you did. Asshole. At least my tops of MY thighs dont rub together with such friction that it makes smokey the bear nervous. Yeah i said it.

I digress.

Although, after seeing my medical bills--yeah. That makes me suicidal. After healthcare notes were to continue my 3 diff meds (which btw are not fun drugs so dont ask me to share. unless you're crazy about prescription strength antacid...or ulcer coaters...or steroids. And no, not the kind of steroids you're thinking about. i.e. SALLY ANGRY! SALLY SMASH!)

I'm not big on politics but i know this much, we need to do something about this whole healthcare thing b/c guess what? I dont have the $XX,XXX.XX amount to just drop on my bills. I'm HIGHLY doubt I'm the only one.

Part of what really totally bugs me is that somehow illegal immigrants and people who lie to cheat the system are getting free health care, grants, and their bills written off but someone like me who's a born citizen, pays my bills/taxes, doesn't have a traffic ticket to her name, volunteers, cant get a break b/c while i am considered "poor" b/c of my annual income based on fed standards, b/c i dont have a reckless amount of children or married, i get fucked over. And it's not me, i know other people out there are going through the sammmmmmmmme bullshit.

Solution? Move to Canada Sally and quit bitching.

Well
1.)I have seriously considered it before but decided i love american football and warm weather too much
2.) I DO believe in our country except when it acts like a CUNT-ry. Healthcare issue is definitely one of the ones that makes me go, seriously? what are we savages?

Not really sure what the point of posting this was but dammit, at least I'm entertaining.

Now I'm off to go figure out ways to make more money including:
1.) Getting another job
2.) Selling a kidney
3.) Stripping in West Virginia
4.) Enter to see if Katy Perry will pay my bills (Hey, she paid Andrew's!)
5.) Being Ocean's 14th.

Wish me luck!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

SexyBack

Greetings from the bell tower aka my room. There is no good God reason for me to be at home on a Saturday night other than the simply fact that my face is TORE UP right now from that frickin allergic reaction. It's pretty bad...But getting better.

My face debacle and the time i've had on my hands (hiding from the public b/c my face is awful...in case i haven't made that painfully clear) has lead me to think about vanity.

All of my SUPER close friends know what crippling low self-esteem I have. (Note: This isn't a sob story and I'm not going to go further into it other than what i just wrote) and that lead me to think...if you think things can't get worse, they can.

Wait.

That's terribly Debbie Downer of me. But hopefully you got what I meant. I thought my face couldn't get worse and then it did. But then there's a silver lining meaning i should appreciate my face for what it looks like sans this allergy thing.

To those of you haven't seen me (which is pretty much everyone I dont live or work with) I look like i have no damn sense and just stuck my face in sand. Sexy, right?

Blah blah blah. All this said, it got me to think about my mission to find my sexiness. I think everyone has their own. Now...how true it is, is really within the eye of the beholder (or...beer-holder as the old saying goes).

I dont know WHY I can't find my sexy. I can't. And I'm not fishing for compliments or doing the thing that oh so many (well like every) hollywood starlet does when they say that they 'don't think they're sexy' or feel weird/funny when they have to do something sexy. Doesn't stop them from doing a Maxim spread or a nude scene though does it?

I digress.

The point being, I can't for the life of me figure out why i can't find my sexy. More than feeling stupid, it's not something I can do. Well for now. I've been on a mission to find my sexy side but i can't.

Halloween is the perfect time of year to slut it up and say "It's for Halloween" to excuse sluttish behavior. Not hatin'--just keepin it real per usual.

But I have NEVEr been anyhting sexy for Halloween. I mean really people, i was FLAVOR FLAV for halloween one year. Pretty comfy costume b/c i got to wear silk pjs around but note to any future Flavor Flav halloweeners (heh heh i just said weener..) DO NOT USE A REAL CLOCK AROUND YOUR NECK. It will hurt! Take it from stupid me...

This year i wanted to hide and pretend like halloween doesn't exist but with many a party around the corner, i just dont know if i can. So i glanced at some costumes and yeahhh basically if you're a girl the only costumes out there are of the "Sexy" variety. Sexy kitten, sexy witch, sexy fairy, sexy devil, sexy angel...blah blah blah. I'm like can i please find something that doesnt show off my boobs, ass, legs, midriff? But the only alternative is to go as something yucko and you def can't meet guys wearing a yucko costume.

But this lack of sally's sexyness is not just seasonal--it's all year. I tried to take a belly dancing class b/c it's sexy and sensual and ended up giggling hysterically throughout the entire course!

With the mens in my life when comes to sexy time, i either nervous babble or giggle. A. LOT. it's not really polite. nor is it sexy.

I mean Justin Timberlake not only has sexy but he brought it back TOO! i would LOVE to bring sexy back but it was never here in the first place!

What's a socialite to do? kajdslkjasldkfjs

The search continues...

Sunday, October 3, 2010

He never ran a corny line once to me yet

Well that may be, Salt n Peppa/EnVogue, but me? i've been hit by corny line after corny line and this past two/three weeks PELTED by them.

Alright. Here's a new blog so it'll bump down the giant picture of tampons from my previous post. But seriously y'all? I just keep it real. Didn't mean to embarrass or alarm anyone hahaha

So this one is just for you boys. You're gonna get some tips from a Sally. Which i know is rather fruitless b/c none of my boys are trying to holler at me (and the ones who have, you know i've nipped that in the bud but we're still cool!)

Anyways. I'm finding that the problem with meeting boys is that they ALL have the same "slick"/"smooth" lines. That don't work on me (maybe some of you ladies feel the same). The past two weekends alone, I've been a magnent for silly white boys and their silly white boy lines. While there are many to run through, I feel like in the past two/three weeks I've been hearing the same 3 over and over again so here we go...!

Example 1
Location: Gas station
See what ha happened was: I was getting cigs whilst filling my gas tank when this guy--not the cashier--just another customer standing around deciding what flavor slushee he likes when...
The Line: "Little lady, smoking is bad for you. You're too pretty to be a smoker. You know that right?"
My thoughts: "OMG is it bad for you? SHUT UP! Really? Well! I'm quitting right now!"
What I said: "Yeah, well so is my _____. Gotta find a way to cope."
End result: He tried to say i should fix my habits with something healthy like love and hey he's a nice guy so maybe i might try blah blah blah. I tuned out wished him a good afternoon and wandered out.
The point: The point is, telling me about my bad habit, isn't going to win you any points. And quite frankly i dont give a fuck that i smoke and i could give a fuck what anyone thinks about it. What i do give a fuck about is being given a lecture. I'll quit when i wanna and i dont ride on people for drinking, bad food habits, so really? fuck off.
*Note: The other way guys try to use smoking as a pick up line, "it's bad for you. you must like bad things you bad girl." I think i literally rolled my eyes at someone last month for saying that to me and then walked away.

Example 2
Location: A get together
See what ha happened was: I walked and this guy was staring at me for a while and finally said "What are you? I stared back and i was like "Whaddya mean what am i?" He was like "Ethnicity. I can't figure out what you are." To which i said "If i said black you wouldn't belive me eh?" He laughed and said no then said...
The Line: "I think you're Chinese b/c Chinese girls are hot. If I'm gettin with an Asian chick, yo, Chinese."
My thoughts: "Good for you. Go find a hot Chinese girl b/c this Korean girl is well...Korean."
What I said: "Good for you. Go find a hot Chinese girl b/c this Korean girl is well...Korean."
(Yep. I just said what i thought hahah)
End result: He tried to redeem himself by being like "oh my bad, Chinese girls are hot but KOREAN girls are sexy..."
The point: The point is, I don't blame anyone for not getting anyone else's ethincity wrong but it's all about delivery (aka how you say it) and avoiding finite statements if you're unsure.
*Note: Weirdly enough this happened to me last night when i was out but it wasn't a pick up line. And for the record: this rule applies even when you're NOT trying to holler at someone and wanna know they're ethnicity. Just ask, it's all good. No one's mad for trying to strike up converstaion. Just dont STARE and feel like you have to guess and make us ethnic folk feel like you're guessing the number of jelly beans in a jar. I ain't a jellybean...just sayin'

Example 3
Location: Party
See what ha happened was: I was refreshing my beverage when...
The Line: "So where's your boyfriend?"
My thoughts: Nice try captain obvious...b/c obviously, if you have a bf you give the real answer and that guy knows he doesn't have a shot. But if you say you're single, he goes in for the kill. This is a VERY tricky thing to answer b/c if you wanna tell swamp thing that you have one just so he'll leave you alone, i get it. BUT be careful b/c if a hot single guy ends up rollin' up later and you just told another person you had a bf...yeah no good...probably could work at a bar but at a party, generally less people) Okay so, I said...
What I said: "He's out there somewhere...when I meet him I'll let you know. Pass the diet coke please?"
End result: He got the point and passed the diet coke to me, Bahahah
The point: The point is, it's cute that guys will do try to "flatter" you by making a seemingly "presumptuous" statement. Truth is? We girls know it's a line and personally, I've heard it used so many times that i'm thinking about changing my response to "Hm. i'll answer that once you tell me where your better pick up line is"

Ahhh i could go on and on about lines but quite frankly, i'm kinda tired.

Long story short, boys, I'm not mad at you for trying to do your thing and spit game and what not.

I'm mad that you all use the same damn lines.

And no, "Wanna fuck?" is not a line. It's asking to be slapped.

....or sleeping with an STD b/c if a girl is dumb enough to just be like "okay!"....

she probably has the clap.

Thank you and good night.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Can You Paint With All the Colors...of the Wind

Disclaimer: This blog is for ladies only. Which naturally make the guys want to read it that much more. But I promise boys, you really dont wanna know.

So Pocahauntas (sp?) , if you wanna paint with all the colors of the wind, then more power to ya sister friend.

But i gotta say, keep it at painting.

I'm one of those girls who gravitates to bright, shiny, sparkly things so instead of throwing my usual brand into the cart, i decided to go for these. Bright--not shiny and i think it's safe to say that no one wants to have a sparkly tampon. Unless you want your bojanga to get funky ("YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU DIRTY LITTLE HAMSTER!" HAHAHAH), i'd advise against it.

Anyways so while these are cute and indeed pocket sized and they do the job they're supposed to do...I'm sorry. I dont know how else to say it other than that all the super bright colors neatly in a box only to take it out and put it where the sun dont shine kinda made me feel like

....

......

........

...........

...........................

..............................................



Well, to be frank, it made me feel like I was fucking a crayon.


....And I dont much like that.

I think i'll stick to the normal white, pink or light green ones.

Oh yeah. I went there. TMI? Probably but really. TBSS. Too bad. So sad. (and yes i do realize it's rather counter productive to use acronyms only to then spell out what i wanted to say but whatever. my blog, my rules.)

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

No Scrubs

Ok. It's that time of year again.

The time of year I toy with wanting to put myself back into the dating world. Not the fucking world. Dating.

Like L'oreal. Because I'm worth it. hahaha

I really never left it but I'll admit it. I've been lazy or have had stupid luck. I'm sick of going out on secret dates (the secret being that I don't tell anyone because I dont want to say anything preemptively), I'm sick of "I LIKE YOU SALLY" followed by either 1.) Stalking 2.) Me running away

So here's the game plan--because you know I always need one.

Its you guys, my friends, that are going to be my Ocean's 11 but my last name isn't ocean and im' definitely not going to disclose my last name on an internet posting. So they'll be Sally's 11.

And after careful assessment, here's the Sally's 11 (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER):

1.) My NoN: She's either met or heard about my trail of men for the past 10+ years. She knows how flighty I can be, overly emotional, and helplessly naiive. She works in cahoots with "The Clam & Mini Mom" "The Catfish", "HEY YO GURL", and Alicia who I dont have a name for yet. And they know when homie don't play that.
What she brings to the table: Bullshitometer, psychicness, and of course, loopholes.

2.) My blasians: They're my sister from another mister, and my brother from another mother. Always supportive but will choke a bitch if they have to. I've seen the aftermath of what they did to an ex who tortured me. can't say much more other than...HILARIOUS.
What they bring to the table: Realness and WEIRDO ALERT. (Aisha: The MEOW incident & Greg covers it all the things i DONT want)

3.) My Soco and Lime: This ebony and ivory duo have only been in my life for a little bit but hopefully will be around much longer. These little freak nasties will help rule out the ones who are no good at SEXY TIME!
What they bring to the table: Freaky Factor

4.) My Kimora and Jiman: A girl should always have a fabulous friend and she is mine. She has a strict no scrubs rule and I broke it before i even met her. Now i have met her and she's one of my besties so i need to fall in line! Her hubbie to be also has great insight. Seriously, alcohol + them + me + their house = hours of awesome convo.
What they bring to the table: FabulousiTi TesT. DUH.

5.) The Gays aka My Fierce friend and the other socialite: I'm sorry, but what is a list of critics without fabulous gay men?

The Fierce friend: We instantly bonded over our hate for a psychopath (no really the girl was a LOON. She sent me Barbie postcards when i stopped returning her calls and all the postcards were like "You haven't called me back I LOVE YOU." Yeah weird. anyways... he's so many kinds of fierce that snaps dont do justice. He's a ball of joy and light and fun but me + him + alcochol and cigs are equal serious laughs and hilariously bitchy comments about everyone else. I adore him and miss that they shut down our local bar (but maybe not local since he moved!) but when our forces combine, hey girl hey. better look out.
What he brings: Fierceness and is your man really straight test.
The Socialite:This guy remembers the day I breezed into his life with my little shorts, platform sneakers, pigtails, a thousand bracelets on each of my arms and my london wifebeater. Why are my clothes important in this mini story? Well. It's nto but it shows his memory, attention to detail and obvious great choice in friends ;) I adore him and never get to talk to him/hang with him as much as we should but being that we're both socialites, we understand.
What he brings: Socialelitism Test

6.) My Party People: These crazy kids I only see at parties. We don't mean for it to happen that way, it just does. Luckily, we love to party so we don't go for too long without seeing each other. Like my other socialite, they know that I have a partying side and a serious side and the best part about the girls (esp the head girl) is they keep it real and keep it moving.
What they bring: They're like my map. Actually GPS. Maps are so passe. They'll tell a Sally to keep on the path or let me know if i need to tell him to hit the highway--destination LOSERVILLE (and no that's not an application on facebook hahah)

7.) My Thug Life: He knows the streets. He also knows the law. (As in finished law school hahah) Known him about 3 years now and each year, his sighs get louder as I tell him about the flavor of the week (unforunately, the menu hasn't changed much! HAHAH)
What he brings: Street savvy Test aka is this kid a PUNK?

8.) My cheerleaders: Ah my lovely ladies!!! They support whatever I do but we've all been around the block before (not in that hoe kinda way, relax...) and they're full of positivity but they can sense the same old story guy from a mile away.
What they bring: If it walks like a ______, Talks like a _____, then it's a ______ Sally. Keep him or throw him back in the ocean and hope he drowns!

9.) My Axis of Evil: These girls absolutely crack me up. They are the sweeeeeeeeeetest girls I know. BUT. They either LOVE you or they HATE you. On top of that, they are fellow minorites and while we're all from different cultures, we all share the same views on cultural things and they are HUGE on NOT letting someone disrepect you.
What they bring: Cultural awareness, honesty and Respect test.

10.) The Boys! The Boys!: These guys a riot. They've seen my ups (sometimes chemically induced ups hahaha) and my downs. They appreciate that I'm as tomboyish as I am girly girl. They know that tomboyish sally has lots of guy friends, NEEDS HER OWN SPACE, talks a lot of shit and is ready to throwdown (which they mostly laugh at b/c 5'4 but still). BUT. They know that I cry, I'm thoughtful,
What they bring: Jealousy/Insecuuuurrrity Test! Does my suitor have tough/thick enough skin (ew gross not that kind!) to cope with the fact that I am friends with these guys and several others without trippin' out?

11.) My BFF/Bodyguard: He knows me in a way that the other 10 don't and scarily well, period end of story. And, some of us have seen him with a baseball bat. yeahhhhhh nuff said hahah
What he brings: I dont know what he brings persay, but i do know that if he thought for one second that this person was a loser or someone who's not going to treat a Sally very nicely, he'll knock 'em the fuck out. Seriously.

PHEW! Quite a crew! But all very necessary in my life. I know your inclination is to tell me one or all of the three:
1.) GO RUB A LAMP SWEETHEART: Aint nobody like that exists!
2.) Conceited much? Who ARE YOU?? What makes you so special?
3.) Lame.

My rebuttle?
1.) Go fuck yourself. I didn't say they had to pass all the tests.
2.) Go fuck yourself. Everyone is free to do this with their own friends if they so choose and i choose. get over it haterrrrrrrrrr.
3.) Your mom? I know. Now go fuck yourself.

hahhaha <3 <3 <3!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

This Shit is Bananas...B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

I was about to post a convo between younger sis and I to prove how much smarter I am than she is.

But...it's simply not the case.

Instead?

The real transcript of wha-ha-happened...

Julie: So who was the first man on the moon?
Me: Armstrong. Someone Armstrong.
Julie: Lance!
Me: He rides bikes.
Julie: On the mooon?
Me: NO. He's the famous cyclist.
Julie: OH. Right. Yellow livestrong, cancer sucks bracelet guy.
Me: It's a wristband.
Julie: Whatever. Bracelet.
Me: Whatever. Anyways, it's something Armstrong.
Julie: Louie!
Me: He played the trumpet.
Julie: Right.
Me: I think his name was Neil.
Julie: I thought it was Bud something...
Me: No, his partner in crime was Buzz--
Julie: Lightyear!
Me: Sure if you're watching TOY STORY...one two and three.
Julie: Didn't they name him after the guy who landed on the moon?
Me: I don't know. I'll ask Disney/Pixar next time I'm there...
Julie: I think you're wrong and that it's Buzz who was first there and then Neil.
Me: NO, it was NEIL first.
Julie: If Neil's so great, why didn't they name a movie character after him?
Me: I dont know! GEEZ you're stupid.
Julie: WHAT?! I am not. I have mom's genes.
Me: Mom's smart. Dad's smarter. So really, relatively speaking Mom's dumber and you say you have mom's gense...So... you know what they say, The apple doesn't fall far from the...from...the apple doesn't fall from the...um...Banana.

*Silence*

Me: I fucked that up didn't I?
Julie: You sure did.
Me: Okay well it's really not technically that far if you're in the grocery store. Apples and bananas are like right next to each other. I dont see any trees in the grocery store, do you?
Julie: You still fucked it up.
Me: I hate you.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

All These Things I've Done

**Sally Socialite's brain is on hiatus until then: Blast from the Past blogs:**

Sunday, July 20, 2008
Johnny Knoxville better watch out. I think after this weekend I can safely say, I am a far bigger jackass.

No, I didn't build a half pipe in my parents room or travel to India to eat an assortment of bugs with a turban and tighty whities on [neither of which Knoxville did but you know what i mean!] BUT I still managed to make a big jackass of myself.

-Walked around Arlington with the back of my dress tucked in weird and in short, parading my bare ass around. For a block and a half so not a long time but STILL.

-Mistook (Mistakened? LOL no idea) a group of firefighters for a gang...

-Got a bugbite shaped like a sperm on my leg and wondered aloud if I would use bug bite cream or spermicide

-Until pointed out to me, had no idea that I danced--and if I remember the quote correctly-- "like trashy" or as another put it in a more pc way "like a go-go dancer."

-Made all my teachers from kindergarten to college disappointed when on a car i saw "GO ME" and was like "WHATS A GOME!?" only to have my passenger point out kindly that it was go. me. not GOME, as there is no such word.

-Made "Pour Some Sugar on Me" and "Your Love (Tonight") a wildly entertaining, deafening, dangerous, and perhaps traumatic experience (which will probably be the song that always comes on when i walk into a place from now on...hahah)

-Wondered aloud (and i am NOT trying to be mean or offensive) how deaf people learn to read. I'm not being funny or an ass or anything. I'm very serious but b/c I verbalized it, suddenly i'm the bad girl.

-Informed some ghetto kids at the metro by informing them that I'm sorry but the judges have voted that they will not be making it to the next round of America's Best Dance Crew and as their banner drops they have to walk it out for the last time.

-Said "that's what she said" at a most inappropriate time. I'm not allowed anywhere anymore.

-Left d.c. reeking of vodka, champagne, rum, coke, cranberry juice, water, redbull, and orange juice in my hair, dress and shoes.

Good job Sally Socialite.

That said, I'm checkin into to rehab to correct this behavior ASAP... hahah
All the little adventures aside (okay okay let's be honest, INCLUDED haha) this weekend was loads of fun and very much needed.

Conclusion?

Always good to have your sense of humor in hand along with optimism and an i-Pod and friends who make it worthwhile.

Fatima **** is a rockstar.

The wrong attitude makes the hottest guy completely unattractive.
Oh and the other conclusion.

Escaping the FC more and more this year is totally what's makin this year most excellent.

Age Ain't Nothin' But a Number

**Sally Socialite's brain is on hiatus until then: Blast from the Past blogs:**


Monday, March 31, 2008

Happy Birthday to my big sister! YAY!!!

And in other news?

Yeaaahhhh. SO. This week is officially gonna be a blowwwwwwer.

Made some good progress today though.

Tomorrow’s agenda consists of work, reviewing some more places, and then possibly critiquing a stripper (of the male variety). HAHA YEAH. WOO! Not really though. I mean like i’m retardedly boy crazy but there’s something so unappealing about a guy shaking his g-unit in your face whilst wearing a banana hammock. Bleehhh!
Wednesday: Work, write

Thursday: Work, meet my deadline!, and go out for a bit for ms. justine’s bday wahoo!

Friday: Work, start my new assignment, sleeeeeeeep.
Saturday: Open at Hard Times (which I haven’t been to for the past 5 weeks!) and then probably get going on my other assignments.
I thought the whole deal with freelance was that it was supposed to be better than committing yourself to a set schedule but i’m starting to think it’s kinda fun but at the same time suuuuuccccckkkkkks.

Luckily, I’ve found a way to mush some fun into my 8-5. Usually it consists of harrassing my other coworkers but hey, it’s funny! And with Crystal, it's HYSTERICAL! Last week made a paperclip jumprope but sad to say with all the carpet in the place it kept getting snagged in it and then finding coworkers who would stop laughing or take me seriously enough to actually jump it was a task all on it’s own.

Then there was blatantly lying to one in particular b/c he’s just an easy target. He the scary guy i was talking about before. I'm pretty sure he hates me but I like joking with him b/c i refuse to believe that he'll be nice to everyone but me. I'm pretty sure he'll thinks im cute as a button. Fabulous! Then we can be bessssssssssst friends forever. (As if. He's really effing scary and I'm surprised he hasn't choked me yet).

He’s probably in his late 20s but just to pass the time I said...
"Holy crap! Crysal just told me that you were 38 [note: she definitely didn't. i just was bored and wanted to get her in trouble too]and i was like whooooa! You look awesome for your age! I would never have thought you were that OLD. Seriously. Tell me your secret to a youthful appearance b/c you don’t look a day over 30!"

He paused and turned bright red and said,"She said I was how old?"

"She told me you were 38. But shoot, i wish i age as well as you when i’m 38! i mean lucky for me that’s like a decade and some change away."

*In a slightly offended voice* "I’m not 38."

"You are! I even checked it i nthe database. Don’t be shy! Woooooorrrrk itttttt!"

He sorta looked annoyed (which really doesn't deviate much from his usual expression) and scuttled away. Of course, later I told him I was totally just playin’ and he laughed too but come on, like that wasn’t good?! Next I have to trick a few more with the "i heard you..." 1.) Have herpes 2.) Came in late today b/c you were in the drunk tank last night and 3.) used to be a stripper/prostitute.

HAHAH

Good times my friends. Gooooooooood times.

Group Sex! Group Sex! Group Sex!

**Sally Socialite's brain is on hiatus until then: Blast from the Past blogs:**
(ps myyyyyy how things have changed since this blog. if you're in it you know why! LOL)

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Fer rills. I've been drunk way too many times this week. Nothing bad happened-- I just have serious drinker's remorse. You know, when you're like 'uhh...did i...?' or '...why did i...?'
You know how I am very anti-'because i was drunk' as an excuse and I stand by it. So, i've learned this much about me when i get drunk (as I am drunk blogging at 4:30 am).
1.) I think get annoying b/c i'm so LOUD and i seriously think everyone is my friend and i LOVE everyone (platonically) even if i 1. dont like 'em or 2. met them for the first time. "I LOVE YOU YOU ARE THE BEST!" (and i swear i mean it..haha i guess i finally DO believe what you said Dan.)
2.) I WILL yammy. Hoooottt.
LoL
So I watched my first porn whilst drunk courtesy of many people. Pamela for inviting me, Stan for providing it, Hollister, David (and his mad fast fowarding skills), Whitney, Chris, Drew, Guy I can't remember for viewing with me. (One Night in Paris haha)
So was I disturbed? Horny? Grossed out?
NOPE. Just bored. But then i was informed that 'one night in paris' is like weaksauce porn and i should go to youporn.com to watch a real real porn. So i did. Verdict? Porns in general are boring. I barely made it past the 15 sec mark before i was like boooorrriinnnng.
But then, i dont know what i was expecting. LoL
Clarendon was fun until i got sick 3 times but even then it was still fun b/c i always made it to the br and had gum waiting for me afterwards. The ballroom is fun! Deck is overrated.
Tonight i pulled off 3 of 4 of my engagements. Kristine's acid tech party (GREAT MUSIC), Christine's celebration at Fat Tuesday's (Aw, my thursdays in a new location and diff night! Rocky horror show people are fuckin' weird...it's like a cult so we noticed as we sat outside watching 16 yr olds guys and girls dress in corests and bras...) and Kelly's bday a TT's (didn't mean to drink there...or make out with Danny...he's my motocross sexy bf...who i met that night hahah but it was all good/fun.)
Then to kelly's apt to pick up her adoraaaaaaaable dog Riley.
Then i ended up in Burke at john's house which was hysterical/fun. Luckily, i did NOT get lost in burke again like i did this morning from BLP.
Good times. Great people.
Happy bday again to Kelly and Christine!

p.p.s. LB kids are EVERYWHERE! hahah oh linx... you guys are all in a gang i'm sure of this now.
p.s. i'm gonna rename my lucky hat to my 'get lucky hat.' For whatever reason it seems to attract guys like a magnent. So you'd think i'd glue it to my head but you musn't abuse the power...! LOL yeahhhhhh time to pass out now. peace and ffx grease!

Barrrrrrrtendeerrrrrrrr *auto-tune t-pain's voice*

**Sally Socialite's brain is on hiatus until then: Blast from the Past blogs:**
Note: Some days when I hate my job (which is one day too many!), I think about going back to the bar scene. After reading this...i think not! HAHAH

Friday, January 04, 2008
I can't tell if I'm bitchy or funny. Obviously, I'd like to think I was funny. But i think people at work think i'm bitchy. Co-workers, managers, customers...

I swear though. Some people make it sooooooo eassssssyyy! Like tonight for instance. It was a relatively short shift and I already have a handful of examples!
Case 1
M = Manager
S= Sally
*Background: VERY Southern people singing "YOU DONT HAVE TO CALL ME DARLIN!"*
M: What's that sound?
S: It's my table. Drunk rednecks. There's like a million of them! They're super nice. With me, with each other. A little too friendly with each other...I'm tellin ya, it's like an orgy how touchy feely they are with one another. But then, they're rednecks so it could just be a family reunion! Bwahahahha!
M: *laughs * SALLY! That's fucked up.
S: Joke...joke...
M: *Walks away shaking head* Damn you're mean.

It was sooooo just a joke! Cmon! It's funny!
Case 2
FC = Female Customer: 4 obnoxious, crayon-box-exploded-on-my-face-but-i'll-call-it-make-up, overly accesorized girls (Coco Chanel: "Before you leave the house take one thing off" These girls should've taken like 10 things off and need turpentine to wipe their make up off but annyywayss)
S=Sally
MC= Male Customer

C: Can you give us limes and salt for our shots?
S: Sure! I'll be right back with that.
*I come back with it and they're already done with their shots and some how already had limes and salt*
C: HAHAHAHAH! [literally in my face like an inch away] HAHAHAH! SORRRY! It's just like someone already brought it for us while you were getting it! HAHAH But you're fabulous anyways! HAHAHHA
S: HAHAHAH (just as fake as them) Aw, thanks! Wish I could say you guys were too but you're drinking RAIL TEQUILA. (at which other people standing around made horrible faces)Not fabulous. Not even human ewww!

Well. That stopped her in her tracks. She glared at me so I wandered away to another customer and when I turned around they left.

***Note: I only said it b/c she was IN MY FACE! And they already tipped so I didn't have to worry about losing it. Bwahaha
S: Where did the banchees go?
MC: Excuse me?
S: One of the banchees ordered a beer. Where did she go?
MC: Oh. They left...They just got here too so...I dont know why they did leave so early...but i'll pay for their beer...

Now he looked pretty bummed out about it b/c i guess he and his friends thought they were hot... ew... anyways so i felt bad the girls skipped out on them if they wanted get with them, so to make 'em feel less rejected I said...

S: Dude, they look like stevie wonder did their make up and ordered rail tequila and beer. As classy as that is... I think you can do better. And if you still wanna sleep with them, then it looks like you're gonna need rail tequila to get through it too.
MC and friends: HAHAHA Damn girl.
S: What? You think i'm mean? Can you honestly tell me that isn't true?
MC and friends: OOooh girl. You're mean.
S: *shrugs* When you tell me I'm lying, i'll take it back...
MC: Cmon they weren't that bad.
S: No, in fairness they weren't totally busted but can I make a suggestion?
MC: Why not.
S: Masturbate. You won't regret it in the morning.
FUNNY right? Not mean. Not bitchy!

*Sigh*

Well, I dont know what I can do to shake my bitchy reputation b/c i promise you i'm not. Maybe smartass is a better word? But then smartass is just a nice way of saying bitch. Hahah WELL! Better to be a smartass then a dumbass....

So Hot in...So Hot in HURR!

**Sally Socialite's brain is on hiatus until then: Blast from the Past blogs:**

Friday, December 07, 2007
Lalalalala! I'm in a great mood cuz the Skins won yesterday. Woo hoo! Yes, bitches, they sure did. I was at my friend's art show before hand and almost socked this girl right in the face b/c she was skins bashing. Which is totally fine b/c you're allowed to like or not like teams but she was being so fuckin' DUMB and obnoxious about it.
Whatevers.
Unfortunately, I'm starting to worry about myself b/c I've turned into a man when it comes to football. Must. Watch. Football. No speaking of subjects unrelated to football or no answer will be given. Thankfully I don't drink beer, really, so that's my saving grace. Instead it was bailey's and coffee. MmmMMMm! Watched the game with my burke boys and David (Luv 'em all!) and then some random cartoons that they played later after the game on the screens.
Then wandered home and stayed up talking to my mom while she watched something on the news about global warming and I really wanna know something. Why is global warming such a problem? I'm serious. I tried to ask my mom about it and the convo went like this...:
Me: I dont understand global warming.
Mom: What don't you understand?
Me: Why it's a problem.
Mom: Um. Well it's--
Me: Okay it's probably like "oh crap flooding!"
Mom: Well yes, and--
Me: So. Why don't we take it all to the deserts then? Like the sarhara, death valley, australian outback.
Mom: It's not that--
Me: Or! Contact brita and get a reallllllly big filter. or like a few thousand filters and we can drink it all. They always say that there are thirsty starving people out there. Sooo let's not hog the ice caps and share!
Mom: Sally, those--
Me: OR! Put it in a reallllllly big humidifier. Brings moisture to the air or clears pores. OR, Mom i'm on a roll here, get like a really big pot and boil it all away until it like evaporates...Mom? Mom. I'm a genius.
Mom: *blank stare*
Me: Mom...am I dumb? THose were really smart ideas!
Mom: Oh Sally, you think in a different way that's all.
Like the way she didn't say that i wasn't dumb? Hahah it's ok i stll love her. And i still think I have good ideas. so there! Off to find something warm to wear and/or drink. Peace out!

I Just Want Your Extra Time and Your....Kiss

**Sally Socialite's brain is on hiatus until then: Blast from the Past blogs:**

Monday, December 03, 2007 :
Thursday I got a little more than wasted. It was *NOT* pretty and I do apologize to anyone who had to be in a 20 mile radius of me because there's a good chance that I
1.) Swung my arms around you and proclaimed to everyone that "I LOVE THIS GIRL/GUY! HE/SHE IS COOL AS SHIT!" and really meant it.
2.) Told you some inane story. I dont remember telling any stories but it apparently have happened.
3.) I may have tried to include you in my dance/singing party and if you refused to participate I'd said "You know what? You're pretty fuckin' boring. You're lucky you're sexy or this friendship wouldn't work. Ahhh it would. im kidding. IM KIDDING!"
4.) I may have broken your ear drums shrieking with laughter or yelling in general. Esp "Stop fuckin' trying to gang bang me!" as i yelled to 3 groups of guys. Eek.
5.) Slurred speech. "ifffuggin canned rive butssssss oon!" = i fuckin' cant drive but soon!
*Cringes*
I have serious drinkers remorse. But particulary b/c i ended up making out with several guys...that I didnt know and couldn't pick out from a crowd. And to those boys and many others (def not all!!! mmm def not all hahah) read this list and follow the rules!
I. Thou shall not use tongue as a blender
-Tongue in mouth and then it goes all over the place without rhyme or reason and just ends up uncomfortable and sloppy. Thanks but i'd rather NOT have my tongue pureed.

II. Thou shal not try to digest partner
-Sometimes they'll stick their tongue so far down my throat and mash their face into mine that i'm parallel to the ground. Please. Don't try to inhale me/digest me. It's so not becoming...

III. Thou shall not attempt to be Mike Tyson.
-Biting of the lip should only be done by people who actually know how to execute it properly. This guy kept trying to do that and

IV. Thou shall not make out with Cousin It.
-If you're trying to kiss my neck then go for it. If my hair is in the way the fuckin' move it or wait for me to move it instead of just going for it. If not, I end up with wet, soaking spit stained hair hitting me against my neck which decreases your chances by a million and Then you've just got a mouthful of hair.

V. Thou shall not try to do too many things at once.
-This one kid try to hold my face while kissing me, move his tongue around, bit my lip, and do something with my hair all at once. And then he kept repeating the cycle! I was like okk that's enough.

VI. Thou shall not let the tongue get out of control.
-Your tongue should not be used as a blender (as noted in the first 'shall not') but it also should resemble a hose of a vacuum cleaner that's gone crazy, a dead fish, a sword fight/hockey game, washing machine cycle...

VII. Thou shall not lather, rinse, repeat.
-Meaning dont do the same shit over and over again. It gets old no matter how hot you are.

VIII. Thou shall not talk too much whilst kissing.
-You kiss me. You ask me a random question (what's your name? what are you doing later? Do you have a boyfriend?) and before i can answer you already kiss me again. Or when I respond you keep kissing me so the answer gets all chopped up. "It....s...Sal...ly..." It's awkward and you dont actually care or will remember soooo...

IX.

X.

I leave the last two blank for you guys to fill in. It's not just guys that break this thou shall nots so dont get in all my face guys or send me hostile messages b/c I imagine that it can be this way for girls too. I haven't really made out with any girls before soo.. (Does Thurs count? I hope not. b/c i was caught of guard and pinned to the ground!)

Any how, I'm gonna get going here. But kisses to all! (Following the thou shall nots of course...haha)

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Seek Me and You Shall Find

Well! I can't tell you who originally said that, but I CAN tell you it wasn't a pile of 20,000 stickers.

Yes. 20,000 stickers.

Please remove any thoughts of lisa frank stickers, scratch and sniff stickers, etc. B/c it's not that kinda sticker i'm talking about.

Long story short, I'm creating and ordering stickers for the case of a product at work.

But. No one told me 1.) Google is NOT your friend 2.) It's hard to find an egg shaped sticker (given that the case is not all one size from top to bottom. "Sally it's oblong!" Me: "...isnt that the tea they serve at chinese restaurants?" "No sally. thats OOLONG tea...") 3.) Just how stupid a sticker can make you feel.

I was like okay it's not an even packaging so I asked if a bigger sticker was preferred (to fold over the sides at the top part where it's smaller) or a smaller one b/c it's cheaper and easier. Smaller won (for once. for stickers that is. sorry guys, not off the hook yet!)

SO. Anyways, I did the logical thing and pulled out a ruler to measure the sides. Thats when the panic started.

I realized that unless it's at the inch mark, half an in mark, and after about 20 mins i figured out what quarter inch mark was, those are the ONLY markings on a ruler i recognized. One of the sites offered 3 and 7/8s. I was all pumped b/c i figured out what the quarter inch mark was so i figured this should be easy.

Okay um NOOOOOOOOO. Not at all! I had to google it b/c naturally i was too afraid to ask b/c i feel like thats something like grown ups should know. Well this grown up didn't ok-k-k? And then it's like Damn, is that ASIAN girl asking a MATH question??? I know! Her parents must be white! Nope. They're asian too. And probably horrified that i'm a trainwreck with all things math. (like when people are like OMG this place is having a 30% off sale! i fake delight and match my friends squeal for squeal but really, inside i'm like wtf does that MEAN? how much money is a sally saving??)

AND to add insult to injury, the dimensions changed when we decided to use a circle sticker instead.

I was like FUCK. how do you measure a circle?!

So i went back to google. it was talking all this diameter, radius, pi, circumference bull shit. I'm like FML!!!!

And then i got mad at google for being smarter than me. Google is like my husband. Sexy. Reliable. Keeps up with the times. Knows everything. Perfect perfect perfect.

Pefection can be boring so i like to mix it up and went to my other secret lover/boy toy, Wikipedia. Not quite as perfect and a bit limited but still gets the job done.

I hope the two never meet.

Anyways.

Wiki didn't help me either b/c it was showing this crazy half circle ruler thing that drew circles.

Protractor?

I dont know. All i know is that a protractor is NOT indeed a professional tractor. Like tractor that farmers use. Not a bad joke, im totally serious.

Anyways...

So then I went to dictionary.com aka the fuck buddy. You want it one thing. you dont care about its history. You want what you want and you wanna get in and out and never speak of it.

But even dictionary.com couldnt break it down for me.

So I got a ruler out and tried to measure the darn thing and guessed that the diameter (which really just means how long a circle is in the middle part)was 4". Okay very well. Then i was like wait, is that true for top and bottom also?


Whateeveer.

All this mathness makes me flash back to my 4th grade teacher who said that we would need to know how to use this stuff in the future and me and my friends being like OMG whatever we are never going to use this in the future.

And here i am. In the future. Needing to know how to use this.

And to answer your question Mr. Foxworthy...No. I'm not smarter than a 5th grader. But i can still kick a 5th graders ass if he/she objects to helping a Sally out with basic math.

Monday, May 17, 2010

She Was An American Girl...

That she is me. I'm an American girl. Born here, raised here and God willing, will die here.

My parents? Well, Korean yes but took their citizenship test LONNNNG ago before i was born so they're also Americans.

This is all information you should know before continuing to read along.

So basically some parents blame the media for corrupting their kids. Me? I blame the media for corrupting my parents.

Yeah i said it.

The past few months they've been exhibiting some stranger than usual behavior. They're not your typical strict Asian parents (im clearly not a doctor nor have i eveer gotten straight a's and they dont care) but for the most part, they stick to their roots. Korean tv shows. Korean music. Rootin' for Korea in the world cup.

But lately, they've been extra American. My dad thinks Beyonce should be his girlfriend. My mom downloaded 'Bad Romance' on to her iPod. Dad wants to go to a Santana concert at Nissan Pavillion (yes i know it's jiffy lube but i'm from nova. it's fucking nissan foreva). Mom texted me the other day "OMG!" and when she saw a crowded parking lot said "FML!"

That's all good and well. I know all of our parents do things that we think are reserved for OUR generation but it's weird!

What kills me is when they take their sudden savvyness and turn it against me. Their English is okay but no one told ME just how okay it was.

Like when my fam was having brunch together on Sunday and I was asking my older [thinks shes from Compton] sis about the charity casino night her company held. Her answer was "MMPH GURL, i didn't come home that night! KNOWIMSAYIN!" (which btw 'knowwhatimsaying' said too fast really sounds like 'know-i'm-insane?')

Anyways. So i was like OMG YOU SLUTBAG! WHO DID YOU GO HOME WITH!

To which SHE said, "CHILD PLEASE. I AINT GO HOME WITH NONEOF DEM MOTHA FUCKAS!"

I was like "Yes you did. SLUTFACE."

To which my MOM jumps in and looks at ME and says "She's not like you. OH SNAP!"

I was paralyzed by shock. WHO TAUGHT MY MAMA TO SAY THINGS LIKE THAT!?!

When the shock wore off i said "MOM! Who taught you to say that?! That's bad english. VERY BAD ENGLISH!"

She laughs proudly (while my dad and sis are in tears laughing at me) and says to me
"What? You are like that. You are a W."

I'm like "i'm a w? what does that mean?"

Big sis says "She means you're a whore, you trick!"

Me: IM NOT A WHORE! MOM! SHAME! BAD ENGLISH. DONT LEARN THAT STUFF!

Then as a last line of defense i turn to daddykins to back me up and all HE says "That was burning!"

I look around to see what's on fire and realized he MEANT to say "That was a burn."

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!?

That's it. No tv or computer for either of them for a month.

Hmph!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

A-ha Hush That Fuss, Everybody Move To The Back of the Bus

SOooOOooOo

I'd like to throw a disclaimer. I AM A SMART GIRL!

That said, I dont know how a self proclaimed smart girl can be so dumb. Maybe naive is the better word. I dont know.

I'm bothered at my brain's severe inability to understand guys in general (like all girls) but I feel left out that I can't understand the basic things about guys that ALL girls do EXCEPT me. It's not an attempt to be cute, coy, quirky, or funny but just the gosh darn truth. Like it cripples me so badly that 75% of the time i take it in good stride but 25% of the time, i literally burst into tears b/c i genuinely dont understand and i get really upset that i dont and that people yell at me b/c they can't believe how naiive/dense i am. I try to learn but i can't i guess.

For instance, there was my Soy Joy's wedding this past Saturday and Jonesypoo was my lovely escort/partner in crime and we were driving back from the wedding and I dont know how this came up but we were talking about a shameful incident I had back when i was 19 or so (maybe 18 or 20 i dont remember).

I was at the Warped Tour and the lead singer of a band which will remain annonymous and I made out and he invited me back to the bus.

It was hot outside and people were constantly coming up to us (by us i mean HIM since im a no one hahah and if i named the band..you'd realize he's a no one too..HAHAH JKJKJKJKJKJK...kinda) and I was like okie dokie. And I told my friend and my sis that i would brb b/c im going to the bus with the guy in the band. To which they said, "ARE YOU GOING TO FUCK HIM???" I was like WHAAAAAAAAAAT?! NOOOOOOOOOO!!! I am NOT a groupie. Yuck! To which THEY said "THEN WHY ARE YOU GOING? You know that's what he wants right?"

Well. I just about had a famous Sally Panic Attack. I was like he wants to do WHAT? He wants to put his WHAT in MY WHAT?! I dont even know his last name! Or first come to think of it. hahah

That was silly on all kinds of levels b/c I was no longer the big V at the time but i COULD NOT believe that's what he wanted from me! ME!

[note to mcweens: I can hear you in your little voice going REALLY MCWEENEY, REALLY? hahahah]

And then as I'm telling Joneserdoodle this story, he was like "What did you think he wanted to do?" I was like "Well. It was boiling hot outside and Im sure there was air conditioning on the bus so he probably wanted to just chat and chill and shoot the shit on the bus you know." And Jones was like "Oh yeah, yeah I know. Yeah that msut be it. He probably just wanted to chat and get to know you." I was like "THANK YOU! I'm right! I was right then and I'm right now. He probably was hot from being out in the sun and tired of taking pics/signing autographs and wanted to move to a better climate." And jones nodded enthusiastically with me and said "oh yeah no, of course." And I smiled and was like "THANK YOU! You get it! You get my side! He just wanted to be my friend, I guess.You get it! Right?"

Thinking my homeboy would continue to get my back and nod along in agreement.

But THEN jones shakes his head and says "No, i dont get what you're talking about. That guy wanted to fuck you."

Way to shatter my theory and faith in you Jones. I effing hate you. (As i say to you on a daily basis hahah)

I turned indignantly to the backstabbing traitor known as Jones and said "But you were agreeing with me before-oh i get it you weere being facetious. Fucker."

To add insult to injury, he PATS me on the head and LAUGHS at ME and says "Oh Sally. What are we going to do with you."

Bastard!

So I'm on the phone with Erik Shmerik telling HIM the story hoping that my rolldawg would come to my side and say Yes you were right about the band thing and Yes, Jones is a bastard for being facetious. but then erik TOO started laughing and SIGHING at me. It reminded me of the time that a mutual friend of me and Shmer was being very friendly with me and i leaned over to shemr when mutual friend was in the br and i whispered "SHMERIK. I THINK MUTUTAL FRIEND IS HITTING ON ME BUT I CANT TELL!" And Shmer, yells at ME and erik shmerik NEVER yells at me, "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? OF COURSE HE'S HITTING ON YOU! He kept telling you you're hot and he had his arm around you and was kissing you. YES. YES HE IS HITTING ON YOU. SERIOUSLY SALLY."

::pout:: Well you dont have to yell at a sally. i was just asking a question. dayum.

Moral of my story, if a leadsinger of a band invites you back on the bus, surely that's not some sort of secret code that means he wants you on HIS BUS *wink wink nudge nudge giggity giggity*




....does it?

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Rockabye...Lullaby

Yep. You know it. It's time again for another ridiculous conversation with my lil sis Julie.



Today's nonsensical topic?



Nursery Rhymes/Lullabys



Me: Hey. You know that song about the mulberry bush and weasel and something goes pop?

Julie: Um, Pop goes the Weasle?

Me: Right. Yeah that. *singing* "All around the mulberry bush the pumpkin chased the weeeeasle."

Julie: Did you just say pumpkin?

Me: I did. It chased the weasle.

Julie: If by pumpkin you mean MONKEY.

Me: Oh right! Monkey. Not pumpkin.

Julie: You're ridiculous.

Me: Pumpkin, monkey--same thing.

Julie: Definitely not.

Me: Whatever. All around the mulberry bush the pumpkin chased the weasle, one of the two i dont quite remember thought it was all in the fun, POP goes the weasle.

Julie: WHAT? First of all, I just said it was MONKEY and you definitely said PUMPKIN again. It's Monkey. MON. KEY. And it was the MONKEY that thought it was all in the fun.

Me: Picky, picky...so about that monkey and weasle...like which one of those two thought it was all in the fun?

Julie: The monkey.

Me: Right. So...what was the Pop! about? Did the monkey bonk that weasle on the head for shits and giggles and that's what the pop is? OR did the weasle get super irritated with the monkey and was like GET UP OUT MY SHIT YOU DUMBASS MONKEY and when the monkey didn't stop chasing him, the weasle was like POP! as in he put a cap in the monkey's ass?

Julie: Are we really having this conversation?

Me: Yes. Now I want an answer.

Julie: The weasle clearly hit the monkey.

Me: The weasle should go to anger management. Such violent song. People complain about violence in rap music--well i think it's safe to say we should shift that energy to kids songs.

Julie: For real. Like all of them are about something terrible.

Me: Such as..?

Julie: London bridge is falling down, Rockabye Baby, Ring around the Rosie...

Me: I thought of one that's not! The one that no one knows the words to. Lullaby and goodnight and no one knows the words to this song...

Julie: That song is creepy. Like a lifetime movie when someone steals a baby. You can hear them singing softly, "lullabbbbbbbbbbbbyyyy aaaaaaaand gooooooooodniiiiiiiiightttt" all slow and creepy like. Then Linda Hamilton is stuck spending the next 90 minutes finding her baby...

Me: You're crazy.

Julie: But I'm right. Tune into lifetime sometime...Anyways, all lullabys are creepy and violent.I'm not singing them to MY kids if i have them.

Me: What are you are you going to sing to them instead? You listen to Queen, Billy Joel, and pot smoking artists. You're gonna be over the crib singing "Beelzebub has a devil put aside for meeeeeeee for meeeeeee for MEEEEEEEEEEE!" or "Sing us a song you're the piano man! Sing us a song tonight!"

Julie: Better than your horrible mix of music. "Womanizer woman-womanizer OH womanizer OH you're a womanizer baby" or "Bend over to the front touch your toes" That's not appropriate either.

Me: I think we'll leave it to Lisa [our big sis] to have all the kids in the family...

Monday, April 19, 2010

How Could You Be So Heartless?

Yep. And yet another animal hating statement from yours truly.

I dont actually hate animals though. I just dont get the big flipping deal about certain ones.

Like deer. (and obviously owls b/c of my previous entry)

I dont know how or why this even came up but when i was at the boys' house on sat night, the subject of deer came up and i expressed my enormous apathy for deer.

(Oh wait, I remember. Someone on tv was wearing a john deer shirt and i said i dont like johns and i dont like deer so john deer is out of the question for me. And being that im a minority, I think that's quite alright.)

Anyways, my friend tried to pull the Bambi card out on me to appeal to my emotions. He was like "Humans killed Bambi's mother Sally" and i was like oh puh-lease. Not gonna work!

Seriously? I used to feel the same way everyone does about Disney's Bambi.

You know, OMG THEY KILLED BAMBIS MOTHER!!! ::cue tears and avoiding watching that movie on purpose ever again::

But guess what kiddos? Deer? They're like totally playing the victim.

Seriously! Just think about it...

Like dude, how would YOU feel if Disney made a movie about an adorable little kid who's mother is driving home from dropping him off somewhere and her car gets HIT by a deer and she dies? And there's no baby's daddy so now he's an orphan?

Yeah. Exactly.

And as for the "I'm a vegetarian b/c killing animals to eat meat is mean" people. I bring you some lyrics from NOFX's song "Shut Up Already":

"Affection not dissection meat is murder animals are for petting
oh shut up already I'm tired of you whining
about poor little animals dying and the food they are supplying
because if a big animal had he chance
it wouldn't take another glance it would eat you up"

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Bye Bye Birdie

OK! Soooooooo

There's this owl outside of my window and it's been here for the past week and a half. I can't see where it's sitting anymore but i can damn well hear the little bastard.

ALL night, WHOOOOOOOO WHO WHO WHO WHOOOOOOOOOOO WHO WHO WHO

Some nights it's not so bad.

Last night it was AWFUL.

So I get in last night around 2 something in the morning from the boys' house and ready to pass out when i hear WHOOOOOOOOO WHOOOOOO WHOOOOOOOOOOO WHOO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHOOOOOOOOOO WHO WHOOOOOOOO! I'm like seriously?! But i put my pillow over my head and hope the owl shuts up.

But naturally as it goes in these types of stories...it doesnt.

The next half an hour just a constant WHOOOOOOO WHOOOOOOOOO WHO WHO WHOOOOO!

I snapped.

I threw open my window and screamed at it: I DONT KNOW WHO THE FUCK WHO! STOP FUCKING ASKING BEFORE I FUCKING SHOOT YOU AND YOU WONT NEED TO ASK WHO BECAUSE THAT WHO IS ME AND IM TELLING YOU NOW.

....I think I need sleep to be nice Sally....

Friday, April 16, 2010

I'm A Slaaaaaaaaave....For you....

Okayyyyyyy

This whole defriending on facebook is nonsense. NONSENSE. People have the right to not be your friend if they dont want to be. Sometimes you lose a friend b/c they deactivated their account. Sometimes, it's not even personal b/c it's like...you haven't talked to them since you had class with them....4 years ago. And sometimes, someone just doesn't like you. That happens in life ladies and gentlement.

No one has to be your friend and you dont have to be anyone's and the anxiety and anger that people get from defriending and being defriended is ridiculous.

ITS A FRIGGIN INTERNET WEBSITE YO!!! Are you really taking it that seriously!?

You are all lovely people who have the right to be friends with or not be friends with whoever you want and certainly a social media application shouldn't dictate such.

Personally, I'm not anyone's bitch or slave.


....unless he's really cute... ;)

hahahahah

Monday, April 12, 2010

Bird Bird Bird. Bird is the Word

11:56 PM me: i'm an odd bird ktj. odd odd odd

Katie: eh im odd too. odd birds get along

11:57 PM me: girl, yes. our feathers stick together! or something like that.
11:58 PM me: oh wait, birds of a feather flock together. d'oh i will never be wise. =(
hahaha dur dur dur, our feathers stick together

Katie: hahahaha
hahahahah
11:59 PM you are a wise one sally
just way beyond your years

me: i mean, maybe their feathers DO stick together!
fml. i just suck at repeating wise sayings

Katie: HAHAHAHA

Thursday, April 8, 2010

You Light Up My Life

I swear to you, this little cartoon man in the Ikea "how to assemble" booklet looks like Justin Timberlake putting a lamp together!!! I half expect him to come to life like in A-ha's "Take On Me" video.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Party In the USA

Why I avoid going to parties:











Sunday, April 4, 2010

In Our Family Portrait We Look Pretty Happy

WHYYYYYYYYYYYY REDSKINS WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

I view my football team like a family. You may not like everyone in it and it may be disfunctional but it's your family at the end of the day.

Now there's a new "father" in town, McNabb, who I guess is taking Campbell's spot and I feel like the bratty child who doesn't like new dad.

blah.

Isn't It Ironic...Don't You Think?

Whilst driving to Woodbridge with my older sister Lisa (also endearingly known as The Clam), I couldn't help but notice how the song we were listening to...was very inappropriate given our surroundings.

You should know this about her. She is and always has been and always will be the biggest Michael Jackson fan.

So we're in her car listening to his earth song which is Michael crooning about what have we done to this world and shame on us for the conditions of the environment and shame on big corporate companies.

Lisa's gushing about how much she loves the song and I nod and I'm like eh about the song and I look around while we're listening to this tree hugging song...

And then I couldn't help it. And if you know me well you KNOW i can'thelp it. Sometimes a Sally just gotta say something so i did.

Mid song I turned to her after taking in our surroundings as said...

Me: I don't know how I feel about us listening to this song right now...
Lisa: WHY?!
Me: Well...we're listening to this song about earth and we're on a highway where trees have been knocked down to build this highway, in traffic next to a steel company, drinking the starbucks which is the nectar of corporate giants and I'm smoking a Marlboro Light in your SUV with you iPhone on the dashboard....Isn't it ironic....don't you think?

Thursday, April 1, 2010

You Live You Learn

I checked out my own linked in page to see what the employers are seeing especially since one of them said she googled me.

Obviously I know how to keep my facebook private and I'm not on any other social networking sites. I don't myspace. I don't twitter. I linkin for work and facebook for play (although I'm ready to kick facebook to the curb) and this blog i dont think is searchable.

So imagine my surprise when I see a link next to the space on my LINKEDIN profile that says: My Blog.

And where did that link lead to?

THIS PAGE.

alksjfalksdjfadkl

Instead of typing in my portfolio link, I must've typed in my blog link out of habit.

FML!!!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I wish I Was Special...So F***in SPECIALLLL

I get nervous everytime I have a frank and honest blog because of the backlash I get but you know what? It's my damn blog so here I go!

It's ridiculous how self centered everyone is and I'm pretty appalled and to a larger extent annoyed by it. I understand to some extent it's human nature and that's just how it is but i can't help but wonder why. Obviously as human being we're all selfish b/c at the end of the day, who have we got? Us. Right. Got it. But there's an overwhelming type of people that I'm genuinely concerned and bewildered by.

I know it must be like, well what (and more specifically WHO) sparked this?

Nothing actually. I've been trying write my book and came across a writers block so decided to take a step back to examining people in general and found that despite my wide spectrum of friends and acquatinces have the following thing in common.

EVERYONE seems to think the following about themselves:
-Too nice
-Hates drama
-Hopeless in relationships
-Perfect for a reality show
-A beach person
-Unhappy in their job
-A great listener/the one people go to their problems with/always there for people
-A hilarious/flirtatious drunk
-A people person
-Hates everyone
-Is an optimist
-So fat
-Okay looking/averagely attractive

None of these qualities are unique, I'm sorry to say. None. Accept it.

I struggle b/c I'm not sure if it's something that I'm pissed that I know so many people like this or that I can't seem to understand the rational behind it.

Like, I wonder why everyone has the need to be numero uno in life in general and always in competition with their own friends, even if it's not intentional. Maybe competition isn't the right word but trying to stand out. Religiously checking the number of friends they have on facebook, adding people you met once and will probably never speak to again, trying to think of a saucy, clever, funny, attention grabbing status message on facebook, gchat etc, taking pics and posting them where everyone looks like they're friends and having a greeat time when actually the night was either horribly boring or full of drama rama.

I can't say I've never done any of this before but I can say I definitely believe that there's a category of people who almost strategically do this and it's very...well i wanna say pathetic but given that these are my friends i'm talking about...mystifying? LOL i dont know.

I find solace in people who are rarely on or don't own a social networking sites, show a deeper understanding and appreciation for life, and have more than a shread of intelligence. All relative and subjective, I realize.

Sometimes I look at these things and can see how people do it or say things for a light hearted fun side or speak for dramatic effect but dont actually takethe topic all that seriously. I know I do. Sometimes I roll my eyes and want to ship myself to a deserted island b/c I find people too selfish, self involved and way too dependent on other people/social media (she said in her blog haha i know). And other times, like now, I genuinely feel sorry for people like this. And it's not the kind of I'm sorry where you're clearing being condescending but I really do feel sorry to these kinds of people. I wonder...what happened to you to make you like this? And why can't you stop?

Long story short, no one's special, everyone's special. Get over it.


....love youuuuuuuuuu....hahahaha

f-a-b-o-lo-us holla back

Fatima: lol
omgosh
its like...drama...funny random thing...drama...funny random thing
me: hahahaha
you know why that is?
Sent at 12:04 AM on Tuesday
me: my brain is like a robot that someone poured water on with the squiggle lines and steam all around it
man. Ti, you summed me up in 3 words
if someone ever asks me to describe myself in 3 words i will say
"Funny. Random. Drama."
--
Any wonder i love this girl?

Tomorrow I will change and today won't mean a thing. I'm a bitch

me: people call me sassy sally. is that a nice way of saying i'm bitchy? what's the difference b/w sassy and bitchy?
Justin: sassy is passive aggressive bitchy. the kinda girl who says something bitchy inside a joke. you'd say something like 'she looks great. didn't realize that the hippo look was in but she's workin it!' bitchy is the girl who says something bitchy and adds 'lol' at the end
me: well then arent THEY passive aggresive for tell me i'm bitchy in a passive way?
Justin: ur not bitchy. u are sassy. but more than that... you're neurotic.
me: yeah well your a waste of sperm and egg. lol. hows that for bitchy?

Monday, March 29, 2010

No Matter What the Crisis is...doin' ya thing

The Quarter Life Crisis

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.
You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Freedoooooooooom, Freeeeeeeedommmmm

I dont know why but driving along to my interview today I saw this stupid pro life drivers license and it really irritated me. See pic below:

I think people should have the RIGHT to CHOOSE. If you wanna keep the kid do it but if you dont wanna, you dont have to! It's a topic I'm very passionate about so I wont get into it. But I did think of my prochoice license plate:

Saturday, March 20, 2010

The Rainbow Connection

*Names omitted or changed to respect privacy of people involved*

Back home from an engagement party. Two of my girls are getting married and yes, to each other. I know, you're thinking 'oh so it was an enGAYgement party.' To which i say, yes and that's not terribly clever, though accurate.

It was a fun silly night and naturally b/c i'm Sally i made a dummy out of myself in front of people i dont know.

Person:"And this is Forty Spice Hummus."
Me: *leaning in closer to hear* "Did you say Sporty Spice hummus? Like really?"
Person: "Er no. FORTY spice. Not Sporty..."

Oy. And one of the people i met before only once, he was there hosting and when i met HIM i didn't realize people were in the living room when i came into the apt and said very loudly and quite annoyed "OMG Gum is like totally confusing! I've been trying to open the pack since i drove over and can you help me? GUM IS SO CONFUSING and.. oh...hello people i dont know..."

Oops.

Moving along, while it was a fun night, there was something very serious and very disturbing to me that i didn't think about until they brought it up.

When we were going around the room each giving speeches to the engaged girls, I felt very humbled and disturbed by the two gay men's speech. They both mentioned how proud they were of the girls for doing this and how excited they were to finally have the right to do it and are now taking advantage of it.

Humbled because I'm straight and the right to be married has been around like forever and I never have to think about having the right to do just that whereas with gay marriage it is now slowly starting to be accepted in certain areas of the country.

Disturbed because I didn't realize how many people were anti-gay. Not just here but like all over the world. One of the guys told me that in Uganda, they will literally hang you if you are gay or know someone who is. Um what?!!?!?!?!?! That's crazyness!

I view homosexuality, queerness, transness--any derivatives of it-- the same way as I view race, creed, physical appearance, socioeconomicness...etc. And that is, WHO THE HELL CARES? It's really upsetting to find out that many people do. It's quite disgusting actually.

I know as a straight person I shouldn't be so fired up about this but i am because it's a human right and we're all humans soooooo...what's the problem?

Like my boy Jason Mraz says "It's our God forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved..."

It's like homosexuality is the new racism.

Like can someone help me understand? I sincerely don't get it. If it's a religious reason then im going to roll my eyes at you for thinking that even counts as an argument. I'm proud Christian and the God I believe in tells me that i should love like everyone. I don't and i know i should but it's not because of what they look like, how much money they make or who they sleep with (unless they's sleeping with my mans. Then we's gonna have a problem..) Like seriously though. Dammit, if i'm going to hate you, it's going to be b/c you're a terrible person. Not because you prefer the magic carpet ride over the seesaw or the seesaw over the magic carpet ride. Whatever floats your boat homesicle. Me? I like to ride the seesaw. bahahah ok ok tmi.

But yeah. Like i saw this new VH1 show called "TRANSform Me" which is run by 3 trannies and the girl they were making over from Alabama had this stank look on her face when the girls arrived at her door. I guess she hasn't had much exposure to those kind of people (i know alabama...) but she didn't have to be such a frigid bitch. That's like being mean to someone b/c they're ugly or fat or a certain race--like who the fuck cares?! It's something engrained in them since birth or something they discover. Cool. Now move along. Okay so to her credit at the end when they made her look pretty, she changed her attitude a bit but it was really unnecessary to begin with.

I was also pretty surprised at Oprah when she had Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DeRossi on her show and asked them why they felt the need to get married. I'm like, you never asked a straight couple that question...

Do people think it's airborne and going to kill you?

Like i dont get it and probably never will.

I'm okay with that.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Blah, Blah, Blah

3:29 PM me: I dont much like that ke$sha is making more money than all of us combined.
If she's going to make money singing about jack daniels and no pants, im going to change my name to $ally and sing about being topless and vodka. i'll start my tour in russia.

3:36 PM Fatima: LOL LOL. That and ke$ha isn't really singing
and she's not really rapping
and her voice sounds like she's restrainign it

me: she's pdiddying

Fatima: like she has to to go to the bathroom

me: she did wake up feeling like him

Fatima: no hoke
*joke

me: hahah this is true
i wonder what talentless black man i should wake up feeling like
ray jay, i suppose.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Think of your fellow man, Lend him a helping hand...

Or you know...whatever else there is laying around....Read til the end. I promise it's worth it and you'll never guess the ending...

So... My girls came back from myrtle beach and witnessed a crazy car accident. Car was tumbling towards them and EVERYTHING.

Ashley comforted the driver who caused the accident.

Laura was on the side calling 911.

Did i mention that the car that was struck and tumbling towards them a HANDICAP car and the couple in the car were old as dirt and the lady in shot gun was ALREADY wearing a neckbrace?

Oy.

So that's bad enough. The car landed on the driver's side door and the lady being in shot gun and oh yeah a NECK BRACE is holding on to the ceiling hoping she doesn't slip and crush her husband or whoever the guy driving was.

Rule of thumb, you're not supposed to move car accident people b/c you may further injure them and be held liable unless the car is on fire or something.

The thing of the thing is that home girl's already rockin' a funnel around her neck lookin' like a damn funnel cake and old dude is old and cut up and truthfully, how long could home girl really hold her weight until the EMT arrived?

Right. That said, they group of good citizens who decided to pull over and help decided they needed to break the windshield and help a sister out b/c her arms were gonna go soon.

But what to use? What to use...

Then a man out of no where shows up and busts open the glass with none other than....



......
.........
................
.................................






..........................................................................


HIS PROSTHETIC LEG.



Im serious.



AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!


A fact. Use it as you wish.

Call if you want but there's no one home

That's probably why when ET phoned home no one picked up and left his ass on earth.

I was out with the blasian family on sunday afternoon when i saw a picture of ET at the restaurant where we were.

Now ok, i would like to heavily emphasis that i only saw ET once a LooooooooOOoooOOong time ago...

Me: How did ET get home? Did he phone? Is that why he kept saying he was going to phone home?
Nigel: YOU DIDNT SEE ET?!!?!!?!?!!?!?
Me: I did!!! Calm down now...
Nigel: And you dont remember how he got home??
Me: NO! I saw it when i was like 8! Give me a break! Did the kid give him a ride home like on the bike?
Nigel: Did the kid bike him...NO!
Me: You know that's not a ridiculous question. The poster clearly shows the kid biking by the moon and ET in the basket. Or was it a tandumbike and did they pedal together to get ET home? It's very green of them you know.
Nigel: NO! How is the kid gonna breathe? And he'd have to pedal like forever.
Me: Oh really? So how did he get home?
Aisha: The SPACESHIP came and got him.
Me: Ohhhhhh of course! The SPACESHIP did. That's logical and my theory that the kid dropped him off at home is ridiuclous...
Nigel: It is! Do you know how far away ET lived?
Me: No, I've never been over to his house before.
Nigel: How would the kid BREATHE?
Me: Excuse me! But why is my logical explanation of the kid biking the alien home ridiculous and the prospect of the flying BIKE is not?!

I swear. I think people underestimate my intelligence...

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Just take a look, it's in a book...

**Dedicated to Tanner who may either die after reading this or will never speak to me again b/c I'm apparently dense as fog. hahah enjoy Tanner!!!**

Right, so i'm going to apologize ahead of time by flat out saying, I have no fucking idea how this conversation started and I recognize the nerdyness of it but seriously, you can't even say anything b/c you know what's said is true.

Based on a true conversation i had with, of course, the ever present and always entertaining little sister of mine. Julie the pilgrim.

Why were talking about books we were forced to read in school, i dont know but we found a way to make it even more understandable than cliffs notes. Please see below

DIARY OF ANNE FRANK
Me: Was that a true story? It was right?
Julie: Oy vey. YES. That's why it's the AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
Me: I was right! Mazle tov! But only kinda since it was a pretty sad story.
Julie: It was very sad. But very boring.
Me: What???
Julie: It WAS.
Me: She was HIDING in an attic from NAZIS! Give her a break. Not much is going to change.
Julie: I know but she could've used better adjectives or told more interestingly.
Me: Maybe the whole COULD BE KILLED BY NAZIS thing was hindering her ability to use more colorful language.
Julie: I didn't say i BLAME her or that her story wasn't sad. I'm just saying that the book was a little long and dry. The moral is that she's a great girl despite the incredibly shitty (to put it lightly) circumstance she was in.
Me: Exactly. Give home girl a break.
Julie: I know. I'm just saying, it should be like the first chapter, ONE middle chapter and then the end chapter. I'm in an attic. It sucks. I still believe in people. Done. Now that's how you tell a story.
Me: You're a putz, you realize this right?

GREAT EXPECTATIONS
Julie: I LOVE that story.
Me: What was it about again? Some guy who had...great expectations?
Julie: OMG. Yes but there's more to it than that. It's about a guy named Pip who falls in love with this girl
Me: BACK UP THE SOULTRAIN. His name was PIP?? They couldn't think of a sexier name than PIP?
Julie: Look, I didn't name him. ANYWAYS Pip falls in love with this girl but the girl was trained to be a heartbreaker by her bitter aunt.
Me: Ok...so...what's so great about that?
Julie: He had GREAT EXPECTATIONS to fall in love and be with her but her aunt is a psycho.
Me: Psycho how? Wait, is that the story with Miss Havisham and she got jilted at the altar?
Julie: Yup and she never left her house and made all the clocks stay at the time she was jilted or give minutes before and she never changed out of her wedding gown.
Me: WHAT? How long ago was she jilted?
Julie: Like forever ago. Like the aunt is like REALLLLLLLLY OLD.
Me: That's gotta be one funky ass smelling hummin dirty stanky stank dress.
Julie: For real. Anyways Pip falls in love with the niece and the niece loves him too but acts like she dont
Me: She sounds like a trick.
Julie: She wasn't a trick. She just didnt know any better b/c of her smelly aunt.
Me: So do they hook up in the end? Pip and that girl?
Julie: Nope.
Me: What? Why is called great expectations??? It should be called NO expectations.
Julie: Charles Dickens is stupid. I dont know why. Maybe b/c Pip had great expectations
Me: but they weren't met...that's false advertising. Whats the point of the story? dont fall in love? dont have expectations becuase the man or woman of your dreams my have a bitter stanky aunt?
Julie: Pretty much.
Me: So how does it end?
Julie: Pip is like you dont' lvoe me? okay. im going to go now. and then he leaves with the ex-con who gave him all that money.
Me: Er...? Did i miss something?
Julie: I hate Charles Dickens. It's like a 300 pg book and i just told you everything you need to know about it in 3 minutes. He went on about how some wine fell off a cart and it fell into the crevaces of the road and blah blah blah. FIVE PAGES. All he had to say was the wine fell. Next...
Me: ...did you just say crevace?

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS
Me: For whom DOES that bell toll for?
Julie: I dont know. But i saw somewhere in a poem or something that "It tolls for thee"
Me: For me? I dont even KNOW the guy who wrote that
Julie: NO stupid. Thee meaning EVERYONE.
Me: A player must've wrote that. Like he must've been the Drake of his time. "Youda youda beest youda youda best best i ever haaaaaaad best i ever haaad"
Julie: I dont think that's what Edgar Allan Poe meant.
Me: Isn't he a black comedian?
Julie: NO SALLY. That's David Allan Grier.
Me: Right. So the bell tolls for everyone?
Julie: Actually...i think it was a story about soldiers so it tolls for them. I didn't read the book because I dont like war books.
Me: But you like Gone with the Wind.
Julie: That was a movie. That's different.
Me: BASED ON A BOOK like every movie out there pretty much.
Julie: I don't think Soul Plane and Pootietang were ever books and they were movies.
Me: Well played my friend. Well played.

GENERAL SHORT STORIES
Me: Did you ever have to read that story about the woman who cut her hair and sold it so she could buy a guitar case for her husband and her husband sold his guitar to buy his wife a hair clip and they find out what the other did and it's supposed to be like awww but it's actually kinda fucked up that they BOTH got dicked in the end?
Julie: HAHAHAH Did you just make that story up?
Me: NO! I dont know what the moral is. Don't...buy your signficant other gifts?
Julie: Maybe.
Me: Or...maybe the moral is...put a limit on the gift you're going to get each other? I dont know why they made us read that book.

Julie: I hated the Giver. It had an ugly cover too. I also hated that tuck...forever ever forever ever story.
Me: First of all, this is not Outkast's Miss Jackson. It was NOT Tuck Forever ever forever ever. It was Tuck Everlasting.
Julie: Whatever same thing. That book sucked. Did they ever make you read the story about the cat and the time machine?
Me: HAHAHAHAHHAHA NO! Are you making stories up??
Julie: NO! It's a story about a cat and he has a time machine and he goes places.
Me: Uhhhhhhhhh. I think you need to lay off whatever drug it is you're clearly ingesting.
Julie: I AM NOT.
Me: You want ME to believe that someone wrote a story and Fairfax County asked kids to read a story about a cat with a time machine...
Julie: Actually, I dont think it had a time machine. It just like went places when it felt like it.
Me: So do i. That doesn't make me a cat or a time machine.
Julie: NO! It's a real story. It was called...it was called...time...travel...cat...travel...travel...cat..
Me: Time Travel Cat Travel Travel Cat--catchy title....
Julie: I hate you.

GREAT GATSBY
Julie: HATED THAT STORY.
Me: What? It was the only quasi interesting one out there. Make something outta nothing.
Julie: Unoriginal. Cinderella did that too.
Me: Um NO. Gatsby is like the original Fitty Cent. Get Rich or Die Trying. He got rich and died later but that's totally unrelated.
Julie: Whats the point of that story?
Me: That anything possible i guess.
Julie: You didn't read it.
Me: I did too! I just dont remember. Gatsby was great b/c he became rich and got the girl he wanted. Okay he died a little afterwards but still. He was great.
Julie: Was he Sally? Was he? You know him like that?
Me: I hate you.

And finally..
Me: Julie, you do realize in this conversation we have basically shat all over american literature.
Julie: Dickens was British.
Me: Whatever...wait, he was?
Julie: YES. ::english accent:: Ch-aw-les Dih-ckens
Me: Just because you say it in a British accent doesn't make it so.
Julie: Whatever. But i dont think we shat all over it. We just broke it down.
Me: We should totally be teachers.
Julie: Seriously. We explain so other understand and make it a LOT shorter. Think of the books that dont need to be published anymore.
Me: GO GREEN! My friend Chase would be proud of that. That kid a half step away from being captain planet. hahah
Julie: Lordie. Anyways, maybe we should be teachers.
Me: I'm down.