Monday, May 17, 2010

She Was An American Girl...

That she is me. I'm an American girl. Born here, raised here and God willing, will die here.

My parents? Well, Korean yes but took their citizenship test LONNNNG ago before i was born so they're also Americans.

This is all information you should know before continuing to read along.

So basically some parents blame the media for corrupting their kids. Me? I blame the media for corrupting my parents.

Yeah i said it.

The past few months they've been exhibiting some stranger than usual behavior. They're not your typical strict Asian parents (im clearly not a doctor nor have i eveer gotten straight a's and they dont care) but for the most part, they stick to their roots. Korean tv shows. Korean music. Rootin' for Korea in the world cup.

But lately, they've been extra American. My dad thinks Beyonce should be his girlfriend. My mom downloaded 'Bad Romance' on to her iPod. Dad wants to go to a Santana concert at Nissan Pavillion (yes i know it's jiffy lube but i'm from nova. it's fucking nissan foreva). Mom texted me the other day "OMG!" and when she saw a crowded parking lot said "FML!"

That's all good and well. I know all of our parents do things that we think are reserved for OUR generation but it's weird!

What kills me is when they take their sudden savvyness and turn it against me. Their English is okay but no one told ME just how okay it was.

Like when my fam was having brunch together on Sunday and I was asking my older [thinks shes from Compton] sis about the charity casino night her company held. Her answer was "MMPH GURL, i didn't come home that night! KNOWIMSAYIN!" (which btw 'knowwhatimsaying' said too fast really sounds like 'know-i'm-insane?')



I was like "Yes you did. SLUTFACE."

To which my MOM jumps in and looks at ME and says "She's not like you. OH SNAP!"

I was paralyzed by shock. WHO TAUGHT MY MAMA TO SAY THINGS LIKE THAT!?!

When the shock wore off i said "MOM! Who taught you to say that?! That's bad english. VERY BAD ENGLISH!"

She laughs proudly (while my dad and sis are in tears laughing at me) and says to me
"What? You are like that. You are a W."

I'm like "i'm a w? what does that mean?"

Big sis says "She means you're a whore, you trick!"


Then as a last line of defense i turn to daddykins to back me up and all HE says "That was burning!"

I look around to see what's on fire and realized he MEANT to say "That was a burn."


That's it. No tv or computer for either of them for a month.


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

A-ha Hush That Fuss, Everybody Move To The Back of the Bus


I'd like to throw a disclaimer. I AM A SMART GIRL!

That said, I dont know how a self proclaimed smart girl can be so dumb. Maybe naive is the better word. I dont know.

I'm bothered at my brain's severe inability to understand guys in general (like all girls) but I feel left out that I can't understand the basic things about guys that ALL girls do EXCEPT me. It's not an attempt to be cute, coy, quirky, or funny but just the gosh darn truth. Like it cripples me so badly that 75% of the time i take it in good stride but 25% of the time, i literally burst into tears b/c i genuinely dont understand and i get really upset that i dont and that people yell at me b/c they can't believe how naiive/dense i am. I try to learn but i can't i guess.

For instance, there was my Soy Joy's wedding this past Saturday and Jonesypoo was my lovely escort/partner in crime and we were driving back from the wedding and I dont know how this came up but we were talking about a shameful incident I had back when i was 19 or so (maybe 18 or 20 i dont remember).

I was at the Warped Tour and the lead singer of a band which will remain annonymous and I made out and he invited me back to the bus.

It was hot outside and people were constantly coming up to us (by us i mean HIM since im a no one hahah and if i named the'd realize he's a no one too..HAHAH JKJKJKJKJKJK...kinda) and I was like okie dokie. And I told my friend and my sis that i would brb b/c im going to the bus with the guy in the band. To which they said, "ARE YOU GOING TO FUCK HIM???" I was like WHAAAAAAAAAAT?! NOOOOOOOOOO!!! I am NOT a groupie. Yuck! To which THEY said "THEN WHY ARE YOU GOING? You know that's what he wants right?"

Well. I just about had a famous Sally Panic Attack. I was like he wants to do WHAT? He wants to put his WHAT in MY WHAT?! I dont even know his last name! Or first come to think of it. hahah

That was silly on all kinds of levels b/c I was no longer the big V at the time but i COULD NOT believe that's what he wanted from me! ME!

[note to mcweens: I can hear you in your little voice going REALLY MCWEENEY, REALLY? hahahah]

And then as I'm telling Joneserdoodle this story, he was like "What did you think he wanted to do?" I was like "Well. It was boiling hot outside and Im sure there was air conditioning on the bus so he probably wanted to just chat and chill and shoot the shit on the bus you know." And Jones was like "Oh yeah, yeah I know. Yeah that msut be it. He probably just wanted to chat and get to know you." I was like "THANK YOU! I'm right! I was right then and I'm right now. He probably was hot from being out in the sun and tired of taking pics/signing autographs and wanted to move to a better climate." And jones nodded enthusiastically with me and said "oh yeah no, of course." And I smiled and was like "THANK YOU! You get it! You get my side! He just wanted to be my friend, I guess.You get it! Right?"

Thinking my homeboy would continue to get my back and nod along in agreement.

But THEN jones shakes his head and says "No, i dont get what you're talking about. That guy wanted to fuck you."

Way to shatter my theory and faith in you Jones. I effing hate you. (As i say to you on a daily basis hahah)

I turned indignantly to the backstabbing traitor known as Jones and said "But you were agreeing with me before-oh i get it you weere being facetious. Fucker."

To add insult to injury, he PATS me on the head and LAUGHS at ME and says "Oh Sally. What are we going to do with you."


So I'm on the phone with Erik Shmerik telling HIM the story hoping that my rolldawg would come to my side and say Yes you were right about the band thing and Yes, Jones is a bastard for being facetious. but then erik TOO started laughing and SIGHING at me. It reminded me of the time that a mutual friend of me and Shmer was being very friendly with me and i leaned over to shemr when mutual friend was in the br and i whispered "SHMERIK. I THINK MUTUTAL FRIEND IS HITTING ON ME BUT I CANT TELL!" And Shmer, yells at ME and erik shmerik NEVER yells at me, "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? OF COURSE HE'S HITTING ON YOU! He kept telling you you're hot and he had his arm around you and was kissing you. YES. YES HE IS HITTING ON YOU. SERIOUSLY SALLY."

::pout:: Well you dont have to yell at a sally. i was just asking a question. dayum.

Moral of my story, if a leadsinger of a band invites you back on the bus, surely that's not some sort of secret code that means he wants you on HIS BUS *wink wink nudge nudge giggity giggity*

....does it?