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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Can You Paint With All the Colors...of the Wind

Disclaimer: This blog is for ladies only. Which naturally make the guys want to read it that much more. But I promise boys, you really dont wanna know.

So Pocahauntas (sp?) , if you wanna paint with all the colors of the wind, then more power to ya sister friend.

But i gotta say, keep it at painting.

I'm one of those girls who gravitates to bright, shiny, sparkly things so instead of throwing my usual brand into the cart, i decided to go for these. Bright--not shiny and i think it's safe to say that no one wants to have a sparkly tampon. Unless you want your bojanga to get funky ("YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU DIRTY LITTLE HAMSTER!" HAHAHAH), i'd advise against it.

Anyways so while these are cute and indeed pocket sized and they do the job they're supposed to do...I'm sorry. I dont know how else to say it other than that all the super bright colors neatly in a box only to take it out and put it where the sun dont shine kinda made me feel like

....

......

........

...........

...........................

..............................................



Well, to be frank, it made me feel like I was fucking a crayon.


....And I dont much like that.

I think i'll stick to the normal white, pink or light green ones.

Oh yeah. I went there. TMI? Probably but really. TBSS. Too bad. So sad. (and yes i do realize it's rather counter productive to use acronyms only to then spell out what i wanted to say but whatever. my blog, my rules.)

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

No Scrubs

Ok. It's that time of year again.

The time of year I toy with wanting to put myself back into the dating world. Not the fucking world. Dating.

Like L'oreal. Because I'm worth it. hahaha

I really never left it but I'll admit it. I've been lazy or have had stupid luck. I'm sick of going out on secret dates (the secret being that I don't tell anyone because I dont want to say anything preemptively), I'm sick of "I LIKE YOU SALLY" followed by either 1.) Stalking 2.) Me running away

So here's the game plan--because you know I always need one.

Its you guys, my friends, that are going to be my Ocean's 11 but my last name isn't ocean and im' definitely not going to disclose my last name on an internet posting. So they'll be Sally's 11.

And after careful assessment, here's the Sally's 11 (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER):

1.) My NoN: She's either met or heard about my trail of men for the past 10+ years. She knows how flighty I can be, overly emotional, and helplessly naiive. She works in cahoots with "The Clam & Mini Mom" "The Catfish", "HEY YO GURL", and Alicia who I dont have a name for yet. And they know when homie don't play that.
What she brings to the table: Bullshitometer, psychicness, and of course, loopholes.

2.) My blasians: They're my sister from another mister, and my brother from another mother. Always supportive but will choke a bitch if they have to. I've seen the aftermath of what they did to an ex who tortured me. can't say much more other than...HILARIOUS.
What they bring to the table: Realness and WEIRDO ALERT. (Aisha: The MEOW incident & Greg covers it all the things i DONT want)

3.) My Soco and Lime: This ebony and ivory duo have only been in my life for a little bit but hopefully will be around much longer. These little freak nasties will help rule out the ones who are no good at SEXY TIME!
What they bring to the table: Freaky Factor

4.) My Kimora and Jiman: A girl should always have a fabulous friend and she is mine. She has a strict no scrubs rule and I broke it before i even met her. Now i have met her and she's one of my besties so i need to fall in line! Her hubbie to be also has great insight. Seriously, alcohol + them + me + their house = hours of awesome convo.
What they bring to the table: FabulousiTi TesT. DUH.

5.) The Gays aka My Fierce friend and the other socialite: I'm sorry, but what is a list of critics without fabulous gay men?

The Fierce friend: We instantly bonded over our hate for a psychopath (no really the girl was a LOON. She sent me Barbie postcards when i stopped returning her calls and all the postcards were like "You haven't called me back I LOVE YOU." Yeah weird. anyways... he's so many kinds of fierce that snaps dont do justice. He's a ball of joy and light and fun but me + him + alcochol and cigs are equal serious laughs and hilariously bitchy comments about everyone else. I adore him and miss that they shut down our local bar (but maybe not local since he moved!) but when our forces combine, hey girl hey. better look out.
What he brings: Fierceness and is your man really straight test.
The Socialite:This guy remembers the day I breezed into his life with my little shorts, platform sneakers, pigtails, a thousand bracelets on each of my arms and my london wifebeater. Why are my clothes important in this mini story? Well. It's nto but it shows his memory, attention to detail and obvious great choice in friends ;) I adore him and never get to talk to him/hang with him as much as we should but being that we're both socialites, we understand.
What he brings: Socialelitism Test

6.) My Party People: These crazy kids I only see at parties. We don't mean for it to happen that way, it just does. Luckily, we love to party so we don't go for too long without seeing each other. Like my other socialite, they know that I have a partying side and a serious side and the best part about the girls (esp the head girl) is they keep it real and keep it moving.
What they bring: They're like my map. Actually GPS. Maps are so passe. They'll tell a Sally to keep on the path or let me know if i need to tell him to hit the highway--destination LOSERVILLE (and no that's not an application on facebook hahah)

7.) My Thug Life: He knows the streets. He also knows the law. (As in finished law school hahah) Known him about 3 years now and each year, his sighs get louder as I tell him about the flavor of the week (unforunately, the menu hasn't changed much! HAHAH)
What he brings: Street savvy Test aka is this kid a PUNK?

8.) My cheerleaders: Ah my lovely ladies!!! They support whatever I do but we've all been around the block before (not in that hoe kinda way, relax...) and they're full of positivity but they can sense the same old story guy from a mile away.
What they bring: If it walks like a ______, Talks like a _____, then it's a ______ Sally. Keep him or throw him back in the ocean and hope he drowns!

9.) My Axis of Evil: These girls absolutely crack me up. They are the sweeeeeeeeeetest girls I know. BUT. They either LOVE you or they HATE you. On top of that, they are fellow minorites and while we're all from different cultures, we all share the same views on cultural things and they are HUGE on NOT letting someone disrepect you.
What they bring: Cultural awareness, honesty and Respect test.

10.) The Boys! The Boys!: These guys a riot. They've seen my ups (sometimes chemically induced ups hahaha) and my downs. They appreciate that I'm as tomboyish as I am girly girl. They know that tomboyish sally has lots of guy friends, NEEDS HER OWN SPACE, talks a lot of shit and is ready to throwdown (which they mostly laugh at b/c 5'4 but still). BUT. They know that I cry, I'm thoughtful,
What they bring: Jealousy/Insecuuuurrrity Test! Does my suitor have tough/thick enough skin (ew gross not that kind!) to cope with the fact that I am friends with these guys and several others without trippin' out?

11.) My BFF/Bodyguard: He knows me in a way that the other 10 don't and scarily well, period end of story. And, some of us have seen him with a baseball bat. yeahhhhhh nuff said hahah
What he brings: I dont know what he brings persay, but i do know that if he thought for one second that this person was a loser or someone who's not going to treat a Sally very nicely, he'll knock 'em the fuck out. Seriously.

PHEW! Quite a crew! But all very necessary in my life. I know your inclination is to tell me one or all of the three:
1.) GO RUB A LAMP SWEETHEART: Aint nobody like that exists!
2.) Conceited much? Who ARE YOU?? What makes you so special?
3.) Lame.

My rebuttle?
1.) Go fuck yourself. I didn't say they had to pass all the tests.
2.) Go fuck yourself. Everyone is free to do this with their own friends if they so choose and i choose. get over it haterrrrrrrrrr.
3.) Your mom? I know. Now go fuck yourself.

hahhaha <3 <3 <3!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

This Shit is Bananas...B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

I was about to post a convo between younger sis and I to prove how much smarter I am than she is.

But...it's simply not the case.

Instead?

The real transcript of wha-ha-happened...

Julie: So who was the first man on the moon?
Me: Armstrong. Someone Armstrong.
Julie: Lance!
Me: He rides bikes.
Julie: On the mooon?
Me: NO. He's the famous cyclist.
Julie: OH. Right. Yellow livestrong, cancer sucks bracelet guy.
Me: It's a wristband.
Julie: Whatever. Bracelet.
Me: Whatever. Anyways, it's something Armstrong.
Julie: Louie!
Me: He played the trumpet.
Julie: Right.
Me: I think his name was Neil.
Julie: I thought it was Bud something...
Me: No, his partner in crime was Buzz--
Julie: Lightyear!
Me: Sure if you're watching TOY STORY...one two and three.
Julie: Didn't they name him after the guy who landed on the moon?
Me: I don't know. I'll ask Disney/Pixar next time I'm there...
Julie: I think you're wrong and that it's Buzz who was first there and then Neil.
Me: NO, it was NEIL first.
Julie: If Neil's so great, why didn't they name a movie character after him?
Me: I dont know! GEEZ you're stupid.
Julie: WHAT?! I am not. I have mom's genes.
Me: Mom's smart. Dad's smarter. So really, relatively speaking Mom's dumber and you say you have mom's gense...So... you know what they say, The apple doesn't fall far from the...from...the apple doesn't fall from the...um...Banana.

*Silence*

Me: I fucked that up didn't I?
Julie: You sure did.
Me: Okay well it's really not technically that far if you're in the grocery store. Apples and bananas are like right next to each other. I dont see any trees in the grocery store, do you?
Julie: You still fucked it up.
Me: I hate you.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

All These Things I've Done

**Sally Socialite's brain is on hiatus until then: Blast from the Past blogs:**

Sunday, July 20, 2008
Johnny Knoxville better watch out. I think after this weekend I can safely say, I am a far bigger jackass.

No, I didn't build a half pipe in my parents room or travel to India to eat an assortment of bugs with a turban and tighty whities on [neither of which Knoxville did but you know what i mean!] BUT I still managed to make a big jackass of myself.

-Walked around Arlington with the back of my dress tucked in weird and in short, parading my bare ass around. For a block and a half so not a long time but STILL.

-Mistook (Mistakened? LOL no idea) a group of firefighters for a gang...

-Got a bugbite shaped like a sperm on my leg and wondered aloud if I would use bug bite cream or spermicide

-Until pointed out to me, had no idea that I danced--and if I remember the quote correctly-- "like trashy" or as another put it in a more pc way "like a go-go dancer."

-Made all my teachers from kindergarten to college disappointed when on a car i saw "GO ME" and was like "WHATS A GOME!?" only to have my passenger point out kindly that it was go. me. not GOME, as there is no such word.

-Made "Pour Some Sugar on Me" and "Your Love (Tonight") a wildly entertaining, deafening, dangerous, and perhaps traumatic experience (which will probably be the song that always comes on when i walk into a place from now on...hahah)

-Wondered aloud (and i am NOT trying to be mean or offensive) how deaf people learn to read. I'm not being funny or an ass or anything. I'm very serious but b/c I verbalized it, suddenly i'm the bad girl.

-Informed some ghetto kids at the metro by informing them that I'm sorry but the judges have voted that they will not be making it to the next round of America's Best Dance Crew and as their banner drops they have to walk it out for the last time.

-Said "that's what she said" at a most inappropriate time. I'm not allowed anywhere anymore.

-Left d.c. reeking of vodka, champagne, rum, coke, cranberry juice, water, redbull, and orange juice in my hair, dress and shoes.

Good job Sally Socialite.

That said, I'm checkin into to rehab to correct this behavior ASAP... hahah
All the little adventures aside (okay okay let's be honest, INCLUDED haha) this weekend was loads of fun and very much needed.

Conclusion?

Always good to have your sense of humor in hand along with optimism and an i-Pod and friends who make it worthwhile.

Fatima **** is a rockstar.

The wrong attitude makes the hottest guy completely unattractive.
Oh and the other conclusion.

Escaping the FC more and more this year is totally what's makin this year most excellent.

Age Ain't Nothin' But a Number

**Sally Socialite's brain is on hiatus until then: Blast from the Past blogs:**


Monday, March 31, 2008

Happy Birthday to my big sister! YAY!!!

And in other news?

Yeaaahhhh. SO. This week is officially gonna be a blowwwwwwer.

Made some good progress today though.

Tomorrow’s agenda consists of work, reviewing some more places, and then possibly critiquing a stripper (of the male variety). HAHA YEAH. WOO! Not really though. I mean like i’m retardedly boy crazy but there’s something so unappealing about a guy shaking his g-unit in your face whilst wearing a banana hammock. Bleehhh!
Wednesday: Work, write

Thursday: Work, meet my deadline!, and go out for a bit for ms. justine’s bday wahoo!

Friday: Work, start my new assignment, sleeeeeeeep.
Saturday: Open at Hard Times (which I haven’t been to for the past 5 weeks!) and then probably get going on my other assignments.
I thought the whole deal with freelance was that it was supposed to be better than committing yourself to a set schedule but i’m starting to think it’s kinda fun but at the same time suuuuuccccckkkkkks.

Luckily, I’ve found a way to mush some fun into my 8-5. Usually it consists of harrassing my other coworkers but hey, it’s funny! And with Crystal, it's HYSTERICAL! Last week made a paperclip jumprope but sad to say with all the carpet in the place it kept getting snagged in it and then finding coworkers who would stop laughing or take me seriously enough to actually jump it was a task all on it’s own.

Then there was blatantly lying to one in particular b/c he’s just an easy target. He the scary guy i was talking about before. I'm pretty sure he hates me but I like joking with him b/c i refuse to believe that he'll be nice to everyone but me. I'm pretty sure he'll thinks im cute as a button. Fabulous! Then we can be bessssssssssst friends forever. (As if. He's really effing scary and I'm surprised he hasn't choked me yet).

He’s probably in his late 20s but just to pass the time I said...
"Holy crap! Crysal just told me that you were 38 [note: she definitely didn't. i just was bored and wanted to get her in trouble too]and i was like whooooa! You look awesome for your age! I would never have thought you were that OLD. Seriously. Tell me your secret to a youthful appearance b/c you don’t look a day over 30!"

He paused and turned bright red and said,"She said I was how old?"

"She told me you were 38. But shoot, i wish i age as well as you when i’m 38! i mean lucky for me that’s like a decade and some change away."

*In a slightly offended voice* "I’m not 38."

"You are! I even checked it i nthe database. Don’t be shy! Woooooorrrrk itttttt!"

He sorta looked annoyed (which really doesn't deviate much from his usual expression) and scuttled away. Of course, later I told him I was totally just playin’ and he laughed too but come on, like that wasn’t good?! Next I have to trick a few more with the "i heard you..." 1.) Have herpes 2.) Came in late today b/c you were in the drunk tank last night and 3.) used to be a stripper/prostitute.

HAHAH

Good times my friends. Gooooooooood times.

Group Sex! Group Sex! Group Sex!

**Sally Socialite's brain is on hiatus until then: Blast from the Past blogs:**
(ps myyyyyy how things have changed since this blog. if you're in it you know why! LOL)

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Fer rills. I've been drunk way too many times this week. Nothing bad happened-- I just have serious drinker's remorse. You know, when you're like 'uhh...did i...?' or '...why did i...?'
You know how I am very anti-'because i was drunk' as an excuse and I stand by it. So, i've learned this much about me when i get drunk (as I am drunk blogging at 4:30 am).
1.) I think get annoying b/c i'm so LOUD and i seriously think everyone is my friend and i LOVE everyone (platonically) even if i 1. dont like 'em or 2. met them for the first time. "I LOVE YOU YOU ARE THE BEST!" (and i swear i mean it..haha i guess i finally DO believe what you said Dan.)
2.) I WILL yammy. Hoooottt.
LoL
So I watched my first porn whilst drunk courtesy of many people. Pamela for inviting me, Stan for providing it, Hollister, David (and his mad fast fowarding skills), Whitney, Chris, Drew, Guy I can't remember for viewing with me. (One Night in Paris haha)
So was I disturbed? Horny? Grossed out?
NOPE. Just bored. But then i was informed that 'one night in paris' is like weaksauce porn and i should go to youporn.com to watch a real real porn. So i did. Verdict? Porns in general are boring. I barely made it past the 15 sec mark before i was like boooorrriinnnng.
But then, i dont know what i was expecting. LoL
Clarendon was fun until i got sick 3 times but even then it was still fun b/c i always made it to the br and had gum waiting for me afterwards. The ballroom is fun! Deck is overrated.
Tonight i pulled off 3 of 4 of my engagements. Kristine's acid tech party (GREAT MUSIC), Christine's celebration at Fat Tuesday's (Aw, my thursdays in a new location and diff night! Rocky horror show people are fuckin' weird...it's like a cult so we noticed as we sat outside watching 16 yr olds guys and girls dress in corests and bras...) and Kelly's bday a TT's (didn't mean to drink there...or make out with Danny...he's my motocross sexy bf...who i met that night hahah but it was all good/fun.)
Then to kelly's apt to pick up her adoraaaaaaaable dog Riley.
Then i ended up in Burke at john's house which was hysterical/fun. Luckily, i did NOT get lost in burke again like i did this morning from BLP.
Good times. Great people.
Happy bday again to Kelly and Christine!

p.p.s. LB kids are EVERYWHERE! hahah oh linx... you guys are all in a gang i'm sure of this now.
p.s. i'm gonna rename my lucky hat to my 'get lucky hat.' For whatever reason it seems to attract guys like a magnent. So you'd think i'd glue it to my head but you musn't abuse the power...! LOL yeahhhhhh time to pass out now. peace and ffx grease!

Barrrrrrrtendeerrrrrrrr *auto-tune t-pain's voice*

**Sally Socialite's brain is on hiatus until then: Blast from the Past blogs:**
Note: Some days when I hate my job (which is one day too many!), I think about going back to the bar scene. After reading this...i think not! HAHAH

Friday, January 04, 2008
I can't tell if I'm bitchy or funny. Obviously, I'd like to think I was funny. But i think people at work think i'm bitchy. Co-workers, managers, customers...

I swear though. Some people make it sooooooo eassssssyyy! Like tonight for instance. It was a relatively short shift and I already have a handful of examples!
Case 1
M = Manager
S= Sally
*Background: VERY Southern people singing "YOU DONT HAVE TO CALL ME DARLIN!"*
M: What's that sound?
S: It's my table. Drunk rednecks. There's like a million of them! They're super nice. With me, with each other. A little too friendly with each other...I'm tellin ya, it's like an orgy how touchy feely they are with one another. But then, they're rednecks so it could just be a family reunion! Bwahahahha!
M: *laughs * SALLY! That's fucked up.
S: Joke...joke...
M: *Walks away shaking head* Damn you're mean.

It was sooooo just a joke! Cmon! It's funny!
Case 2
FC = Female Customer: 4 obnoxious, crayon-box-exploded-on-my-face-but-i'll-call-it-make-up, overly accesorized girls (Coco Chanel: "Before you leave the house take one thing off" These girls should've taken like 10 things off and need turpentine to wipe their make up off but annyywayss)
S=Sally
MC= Male Customer

C: Can you give us limes and salt for our shots?
S: Sure! I'll be right back with that.
*I come back with it and they're already done with their shots and some how already had limes and salt*
C: HAHAHAHAH! [literally in my face like an inch away] HAHAHAH! SORRRY! It's just like someone already brought it for us while you were getting it! HAHAH But you're fabulous anyways! HAHAHHA
S: HAHAHAH (just as fake as them) Aw, thanks! Wish I could say you guys were too but you're drinking RAIL TEQUILA. (at which other people standing around made horrible faces)Not fabulous. Not even human ewww!

Well. That stopped her in her tracks. She glared at me so I wandered away to another customer and when I turned around they left.

***Note: I only said it b/c she was IN MY FACE! And they already tipped so I didn't have to worry about losing it. Bwahaha
S: Where did the banchees go?
MC: Excuse me?
S: One of the banchees ordered a beer. Where did she go?
MC: Oh. They left...They just got here too so...I dont know why they did leave so early...but i'll pay for their beer...

Now he looked pretty bummed out about it b/c i guess he and his friends thought they were hot... ew... anyways so i felt bad the girls skipped out on them if they wanted get with them, so to make 'em feel less rejected I said...

S: Dude, they look like stevie wonder did their make up and ordered rail tequila and beer. As classy as that is... I think you can do better. And if you still wanna sleep with them, then it looks like you're gonna need rail tequila to get through it too.
MC and friends: HAHAHA Damn girl.
S: What? You think i'm mean? Can you honestly tell me that isn't true?
MC and friends: OOooh girl. You're mean.
S: *shrugs* When you tell me I'm lying, i'll take it back...
MC: Cmon they weren't that bad.
S: No, in fairness they weren't totally busted but can I make a suggestion?
MC: Why not.
S: Masturbate. You won't regret it in the morning.
FUNNY right? Not mean. Not bitchy!

*Sigh*

Well, I dont know what I can do to shake my bitchy reputation b/c i promise you i'm not. Maybe smartass is a better word? But then smartass is just a nice way of saying bitch. Hahah WELL! Better to be a smartass then a dumbass....

So Hot in...So Hot in HURR!

**Sally Socialite's brain is on hiatus until then: Blast from the Past blogs:**

Friday, December 07, 2007
Lalalalala! I'm in a great mood cuz the Skins won yesterday. Woo hoo! Yes, bitches, they sure did. I was at my friend's art show before hand and almost socked this girl right in the face b/c she was skins bashing. Which is totally fine b/c you're allowed to like or not like teams but she was being so fuckin' DUMB and obnoxious about it.
Whatevers.
Unfortunately, I'm starting to worry about myself b/c I've turned into a man when it comes to football. Must. Watch. Football. No speaking of subjects unrelated to football or no answer will be given. Thankfully I don't drink beer, really, so that's my saving grace. Instead it was bailey's and coffee. MmmMMMm! Watched the game with my burke boys and David (Luv 'em all!) and then some random cartoons that they played later after the game on the screens.
Then wandered home and stayed up talking to my mom while she watched something on the news about global warming and I really wanna know something. Why is global warming such a problem? I'm serious. I tried to ask my mom about it and the convo went like this...:
Me: I dont understand global warming.
Mom: What don't you understand?
Me: Why it's a problem.
Mom: Um. Well it's--
Me: Okay it's probably like "oh crap flooding!"
Mom: Well yes, and--
Me: So. Why don't we take it all to the deserts then? Like the sarhara, death valley, australian outback.
Mom: It's not that--
Me: Or! Contact brita and get a reallllllly big filter. or like a few thousand filters and we can drink it all. They always say that there are thirsty starving people out there. Sooo let's not hog the ice caps and share!
Mom: Sally, those--
Me: OR! Put it in a reallllllly big humidifier. Brings moisture to the air or clears pores. OR, Mom i'm on a roll here, get like a really big pot and boil it all away until it like evaporates...Mom? Mom. I'm a genius.
Mom: *blank stare*
Me: Mom...am I dumb? THose were really smart ideas!
Mom: Oh Sally, you think in a different way that's all.
Like the way she didn't say that i wasn't dumb? Hahah it's ok i stll love her. And i still think I have good ideas. so there! Off to find something warm to wear and/or drink. Peace out!

I Just Want Your Extra Time and Your....Kiss

**Sally Socialite's brain is on hiatus until then: Blast from the Past blogs:**

Monday, December 03, 2007 :
Thursday I got a little more than wasted. It was *NOT* pretty and I do apologize to anyone who had to be in a 20 mile radius of me because there's a good chance that I
1.) Swung my arms around you and proclaimed to everyone that "I LOVE THIS GIRL/GUY! HE/SHE IS COOL AS SHIT!" and really meant it.
2.) Told you some inane story. I dont remember telling any stories but it apparently have happened.
3.) I may have tried to include you in my dance/singing party and if you refused to participate I'd said "You know what? You're pretty fuckin' boring. You're lucky you're sexy or this friendship wouldn't work. Ahhh it would. im kidding. IM KIDDING!"
4.) I may have broken your ear drums shrieking with laughter or yelling in general. Esp "Stop fuckin' trying to gang bang me!" as i yelled to 3 groups of guys. Eek.
5.) Slurred speech. "ifffuggin canned rive butssssss oon!" = i fuckin' cant drive but soon!
*Cringes*
I have serious drinkers remorse. But particulary b/c i ended up making out with several guys...that I didnt know and couldn't pick out from a crowd. And to those boys and many others (def not all!!! mmm def not all hahah) read this list and follow the rules!
I. Thou shall not use tongue as a blender
-Tongue in mouth and then it goes all over the place without rhyme or reason and just ends up uncomfortable and sloppy. Thanks but i'd rather NOT have my tongue pureed.

II. Thou shal not try to digest partner
-Sometimes they'll stick their tongue so far down my throat and mash their face into mine that i'm parallel to the ground. Please. Don't try to inhale me/digest me. It's so not becoming...

III. Thou shall not attempt to be Mike Tyson.
-Biting of the lip should only be done by people who actually know how to execute it properly. This guy kept trying to do that and

IV. Thou shall not make out with Cousin It.
-If you're trying to kiss my neck then go for it. If my hair is in the way the fuckin' move it or wait for me to move it instead of just going for it. If not, I end up with wet, soaking spit stained hair hitting me against my neck which decreases your chances by a million and Then you've just got a mouthful of hair.

V. Thou shall not try to do too many things at once.
-This one kid try to hold my face while kissing me, move his tongue around, bit my lip, and do something with my hair all at once. And then he kept repeating the cycle! I was like okk that's enough.

VI. Thou shall not let the tongue get out of control.
-Your tongue should not be used as a blender (as noted in the first 'shall not') but it also should resemble a hose of a vacuum cleaner that's gone crazy, a dead fish, a sword fight/hockey game, washing machine cycle...

VII. Thou shall not lather, rinse, repeat.
-Meaning dont do the same shit over and over again. It gets old no matter how hot you are.

VIII. Thou shall not talk too much whilst kissing.
-You kiss me. You ask me a random question (what's your name? what are you doing later? Do you have a boyfriend?) and before i can answer you already kiss me again. Or when I respond you keep kissing me so the answer gets all chopped up. "It....s...Sal...ly..." It's awkward and you dont actually care or will remember soooo...

IX.

X.

I leave the last two blank for you guys to fill in. It's not just guys that break this thou shall nots so dont get in all my face guys or send me hostile messages b/c I imagine that it can be this way for girls too. I haven't really made out with any girls before soo.. (Does Thurs count? I hope not. b/c i was caught of guard and pinned to the ground!)

Any how, I'm gonna get going here. But kisses to all! (Following the thou shall nots of course...haha)