No Scrubs

Ok. It's that time of year again.

The time of year I toy with wanting to put myself back into the dating world. Not the fucking world. Dating.

Like L'oreal. Because I'm worth it. hahaha

I really never left it but I'll admit it. I've been lazy or have had stupid luck. I'm sick of going out on secret dates (the secret being that I don't tell anyone because I dont want to say anything preemptively), I'm sick of "I LIKE YOU SALLY" followed by either 1.) Stalking 2.) Me running away

So here's the game plan--because you know I always need one.

Its you guys, my friends, that are going to be my Ocean's 11 but my last name isn't ocean and im' definitely not going to disclose my last name on an internet posting. So they'll be Sally's 11.

And after careful assessment, here's the Sally's 11 (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER):

1.) My NoN: She's either met or heard about my trail of men for the past 10+ years. She knows how flighty I can be, overly emotional, and helplessly naiive. She works in cahoots with "The Clam & Mini Mom" "The Catfish", "HEY YO GURL", and Alicia who I dont have a name for yet. And they know when homie don't play that.
What she brings to the table: Bullshitometer, psychicness, and of course, loopholes.

2.) My blasians: They're my sister from another mister, and my brother from another mother. Always supportive but will choke a bitch if they have to. I've seen the aftermath of what they did to an ex who tortured me. can't say much more other than...HILARIOUS.
What they bring to the table: Realness and WEIRDO ALERT. (Aisha: The MEOW incident & Greg covers it all the things i DONT want)

3.) My Soco and Lime: This ebony and ivory duo have only been in my life for a little bit but hopefully will be around much longer. These little freak nasties will help rule out the ones who are no good at SEXY TIME!
What they bring to the table: Freaky Factor

4.) My Kimora and Jiman: A girl should always have a fabulous friend and she is mine. She has a strict no scrubs rule and I broke it before i even met her. Now i have met her and she's one of my besties so i need to fall in line! Her hubbie to be also has great insight. Seriously, alcohol + them + me + their house = hours of awesome convo.
What they bring to the table: FabulousiTi TesT. DUH.

5.) The Gays aka My Fierce friend and the other socialite: I'm sorry, but what is a list of critics without fabulous gay men?

The Fierce friend: We instantly bonded over our hate for a psychopath (no really the girl was a LOON. She sent me Barbie postcards when i stopped returning her calls and all the postcards were like "You haven't called me back I LOVE YOU." Yeah weird. anyways... he's so many kinds of fierce that snaps dont do justice. He's a ball of joy and light and fun but me + him + alcochol and cigs are equal serious laughs and hilariously bitchy comments about everyone else. I adore him and miss that they shut down our local bar (but maybe not local since he moved!) but when our forces combine, hey girl hey. better look out.
What he brings: Fierceness and is your man really straight test.
The Socialite:This guy remembers the day I breezed into his life with my little shorts, platform sneakers, pigtails, a thousand bracelets on each of my arms and my london wifebeater. Why are my clothes important in this mini story? Well. It's nto but it shows his memory, attention to detail and obvious great choice in friends ;) I adore him and never get to talk to him/hang with him as much as we should but being that we're both socialites, we understand.
What he brings: Socialelitism Test

6.) My Party People: These crazy kids I only see at parties. We don't mean for it to happen that way, it just does. Luckily, we love to party so we don't go for too long without seeing each other. Like my other socialite, they know that I have a partying side and a serious side and the best part about the girls (esp the head girl) is they keep it real and keep it moving.
What they bring: They're like my map. Actually GPS. Maps are so passe. They'll tell a Sally to keep on the path or let me know if i need to tell him to hit the highway--destination LOSERVILLE (and no that's not an application on facebook hahah)

7.) My Thug Life: He knows the streets. He also knows the law. (As in finished law school hahah) Known him about 3 years now and each year, his sighs get louder as I tell him about the flavor of the week (unforunately, the menu hasn't changed much! HAHAH)
What he brings: Street savvy Test aka is this kid a PUNK?

8.) My cheerleaders: Ah my lovely ladies!!! They support whatever I do but we've all been around the block before (not in that hoe kinda way, relax...) and they're full of positivity but they can sense the same old story guy from a mile away.
What they bring: If it walks like a ______, Talks like a _____, then it's a ______ Sally. Keep him or throw him back in the ocean and hope he drowns!

9.) My Axis of Evil: These girls absolutely crack me up. They are the sweeeeeeeeeetest girls I know. BUT. They either LOVE you or they HATE you. On top of that, they are fellow minorites and while we're all from different cultures, we all share the same views on cultural things and they are HUGE on NOT letting someone disrepect you.
What they bring: Cultural awareness, honesty and Respect test.

10.) The Boys! The Boys!: These guys a riot. They've seen my ups (sometimes chemically induced ups hahaha) and my downs. They appreciate that I'm as tomboyish as I am girly girl. They know that tomboyish sally has lots of guy friends, NEEDS HER OWN SPACE, talks a lot of shit and is ready to throwdown (which they mostly laugh at b/c 5'4 but still). BUT. They know that I cry, I'm thoughtful,
What they bring: Jealousy/Insecuuuurrrity Test! Does my suitor have tough/thick enough skin (ew gross not that kind!) to cope with the fact that I am friends with these guys and several others without trippin' out?

11.) My BFF/Bodyguard: He knows me in a way that the other 10 don't and scarily well, period end of story. And, some of us have seen him with a baseball bat. yeahhhhhh nuff said hahah
What he brings: I dont know what he brings persay, but i do know that if he thought for one second that this person was a loser or someone who's not going to treat a Sally very nicely, he'll knock 'em the fuck out. Seriously.

PHEW! Quite a crew! But all very necessary in my life. I know your inclination is to tell me one or all of the three:
1.) GO RUB A LAMP SWEETHEART: Aint nobody like that exists!
2.) Conceited much? Who ARE YOU?? What makes you so special?
3.) Lame.

My rebuttle?
1.) Go fuck yourself. I didn't say they had to pass all the tests.
2.) Go fuck yourself. Everyone is free to do this with their own friends if they so choose and i choose. get over it haterrrrrrrrrr.
3.) Your mom? I know. Now go fuck yourself.

hahhaha <3 <3 <3!