Monday, November 22, 2010

I'm Not Gonna Write You a Love Song

I'm with you Sarah Barralis. Or however the hell you spell your name.
I'm not writing a love song.
I wanna make a ridiculous amount of money and since the job market blows and Katy Perry didnt want to pay my bills, I need to find another way.

Ladies and Gentlemen of my blog...

I am going to be...

A one hit wonder.

My musial inspiration?


Love her or hater her (i go back and forth), that bitch is worth 2.5 million dollars.


I call my song

"AutoTune The Room"

Please see the meaningful, deep lyrics I've created in 8 minutes below.

I thank you for the compliments ahead of time.

"AutoTune The Room"
By: Sally Socialite

Get wasted
Get drunk
Fill up your glass
Raise it up
Party til the sun comes up

Show me what you got

That's hot

shots shots shots shot-shots

Make your way through the crowd

Get loud
Get crazy
Drink until everything's hazy

DJs spinnin all night long
2 more shots until our song
Sweat fallin
Guys ballin
Pay the tab
Call a cab

Do it up
Do it right
Do it all night

Party til the end
Then do it all over again


Dead or Alive

Oh yes. It's time again for me vs the little sister Julie.

Everytime my family likes to make jokes at my expense like im an airhead valley girl, Julie seems to shut everyone up b/c the girl does NOT know ANYTHING about history OR current events.

Obviously, no one really is a CNN news ticker and knows everything that's going on. I mean like there are like a lot of places in the world and lots of things going on so it's like impossible!

But there are some common sense things that you oughta know!

Julie, mind you, being the same person who thought that Pavarotti (the late italian opera singer) was responsible for killing Princess Diana. When i unkindly let her know that it was the PAPARAZZI she was like "WHatever same thing."

I think not.

She was babbling about not so current affairs so i decided to play a game with her called "Dead or Alive" where i would name people and she would say if they were dead or alive.

Me: Led Zeppelin.
Julie: Alive.... ::glances at my face expression:: Dead good and alive in our hearts...
Me: You dont know do you?
Julie: I know that they...ROCK.
Me: 3 of 4 are ALIVE.
Julie: That was a trick question!
Me: Whatever. Next. Yasser Arafat.
Julie: What?
Julie: Oh yeah! I loved him on American Idol. I would've voted for him.
Julie: He sang that song..."Baby I will wait for you..."
Julie: Oh. Yeah whatever. Arafat...
Me: YES. Dead or alive?
Julie: Um...alive. He was great in that position he was in...what was it?
Me: (dripping with sarcasm) Corner back of the Steelers.
Julie: Oh yeah! Him and the terrible towel. What an athlete...
Julie: Of course he was not! Who would think that??
Me: *sigh*
Julie: B/c he was too the leader of Al-Qaeda.
Julie: Right! Right. He's um...alive and doing a great job with the...organization.
Julie: I'm not gonna play this game if you call me names....
Me: Idi Amin.
Julie: Was he in...a...rap group?
Me: JULIE HE WAS A HORRIBLE PERSON! A leader and former president of Uganda!
Julie: Geez. Whats with you and these world leaders?
Me: What's with you NOT knowing ANY world leaders?
Julie: No! I know one. Um....The prime minister of England is um...isn't it uh....
Me: Yes?
Julie: ....Craig David?
Me: THATS THE GUY WHO SANG "Can you fill me innnn?"
Julie: On the latest in parliament. Maybe he liked musicals...
Me: NO. He's a singer.
Julie: Right. It's not him because John Blair is obviously the prime minister.
Me: NO. You're think of Tony Blair and it's not him anymore.
Julie: Since when!?
Me: Since...2007 or so?
Julie: And theydidn't tell me???
Julie: No. APPARENTLY, it makes people tense. Look at you, you're all riled up.
Me: B/c my sister is a moron.

And she is.

I still love her though...sometimes, like many people in our lives...she makes it hard. hahahah

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

That's Not My Name

What's in a name? That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet.

Sorry Juliet, but a name means soooooooooooo much. And as a girl named Sally, I must say it sucks but I cant even get mad b/c judging someone by their name makes total sense.

Like today, I was talking to my favorite at work Erine (pronounced Aaron...not Ernie as is Bert haha) and we were talking about this lady Bertha. I mean for cryin' out loud, her name is Bertha. The poor thing! Unless she's smoking hot (which is very doubtful), she doesn't stand a chance in this world! And if she is smokin' hot, she probably has enough damn sense to go by a middle name or a nick name.

Then some how Nigel and I were talking about names. I wont disclose Nigel's last name since i dont like to throw people out there like that on an internete blog but really, if you do know his last name and w/o knowing what he looks like, it seems very british white guy.

Nigel is black and from louisiana.

He was saying how people screw up his name and I believe his exact words were "I know they think cuz they see me and i'm black that my name will kinda sound like THAT WORD but I'm like dont say it man. It's nigel. Not Niggle. I know you wanna call me that..."

So vastly inappropriate. So incredibly hysterical!

But yeah back to my original point, I'm totally jealous b/c I dont have a sexy name. Seriously, my name is Sally. Chances are you think of an old crusty lady who has a cat and a candy dish and a big crocheted doylie on her couch. You dont think of the short fiesty Korean girl who's a hooker with a heart of gold aka me. And you certainly dont think of a bombshell.

Nigel asked what constitues a hot girl name and I started out by saying what's NOT a hot girl name. Gertrude. Bertha (obviously). Sally.

No guy has ever been like "Sally, yeah she's fuckin' hot"

They're more likely to say "Sally. Yeah she plays bridge with my Grandma"

I'm not fishing for compliments or being self depricating. I've learned over time to really like my name. Esp since (for those of you who know) it goes nicely with my last name\e. I think that's why my best friends or people who know me pretty well call me by my full name. I love it! It cracks me up.

Hot girl names, Nigel and I agreed on include most foreign names (like Natalia...not so much for Asian names sorry to report but as an Asian i can say i agree. The name "Phung" just doesnt cute...), K/Crystals, Valeries, Heathers, Hayley, Chloe etc.

Hot guy names are your Kyles, Justins, Marks, Ryans, etc.
Not hot guy names are the Eugenes, Forrest, Cledus, Max's of the world. (Now that i've said that, my future husband's name is going to be Eugene Forrest Max the 3rd...)

Admittedly, there are some names that are hard to categorize (even the ones mentioned above) b/c part of human nature is to associate names with people who you know and may not like and that makes you go ewww gross me out! B/c someone with that name is some whore you dont like or some douchebag you knew. I get it.

The other part of the name thing that kills me are the parents i want to SLAP b/c they should know better than to name their kid a certain first name KNOWING what their last name is.

Michael Jackson (went to middle school with a guy with that name. poor guy)
John Johnson (Really? You dont have to be creative or off the wall like Xavier or Sky but you couldnt think of anything better than John knowing damn well that his last name is johnson??)
Ben Dover ( i mean really. who are your parents? Bevis and Butthead??)

And so on and so forth.

So when you guys start getting preggo, may it be on purpose or OOPSIE, think it through before you legalize it.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

That Girl is Poisonnnnnnnn

That girl may be poison. This girl aka me, apparently DRINKS poison.

Someone send that memo to Bell Biv Devoe, yes?

And for the millionth time, it was not bloodly well a suicide attempt.

I do appreciate the love and warm fuzzies from my friends and even some acquaintances. Makes getting better a lot easier! :)

Not so appreciated? Stupid jokes from friends who ought to know better but dont. There's a time to joke but now isn't it. I'm not sure what's hilarious about almost losing the ability to speak or having your esophagus eaten away to the point where you might need a breathing tube so you dont die or stomach ulcers. Oh yeah. HYSTERICAL. And believe it or not, some people were more preoccupied with thinking of clever jokes about my sitch or "you cant eat certain foods? maybe you'll lose weight!" wait, did you just backhandedly call me fat? i think you did. Asshole. At least my tops of MY thighs dont rub together with such friction that it makes smokey the bear nervous. Yeah i said it.

I digress.

Although, after seeing my medical bills--yeah. That makes me suicidal. After healthcare notes were to continue my 3 diff meds (which btw are not fun drugs so dont ask me to share. unless you're crazy about prescription strength antacid...or ulcer coaters...or steroids. And no, not the kind of steroids you're thinking about. i.e. SALLY ANGRY! SALLY SMASH!)

I'm not big on politics but i know this much, we need to do something about this whole healthcare thing b/c guess what? I dont have the $XX,XXX.XX amount to just drop on my bills. I'm HIGHLY doubt I'm the only one.

Part of what really totally bugs me is that somehow illegal immigrants and people who lie to cheat the system are getting free health care, grants, and their bills written off but someone like me who's a born citizen, pays my bills/taxes, doesn't have a traffic ticket to her name, volunteers, cant get a break b/c while i am considered "poor" b/c of my annual income based on fed standards, b/c i dont have a reckless amount of children or married, i get fucked over. And it's not me, i know other people out there are going through the sammmmmmmmme bullshit.

Solution? Move to Canada Sally and quit bitching.

1.)I have seriously considered it before but decided i love american football and warm weather too much
2.) I DO believe in our country except when it acts like a CUNT-ry. Healthcare issue is definitely one of the ones that makes me go, seriously? what are we savages?

Not really sure what the point of posting this was but dammit, at least I'm entertaining.

Now I'm off to go figure out ways to make more money including:
1.) Getting another job
2.) Selling a kidney
3.) Stripping in West Virginia
4.) Enter to see if Katy Perry will pay my bills (Hey, she paid Andrew's!)
5.) Being Ocean's 14th.

Wish me luck!