Thursday, March 26, 2009

I Can Play The Guitar Like A Motha F*&^5$ RIOT

Okay I can't.

Not yet anyways. My big bro is going to teach me how to. (even if he did throw me like I was a damn log down the hall. All I have to say is that must've been quite a site for my darling McWeeney and the Pretty Communal Hubbie)

I wanted to play anything Jason Mraz b/c he's dreaaaaaaamy. He's my hunk of every month.

The bro said no. Of course he said no. PSH.

Then I thought about "Dare you to move" by Switchfoot, "Yellow" by Coldplay and "Flake" by Jack Johnson.

No. No. No. Said the bro.

I'm like are you fucking serious?

He was.

This should make for a fun lesson, right?

Anyways then he said that the easiest song to learn is "Runaround" by Blues Traveler.

Tracv Chapman's "Give Me One Reason to Stay here"

You know dude looks like a lady?Well this lady looks more like a DUDE. But the lyrics and the song are money so she can dude it up all she wants.

...which apparently is a lot.

Hungry Like The Wolf

How I handled the Fridge Thief at Work:

In case it's too blurry and small to read, here's what it said:

So. I've heard from others (including myself) missing items from the fridge in the kitchen.
Simply put stop it.
Not simply put--it's not yours you didn't buy it you clearly didn't ask for permission so you're totally a theif who has a very strange diet of canned water, soy milk, yogurt, coke and frozen meals. Freak. Theif. Freakin' theif. Ahahah
Punishment = I will seriously make you eat the contents of the whole fridge.
I WILL BE CLEANING THE FRIDGE THIS FRIDAY AT 8:00 a.m. so if it doesn't have your name on it, say goodbye to that tasty lean cuisine,yogurt,dinner you had last night that you know would taste so good for lunch the next day.
I'm watching youuuuuuuu and I have assigned secret spies to keep their eyes out.
"I always feel like somebody's watchin' me!"
It's b/c we are.

Friday, March 20, 2009

These Are My Confessions Pt II (Just like Usher)

9:27 a.m. Janel has her eyes wide which causes me to have my eyes wide. Janel with eyes open at all before noon is shocking enough. She got as far as “Did you see those pants? Bright ass lemon“ before I held up my hand and started to giggle. Janel’s back was to the hall so she didn’t see that the lemon pantsed suspect was moving towards us.

9:38 a.m. AUGH!!! Candidate hiding in corner after I walked in with Janel and Nicole from our 9:30 break
9:43 a.m. Mayhem. Candidate keeps doing jack in the box act when I put him in the room, nervously popping his head in and out, Fax machine man—while very nice—just won’t shut up, phones are ringing non-stop and g-chat is blowing up.

9:43 a.m. Cramming my face with a sesame seed bagel. It’s bagel Friday after all. And just to be rebellious I used cream cheese that had walnuts in it. (I’m allergic to walnuts) but I figure they’re little enough where it shouldn’t make a difference, right?

9:59 a.m. The sound of sesames falling from the bagel on to the paper plait sounds like a rainstick.

10:02 a.m. Did I really just spell that p-l-a-i-t? I meant PLATE.

10:02 a.m. Andrew called in to let me know his person will be here any minute and is early as fuck. I asked him to define that he said “He was supposed to be here at 2:45.” Egads. What’s wrong with people?

10:06 a.m. Strike that. What’s wrong with me? I said e-gads. Who does that?

10:07 a.m. Me, apparently.

10:08 a.m. Okay I can’t wait. Gotta peeeeeeeeeeeee

10:17 a.m. I feel funny. Like head ache funny. I think the walnut thing was a bad bad bad idea. So much for sticking it to the man.

10:24 Chatted with EZ about the front desk area and a crazy biatch that will be joining out office. And he too brings up the alarmingly yellow pants. He’s a funny man and a great boss. Love it!

10:41 a.m. Janel’s got ANOTHER person in.

10:50 a.m. What’s cooler than being cool? ICE COLD! Yes, I managed to spill ice water down my arm and shirt and pants. Lovely. Just as well. The frat house either won’t mind or won’t notice that I’m walking around looking like a wet t-shirt contest contestant. It’s the frat house?
10:52 a.m. Did I mention that the big bro walked off the elevator just when I was muttering to myself how much I hated water? Luckily he already knows I’m insane.

11:01 a.m. McWeeney is blinded from lemon pant lady. I’m going to put out a warning. Code…yellow. Naturally.

11:16 a.m. EZ just caught me saying “USELESS!” and slamming the phone down. He walks by laughing and says “BUSTED! That was AWESOME.”

12:03 p.m. GAH! No clue what I want to eat for lunch.

12:10 p.m. Helping pimp Andrew out.

1:35 p.m. Back from a hilarious lunch with Janel. She’s too funny.

1:48 p.m. Helping pimp Andrew out.

1:52 p.m. Helping Andrew with the radio.

2:01 p.m Listening to Santeria. And everytime I hear this song it makes me blush for two reasons. 1.) I kareoked it by myself one drunken night and thought I was a rock star. Ahahah 2.) I had blasted it on my iPod when I was back from a run in the park and stretching and humming but then I figured since I was alone in the parking lot I belted on part out loud—you know the part that goes “And I won’t think twice to stick that barrel down straight down sancho’s throat/ believe me when I say that I got something for his PUNK ASS!” and took my head phones off before heading into my car. In the side view mirror I notice a family. Mom, dad and 2 small children who all looked quite upset with me. Eep.

2:44 p.m. Strange squeaky sound coming from the computer. Alarming. Eek!

3:11 p.m. Just like my fav band. 311. Whoop! Whoop!

3:51 p.m. I’m way too distracted to complete this diary. Hahahah maybe next time.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

The Sprain

Kelly: What happened to you?
Lisa: I kicked the TV and sprained my ankle.
Jessie: Why?
Lisa: I was watching the new Revlon commercial and they discontinued my nail polish

[Cue canned laughter]

Yeah it's hilarious and adorable when it's Lisa Turtle sprains her ankle. She even has an entertaining story. It's a lot less funny and very much not adorable when it's Sally Pak. No entertaining story to follow.

She won the trophy at the max and was admired be her peers AND casey kasem.

All i got was this lousy bandage.

And a limp where I feel like I should be like "yessssssssss mastttttttterrrrrrrrr"

Although last night a few buddies and myself discovered that if i throw my hips into it, i can do a pimp limp instead.

I'll have to say this, I am pretty mystified about comments I've been getting about my ankle. The winner has to be from my boss.

"Can't believe you hurt your ankle! You can't do that Sally. You're a dancer!"

And all i could do was blink and smile.


I should've said something clever like "I wouldn't have to be a dancer on the side if you gave me a raise you big booty ho!"

But I rather like my boss and having a job. LoL he's good people.

...maybe he said it b/c i backed my thing up into him by mistake. I should beep before I back my thing up.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

These Are My Confessions...

7:52 a.m. Yay! Early for work! I mean that. It’s been hella hard to wake up with this stupid spring forward business. Yes, after 24 years you’d think I’d be used to it but I’m not.
8:25 a.m. Our fearless leader (aka my Sapphire boss) talks to me about the incident yesterday when this total nut job wandered into my lobby and proceeded to harass me with questions and then physically become invasive, but he didn’t put his hands on me. As I told Anna and Andrew yesterday, if that fucker put his hands on me I would be like “Ah hey-ull nah!” and if my hair wasn’t actually mine, I’d have snatched off and it would’ve been on like donkey kong. Hahah the great boss that is EZ has made me feel better but told me he’s still telling corporate just in case something else should happen though nothing will. He’s super! And so is my big bro for almost knocking out the dude (if he didn’t leave).
8:40 a.m. Made a poptart. Thought I would’ve learned my lesson from yesterday about poptarts, especially the way I went on and on about it with KTJ. But I am still addicted.
9:40 a.m. Smelly candidate has entered.
9:43 a.m. Warned Carl and Janel about said smelly candidate.
10:02 a.m. I seemed to have misplaced Erik. Crap. I checked my purse, around the computer…nothing. He is from Burke so the probability of him being lost is not one that people will mind but he does has Fairfax blood in him so I need to find him asap. 10:09 a.m. Ironing out details of my band with Big Bro. We’re kind of a big deal, you see.
10:09 a.m. Email back and forth with Alexandra b/c we’re both bored and miserable. Lol
10:20 a.m. Random candidate has wandered in saying she’s here for an 11:30 meeting. I understand that being early/on time for an interview is important BUT an hour is just silliness.
10:27 a.m. Smelly candidate has exited.
10:35 a.m. The trainer is here and I’m not sure what to do with him.
10:50 a.m. Back from a smoke break with Janel. Conclusion? It’s been a very strange week…and it’s only Wednesday!
10:56 a.m. The last employee to arrive has well…arrived. Ugh. I’m tired and sleepy.
10:56 a.m. I realize tired and sleepy means the same thing. But then not b/c you could be tired from running 10 miles straight but not be sleepy. Right? Right.
10:57 a.m. Kid no older than 16 years old has arrived with a potted plant and is aimlessly wandering the halls. That’s not weird or anything.
10:59 a.m. 16 year old stops to smile at me through the glass doors. I smile back and he starts stretching his legs.[He is w/o plant now.]
11:06 a.m. Wave at Shannon. Everyday I wave at everyone who walks by from my desk since there are clear glass doors (and even to a few I don’t know haha). I don’t know why I do it but everyone waves back so I figure it’s a courtesy thing. And good practice for when I win the Miss America Pageant and ride on floats and what not. Hahah
11:23 a.m. Danielley and I are a hot mess. I loves it!
11:31 a.m. Chase walks by and says “Hi Sally!” in a Mickey Mouse voice. Irony? With his new hairdo, he looks more like Donald Duck. Unlike Donald, Chase DOES wear pants. It’s appreciated.
11:33 a.m. Carl drops water bottle off at my desk and I want to do something funny to it. Maybe draw on it while he meets with his girl.
11:34 a.m. Wrote “Skyy Vodka” on Carl’s water bottle. Hope he finds that funny and doesn’t get mad at me. Especially since he’s literally a foot taller than me.

11:37 a.m. God bless g-chat. KTJ and Danielley are making the day go by much quicker and def more pleasantly.
11:40 a.m. There are sounds of something tumbling over in one of the interview rooms. I wonder what tumbled over. (Hopefully not one of our candidates…)
11:43 a.m. Carl runs outta his room snatches his bottle before I get a chance to see his face reaction to the writing.
11:44 a.m. Jay sees my guilty face and calls “Shady McShaderson!” over his shoulder on his way out.
11:45 a.m. Here comes Carl. AHHH!!!
11:50 a.m. Carl totally called me out in a slick way. He asked for his person’s paperwork which I forked over with my most innocent of faces. He acts non chalant and then throws in a casual “oh btw…skyy vodka?” I giggled nervously and hysterically. He shook his head, smiled and walked away. That’s so Carl!
12:11 p.m. Back from a cig break with the big bro. We discussed friendship, big macs, porn and our band. A usual convo for us.
12:13 p.m. I think he’s going to be mad if I post anything mentioning him at all. He is a very private person. Not a stick in the mud or anything like that but doesn’t like people all up in his shit. Which is totally fair. And something I respect about him. Let’s ask b.b. and see what he says.
12:23 p.m. No response from the bro but Sasina has finally surfaced. I wondered where she had been all day!
12:25 p.m. why are there so many effing crumbs at my desk!?
12:29 p.m. oh yeah. The whole I ate a pop-tart for breakfast thing.
1:47 p.m. Back from running to the mall with Andrew. Went to Macys so he could use a gift card and get a shirt. It was a nice shirt. Okay and I don’t know why I wrote that sentence like a freaking second grader. “Today was fun. The sun was out. It was a good day.” Hahahh we went to subway and I feel healthier. Minus the cigarette I plan on having shortly. Chatted with Janel a bit. I miss not having her on gchat!
1:50 p.m. Anna runs up excitedly with lovely plans to kill Dale. I offer to chip in and recruit a hitman.
1:52 p.m. The Bro has agreed to let me use his name under certain conditions. Anna was kind enough to let him borrow her name but I don’t think he’s cool with that. He said something back but I don’t know if it’s a yes or a no. That’s kinda how things go with us.
2:04 p.m. Sucking at life but Pamela is making me feel better about it.
2:31 p.m. Sasina wants to come down on a smoke break with me, preferably to hide behind me should big bro venture down with us.
2:35 p.m. Chase is not only melodious but he’s a total goober. And a good speller. Let’s be honest though, he’s lucky that he has a gal like Alexandra ;)
2:56 p.m. Nate just flew in (naturally as his theme song is “Flight of the Bumblebee” ) with a big silly grin on his face. I was like er?
3:16 p.m. Big bro is sure mad at me. Sadness! I totally didn’t mean to make him mad at me or at all come to think of it.
3:31 p.m. Delivered mail, made up with the big bro all is well in the world.
4:25 p.m. smoke break with Sasina and Janel (though Sasina is not a smoker she still came along for the ride.) Also stood up by big bro. The big stupid head. Hahah kidding!
4:27 p.m. I’m tired of dress and heels and I’d really like to just go home. Yes.
4:44 p.m. I’m so done with today. I don’t want to go runninnnnnnnnnnnnng. Damn damn damn.
4:45 p.m. Damn.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

My Milkshake Brings All The Boys to the Yard

Yeah too bad it's not my milkshake.

Apparently it's my fowl mood which only goes to show that yes, ladies, guys DO only like bitchy women.

(kidding. kinda.)

I was a ball of fury this morning. The reason for the fury is unimportant. What is is that I went downstairs to have a mental breakdown and honestly burst in to tears or chainsmoke myself into a coma. Perhaps both.

I grab my marlboros and stupidly forgot to bring some form of fire so when I got outside I asked a fellow smoker I chat with occasionally for a light which he seemed to have decided was jusssssst the right time to start hitting on me. Telling me that he would do ANYTHING for me and that the weather was supposed to be beautiful this weekend--did I have plans. I gave him quick answers with a smile and sat on the bottomstep to resume crying and dialing (which btw never happened. The crying part.)

I felt bad b/c he IS a legitly nice guy BUT that was not the time for anything. I bitch bitch bitch on the phone, throw my kicked ciggie out and then turn to go back into the building when TWO guys stopped and were like "Heeeeey, why are you rushing in?" I'm like I DONT KNOW YOU! PISS OFF.

...too bad I didn't actually say that.

I tried to be polite but then they started with the "it's supposed to be beautiful this weekend" and im like HOLY JESUS. FIND A BETTER PICK UP LINE.

...but I didn't actually say that either.

I rushed through the conversation and through the revovling doors.


Final thought? not only do guys like bitchy women BUT it truly IS when you're not looking for attention from someone that you get attention from everyone.

Mazal Tov.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Ice Ice Baby.

I'm bringing it back old school. Pong bay-beh!
See that dot gliding back and forth?
That's apparently doubles as my car in snowy/icy conditions.
Laugh if you must but I had a freaking breakdown (emotional) driving (gliding??) to work in my car (aka tin can of death/casketsleigh.)
Not that my car is shitty. It's decent. It does what I need it to do--a little bruised and needs a bath but so do I. It doesn't judge and neither do i.
...whoa. sorry about that. sounded like i wanted to hump my car or something. ahahaha
k just wanted to share.

Oh. And btw. I'm getting married!