Sunday, February 24, 2013

Nothing More Than Feelings

Let's cut to the chase. My father passed away Thursday afternoon. I now forever hate Thursdays, that time of the afternoon and Februarys. I understand now why it's the shortest month of the year. No fuckin' wonder why the romans, greeks, mayans, or whoever constructed the calendar made it a short month with a goofy name and goofier spelling.

Some people cry to grieve. Some people drink their faces off or chain smoke or over eat or don't eat. My special way of dealing with this is to cry spontaneously (it really is a gift), avoid seeing people I love to the best of my ability, not talking about it and eat normally but barf shortly thereafter. Brag,  brag, brag. That's what I do.

This is all very incredibly personal so I'm sure the question, why blog about it is lingering in your mind. It's because I'm a giant fuckin' nerd and while some people run to relieve stress or drink or knit or read or watch TV or whatever--mine is writing. I'm not great at a lot of things in life but this is a solid win for me.

I'm not gonna focus on my complete shattering devastation of it all, but instead, focus on the reaction. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Or maybe it's 1% and 99%. I dont know. You all know i've never been very good at math at all despite indications (i.e. my race) that would indicate otherwise. All I have to say about my reaction and feeling is that I'm fully aware that I'm in denial and avoiding much thought about this. I'm acting normal and implore those around me to do the same with me because I'm much happier avoiding it all together.

What I will say is that there is a lot to be learned from dealing with all of this. You learn who you are and who you're not. You learn about friends you have and those you thought were close to you but maybe aren't. Or maybe they still are and aren't great at words of sympathy or whatever. Is there really any "right" thing to say? It's awkward and I understand.

I am sorry I haven't said anything to 95% of my friends. I'm glad I told the 5%. Collectively, I know people want me to talk about it and want to ask questions but i literally can't right now and maybe never will be able to.

For those who know, I am completely touched and can't even formulate the right words to say how much I am truly grateful for love and support. My best friends are amazing and I hope everyone has friends like that around them, even if it's just one. I have one that has been... even more of a rockstar that I already thought they were. I have two newer friends who cracked the impossible and made me laugh almost all weekend long with their silly (or silky according to autocorrect) texts and sincerity. The others who know, have been phenomenal and even though I feel like...well I feel shitty quite frankly, I feel beyond lucky to have so many earth angels around me. Now i have one in heaven. I wish he wasn't there but if he can't be with me and the family, then heaven surely isn't a bad alternative.

I feel numb, sad, devastated, lucky, confused, furious, regretful, annoyed, terrified, hollow, sick, proud, fortunate, blessed, but mostly I feel an enormous void that will never be filled. I know the rest of the feelings (well the bad ones) will shake away over time but the void will never ever be filled. Ever.