Thursday, January 19, 2012

Last Friday Night

Actually it wasn't a friday so much as it was a Saturday night.

This blog isn't from me but rather a former coworker i've kept in touch with whom i adore! I normally save my blog for Sally stuff but this was so damn well written and hilarious, it couldn't help but post it. You dont have to know Aaron to get it but quick backstory, Aaron, Kacey (another former coworker/current friend haha) and I used to have urban Thursdays so you bring to the table all things urban that occured.

Here's what he sent us:

"Well wuzdamuhfuckindeal youbama's---

I want to walk you through my Saturday evening in hopes to make you laugh:

It starts around 5pm on Saturday evening. I get a phone call from my
buddy, Chris Long. You have to google him real quickly for the story
if you don't know who he is. He is about a 6'4" 270lb white honkey
that plays in the NFL and doesn't really see color/race/creed. He
tells me he is in town and it is our friends, Jameel Sewell (also look
him up-- the complete opposite), birthday. He tells me that he flew in
for the party and that I need to meet him at his hotel room in DC ASAP
and that we are going to a black tie gala for the "grown and sexy".

I show up to the hotel dressed to impress although I really have no
idea what I am getting myself into. I show up to his hotel room and
there is a hotel room full of black people with wardrobes completely
dressed in black with the following: huge designer belt buckles,
sunglasses, huge earrings, necklaces, etc. The whole nine.

We start taking shots of Hennessey and Jack while watching football
and listening to Common and Drake's feud.

Then it's off to the DC convention center. The birthday boy tells me
that this is the biggest party in DC. When we show up The line is
wrapped around the whole convention center and it is all middle-aged
African Americans dressed in their Sunday's Best dancing, being loud,
laughing for no reason, repeating what everyone says and clapping and
sneaking personal flask shots and Sutter Home bottle swings-- and this
was just in the line waiting to get checked in.

Of course my group didn't have to wait in line because we had VIP
tickets. All 8 of us were by far the youngest ones there. As Chris and
I are looking around we do not see ONE other white person (besides for
Chris, at this event I am considered a light skinned black guy and all
the heavy women are hitting on me hard, cause apparently thats what I
attrack in the black community. No Meghan Fox's or Gabrielle Unions of
the world, just the Precious's and Monique's).

We get up to security line where they have to wand your whole body for
weapons. The strange thing, at least I thought, was that everyone's
belt buckle would activate the wand and the security officer's would
NOT actually pat down the waists, where I would assume most of the
guns would be.

We get in and MY BOI Raheem DeVaughn is performing. All of the Grown
and Sexy single ladies are taking pictures, shaking their booty, and
throwing their underwear on the stage:

Line of the night from Raheem: "Damn, for all of those women throwing
their draws up here, I respect you. Going commando in 20 degree heat
shows the dedication to fucking me later"

The whole party was rocking and it seems that no one was really
drinking. There were six bars for 5,000 people and the line had to be
100 people deep. People were just partying and having a good time
sober! It was ridiculous to see that many people truly enjoying
themselves without imbibing on god's sweet nectar.

Low point in the night: I looked really good. Usually, this would come
as a precursor to a high point of the night (sex) but not in this


I just sit down at our table and just checking out the scene/ texting
people how ridiculous this party is.

40+ yr old Guy (in a fast jive-y kind of talk): Yo man, tonight is all
about play son, put down your phone and save work for tomorrow (gives
me a black handshake which will now be called a "dap")

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. I know whatchu mean son. I was just checkin in on someone.

40yr old Guy: You wanna hear something funny?

Me: (Didn't have time to respond)

40: I told mah pahtnah that I was going to be a vegetarian or some
shit in 2012--
Me: puzzled and not really listening)
40: But, I mean what the fuck, I can't be a vegetarian when there is
all this meat around (daps me like five times and leaves)

Me-- completely not really registering what is going on and go back to
my text. I replay what just happened and then I look to my right and
this guy is kissing on another man while pointing to me and smiling.

I quickly run to my group and hide from this guy the rest of the night.

Now, this may seem like an urban night already, however the best part
about the evening was the photography station. Right when you walk in
they have the typical red carpet where you can get your "grown and
sexy" picture with the liquor advertisement backdrop.

However, in the back corner of the convention center they had 3
different water painted backdrops that you could pose in front of.

The three consisted of:
1. a white gazeebo in front of a flowing waterfall during a sunset
2. a piano room with an empty bench where you could pose to be sitting
on with candles lit all around it
4. a forest theme

Groups of people/ couples/ and single people were lined up to take
pictures all night. We took the picture in the piano room.

The music was so loud that Chris and I decided to leave and meet up
with our other UVA friends. We get into the cab to go to some other
bar and Chris turns to me and says:

"hey did you hear that couple when we left? They said "well, there
goes the only two (white guys)"

I was DEVASTATED! My whole entire night went down the drain and I
still have not fully recovered..."