Tuesday, March 30, 2010

I wish I Was Special...So F***in SPECIALLLL

I get nervous everytime I have a frank and honest blog because of the backlash I get but you know what? It's my damn blog so here I go!

It's ridiculous how self centered everyone is and I'm pretty appalled and to a larger extent annoyed by it. I understand to some extent it's human nature and that's just how it is but i can't help but wonder why. Obviously as human being we're all selfish b/c at the end of the day, who have we got? Us. Right. Got it. But there's an overwhelming type of people that I'm genuinely concerned and bewildered by.

I know it must be like, well what (and more specifically WHO) sparked this?

Nothing actually. I've been trying write my book and came across a writers block so decided to take a step back to examining people in general and found that despite my wide spectrum of friends and acquatinces have the following thing in common.

EVERYONE seems to think the following about themselves:
-Too nice
-Hates drama
-Hopeless in relationships
-Perfect for a reality show
-A beach person
-Unhappy in their job
-A great listener/the one people go to their problems with/always there for people
-A hilarious/flirtatious drunk
-A people person
-Hates everyone
-Is an optimist
-So fat
-Okay looking/averagely attractive

None of these qualities are unique, I'm sorry to say. None. Accept it.

I struggle b/c I'm not sure if it's something that I'm pissed that I know so many people like this or that I can't seem to understand the rational behind it.

Like, I wonder why everyone has the need to be numero uno in life in general and always in competition with their own friends, even if it's not intentional. Maybe competition isn't the right word but trying to stand out. Religiously checking the number of friends they have on facebook, adding people you met once and will probably never speak to again, trying to think of a saucy, clever, funny, attention grabbing status message on facebook, gchat etc, taking pics and posting them where everyone looks like they're friends and having a greeat time when actually the night was either horribly boring or full of drama rama.

I can't say I've never done any of this before but I can say I definitely believe that there's a category of people who almost strategically do this and it's very...well i wanna say pathetic but given that these are my friends i'm talking about...mystifying? LOL i dont know.

I find solace in people who are rarely on or don't own a social networking sites, show a deeper understanding and appreciation for life, and have more than a shread of intelligence. All relative and subjective, I realize.

Sometimes I look at these things and can see how people do it or say things for a light hearted fun side or speak for dramatic effect but dont actually takethe topic all that seriously. I know I do. Sometimes I roll my eyes and want to ship myself to a deserted island b/c I find people too selfish, self involved and way too dependent on other people/social media (she said in her blog haha i know). And other times, like now, I genuinely feel sorry for people like this. And it's not the kind of I'm sorry where you're clearing being condescending but I really do feel sorry to these kinds of people. I wonder...what happened to you to make you like this? And why can't you stop?

Long story short, no one's special, everyone's special. Get over it. youuuuuuuuuu....hahahaha

f-a-b-o-lo-us holla back

Fatima: lol
its like...drama...funny random thing...drama...funny random thing
me: hahahaha
you know why that is?
Sent at 12:04 AM on Tuesday
me: my brain is like a robot that someone poured water on with the squiggle lines and steam all around it
man. Ti, you summed me up in 3 words
if someone ever asks me to describe myself in 3 words i will say
"Funny. Random. Drama."
Any wonder i love this girl?

Tomorrow I will change and today won't mean a thing. I'm a bitch

me: people call me sassy sally. is that a nice way of saying i'm bitchy? what's the difference b/w sassy and bitchy?
Justin: sassy is passive aggressive bitchy. the kinda girl who says something bitchy inside a joke. you'd say something like 'she looks great. didn't realize that the hippo look was in but she's workin it!' bitchy is the girl who says something bitchy and adds 'lol' at the end
me: well then arent THEY passive aggresive for tell me i'm bitchy in a passive way?
Justin: ur not bitchy. u are sassy. but more than that... you're neurotic.
me: yeah well your a waste of sperm and egg. lol. hows that for bitchy?

Monday, March 29, 2010

No Matter What the Crisis is...doin' ya thing

The Quarter Life Crisis

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.
You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.
You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

Freedoooooooooom, Freeeeeeeedommmmm

I dont know why but driving along to my interview today I saw this stupid pro life drivers license and it really irritated me. See pic below:

I think people should have the RIGHT to CHOOSE. If you wanna keep the kid do it but if you dont wanna, you dont have to! It's a topic I'm very passionate about so I wont get into it. But I did think of my prochoice license plate:

Saturday, March 20, 2010

The Rainbow Connection

*Names omitted or changed to respect privacy of people involved*

Back home from an engagement party. Two of my girls are getting married and yes, to each other. I know, you're thinking 'oh so it was an enGAYgement party.' To which i say, yes and that's not terribly clever, though accurate.

It was a fun silly night and naturally b/c i'm Sally i made a dummy out of myself in front of people i dont know.

Person:"And this is Forty Spice Hummus."
Me: *leaning in closer to hear* "Did you say Sporty Spice hummus? Like really?"
Person: "Er no. FORTY spice. Not Sporty..."

Oy. And one of the people i met before only once, he was there hosting and when i met HIM i didn't realize people were in the living room when i came into the apt and said very loudly and quite annoyed "OMG Gum is like totally confusing! I've been trying to open the pack since i drove over and can you help me? GUM IS SO CONFUSING and.. oh...hello people i dont know..."


Moving along, while it was a fun night, there was something very serious and very disturbing to me that i didn't think about until they brought it up.

When we were going around the room each giving speeches to the engaged girls, I felt very humbled and disturbed by the two gay men's speech. They both mentioned how proud they were of the girls for doing this and how excited they were to finally have the right to do it and are now taking advantage of it.

Humbled because I'm straight and the right to be married has been around like forever and I never have to think about having the right to do just that whereas with gay marriage it is now slowly starting to be accepted in certain areas of the country.

Disturbed because I didn't realize how many people were anti-gay. Not just here but like all over the world. One of the guys told me that in Uganda, they will literally hang you if you are gay or know someone who is. Um what?!!?!?!?!?! That's crazyness!

I view homosexuality, queerness, transness--any derivatives of it-- the same way as I view race, creed, physical appearance, socioeconomicness...etc. And that is, WHO THE HELL CARES? It's really upsetting to find out that many people do. It's quite disgusting actually.

I know as a straight person I shouldn't be so fired up about this but i am because it's a human right and we're all humans soooooo...what's the problem?

Like my boy Jason Mraz says "It's our God forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved..."

It's like homosexuality is the new racism.

Like can someone help me understand? I sincerely don't get it. If it's a religious reason then im going to roll my eyes at you for thinking that even counts as an argument. I'm proud Christian and the God I believe in tells me that i should love like everyone. I don't and i know i should but it's not because of what they look like, how much money they make or who they sleep with (unless they's sleeping with my mans. Then we's gonna have a problem..) Like seriously though. Dammit, if i'm going to hate you, it's going to be b/c you're a terrible person. Not because you prefer the magic carpet ride over the seesaw or the seesaw over the magic carpet ride. Whatever floats your boat homesicle. Me? I like to ride the seesaw. bahahah ok ok tmi.

But yeah. Like i saw this new VH1 show called "TRANSform Me" which is run by 3 trannies and the girl they were making over from Alabama had this stank look on her face when the girls arrived at her door. I guess she hasn't had much exposure to those kind of people (i know alabama...) but she didn't have to be such a frigid bitch. That's like being mean to someone b/c they're ugly or fat or a certain race--like who the fuck cares?! It's something engrained in them since birth or something they discover. Cool. Now move along. Okay so to her credit at the end when they made her look pretty, she changed her attitude a bit but it was really unnecessary to begin with.

I was also pretty surprised at Oprah when she had Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DeRossi on her show and asked them why they felt the need to get married. I'm like, you never asked a straight couple that question...

Do people think it's airborne and going to kill you?

Like i dont get it and probably never will.

I'm okay with that.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Blah, Blah, Blah

3:29 PM me: I dont much like that ke$sha is making more money than all of us combined.
If she's going to make money singing about jack daniels and no pants, im going to change my name to $ally and sing about being topless and vodka. i'll start my tour in russia.

3:36 PM Fatima: LOL LOL. That and ke$ha isn't really singing
and she's not really rapping
and her voice sounds like she's restrainign it

me: she's pdiddying

Fatima: like she has to to go to the bathroom

me: she did wake up feeling like him

Fatima: no hoke

me: hahah this is true
i wonder what talentless black man i should wake up feeling like
ray jay, i suppose.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Think of your fellow man, Lend him a helping hand...

Or you know...whatever else there is laying around....Read til the end. I promise it's worth it and you'll never guess the ending...

So... My girls came back from myrtle beach and witnessed a crazy car accident. Car was tumbling towards them and EVERYTHING.

Ashley comforted the driver who caused the accident.

Laura was on the side calling 911.

Did i mention that the car that was struck and tumbling towards them a HANDICAP car and the couple in the car were old as dirt and the lady in shot gun was ALREADY wearing a neckbrace?


So that's bad enough. The car landed on the driver's side door and the lady being in shot gun and oh yeah a NECK BRACE is holding on to the ceiling hoping she doesn't slip and crush her husband or whoever the guy driving was.

Rule of thumb, you're not supposed to move car accident people b/c you may further injure them and be held liable unless the car is on fire or something.

The thing of the thing is that home girl's already rockin' a funnel around her neck lookin' like a damn funnel cake and old dude is old and cut up and truthfully, how long could home girl really hold her weight until the EMT arrived?

Right. That said, they group of good citizens who decided to pull over and help decided they needed to break the windshield and help a sister out b/c her arms were gonna go soon.

But what to use? What to use...

Then a man out of no where shows up and busts open the glass with none other than....




Im serious.


A fact. Use it as you wish.

Call if you want but there's no one home

That's probably why when ET phoned home no one picked up and left his ass on earth.

I was out with the blasian family on sunday afternoon when i saw a picture of ET at the restaurant where we were.

Now ok, i would like to heavily emphasis that i only saw ET once a LooooooooOOoooOOong time ago...

Me: How did ET get home? Did he phone? Is that why he kept saying he was going to phone home?
Nigel: YOU DIDNT SEE ET?!!?!!?!?!!?!?
Me: I did!!! Calm down now...
Nigel: And you dont remember how he got home??
Me: NO! I saw it when i was like 8! Give me a break! Did the kid give him a ride home like on the bike?
Nigel: Did the kid bike him...NO!
Me: You know that's not a ridiculous question. The poster clearly shows the kid biking by the moon and ET in the basket. Or was it a tandumbike and did they pedal together to get ET home? It's very green of them you know.
Nigel: NO! How is the kid gonna breathe? And he'd have to pedal like forever.
Me: Oh really? So how did he get home?
Aisha: The SPACESHIP came and got him.
Me: Ohhhhhh of course! The SPACESHIP did. That's logical and my theory that the kid dropped him off at home is ridiuclous...
Nigel: It is! Do you know how far away ET lived?
Me: No, I've never been over to his house before.
Nigel: How would the kid BREATHE?
Me: Excuse me! But why is my logical explanation of the kid biking the alien home ridiculous and the prospect of the flying BIKE is not?!

I swear. I think people underestimate my intelligence...

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Just take a look, it's in a book...

**Dedicated to Tanner who may either die after reading this or will never speak to me again b/c I'm apparently dense as fog. hahah enjoy Tanner!!!**

Right, so i'm going to apologize ahead of time by flat out saying, I have no fucking idea how this conversation started and I recognize the nerdyness of it but seriously, you can't even say anything b/c you know what's said is true.

Based on a true conversation i had with, of course, the ever present and always entertaining little sister of mine. Julie the pilgrim.

Why were talking about books we were forced to read in school, i dont know but we found a way to make it even more understandable than cliffs notes. Please see below

Me: Was that a true story? It was right?
Julie: Oy vey. YES. That's why it's the AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
Me: I was right! Mazle tov! But only kinda since it was a pretty sad story.
Julie: It was very sad. But very boring.
Me: What???
Julie: It WAS.
Me: She was HIDING in an attic from NAZIS! Give her a break. Not much is going to change.
Julie: I know but she could've used better adjectives or told more interestingly.
Me: Maybe the whole COULD BE KILLED BY NAZIS thing was hindering her ability to use more colorful language.
Julie: I didn't say i BLAME her or that her story wasn't sad. I'm just saying that the book was a little long and dry. The moral is that she's a great girl despite the incredibly shitty (to put it lightly) circumstance she was in.
Me: Exactly. Give home girl a break.
Julie: I know. I'm just saying, it should be like the first chapter, ONE middle chapter and then the end chapter. I'm in an attic. It sucks. I still believe in people. Done. Now that's how you tell a story.
Me: You're a putz, you realize this right?

Julie: I LOVE that story.
Me: What was it about again? Some guy who had...great expectations?
Julie: OMG. Yes but there's more to it than that. It's about a guy named Pip who falls in love with this girl
Me: BACK UP THE SOULTRAIN. His name was PIP?? They couldn't think of a sexier name than PIP?
Julie: Look, I didn't name him. ANYWAYS Pip falls in love with this girl but the girl was trained to be a heartbreaker by her bitter aunt.
Me:'s so great about that?
Julie: He had GREAT EXPECTATIONS to fall in love and be with her but her aunt is a psycho.
Me: Psycho how? Wait, is that the story with Miss Havisham and she got jilted at the altar?
Julie: Yup and she never left her house and made all the clocks stay at the time she was jilted or give minutes before and she never changed out of her wedding gown.
Me: WHAT? How long ago was she jilted?
Julie: Like forever ago. Like the aunt is like REALLLLLLLLY OLD.
Me: That's gotta be one funky ass smelling hummin dirty stanky stank dress.
Julie: For real. Anyways Pip falls in love with the niece and the niece loves him too but acts like she dont
Me: She sounds like a trick.
Julie: She wasn't a trick. She just didnt know any better b/c of her smelly aunt.
Me: So do they hook up in the end? Pip and that girl?
Julie: Nope.
Me: What? Why is called great expectations??? It should be called NO expectations.
Julie: Charles Dickens is stupid. I dont know why. Maybe b/c Pip had great expectations
Me: but they weren't met...that's false advertising. Whats the point of the story? dont fall in love? dont have expectations becuase the man or woman of your dreams my have a bitter stanky aunt?
Julie: Pretty much.
Me: So how does it end?
Julie: Pip is like you dont' lvoe me? okay. im going to go now. and then he leaves with the ex-con who gave him all that money.
Me: Er...? Did i miss something?
Julie: I hate Charles Dickens. It's like a 300 pg book and i just told you everything you need to know about it in 3 minutes. He went on about how some wine fell off a cart and it fell into the crevaces of the road and blah blah blah. FIVE PAGES. All he had to say was the wine fell. Next...
Me: ...did you just say crevace?

Me: For whom DOES that bell toll for?
Julie: I dont know. But i saw somewhere in a poem or something that "It tolls for thee"
Me: For me? I dont even KNOW the guy who wrote that
Julie: NO stupid. Thee meaning EVERYONE.
Me: A player must've wrote that. Like he must've been the Drake of his time. "Youda youda beest youda youda best best i ever haaaaaaad best i ever haaad"
Julie: I dont think that's what Edgar Allan Poe meant.
Me: Isn't he a black comedian?
Julie: NO SALLY. That's David Allan Grier.
Me: Right. So the bell tolls for everyone?
Julie: Actually...i think it was a story about soldiers so it tolls for them. I didn't read the book because I dont like war books.
Me: But you like Gone with the Wind.
Julie: That was a movie. That's different.
Me: BASED ON A BOOK like every movie out there pretty much.
Julie: I don't think Soul Plane and Pootietang were ever books and they were movies.
Me: Well played my friend. Well played.

Me: Did you ever have to read that story about the woman who cut her hair and sold it so she could buy a guitar case for her husband and her husband sold his guitar to buy his wife a hair clip and they find out what the other did and it's supposed to be like awww but it's actually kinda fucked up that they BOTH got dicked in the end?
Julie: HAHAHAH Did you just make that story up?
Me: NO! I dont know what the moral is. Don' your signficant other gifts?
Julie: Maybe.
Me: Or...maybe the moral is...put a limit on the gift you're going to get each other? I dont know why they made us read that book.

Julie: I hated the Giver. It had an ugly cover too. I also hated that tuck...forever ever forever ever story.
Me: First of all, this is not Outkast's Miss Jackson. It was NOT Tuck Forever ever forever ever. It was Tuck Everlasting.
Julie: Whatever same thing. That book sucked. Did they ever make you read the story about the cat and the time machine?
Me: HAHAHAHAHHAHA NO! Are you making stories up??
Julie: NO! It's a story about a cat and he has a time machine and he goes places.
Me: Uhhhhhhhhh. I think you need to lay off whatever drug it is you're clearly ingesting.
Julie: I AM NOT.
Me: You want ME to believe that someone wrote a story and Fairfax County asked kids to read a story about a cat with a time machine...
Julie: Actually, I dont think it had a time machine. It just like went places when it felt like it.
Me: So do i. That doesn't make me a cat or a time machine.
Julie: NO! It's a real story. It was was
Me: Time Travel Cat Travel Travel Cat--catchy title....
Julie: I hate you.

Me: What? It was the only quasi interesting one out there. Make something outta nothing.
Julie: Unoriginal. Cinderella did that too.
Me: Um NO. Gatsby is like the original Fitty Cent. Get Rich or Die Trying. He got rich and died later but that's totally unrelated.
Julie: Whats the point of that story?
Me: That anything possible i guess.
Julie: You didn't read it.
Me: I did too! I just dont remember. Gatsby was great b/c he became rich and got the girl he wanted. Okay he died a little afterwards but still. He was great.
Julie: Was he Sally? Was he? You know him like that?
Me: I hate you.

And finally..
Me: Julie, you do realize in this conversation we have basically shat all over american literature.
Julie: Dickens was British.
Me: Whatever...wait, he was?
Julie: YES. ::english accent:: Ch-aw-les Dih-ckens
Me: Just because you say it in a British accent doesn't make it so.
Julie: Whatever. But i dont think we shat all over it. We just broke it down.
Me: We should totally be teachers.
Julie: Seriously. We explain so other understand and make it a LOT shorter. Think of the books that dont need to be published anymore.
Me: GO GREEN! My friend Chase would be proud of that. That kid a half step away from being captain planet. hahah
Julie: Lordie. Anyways, maybe we should be teachers.
Me: I'm down.