Sunday, August 31, 2014


Oh Lord. Why did I just do that? Why?? 

I did it again. I peeked around (didn't sign up) and saw what my prospects were. I know I did this a few months ago and felt the same way now as I did then...which is terrified and hopeless.

It's not the stigma of online dating. I truly don't care about that. It's more like OMG I'm too weird to be doing this mixed with OMG why are they so weird and not in that we can be weird together kind of way. 

I'm making a point to start "putting myself out there" after a six, yes, six year hiatus and I mostly just want to hide under my bed... With a box of cookies.

Despite my burnt out and jaded view of weddings, I decided that I think I do wanna get married. Weddings however... Don't get me started. Ovvvverrrr it. And those past two comments are certainly NOT a dig at anyone bc all the ones I've been to were lovely and everyone is still married happily--and i hope they all continue to be! 

No one is more aware than I am of my short comings and why I'm not perfect. There are somethings I'm willing to compromise on...and others are a dead set no. 

Things I will do for love
- Quit smoking (I wanna do that for me too but it will be easier if I had someone else to do it for too)
- Brush my hair and at least appear to be more lady like (I'm already cringing at the thought of giving up tshirts which I'm not 100% I wanna do but I'll compromise) 
- Lighten up on my workaholic state to make time for a potential interest

I won't do that
- Date a guy from Arlington. Or Maryland. I don't know why but I have such a mental block on that.
- Lower my realistic standards (particularly on attractiveness) just bc society's clock is ticking away for me. I'm not looking for nor want brad Pitt but I have to like the looks at least some what  
- Downplay anything I like or believe in bc someone I like feels differently. 
- Stop wearing chucks

See? I'm fair enough. I'm not asking for gold. Brad Pitt. A rescue story. I want someone I find cute and fun to be with.

But after a solid 45 minutes of combing through... 

I'm back to blogging. And hiding. 

Friday, August 1, 2014

Comfortably Numb

Haven't done this in a while. And maybe I should do more. A majority is bc I don't have the time and partly bc I hate speaking in round about ways but bc of the way social media dictates our life I know I have to be conscientious of what I write.

I am comfortably numb with my feelings for a lot of people. It's nice to finally realize where things truly are. It's not so nice coming to this realization and being scared to seal the deal. In theory letting people fall off and creating distance to allow that to happen is the best thing. The reality is i feel like sometime people deserve to know why they're not longer relevant in your life. It's so arrogant to use those words because no one has the right to tell anyone what they think you're  worth. 

...But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

I've actually been on the you suck and here's why you suck end of things. Long story short someone wrote me 20+Page dissertation   about why I'm a toxic person once. Needless to say, it didn't feel awesome which I think it's why I have a hard time dishing it out to others--bc I know what the hell it feels like.

It's confusing bc I've been going through this lifeless unhappy fog for so long that I can't tell if I truly don't like certain people or if it's just the mad fog making me think they are not worth having around. 

I guess until I figure it out, I'll continue the  comfortably numb path.