Tuesday, May 1, 2012

That's Just the Way It Is

Who fell of the blog every day wagon? This girl right here. OH WELL.

Moving along, friendships have been on my mind today. I didn't wake up thinking about it. More like, I was talking to someone today who's going through a rough patch with 2 of her friends and each of the 2 friends want to have 'a talk' with her. Yikes. Talk about sentences in your life you can do with out--"We need to talk" definitely tops the list. In theory, it's good. It lets people vent and actually say to the person's face what they feel. Good. People at the end of the conversation then feel better in the moment but then when you actually think about it, it's not really that great and it's almost like now there are more boundaries and confusion than when the conversation started. Bad.

But like everything in life, it depends on each situation.

Anyways, it reminded me of a falling out I had with 2 friends of mine and I was the odd girl out. I woke up to a 16 page email about how the girl thought I was a terrible and to quote her "toxic" and "fake" person. Since this was the first thing I got in the morning on little sleep after I had a huge falling out with someone I was interested at the time (who also happened to be my coworker..yayyyyy), it was too much for me to handle and I burst into tears. Looking back, I wish I never wasted one tear on the situation. Luckily by the time I got a 10 page email followup, I didn't cry. I rolled my eyes. I agreed to meet this person for coffee to 'air things out' and I thought we came to an understanding after the conversation. We didn't. The other girl in the situation happened to be sisters with the girl who sent said emails and we also had 'a talk.' I'll spare you the drama, we're not friends anymore. And I couldn't be happier. And not even in that bitchy "look at me now bitches" way but in a, it really wasn't meant to be sort of way. [and side note: the coworker i had a falling out with? closer than ever now vs the two girls i swore were like extra sisters. I used to use the sisters phrase generously with close friends but now i really only mean it about one. She knows who she is. And if she doesn''s YOU ASHLEY.]

It's weird because people always told me that your friend list will dwindle the older you get. I laughed b/c I was like uhh hello, i'm not Sally Socialite b/c i don't have the social skills to make and keep a relationship. My reputation is built on knowing lots of people and being nice/genuine to them.

But dammit all, these "people" ended up being right. I'm barely living up to my socialite name. I still chat with people old and new with ease but I'm MUUUUUUUUUUUUCH more choosy about doing it.

My one year at work is coming up tomorrow and instead of thinking about my achievements ::brushes shoulder's off:: I'm thinking about a girl I previously blogged about ( who I was supposed to meet up with and never did. Maybe I should've given that friendship more of a chance? I dont know. Now she's passed away and while it doesn't often bother me, it is lately. I know somethings wrong b/c anyone who knows me (or reads this blog) knows that I'm not one who's shy with talking things on loop or crying but I can't do it with this sitch. I'm not in denial...and yet I can't seem to come to terms that she passed away.

It's all like really weird. There's another friend I was super close with in college and even stayed with me over the summer last year and I really haven't her from her since. In fairness, I haven't reached out to her either. I'm actually annoyed by it all but haven't done anything about it either so how annoyed can I really be?

Then there are some more "A list" friends that I know are there because they were SOOOOOO good to me before but now I'm like why are they in my "A list"? Again, not meaning that in a bitchy way. Both people and situations with each person are so differnt but it seems my..'issue' for lack of better word is the same. They seem really self involved and have this new found 'self empowerment' which I normally am very supportive of and gravitate towards but something's not right. And do i say anyhting? Nope. Partly because I know I'm not perfect and partly because as I said earlier, 'having talks' sometimes just makes things worse but mostly because, I'm not sure I care if it does. Sounds callous but that's just the way it is. I dont see why I should have to make them realize they need to think about how they're coming off to me or the quality of their friendship, when I have quality friends who I may not talk to or see as often but show me it time and time again. One year is going through a rough patch with a friend but 3 years of questioning my friendships with them? A bit much. I can't be fake so I've steadily ignored and avoided calls and calling them because what's there to say? Still, as much as I hate to admit it, i do have love for said people so I guess I'll continue to play it by ear...

Let's end on a bright note, to those friends I dont reach out to enough or see as often as I should but have remained true, even if we're not very close, I feel really lucky to have you in my life and sorry to all for being that emolicious blog we all make fun of.

And normally I have a poignant and thoughtful quote or song to close it all out with but all i can think about is that damn Tupac song that i dont even like and he's not even rapping/singing the lyric but, here it is:
That's just the way it is//things will never be the same//that's just way it is...oh yeah.