Thursday, April 28, 2011

How to Save a Life

Okay so.. here's the rundown.

A friend of mine passed and I've been struggling since I found out yesterday. What do i do best to cope with stress? I chain smoke and write. It's not healthy but it helps me.

I was friends with this girl, who i met in 5th grade. We hung out together a lot, esp b/c we lived in the same neighborhood. Even when she moved away, we still hung out whenever our parents could find time to drive us. Then, as a lot of childhood friendships go, we just lost touch. No big fight. No fuck yous. Simple we just lost touch kinda thing.

She facebooked me last year. I was really surprised. I hadn't seen or heard her name in YEARS. I think the last time i actually saw her in person was in middle school and I think I talked to her once in high school...maybe college. She had a pretty rough life from what I remember and seems that it only got rougher as time went on. We were pretty different from each other. At the time, i was super shy and really quiet (obviously a far cry from me today) and a really good girl. She was bold, rebellious, spoke her mind and lived like there were no consequences in life. Sometimes I was glad i wasn't like that. Other times, I was envious of her ability to just not give a damn and speak her mind. I'm not quite sure how our friendship came about or worked but it did.

Her initial message to me was very eager and hopeful--is this really you Sally? I really hope so. And with some hesitation I wrote her back. I hesitated because in my mind, I thought, if she was still up to the same thing she was doing in high school (which really was a snowball effect form what she was getting into in elementary school) when we had briefly caught up on the phone...I wasn't sure this would be a good thing. I know me--I give people chances even though I say I dont. I wasn't sure I wanted to get caught up in her world, whatever it was like. But then i thought, no, maybe she changed. So I wrote back and let her know she had gotten the right Sally and asked how things were going. She insisted I call her instead of these back and forth facebook messages. I told her sure but at the time I had a friend staying with me so I wasn't sure I'd have time to call that week. She must've taken it the wrong way b/c then she sends me a message saying that if i didn't wanna talk to her, she understands and that her mom had passed after we spoke in high school and i had moved so she didn't know how to get in touch with me. She missed me and during that time she only wanted to talk to me but couldn't get a hold of me. She wanted to catch up but understood if i didn't want to...Immediately, I felt like an asshole and wrote back that I would call her and I did once my house guest had left.

I thought it might be awkward but it actually wasn't. She developed a strong southern accent and told me that life had gotten rough for her. In and out of jail and rehab, trouble with drugs, trouble with people in general. She talked about her mom passing and how hard it was for her. And how it was even harder to find me, which made me laugh. I do keep a low profile online. No twitters, myspaces and what not. Just a facebook and good old blogs. Anyways, she told me how much she missed me and thought of me and how was i? I told her I was doing well. I had called her during a lunch break at my job. She asked what I did for a living and when I told her, she was very impressed. As I told her, she really shouldn't be impressed. It was a bullshit job for an even more of a bullshit company but I digress. Then she asked if I graduated college and did i get a scholarship? With hesitation, I muttered a yes and changed the topic. I know i shouldn't down play my education but I certainly didn't wanna seem like i was rubbing it in.

She laughed and said "Yeah i thought you would. You were always a good girl...I bet you partied hard too though didn't you?" It made me laugh and still does. I dont know how she knew but she was right on. Yup. Still a good girl who has a partying side but that I've cut back on it a lot. Then she talked about how her partying side was subsiding as well. I figured, eh we're at that age. She was like well that and I'm trying to stay sober now and somehow I figured she wasn't just talking about alcohol. She didn't wanna get into it so i didn't push. She let me know that she got caught up in some bad shit and busted a few times for various reasons--she alluded to fights and drugs-- and that she had decided to change. No more drugs. No more drama. No more. She wanted to go back to school to maybe even be a counselor to help others like her. I was really proud of her and told her so. I told her I would help her find a job and thought she was awesome for what she wanted to do. She sounded proud of herself too. I encouraged her to really go for it b/c she's smart, nice and keeps it real. She sounded bashful but thanked me.

Then we talked about meeting up in person sometime when I wasn't working. She said she didn't have a job b/c of her record and no license. I dont know why but my brain went uhhhhhhhhhhh this may not be a good move Sally. If you pick her up and she says that people are after her b/c she's out of the drug ring...that could be a bad situation, especially if we met for a drink. She wasn't sure of a nearby coffee place b/c she said she just moved back to the NOVA area recently but maybe hang out at her place? I was like umm yeah. I didn't know waht my work schedule was like (even though I as 9-6 it hardly worked out that way). I told her we could aim for 4th of July weekend and I'd call her later to discuss details, where she lived etc.

Only I never did. Part of me was scared she would call me b/'s not that i didn't wanna see her. I actually really did. I was more so nervous about her surroundings and the people she associated with (particularly the ones that didn't like her). Then I legitly got caught up in a shitstorm known as work and let it fall to the wayside.

I've since switched jobs and as I have some time off and now that it's been a while I thought, what the hell. I wanna see her and I'm over being guessing/judgmental Sally. Now i just wanna see my friend and see how she's doing. I went through my phone and couldn't find her number. Weird! I swore I saved it.

So i did what any one would do nowadays. I went to facebook to send her a message. Her page pulled up and the first thing I see is RIP... I was like huh? Then i saw the other messages. I was like no, they can't be talking ABOUT her. it must be someone she knows or maybe she had a miscarriage. who knows! So i started going through the comments on her page. No...she definitely died. I started shaking badly. How could i not? I was ready to have coffee and chill with her and can't...because she's passed away. WTF??? And as I'm reading i have no clue how it happened. Car accident? I read more that wasn't it. I got frustrated and jumped to google.

Whats one of the first things I see? An article about her. I was like ok...and clicked on the link. The story was about how her home was invaded by the police for heroin possession, trafficking, use, multiple firearms and an undisclosed amount of money. Um...WHAT? That article was in October and if you remember from earlier, I talked ot her in late June. WTF???

My sorrows for her went to the wayside and my first thought was, You fucking lied to me. AGAIN. Fucking lied. You're better than this and you lied and said you were getting help. That you wanted to change. That you wanted better for yourself. Obviously you didn't.

Then i froze.

I'm getting mad at someone who's life was ended too short and that I didn't know the whole story from. Maybe she was better. Maybe someone put that stuff in her house. And most of all, who the FUCK am i to judge someone? How DARE i?

I felt sick for thinking the mean and angry thoughts that I did. And then i felt awful. Way to be judgmental! And in true Sally fashion, I cried. Not for a long time, and not uncontrollably but I was truly upset and sad for her.

I read the messages over and over again on her wall. I had a strong suspicion she over dosed or killed herself.

I frantically messaged people who wrote on her wall in hopes to get some information and to find out where she was laid to rest.

I got a response not too long ago--she died of an overdose (heroin i would assume) and was cremated.


I'm stuck now in this horrible place. I'm FURIOUS with her for being so fucking stupid as to doing HEROIN and not taking the help that was right in front of her face. And for telling me that she wished she had more Sallys in her life so she wouldn't be where she is. I'm not an angel but I do have some common sense and self worth. And wheen we did talk, I did consider coming back into her life full force to keep her away from the drugs, introduce her to some sober and fun people, get her a job, encourage her through the rough times to push through. But then i thought, fuck it. Im sick of playing the role of the guardian angel for people who need guidance.

Then I'm FURIOUS with me for sounding like a heartless bitchface. Then I'm upset for not getting the chance to have seen her when she asked. And I'm upset that she didn't get a chance to fight through. She didn't want to die. She just did. And that's fucking terrible. All my crazy opinions and feelings aside, it's fucking fucking fucking terrible. She deserved SO much better.

Then the few people I have told about this..I'm confused by their reactions. 2 were really great. Everyone else seems great initially but then i feel like im being fed cliches and i know for damn sure im worth more than a fucking cliche. And some are so apathetic and I'm annoyed. Look just b/c im not bawling doesnt mean im not going through a rough fucking time. And then when people say their sorry i bristle and am like, i'm fine. why wouldn't i be?

I dont know. I dont know how to feel.

I put a little shoutout song to her as "How To Save a Life" on Facebook. I know she would've strongly preferred "One Sweet Day." She loved Mariah Carey. She loved that song. I know she would've preferred that song but the way I feel now i feel like "How To Save a Life" is more appropriate.

Where did I go wrong
I lost a friend
Some where along in the bitterness
But I would've stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life...

Amen, The Fray. A-frickin-men.

Not sure how or why I felt the need to share this private happening to the public but i did. Im confused and yeah...