Sunday, January 31, 2010

Milky Milky Riiiiiighhhhht

Once upon a time there was a great debate about what came first, the chicken or the egg. Some say the chicken, some say the egg--which is like thanks Captain Obvious since those are the only two choices. (don't judge me!) And it's like why were people debating about this in the first place?? My guess is that this debate started hundreds of years ago like way before the internet and technology during times when people thought that playing with a hoop and a stick was the shit and stuff, by some totally bored farmers. (who obviously didn't have a hoop nor stick)

I introduce to you now, the modern equivalent to the the chicken vs. egg argument by two totally bored sisters without a viable excuse for this heated argument.


Julie: I hated those stupid milk pouches. Worst invention ever.
Me: Agreed. Those were harder to get into than Ft. Knox.
Julie: IIIIIIIIII knoooooooooooow. Why did they change to those anyways??
Me: I don't know. I think it was for budget reasons but I'm not 100% sure...but that's a stupid excuse because seriously, I remember they made us watch an instructional video about how to open the milk pouches and I'm sure it took money to make that video...
Julie: Oh yeahhh. I remember the video. Yeah. If you have to make a video to teach people how to drink milk, that's too much work already. And you're right it did cost money to make that video. And I bet they ended up having to use ever MORE money on napkins b/c every day in the cafeteria they're be one person or another that had a milk pouch incident...
Me: I know! Half the kids would come back from class soaked in milk from failure to punch the straw through and the other half would be dehydrated because the straws didn't even make a dent.
Julie: And the teachers would get so mean if you needed help punching the straw through or b/c you had to ask for more napkins b/c it exploded because they only give you one flimsy napkin in that little utensil pack--you know, it had a fork, a spoon...
Me: And a spork and no one really know what to do with those. Sporks are so awkward...
Julie: They are. And teachers would also get mad if you asked for another straw because you dented the original one for trying to punch it through.
Me: Well it's not the straw's fault for being dented. It was the stupid pouches' fault for being made of bulletproof plastic...
Julie: It was NOT the pouches' fault. It was the STRAW's fault. What kind of straw isn't pointy enough to poke through plastic. It was a plastic bag. Not a metal one...
Me: Don't blame straws! It's supposed to be sharp enough to make it through plastic--not sharp enough so that it was a straw slash bayonette...
Julie: Don't blame the milk pouch! It didn't ASK to be brought into the world. It just was and if the straw cant accept the consequences...and besides, it had to be sturdy plastic or delivery would be a nightmare.
Me: Right because milk pouches are often packed with bubblewrap and nails...
Julie: Oh puh-lease. What if there was a really big speed bump?
Me: Why are we having this fight? Mom packed out lunches and we had juice boxes or sunny d...
Julie: True....but sometimes capri suns....which ALSO had bad straws...
Me: Whatever more like user malfunction... The straws were fine, the little foil circle was the one at fault.
Julie: Whatever! It's like the milk pouch thing all over.
Me: I'm over this conversation. I'm lactose anyways.

P-P-P-Poker Face P-P-P-Poker Faccce

So I've explained my thoughts on relationships being like football. Now? Poker.

I may not be good at about 99% of things in the world but I think I have a mean poker face, which is totally a double edged sword. (which btw, do they exist??) Anyways, it's great because a guy will never be able to tell what I'm really thinking. But it's awful because sometimes (okay most times) I won't say it but want them to know. How much of an ultimate girl thing is that? It's like this episode of Home Improvement where Tim holds up a man's stop sign which is your typical stop sign. You know, red and says "STOP" and then a woman's stop sign is also red but instead of "STOP" it says "If you really knew me you should know what I want you to do." hahah amen...

Anyways, back to the original point. So basically, it's like this. You sniff out a few rounds and if it seems like you'll win the pot at the end, you'll stick around. You'll play your moves carefully and sometimes bluff if you need to. But here's the thing. The longer you play, the more you have to risk to lose. Some people play multiple tournaments at once and others stick with one game. Pros and cons are pretty obvious, the big one of multiple tournaments is that you have better odds of winning but you can't focus enough on one game to really know. Sticking with one game means it has your full attention but you have more to lose because you put it all in that one pot. You could win big or bust.

Stakes keep getting higher and the easy answer is to walk away. But do we ever? Noooooo. In fairness we do walk away at some point and when your friends run intervention and wanna throw your ass in Gamblers Annonymous is generally a good sign that you need help and you need to stop playing.

You'll try to justify to them that it's your money, your choice, you can do whatever you want. You'll tell them that they don't understand. You'll tell them that you understand that it's just poker and you can walk away at any time and you will when the time is right. But the right time for some never rolls around because of x,y,z.

How long is too long to be playing at a table and why do we justify our wins as a reason to keep playing when it's really the losses that we're addicted to?

-End Carrie Bradshaw moment-

Thursday, January 28, 2010

I'm Not Okaaaaaayyyyy

Actually I am. Hahah minus this joblessness thing. It's a friggin pain in the butt however goodvibes are out there that something will give.

The reason for the title of the blog is b/c of a convo I had with my sister. I'm not okay with her. She's a dork (shock haha) but i love her to death!

I was telling her about a saved by the bell themed party a friend of mine is having and how i have no idea how to dress for this.

Me: I don't know what to wear to a saved by the bell party i'm going to. I guess i could just go as something from the 80s. but..saved by the bell is early 90s...
Julie: Which character are you going to go as? Lisa?
Me: No, I don't think people will believe that I'm a rich black girl when I'm a poor asian one.
Julie: Racist.
Me: What?! I am not. I'm so far from racist that I'm not entertaining that notion.
Julie: I bet you wouldn't have made that comment if I asked if you were going as Jesse or Kelly.
Me: You're an ass.
Julie: Whatever, granddragon.
Me: Whatever. Anyways, who should I go as?
Julie: Go as Kelly. Jesse's too tall for you shorty.
Me: Whatever. I guess. But what would I wear?
Julie: Cheerleader outfit. Duh.
Me: I guess I could borrow one from Ash or Aida or someone...except I don't think people would be convinced by a girl in a Woodson cheer outfit when they clearly went to bayside...
Julie: Get some construction paper and tape and call it a day.
Me: Right and heaven forbid I stretch or bend and we all hear RIIIIIIIIP. Not cute. Next.
Julie: How about some white shorts and a green collared shirt. Go as Stacy Karosi.
Me: I could but it's in Feb...and i feel like a fatty...and DONT TELL ME TO GO AS MR. TUTTLE.
Julie: You said it, not me. sheesh...Go as Kelly and just wear something short and with keds. Or you could be Kelly with the maroon face when she used that zit cream.
Me: So basically you want me to get there first, slam some drinks down superfast, get an Asian glow and be like "Yeeahhhhhhguyssssss im frigging...i'm friggin KELLY yo from when her face turned marrrrroooooon and..." *passout* no thanks. Next!
Julie: Go as a locker.
Me: NO! What if some perv asks if he can go in and out of me??
Julie: GROSS. Tell them they dont have the right combination. You don't just don't open your locker to anyone. You dont know where their books have been! AND if you DID let them put their "Books" in, i have two words for you. BOOK. BAG.
Me: HAHAHAHHA ok i dont like where this convo is going.
Julie: I don't like where it started.
Julie: Get your old apron from HT out and be a waitress from the max.
Me: No.
Julie: At this rate you're going to end up as screech.
Me: No. my hair could never hold a curl that long and im not skinny enough to be screech. unless i loaded up on drugs.
Julie: There's no hope with dope! (and i guess the curly hair thing takes lisa, jesse, screech and slater out of the running...)
Me: I dont think weed makes you lose weight so you're safe. If i smoked weed and got the munchies, I'd be 60000000000 lbs. and when people see me at the party, they're going to think they showed up at the wrong place. "Is that Hurley from Lost? I thought this was a saved by the bell party..."
Julie: Nerd. In fact you're such a nerd you should go as Violet Bickerstaff.
Me: Maybe. I could pull off the nerd thing im sure. I just need big glasses. But i might just look like an asian nerd and peoplestill won't know who i am...damn their caucasian cast!
Julie: Lisa's not caucasion. How convenient that you forgot her. Racist.
Julie: I'd say that too...if i was a closet racist....
Me: MOVING ON...Maybe i'll go as the mascot...Tiger!
Julie: You're going as an adulterous golf player? that's not evn relevant.
Julie: OHHHH tiger. yeah. i guess you could...
Me: i'm gonna be mr. tuttle...or that asian girl that walks through the halls with an oversized smiley face shirt...i hate her...
Julie: You hate her cuz she's not white. RACIST.
Me: Why would i be racist against her b/c she's not white?? In case you didn't notice, I"M NOT WHITE.
Julie: Actually...maybe mom didn't tell you's not your dad....
Me: WHATEVER. I'm so over this conversation.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Why You Wanna Give Me A Runaround...

Is it a sure fire way to speed things up? When all it does is slooooooooow me down.

Man. I shouldn't sleepy blog. That last one of mine was cranky Sally and no one needs that.

Next up?

Relationships. Shocker, right?

It's still on my brain. Not just mine but relationships in general. I just got back from The Continental in Arlington which is a pretty cool place with good music. Caught up with two friends from college I hadn't seen in literally a year so it was awesome seeing them. And of course, relationships were talked about. One of of my friend's is male, the other female and ironically enough used to date each other. We talked a fair bit about relationships and I've come to this conclusion. You can sit and scratch your head and try to figure out guys/girls all you want but it's completely fruitless because circumstances are never the same, people's experiences etc.

But do we ever abide by that? NooooooOOoooOo. We still sit around and try to figure out what that other person is up to, thinking, mean when they say/do _____ and even try to analyze what the mean when they DONT say/do ________.

This is not helpful on my quest for love. Gahhhhhhhhh!

But it's not a set back either.

We'll see...

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Can You Hear Me? I'm Talking to You...

Disclaimer: If you think this blog is about you then it probably is. Don't bother approaching me with "was that about me?" because i will smile sweetly and repeat what I just wrote. If you think it's about you, then it probably is.

So here we go.

There are 5 types of friends that I've gots to get rid of or call 'em out on.

1.) Every story goes back to me
Ex: [after interrupting me] Yeah that reminds me of when ______ and ______ did ____ and I _______! [Continue relevant and not relevant asinine 15 minute story here].
No matter what the topic, you start to say something and suddenly they're yappin' about it. Even when you cut them off to try to tell your story, they somehow bring it back to them.
Ex: Me: (after having to cut person off in their story b/c they still didn't hear all of the initial one) "Yeah so it's really frustrating. Especially since I've know her forever--" Friend A: "I know! B/c that's just like when ____ blah blah blah"

2.) I'm so positive and you're not. Even when you're positive you're not.
Ex: Me: ...and so i'm not actually stressed! Friend A: It's not that Sally. Don't stress, no worries. (Uh...didn't i just say that i wasn't stressed? hahah i guess not??)

3.) I am so popular/pretty/skinny/successful/fill in self glorifying adj here...but I'm so humble
Ex: Everyone always tells me i'm so ________ but of course i'm like "aww, thanks!" or "i get people telling me that all the time and it's true but you know me, i never let it get to my head which speaks to my character because it happens all the time, like i can't even walk down the street without someone trying to tell me how ______ i am. But you know me, humble!"

4.) I never get hurt in a relationship (self explanatory)

5.) I'm the expert on everything ever. (self explanatory)

6.) You've got 15 seconds before i make this conversation about me. So much so, that i talk to you every week and can't list 5 current things in your life. (self explanatory)

Hahaha it's probably like, "Sally! Who ARE you friends with??"

The sad part is that the ones I'm talking about are the ones that are the offenders!!! LOLOLOLOL

I figure it takes many to make the world go 'round and quite frankly, i dont know this about people until i'm already friends with them! You start out with surface niceness, move to acquaintancees, become friends and suddenly, they turn into Godzilla.

I don't want to see it as me sucking at chosing friends. I don't want to see it as passive aggressive either. I know like 90% of the world thinks I'm text book definition of passive aggressive but I swear I'm not. As one of my good friends told me off hand tonight "Sally, you don't give up on people that 99% of us in the world would be like Peace! kick rocks! Which is good and bad. It's bad because Sally, THEYRE NOT WORTH THE BULLSHIT but you put up with it and bitch about it and geet stressed thinking about it when THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT to begin with. But it's good b/c you're always giving people the benefit of the doubt and you always hope it's a phase...and I'mma be real. 9 outta 10 ends up not being 'just a phase' but you still put up with it..."

Hahah that's the problem exactly. I hope people are going through phases so i dont bring it up...but there are 3 or 4 of my besties that i've been waiting for them to get over this "phase" but they haven't...LOL hmph.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Smells Like Team Spirit

I think relationships and football have taken over my brain. The most girly thing to talk about that guys will participate in from time to time as they are obligated to do so and vice verse. While watching the glorious game of Colts vs. Ravens (glory being that Peyton brought it home per usual and I’d like to go on the record of saying that they will win the super bowl—yes I’m a die hard ‘Skins fan but Colts are number two to me b/c I have a fabulous Manning dress hahah), I couldn’t help but think how much relationships were like football or should be. Or maybe “the game” of relationships, fucking—whatever it.

Take a walk with me into Sally’s brain.

Let’s start with teams. Teams = Friends. Easy enough.

-The QB, is you baby! If you’re a good QB, you tend to be a bit on the cocky side and there are going to be plenty of haters. Conversely, if you suck, everyone will let you know about it and over see any “good plays” you’ve done.

- Your coach is whoever you go to for all your advice, may it be a best friend, sibling etc. And of course there are the players, who are essentially your friends.

-The offense is the group of savvy friends that you have that help you move forward toward your goal, whatever it may be (and if sex is your goal then the term “endzone” is all kinds of appropriate), while protecting you. Sometimes they do/tell/give you the wrong advice and yes, you will get sacked by the other “team.” And your offensive coordinator is whoever you’re closest to in that group of friends.

-And of course there’s the defense. That’s the group of feisty and equally savvy friends who try to stop the “other team” from getting at you first. If your targeted girl or boy is trying to run their game on you, the defense will do everything in their power to stop you. You always hope for an “interception” where the other team thought they were doing so well but then they “drop the ball” and now the ball (aka power) is back in your hands. Again, defensive coordinator is whoever you’re closest to.

-Can’t forget about Special Teams. Those are the select few that you don’t need too many of but when your offense and defense have done all they can, it’s totally up to them to help a player out! Sometimes they can help you win a “game”, sometimes they’re the very reason why you lose and sometimes they don’t really contribute much to the game one way or another. They just be special like that.

-And of course, there’s the draft—if one of your players (aka friends on your “team”) just aren’t helpin’ you out like you need them to, it’s time to draft a new one.

-The owner of your team is God. As mad as you can get with him, you can’t really say/do too much out of line if you still want to be around.

-The general managers and front office are your parents. You hope that they set you up well in terms of basic values and beliefs but once everything is in place, you really just want them to back the fuck up and trust you. They ultimately want you to do well any how because it will reflect on them.

-Week by week you go through a different person (aka team) and sometimes it will be the same person in a season. Then you narrow it down hoping to get more wins than losses and suddenly you’re at the championship known as the Super Bowl. Depending on your goal that could be a relationship or a marriage or just a really good fuck—like the ultimate fuck.

-Oh, I almost forgot, there are penalties. No one likes a “False Start” (aka leading someone on to think the wrong thing), “personal fouls” are not acceptable, “encroachment” is when the defense is coming after you, and you didn’t even do shit yet!, “holding” (and really, in relationship terms it should be known as WITHholding as in withholding important info), “intentional grounding” (aka when a QB does something irrational out of desperation), “pass interference”—the examples go on and on!

-So who are the refs? The refs are generally outsiders. Outsiders can be friends that are NOT on the team or acquaintances or total strangers—basically anyone who you bitch to about your relationship circumstance and they shake their head and say “That was wrong of him/her. That was totally his/her fault!” or if they give you that “ehhhh” look and sound meaning that they agree with the other “team.” Sometimes the refs in groups will be so split, they’ll have to do a “booth review.” And if mutual friends act as refs, either team can ask to challenge something.

-Cheerleaders are the friends that aren’t out on the field with you and generally don’t know too much about what’s going on but they want you to do well and always have a kind word or a word of support. Whether they mean it or not is something totally different, but as your friend, they are obligated to say so. And fraternizing is definitely frowned upon but I wont get into friends with benefits here.

Well players and playerettes, that’s my f-ball comparison, hope you enjoyed it! I could go on and on about all the other examples I thought of but I think you get the gist.

PS Now that I think about this football example, it’s very similar to my team and my relationship life. Skins did okay last year but this year it seems like they didn’t even bother to try. Neither did I. Maybe if I make more of an effort or do well this year, their season won’t suck. (Shout out to my former cutest skins Suisham and Zorn. Yeah I said it. I thought Zorn was kinda cute and don’t pull the horny for zorny line. Cliché!)