Smells Like Team Spirit

I think relationships and football have taken over my brain. The most girly thing to talk about that guys will participate in from time to time as they are obligated to do so and vice verse. While watching the glorious game of Colts vs. Ravens (glory being that Peyton brought it home per usual and I’d like to go on the record of saying that they will win the super bowl—yes I’m a die hard ‘Skins fan but Colts are number two to me b/c I have a fabulous Manning dress hahah), I couldn’t help but think how much relationships were like football or should be. Or maybe “the game” of relationships, fucking—whatever it.

Take a walk with me into Sally’s brain.

Let’s start with teams. Teams = Friends. Easy enough.

-The QB, is you baby! If you’re a good QB, you tend to be a bit on the cocky side and there are going to be plenty of haters. Conversely, if you suck, everyone will let you know about it and over see any “good plays” you’ve done.

- Your coach is whoever you go to for all your advice, may it be a best friend, sibling etc. And of course there are the players, who are essentially your friends.

-The offense is the group of savvy friends that you have that help you move forward toward your goal, whatever it may be (and if sex is your goal then the term “endzone” is all kinds of appropriate), while protecting you. Sometimes they do/tell/give you the wrong advice and yes, you will get sacked by the other “team.” And your offensive coordinator is whoever you’re closest to in that group of friends.

-And of course there’s the defense. That’s the group of feisty and equally savvy friends who try to stop the “other team” from getting at you first. If your targeted girl or boy is trying to run their game on you, the defense will do everything in their power to stop you. You always hope for an “interception” where the other team thought they were doing so well but then they “drop the ball” and now the ball (aka power) is back in your hands. Again, defensive coordinator is whoever you’re closest to.

-Can’t forget about Special Teams. Those are the select few that you don’t need too many of but when your offense and defense have done all they can, it’s totally up to them to help a player out! Sometimes they can help you win a “game”, sometimes they’re the very reason why you lose and sometimes they don’t really contribute much to the game one way or another. They just be special like that.

-And of course, there’s the draft—if one of your players (aka friends on your “team”) just aren’t helpin’ you out like you need them to, it’s time to draft a new one.

-The owner of your team is God. As mad as you can get with him, you can’t really say/do too much out of line if you still want to be around.

-The general managers and front office are your parents. You hope that they set you up well in terms of basic values and beliefs but once everything is in place, you really just want them to back the fuck up and trust you. They ultimately want you to do well any how because it will reflect on them.

-Week by week you go through a different person (aka team) and sometimes it will be the same person in a season. Then you narrow it down hoping to get more wins than losses and suddenly you’re at the championship known as the Super Bowl. Depending on your goal that could be a relationship or a marriage or just a really good fuck—like the ultimate fuck.

-Oh, I almost forgot, there are penalties. No one likes a “False Start” (aka leading someone on to think the wrong thing), “personal fouls” are not acceptable, “encroachment” is when the defense is coming after you, and you didn’t even do shit yet!, “holding” (and really, in relationship terms it should be known as WITHholding as in withholding important info), “intentional grounding” (aka when a QB does something irrational out of desperation), “pass interference”—the examples go on and on!

-So who are the refs? The refs are generally outsiders. Outsiders can be friends that are NOT on the team or acquaintances or total strangers—basically anyone who you bitch to about your relationship circumstance and they shake their head and say “That was wrong of him/her. That was totally his/her fault!” or if they give you that “ehhhh” look and sound meaning that they agree with the other “team.” Sometimes the refs in groups will be so split, they’ll have to do a “booth review.” And if mutual friends act as refs, either team can ask to challenge something.

-Cheerleaders are the friends that aren’t out on the field with you and generally don’t know too much about what’s going on but they want you to do well and always have a kind word or a word of support. Whether they mean it or not is something totally different, but as your friend, they are obligated to say so. And fraternizing is definitely frowned upon but I wont get into friends with benefits here.

Well players and playerettes, that’s my f-ball comparison, hope you enjoyed it! I could go on and on about all the other examples I thought of but I think you get the gist.

PS Now that I think about this football example, it’s very similar to my team and my relationship life. Skins did okay last year but this year it seems like they didn’t even bother to try. Neither did I. Maybe if I make more of an effort or do well this year, their season won’t suck. (Shout out to my former cutest skins Suisham and Zorn. Yeah I said it. I thought Zorn was kinda cute and don’t pull the horny for zorny line. Cliché!)