Thursday, April 28, 2011

How to Save a Life

Okay so.. here's the rundown.

A friend of mine passed and I've been struggling since I found out yesterday. What do i do best to cope with stress? I chain smoke and write. It's not healthy but it helps me.

I was friends with this girl, who i met in 5th grade. We hung out together a lot, esp b/c we lived in the same neighborhood. Even when she moved away, we still hung out whenever our parents could find time to drive us. Then, as a lot of childhood friendships go, we just lost touch. No big fight. No fuck yous. Simple we just lost touch kinda thing.

She facebooked me last year. I was really surprised. I hadn't seen or heard her name in YEARS. I think the last time i actually saw her in person was in middle school and I think I talked to her once in high school...maybe college. She had a pretty rough life from what I remember and seems that it only got rougher as time went on. We were pretty different from each other. At the time, i was super shy and really quiet (obviously a far cry from me today) and a really good girl. She was bold, rebellious, spoke her mind and lived like there were no consequences in life. Sometimes I was glad i wasn't like that. Other times, I was envious of her ability to just not give a damn and speak her mind. I'm not quite sure how our friendship came about or worked but it did.

Her initial message to me was very eager and hopeful--is this really you Sally? I really hope so. And with some hesitation I wrote her back. I hesitated because in my mind, I thought, if she was still up to the same thing she was doing in high school (which really was a snowball effect form what she was getting into in elementary school) when we had briefly caught up on the phone...I wasn't sure this would be a good thing. I know me--I give people chances even though I say I dont. I wasn't sure I wanted to get caught up in her world, whatever it was like. But then i thought, no, maybe she changed. So I wrote back and let her know she had gotten the right Sally and asked how things were going. She insisted I call her instead of these back and forth facebook messages. I told her sure but at the time I had a friend staying with me so I wasn't sure I'd have time to call that week. She must've taken it the wrong way b/c then she sends me a message saying that if i didn't wanna talk to her, she understands and that her mom had passed after we spoke in high school and i had moved so she didn't know how to get in touch with me. She missed me and during that time she only wanted to talk to me but couldn't get a hold of me. She wanted to catch up but understood if i didn't want to...Immediately, I felt like an asshole and wrote back that I would call her and I did once my house guest had left.

I thought it might be awkward but it actually wasn't. She developed a strong southern accent and told me that life had gotten rough for her. In and out of jail and rehab, trouble with drugs, trouble with people in general. She talked about her mom passing and how hard it was for her. And how it was even harder to find me, which made me laugh. I do keep a low profile online. No twitters, myspaces and what not. Just a facebook and good old blogs. Anyways, she told me how much she missed me and thought of me and how was i? I told her I was doing well. I had called her during a lunch break at my job. She asked what I did for a living and when I told her, she was very impressed. As I told her, she really shouldn't be impressed. It was a bullshit job for an even more of a bullshit company but I digress. Then she asked if I graduated college and did i get a scholarship? With hesitation, I muttered a yes and changed the topic. I know i shouldn't down play my education but I certainly didn't wanna seem like i was rubbing it in.

She laughed and said "Yeah i thought you would. You were always a good girl...I bet you partied hard too though didn't you?" It made me laugh and still does. I dont know how she knew but she was right on. Yup. Still a good girl who has a partying side but that I've cut back on it a lot. Then she talked about how her partying side was subsiding as well. I figured, eh we're at that age. She was like well that and I'm trying to stay sober now and somehow I figured she wasn't just talking about alcohol. She didn't wanna get into it so i didn't push. She let me know that she got caught up in some bad shit and busted a few times for various reasons--she alluded to fights and drugs-- and that she had decided to change. No more drugs. No more drama. No more. She wanted to go back to school to maybe even be a counselor to help others like her. I was really proud of her and told her so. I told her I would help her find a job and thought she was awesome for what she wanted to do. She sounded proud of herself too. I encouraged her to really go for it b/c she's smart, nice and keeps it real. She sounded bashful but thanked me.

Then we talked about meeting up in person sometime when I wasn't working. She said she didn't have a job b/c of her record and no license. I dont know why but my brain went uhhhhhhhhhhh this may not be a good move Sally. If you pick her up and she says that people are after her b/c she's out of the drug ring...that could be a bad situation, especially if we met for a drink. She wasn't sure of a nearby coffee place b/c she said she just moved back to the NOVA area recently but maybe hang out at her place? I was like umm yeah. I didn't know waht my work schedule was like (even though I as 9-6 it hardly worked out that way). I told her we could aim for 4th of July weekend and I'd call her later to discuss details, where she lived etc.

Only I never did. Part of me was scared she would call me b/'s not that i didn't wanna see her. I actually really did. I was more so nervous about her surroundings and the people she associated with (particularly the ones that didn't like her). Then I legitly got caught up in a shitstorm known as work and let it fall to the wayside.

I've since switched jobs and as I have some time off and now that it's been a while I thought, what the hell. I wanna see her and I'm over being guessing/judgmental Sally. Now i just wanna see my friend and see how she's doing. I went through my phone and couldn't find her number. Weird! I swore I saved it.

So i did what any one would do nowadays. I went to facebook to send her a message. Her page pulled up and the first thing I see is RIP... I was like huh? Then i saw the other messages. I was like no, they can't be talking ABOUT her. it must be someone she knows or maybe she had a miscarriage. who knows! So i started going through the comments on her page. No...she definitely died. I started shaking badly. How could i not? I was ready to have coffee and chill with her and can't...because she's passed away. WTF??? And as I'm reading i have no clue how it happened. Car accident? I read more that wasn't it. I got frustrated and jumped to google.

Whats one of the first things I see? An article about her. I was like ok...and clicked on the link. The story was about how her home was invaded by the police for heroin possession, trafficking, use, multiple firearms and an undisclosed amount of money. Um...WHAT? That article was in October and if you remember from earlier, I talked ot her in late June. WTF???

My sorrows for her went to the wayside and my first thought was, You fucking lied to me. AGAIN. Fucking lied. You're better than this and you lied and said you were getting help. That you wanted to change. That you wanted better for yourself. Obviously you didn't.

Then i froze.

I'm getting mad at someone who's life was ended too short and that I didn't know the whole story from. Maybe she was better. Maybe someone put that stuff in her house. And most of all, who the FUCK am i to judge someone? How DARE i?

I felt sick for thinking the mean and angry thoughts that I did. And then i felt awful. Way to be judgmental! And in true Sally fashion, I cried. Not for a long time, and not uncontrollably but I was truly upset and sad for her.

I read the messages over and over again on her wall. I had a strong suspicion she over dosed or killed herself.

I frantically messaged people who wrote on her wall in hopes to get some information and to find out where she was laid to rest.

I got a response not too long ago--she died of an overdose (heroin i would assume) and was cremated.


I'm stuck now in this horrible place. I'm FURIOUS with her for being so fucking stupid as to doing HEROIN and not taking the help that was right in front of her face. And for telling me that she wished she had more Sallys in her life so she wouldn't be where she is. I'm not an angel but I do have some common sense and self worth. And wheen we did talk, I did consider coming back into her life full force to keep her away from the drugs, introduce her to some sober and fun people, get her a job, encourage her through the rough times to push through. But then i thought, fuck it. Im sick of playing the role of the guardian angel for people who need guidance.

Then I'm FURIOUS with me for sounding like a heartless bitchface. Then I'm upset for not getting the chance to have seen her when she asked. And I'm upset that she didn't get a chance to fight through. She didn't want to die. She just did. And that's fucking terrible. All my crazy opinions and feelings aside, it's fucking fucking fucking terrible. She deserved SO much better.

Then the few people I have told about this..I'm confused by their reactions. 2 were really great. Everyone else seems great initially but then i feel like im being fed cliches and i know for damn sure im worth more than a fucking cliche. And some are so apathetic and I'm annoyed. Look just b/c im not bawling doesnt mean im not going through a rough fucking time. And then when people say their sorry i bristle and am like, i'm fine. why wouldn't i be?

I dont know. I dont know how to feel.

I put a little shoutout song to her as "How To Save a Life" on Facebook. I know she would've strongly preferred "One Sweet Day." She loved Mariah Carey. She loved that song. I know she would've preferred that song but the way I feel now i feel like "How To Save a Life" is more appropriate.

Where did I go wrong
I lost a friend
Some where along in the bitterness
But I would've stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life...

Amen, The Fray. A-frickin-men.

Not sure how or why I felt the need to share this private happening to the public but i did. Im confused and yeah...

Monday, April 25, 2011

Burnin' Up!

Okay so I should probably be asleep but I should probably a lot of things. I'll get to everything eventually. It's just so damn hot that I can't sleep and feel like I'm burnin' up. Seriously.

I think I'm starting to feel more like myself again now that I've had a little time to destress. I'm forcing myself to go out again and I'm finding that once I'm back out there, I'm fine.

Friday night I met my blasian bro for a bevie and found out that I'm actually not bad at shooting hoops despitee my magnificent height of 5'4. Don't scoff. It is. I know my legal eagle Ike and bff Doodle have snorted with laughter when I say I am 5'4. Ike insists 5'4 in heels and that i look like i'mi 14, possibly 15 with make up and Doodle thinks i'm 5' and look like im 17. For the record to both men, if i look 15-17 yrs old and you're both over 30..that makes you both perverts and Chris Hansen is gonna bust through your doors. Also saw some old coworkers which was nice!

Saturday--Bridal shower day! It was at 2941 which is a gorgeous restaurant on the water in Falls Church. (Side note, AMAZING tuna tartare!) Who knew there was water in Falls Church? Aside from me totally face planting during a rescue mission and suffering from terrible hair syndrome, it went beautifully. Guests on time-ish, gorgeous center pieces, lots of fun gifts, an adorable cake--a good time was had by all for the bride we all love! Oh! And my JeoparTi game turned out okay! Ok i make it sound like it was some super awesome thing when it can be argued that it looked like a glamorous 7th grade sciene fair project but dammit, I was proud i pulled it off and that the questions all had clever hints sandwiched in them. Woo hoo! Best wishes to my Kimora and Jiman.

(Oh separate wedding note: Please visit this link to show your support for gay marriage and add your name! Gotta show my love for all and their RIGHT to love as well!)

Sat night was pretty nice and chill too--I went to Primetime in FFx with the bride and some of the ladies from the shower and it was actually pretty decent there--well for ffx. It's a hell of a lot better than V5 which seems to be the current wateringhole/Cheers-esque bar. Maybe the fact that i don't feel like im going to get shanked on my way to my car helps. hahah There's nothing wrong with V5-- I think I'm just over it since that's where i feel like i watch sports and it was the closest bar to my old job for HH. Overload!!!

Today didn't go out out but went to my sister's colleague's easter lunch/dinner (linner?) thing which was cool. I felt kinda funny b/c her colleague's son and friends are in high school but my sister's colleague is a bit older than me so I felt like I was too old to mingle with the kiddos and not old enough to talk with the grown ups. LOL It was fun though. Always good to meet new people and have good eats around. Although with summer creepin' up, can't have TOO many good eats!

Now it's 1:39am and there's no reason for me to be blogging or up or up and blogging but it's like ridiculously hot in my room. gahhhhhh!

Ok, game plan--switch to a wife beater which i've been meaning to do for the past 6 hours (hahahah) and attempt sleep again.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Not Listenin' When You Say...Goodbye

Per my blog tradition, ever blog is named after a lyric or song title and this 3rd Eye Blind song is for my Lindsey Doll (check out her blog at

Anyways, back in college this guy I was on the school paper with Frank always made fun of me, saying that I say when I'm wrapping up a phone call that I say the most polite and perky "bye" ever.

Honestly? I never paid much attention to how I say hi or bye to people in person or on the phone. I try to be as friendly as possible--I mean why wouldn't I? I'm talking to my friends, I would assume!

I know this is all very random but like every once in a while since Frank pointed it out, I'll tune in and pay attention to how people say bye. I've gotta say that while 100% of my friends are a joy to talk to, 90% of my friends are terrible about the goodbyes. When they say it for whatever reason, the person's tone gets really flat or like they're irritated. (which hopefully is not directly related to the conversation they had with me. LOL). Also, i would say about 60% of the hellos sound like "HELLO IM IRRITATED AND OR SUPER BUSY." But then once they start talking they sound less like the exorcist and more like that people I love and was hoping to get on the other end of the phone.

Totally random thought/blog but now that I've put it out there, really pay attention to how people say hi and bye--it'll probably make you laugh!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I Can See Us Dying...Are We?

No, I'm not a prophet and I dont actually see people dying ahead of time or anything like that (though I think there's a tv show or movie out there with a premise of just that.) So. I'm all bent out of shape b/c I feel like I might lose one of my BFFs one day and I'm vastly paranoid and unhappy about it. I've been warned all around from the general public that once either myself or this BFF of mine is in a relationship, our friendship is game over. I refuse to believe it. REFUSE! B/c it just doesn't make sense. I have plenty of close guy friends who are in relationships and we never stopped talking or not hang out as much as we used to. If we don't talk or hang out as much as we used to, then it's b/c we both have crazy schedules that aren't compatible and not because of anyone's relationship status. Me and the BFF in question have consistently been just friends, in my humble opinion so the notion that we're not going to be friends anymore is absurd and really scary b/c I assume he feels the same way but I dont actually know. And bringing it up pre-emptively just adds to the file of Sally is possibly the most paranoid person alive file. I guess I just dont understand why if we've been friends all along, why a relationship status on either of our end would kill our friendship. I dont much like that at all. And like I keep saying, it doesn't make sense! I've asked girls, guys, straight, gay, almost all races and they all keep beating into my head that I live in la la land with gummy bears and puppies but the real world says NO. You can't still be friends. And if we DO continue being friends that there will have to be a grace period to show no disrespect to the other's bf/gf. Like wtf ?? What ettiquette book dictated this? I dont think that a friendship should be put on hold for anything. So confused!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Chain Chain Chaaaaiiinnn....

Ok. Technology has gotten out of control. And my next rant here is totally nerding it up and not even that technologically advanced but yeah. So. here i goes.. What's strongly becoming a huge annoyance is the CC/Reply All function on emails. At work, at home, etc--there are these HUGE chain of emails and I'm like WTF. No one told me I had to read the entire encyclopedia britannica to figure out what time to meet friends for dinner. I personally don't feel that I should have to have a table of contents to navigate through an email. I'm a girly as you get emotionally but when it comes to making a point, I think like a man--short, sweet and to the point. Otherwise i get overwhelmed. I totally get that CC-ing people is like totally necessary sometimes but the reply all KILLS me. Especially when someone sends out a "funny" forward to their friends and family (who I typically dont know) and the next thing I know there's this endless chain of "inside jokes"/people trying (and failing) to be funny from Uncle Joe or Jane Doe and there's always someone who feels the need to one up them. I'm like seriously? I dont know you people and even if i did, the forward was not funny and your comments are not funny so can we just like, let it die? MMMKTHANKS! Seriously, I need a Xanax before I can check email or maybe i should switch to adderol b/c people seem to have a lot to say and a lot of people want to say it. I'm like GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! "but sally didn't you get it? you were CCed on the email." No bitch! I didn't get it. Actually i probably did but it was encased in a thousand fucking useless words of bullshit. And really, how can I remember the one sentence you ask me about when there are about a million useless ones? Okay redundant argument but still. Totally true. It's all very Coco Chanel " before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off." Less is more bitches. Make it work. Before you send that email--really consider 1.) Should you really hit reply all? 2.) Is anyone gonna give a shit? 3.) Wtf is the purpose of my email and lets make it quick and to the point.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Meet Me at the Crossroads

Remember that song from the 90's? "Meet me at the crosssroadsssss so you wont be lone-lay!" The other words to the song are a mystery for most. Something about the guy's Uncle Charles and what not. I digress. I feel like I'm at the crossroads of my life again. Still not sure what to do, who to spend energy on and trying to be more assertive with those I really shouldn't waste anymore time with. Waste more time meaning like, they've had too much of it already. I'm not really in a negative mood so much as I am thoughtful one. Throughout the madness of the past few months, I forgot about how amazing some of my friends are--even the ones I didn't think I was so close with. Other friends I really trusted have really let me down and made me question their motives. And there is one friend I miss dearly...our disappearing friendship or whatever makes me sad. I think it's a good time right now for me to start things over--for the millionth time. I hate like I feel like I'm starting from ground zero all the time but a fresh start is a fresh start so here I go again...!