Sunday, September 7, 2014

Breathing is the Hardest Thing to Do

Tomorrow is my dad's birthday and I can't even. I can't. I'm having the worst anxiety right now and I'm scared and not really sure why. Nothing bad is going is happen. I'm petrified of bursting into tears at work or something. Please just let me get through tomorrow. Tear free. I should have asked for the day off but I didn't even realize it. I'm not calling out sick bc that's stupid. And a lie. I'm not even sure why I'm blogging this but writing has always been my safe place. 

I just have to get through tomorrow.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

I refuse I refuse I refuse

I'm not moving over to Facebook messenger after all te creepy and scary things I've read about it in terms of the privacy policy. Wtf--no thanks. Unless I read it wrong but that one star review doesn't make make me feel any better either. I'll just roll old school and respond from an actual laptop. 

Moving along... 

Why is it that the one person who hit on me this evening had to be the preppy guy with a popped collar--do people even do that anymore?!?! I'm literally the polar opposite of a fashionista but even I know that no one does that anymore--I think anyways. I did try to keep an open mind but a glaring popped collar, no respect for personal bubble and an awkward but polite conversation is not the way to me. 

Let's just put it this way, I'm blogging at 11 on a Saturday night. Obviously home early but I literally just can't. 

I think it doesn't help that my brain is in a bad way right now. My dad's birthday is on Monday so maybe that's what's triggering the waterfalls down my face...but only in public places , which is clearly the ideal place. Like this morning I sobbed in front of a Rite Aid in m y car, target parking lot and then in the sauna at the gym both the wet and dry one. And the shower. It's not a big choking sob for the most part but it's just a downpour. My poor steering wheel required 7 dunkin donuts napkins to get it dry enough to not slip out of my hands or make for a gross damp situation. I just miss my dad. It's the weirdest thing ever. I was never daddy's little girl or anything but we didn't hate each other or have a terrible relationship. And football makes my heart and stomach sink. This was our season; different teams but the rivalry and shit talking of each other's teams and players we naturally disliked was always second to none. 

I just need a break. 

But like a fool, I keep refusing to take one. 

It's sad when your doctors are advising you to take a vacation and one makes fun of you for not. I just can't afford it, no clue where I'd go or whom id go with that I wouldn't likely want to punch after a few days. 

I have been thinking of three vaycay scenarios:
1. Beach. Alone. Go by myself and stay in a hotel that's on the beach so I'll go sit out and come back in. Lather rinse repeat. No sight seeing. No bars. No ocean activity...well maybe ocean activity like surfing or something but that's it. 

2. Three days to go see an I have to ride an airplane friend and literally do a bunch of stuff whatever it is. Come back two days sit on my ass in my house and not do anything but watch reality tv and occasionally get up to pee.

3. Yoga retreat. The problem is Im pretty terrified of getting murdered and feel like a yoga retreat by myself with a bunch of other people I don't know in the middle of nowhere can likely lead to some weird problems. Which... We all know happens to me even when I'm here doing something normal like going to the grocery store.

Even relaxing stresses me out ugh.