Tuesday, September 10, 2013

It's Not Right, But its Okay

I don't know why that song reminds me of one of my best friends, Megan but I'm sure there's some insanely funny only to us story behind it. 

So what's not right but okay is me missing my dad. I've been super public about it on my blog but I know not everyone reads it and its certainly not Facebook where the minute you post something, it's everyone's business regardless of your privacy setting. I kept talking about him in the present tense and my darling Samantha sunshine very honestly and genuinely told me that I need to stop that. She said it with such a caring and genuine tone that it struck a chord in me and now I'm being very honest about it--when it comes up anyways. Ashley confirmed this and you know Ashley is my ride or die friend. Hate that term but that's the most accurate way to describe our friendship. 

I caught myself staring at my dads pic on my sisters Facebook and couldn't help but just miss him all over again. As if it was the first time. With football season in full effect and his birthday was just on Sunday, my heart is heavy. I felt ridiculous for being as upset as I am about him and now I don't care what anyone thinks. He was an amazing father to my sisters and me and an amazing husband to my mom. Not perfect because who is? I miss him terribly. TERRIBLY. 

But am lucky to have the rest of the girls in my family and my supportive friends around. There's a silly quote from one of my favorite authors that says "the stars are always out. Sometimes we just can't see them" 

Monday, September 2, 2013

I Gotta Get Through This

She who does not watch movies aka me (not b/c I don't like them, I just never get around to them) is about to quote a movie.

Mrs. Doubtfire. Not exactly your academy award winner full of beautiful cinematography or a highly developed complex script but there's this quote Robin Williams says and it's ringing true to me more and more every day:"Did you ever wish you could sometimes freeze frame a moment in your day, look at it and say "this is not my life"?


I can't shake this terrible feeling of wanting to just be left alone. I don't think I've talked to anyone all weekend. I keep fantasizing of just running away--but of course would tell my family where I was. God knows that they've been through enough, I wouldn't do something so asshole-ish and put them through more grief. I actually got to the point where I looked up a hotel/flight/car from here to Amsterdam because I wanted to go on a bender and if you're going to do it, why not go big? 

Unfortunately a next day flight (i looked on fri) was in the ball park of $12,000. I considered selling my car. Then I realized, I don't actually own it yet so that's not gonna happen and sadly, that's the most expensive asset I have. Or would have if I owned it. Other than that I have two guitars and a skateboard and somehow I don't think that would get me far. 

My friends, ah my friends. I love. Love love love. All little angels who've been there for me this year. Every year but this shitty year especially. Full of problem solving, hang in there, words of advice. If I were in their position I'd be doing the same too. The thing is is that it's not them its me. It's best described in this blog--read all of it if you're so inclined but if not, just scroll down until you get to the part/cartoon about the fish and that is EXACTLY me.

My insomnia is getting unreal. Usually a benedryl or shot of nyquil does the trick but the hangover next morning is disasterous so I can only save that for the weekends. And then it seems pointless because I can sleep however late I want to or at least wake up and take a nap later if needed. 

I hate carrying all this baggage with me. I hate it. Especially when I meet new people like my new coworkers and just want to shout HEY IM HAVING A TERRIBLE YEAR. My dad died, I got a flat tire on the way to his service, two more since, scratched my eye went to ER and am stuck in glasses forever, cracked my phone open chasing my dog, got laid off from a job where I was happy, ended up in ER again for an 'allergies', I'm basically being booted from a 6 year relationship and am no where near where I want to be in life in general. Please everyone just be nice to me or if you're not going to do that, please don't add anymore crap on to my crap. General public, collectively get off my nuts. Stop giving me advice and telling me to look on the bright side. I'm not actively seeking the dark side either. Just get off of my nuts. Go fuck yourself.

Blah. What am i doing..............

Somebody to Love

Lord in heaven! I just checked out (didn't actually sign up. just creeped around to see what the norms were) and dear God in Heaven i'm in a world of trouble. I was considering joining the craze (everyone i know who's single is all about match and grouper) for various reasons: plain curiosity of what it's like/what's out there, needing to shake things up in my world and I had intentions of possibly joining but now those intentions are almost in my rear view mirror after seeing what I saw. I'm not going to dog on the guys b/c they're on there too with the same intentions I'm sure. Find somebody to love and hopefully loves them back (well and hopefully not just there for a booty call. i'm pretty sure that's what Tinder and OK Cupid are for).

It was like a giant conglomerate of people who were not my type, whether it was looks or what they wrote in their profile and in all fairness, I am absolutely not their type either.

And the cliches ahhhhhhhhhhhh the cliches. EVERYONE is a nerd at heart and EVERYONE likes going out but also quiet nights in and EVERYONE likes trying new things and likes all kinds of musics and running and puppies and their families blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah.


And the way I am judging these people is the same way I know I'm going to be judged to which only sky rockets my anxiety to an unreal level. It's ridiculous.

I'm not the kind of person who can date more than one person at a time. I'm absolutely not against it--in fact I wish I could. I feel like I'm more of the date one person at a time thing. Sure it will take a lot longer to find the right  one but it's just a comfort thing I guess.

What in ball sack am I going to do?

If I do move forward, I will likely send my closest friends my username password and let them run the show and just show up for said date here and there. I feel like that would be super awesome and convenient and smart but then it's not building the rapport I ought to be.

And I hit up my younger sister and just shared with her the same things I just did and while she sympathized with a lot, she also said "stop looking at the negative things before anything's even happened yet!"


....but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop.

Maybe I'll hit up the creepy old guy from eharmony and see if he has any better prospects for me.