Monday, September 2, 2013

I Gotta Get Through This

She who does not watch movies aka me (not b/c I don't like them, I just never get around to them) is about to quote a movie.

Mrs. Doubtfire. Not exactly your academy award winner full of beautiful cinematography or a highly developed complex script but there's this quote Robin Williams says and it's ringing true to me more and more every day:"Did you ever wish you could sometimes freeze frame a moment in your day, look at it and say "this is not my life"?


I can't shake this terrible feeling of wanting to just be left alone. I don't think I've talked to anyone all weekend. I keep fantasizing of just running away--but of course would tell my family where I was. God knows that they've been through enough, I wouldn't do something so asshole-ish and put them through more grief. I actually got to the point where I looked up a hotel/flight/car from here to Amsterdam because I wanted to go on a bender and if you're going to do it, why not go big? 

Unfortunately a next day flight (i looked on fri) was in the ball park of $12,000. I considered selling my car. Then I realized, I don't actually own it yet so that's not gonna happen and sadly, that's the most expensive asset I have. Or would have if I owned it. Other than that I have two guitars and a skateboard and somehow I don't think that would get me far. 

My friends, ah my friends. I love. Love love love. All little angels who've been there for me this year. Every year but this shitty year especially. Full of problem solving, hang in there, words of advice. If I were in their position I'd be doing the same too. The thing is is that it's not them its me. It's best described in this blog--read all of it if you're so inclined but if not, just scroll down until you get to the part/cartoon about the fish and that is EXACTLY me.

My insomnia is getting unreal. Usually a benedryl or shot of nyquil does the trick but the hangover next morning is disasterous so I can only save that for the weekends. And then it seems pointless because I can sleep however late I want to or at least wake up and take a nap later if needed. 

I hate carrying all this baggage with me. I hate it. Especially when I meet new people like my new coworkers and just want to shout HEY IM HAVING A TERRIBLE YEAR. My dad died, I got a flat tire on the way to his service, two more since, scratched my eye went to ER and am stuck in glasses forever, cracked my phone open chasing my dog, got laid off from a job where I was happy, ended up in ER again for an 'allergies', I'm basically being booted from a 6 year relationship and am no where near where I want to be in life in general. Please everyone just be nice to me or if you're not going to do that, please don't add anymore crap on to my crap. General public, collectively get off my nuts. Stop giving me advice and telling me to look on the bright side. I'm not actively seeking the dark side either. Just get off of my nuts. Go fuck yourself.

Blah. What am i doing..............