Just take a look, it's in a book...

**Dedicated to Tanner who may either die after reading this or will never speak to me again b/c I'm apparently dense as fog. hahah enjoy Tanner!!!**

Right, so i'm going to apologize ahead of time by flat out saying, I have no fucking idea how this conversation started and I recognize the nerdyness of it but seriously, you can't even say anything b/c you know what's said is true.

Based on a true conversation i had with, of course, the ever present and always entertaining little sister of mine. Julie the pilgrim.

Why were talking about books we were forced to read in school, i dont know but we found a way to make it even more understandable than cliffs notes. Please see below

DIARY OF ANNE FRANK
Me: Was that a true story? It was right?
Julie: Oy vey. YES. That's why it's the AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
Me: I was right! Mazle tov! But only kinda since it was a pretty sad story.
Julie: It was very sad. But very boring.
Me: What???
Julie: It WAS.
Me: She was HIDING in an attic from NAZIS! Give her a break. Not much is going to change.
Julie: I know but she could've used better adjectives or told more interestingly.
Me: Maybe the whole COULD BE KILLED BY NAZIS thing was hindering her ability to use more colorful language.
Julie: I didn't say i BLAME her or that her story wasn't sad. I'm just saying that the book was a little long and dry. The moral is that she's a great girl despite the incredibly shitty (to put it lightly) circumstance she was in.
Me: Exactly. Give home girl a break.
Julie: I know. I'm just saying, it should be like the first chapter, ONE middle chapter and then the end chapter. I'm in an attic. It sucks. I still believe in people. Done. Now that's how you tell a story.
Me: You're a putz, you realize this right?

GREAT EXPECTATIONS
Julie: I LOVE that story.
Me: What was it about again? Some guy who had...great expectations?
Julie: OMG. Yes but there's more to it than that. It's about a guy named Pip who falls in love with this girl
Me: BACK UP THE SOULTRAIN. His name was PIP?? They couldn't think of a sexier name than PIP?
Julie: Look, I didn't name him. ANYWAYS Pip falls in love with this girl but the girl was trained to be a heartbreaker by her bitter aunt.
Me: Ok...so...what's so great about that?
Julie: He had GREAT EXPECTATIONS to fall in love and be with her but her aunt is a psycho.
Me: Psycho how? Wait, is that the story with Miss Havisham and she got jilted at the altar?
Julie: Yup and she never left her house and made all the clocks stay at the time she was jilted or give minutes before and she never changed out of her wedding gown.
Me: WHAT? How long ago was she jilted?
Julie: Like forever ago. Like the aunt is like REALLLLLLLLY OLD.
Me: That's gotta be one funky ass smelling hummin dirty stanky stank dress.
Julie: For real. Anyways Pip falls in love with the niece and the niece loves him too but acts like she dont
Me: She sounds like a trick.
Julie: She wasn't a trick. She just didnt know any better b/c of her smelly aunt.
Me: So do they hook up in the end? Pip and that girl?
Julie: Nope.
Me: What? Why is called great expectations??? It should be called NO expectations.
Julie: Charles Dickens is stupid. I dont know why. Maybe b/c Pip had great expectations
Me: but they weren't met...that's false advertising. Whats the point of the story? dont fall in love? dont have expectations becuase the man or woman of your dreams my have a bitter stanky aunt?
Julie: Pretty much.
Me: So how does it end?
Julie: Pip is like you dont' lvoe me? okay. im going to go now. and then he leaves with the ex-con who gave him all that money.
Me: Er...? Did i miss something?
Julie: I hate Charles Dickens. It's like a 300 pg book and i just told you everything you need to know about it in 3 minutes. He went on about how some wine fell off a cart and it fell into the crevaces of the road and blah blah blah. FIVE PAGES. All he had to say was the wine fell. Next...
Me: ...did you just say crevace?

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS
Me: For whom DOES that bell toll for?
Julie: I dont know. But i saw somewhere in a poem or something that "It tolls for thee"
Me: For me? I dont even KNOW the guy who wrote that
Julie: NO stupid. Thee meaning EVERYONE.
Me: A player must've wrote that. Like he must've been the Drake of his time. "Youda youda beest youda youda best best i ever haaaaaaad best i ever haaad"
Julie: I dont think that's what Edgar Allan Poe meant.
Me: Isn't he a black comedian?
Julie: NO SALLY. That's David Allan Grier.
Me: Right. So the bell tolls for everyone?
Julie: Actually...i think it was a story about soldiers so it tolls for them. I didn't read the book because I dont like war books.
Me: But you like Gone with the Wind.
Julie: That was a movie. That's different.
Me: BASED ON A BOOK like every movie out there pretty much.
Julie: I don't think Soul Plane and Pootietang were ever books and they were movies.
Me: Well played my friend. Well played.

GENERAL SHORT STORIES
Me: Did you ever have to read that story about the woman who cut her hair and sold it so she could buy a guitar case for her husband and her husband sold his guitar to buy his wife a hair clip and they find out what the other did and it's supposed to be like awww but it's actually kinda fucked up that they BOTH got dicked in the end?
Julie: HAHAHAH Did you just make that story up?
Me: NO! I dont know what the moral is. Don't...buy your signficant other gifts?
Julie: Maybe.
Me: Or...maybe the moral is...put a limit on the gift you're going to get each other? I dont know why they made us read that book.

Julie: I hated the Giver. It had an ugly cover too. I also hated that tuck...forever ever forever ever story.
Me: First of all, this is not Outkast's Miss Jackson. It was NOT Tuck Forever ever forever ever. It was Tuck Everlasting.
Julie: Whatever same thing. That book sucked. Did they ever make you read the story about the cat and the time machine?
Me: HAHAHAHAHHAHA NO! Are you making stories up??
Julie: NO! It's a story about a cat and he has a time machine and he goes places.
Me: Uhhhhhhhhh. I think you need to lay off whatever drug it is you're clearly ingesting.
Julie: I AM NOT.
Me: You want ME to believe that someone wrote a story and Fairfax County asked kids to read a story about a cat with a time machine...
Julie: Actually, I dont think it had a time machine. It just like went places when it felt like it.
Me: So do i. That doesn't make me a cat or a time machine.
Julie: NO! It's a real story. It was called...it was called...time...travel...cat...travel...travel...cat..
Me: Time Travel Cat Travel Travel Cat--catchy title....
Julie: I hate you.

GREAT GATSBY
Julie: HATED THAT STORY.
Me: What? It was the only quasi interesting one out there. Make something outta nothing.
Julie: Unoriginal. Cinderella did that too.
Me: Um NO. Gatsby is like the original Fitty Cent. Get Rich or Die Trying. He got rich and died later but that's totally unrelated.
Julie: Whats the point of that story?
Me: That anything possible i guess.
Julie: You didn't read it.
Me: I did too! I just dont remember. Gatsby was great b/c he became rich and got the girl he wanted. Okay he died a little afterwards but still. He was great.
Julie: Was he Sally? Was he? You know him like that?
Me: I hate you.

And finally..
Me: Julie, you do realize in this conversation we have basically shat all over american literature.
Julie: Dickens was British.
Me: Whatever...wait, he was?
Julie: YES. ::english accent:: Ch-aw-les Dih-ckens
Me: Just because you say it in a British accent doesn't make it so.
Julie: Whatever. But i dont think we shat all over it. We just broke it down.
Me: We should totally be teachers.
Julie: Seriously. We explain so other understand and make it a LOT shorter. Think of the books that dont need to be published anymore.
Me: GO GREEN! My friend Chase would be proud of that. That kid a half step away from being captain planet. hahah
Julie: Lordie. Anyways, maybe we should be teachers.
Me: I'm down.