Teeth

After having my wisdom teeth pulled, I've spent the past five days like this in this very outfit. 

This might be the only time ever in life you will get me to sit still and watch a movie. And movie it up I have. At first it was like torture but it was the only way to pass time since I wasn't allowed to eat or talk or work out or smoke--aka my four favorite past times. 

I've now seen the following:

Good Will Hunting

Bridget Jones Diary: Edge of Reason

The Usual Suspects

Birdcage

Love Actually

Pretty in Pink

Can't Hardly Wait

Stand By Me

All were pretty good--though I did have to watch usual suspects twice bc I gave up on it a third into the movie but glad I stuck it out.

I can't wait to be able to eat like a normal person again and work out. This had been completely blissful and totally annoying at the same time. 

I know it was just getting two teeth pulled but talk about not taking things for granted. And they say for the first 48 hours not to do anything which was literally suffocating to me.

I've cleaned out my closet (mostly), washed everything I own, and starting to throw things out. 

On the pampering side, I did deep condition my hair with coconut oil (love that stuff) for the first time and it wasn't so scary (I thought it wouldn't be able to rinse it out at first) got my eyebrows threaded and did a dry scrub. 

On the working out front... It's been maddening. I have been doing squats and push ups here and there just to get unsloth like but... It's not the same. Can't wait for my follow up appt and to be done with all of this. 

Breathing is the Hardest Thing to Do

Tomorrow is my dad's birthday and I can't even. I can't. I'm having the worst anxiety right now and I'm scared and not really sure why. Nothing bad is going is happen. I'm petrified of bursting into tears at work or something. Please just let me get through tomorrow. Tear free. I should have asked for the day off but I didn't even realize it. I'm not calling out sick bc that's stupid. And a lie. I'm not even sure why I'm blogging this but writing has always been my safe place. 

I just have to get through tomorrow.

I refuse I refuse I refuse

I'm not moving over to Facebook messenger after all te creepy and scary things I've read about it in terms of the privacy policy. Wtf--no thanks. Unless I read it wrong but that one star review doesn't make make me feel any better either. I'll just roll old school and respond from an actual laptop. 

Moving along... 

Why is it that the one person who hit on me this evening had to be the preppy guy with a popped collar--do people even do that anymore?!?! I'm literally the polar opposite of a fashionista but even I know that no one does that anymore--I think anyways. I did try to keep an open mind but a glaring popped collar, no respect for personal bubble and an awkward but polite conversation is not the way to me. 

Let's just put it this way, I'm blogging at 11 on a Saturday night. Obviously home early but I literally just can't. 

I think it doesn't help that my brain is in a bad way right now. My dad's birthday is on Monday so maybe that's what's triggering the waterfalls down my face...but only in public places , which is clearly the ideal place. Like this morning I sobbed in front of a Rite Aid in m y car, target parking lot and then in the sauna at the gym both the wet and dry one. And the shower. It's not a big choking sob for the most part but it's just a downpour. My poor steering wheel required 7 dunkin donuts napkins to get it dry enough to not slip out of my hands or make for a gross damp situation. I just miss my dad. It's the weirdest thing ever. I was never daddy's little girl or anything but we didn't hate each other or have a terrible relationship. And football makes my heart and stomach sink. This was our season; different teams but the rivalry and shit talking of each other's teams and players we naturally disliked was always second to none. 

I just need a break. 

But like a fool, I keep refusing to take one. 

It's sad when your doctors are advising you to take a vacation and one makes fun of you for not. I just can't afford it, no clue where I'd go or whom id go with that I wouldn't likely want to punch after a few days. 

I have been thinking of three vaycay scenarios:

1. Beach. Alone. Go by myself and stay in a hotel that's on the beach so I'll go sit out and come back in. Lather rinse repeat. No sight seeing. No bars. No ocean activity...well maybe ocean activity like surfing or something but that's it. 

2. Three days to go see an I have to ride an airplane friend and literally do a bunch of stuff whatever it is. Come back two days sit on my ass in my house and not do anything but watch reality tv and occasionally get up to pee.

3. Yoga retreat. The problem is Im pretty terrified of getting murdered and feel like a yoga retreat by myself with a bunch of other people I don't know in the middle of nowhere can likely lead to some weird problems. Which... We all know happens to me even when I'm here doing something normal like going to the grocery store.

Even relaxing stresses me out ugh. 

Again

Oh Lord. Why did I just do that? Why?? 

I did it again. I peeked around match.com (didn't sign up) and saw what my prospects were. I know I did this a few months ago and felt the same way now as I did then...which is terrified and hopeless.

It's not the stigma of online dating. I truly don't care about that. It's more like OMG I'm too weird to be doing this mixed with OMG why are they so weird and not in that we can be weird together kind of way. 

I'm making a point to start "putting myself out there" after a six, yes, six year hiatus and I mostly just want to hide under my bed... With a box of cookies.

Despite my burnt out and jaded view of weddings, I decided that I think I do wanna get married. Weddings however... Don't get me started. Ovvvverrrr it. And those past two comments are certainly NOT a dig at anyone bc all the ones I've been to were lovely and everyone is still married happily--and i hope they all continue to be! 

No one is more aware than I am of my short comings and why I'm not perfect. There are somethings I'm willing to compromise on...and others are a dead set no. 

Things I will do for love

- Quit smoking (I wanna do that for me too but it will be easier if I had someone else to do it for too)

- Brush my hair and at least appear to be more lady like (I'm already cringing at the thought of giving up tshirts which I'm not 100% I wanna do but I'll compromise) 

- Lighten up on my workaholic state to make time for a potential interest

I won't do that

- Date a guy from Arlington. Or Maryland. I don't know why but I have such a mental block on that.

- Lower my realistic standards (particularly on attractiveness) just bc society's clock is ticking away for me. I'm not looking for nor want brad Pitt but I have to like the looks at least some what  

- Downplay anything I like or believe in bc someone I like feels differently. 

- Stop wearing chucks

See? I'm fair enough. I'm not asking for gold. Brad Pitt. A rescue story. I want someone I find cute and fun to be with.

But after a solid 45 minutes of combing through... 

I'm back to blogging. And hiding. 

Comfortably Numb

Haven't done this in a while. And maybe I should do more. A majority is bc I don't have the time and partly bc I hate speaking in round about ways but bc of the way social media dictates our life I know I have to be conscientious of what I write.

I am comfortably numb with my feelings for a lot of people. It's nice to finally realize where things truly are. It's not so nice coming to this realization and being scared to seal the deal. In theory letting people fall off and creating distance to allow that to happen is the best thing. The reality is i feel like sometime people deserve to know why they're not longer relevant in your life. It's so arrogant to use those words because no one has the right to tell anyone what they think you're  worth. 

...But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

I've actually been on the you suck and here's why you suck end of things. Long story short someone wrote me 20+Page dissertation   about why I'm a toxic person once. Needless to say, it didn't feel awesome which I think it's why I have a hard time dishing it out to others--bc I know what the hell it feels like.

It's confusing bc I've been going through this lifeless unhappy fog for so long that I can't tell if I truly don't like certain people or if it's just the mad fog making me think they are not worth having around. 

I guess until I figure it out, I'll continue the  comfortably numb path. 

 

Let it Go

Ok top two things a majority of us are sick of--snow and the movie Frozen. I get it. I'm likely leading the angry mob. 

(Okay so I drew the picture above and liked the movie but still--over it)

People in the DC area are all bitching and moaning about the snow--myself included. I get really sick of seeing my newsfeed covered in the same post of people saying they hate snow, tired of snow , the over dramatization of "it's going to snow at least SEVENTY INCHES" and the people who get mad at the meteorologists. 

Side rant: I don't really know why people get so mad at the meteorologists. Like for fucks sake people, they are weather people--not psychic. Like Outkast says--you can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather. 

But by far the most irritating of it all are when people in other areas make fun of MY area for freaking out about the snow. 

Seriously bitches? 

Let's go.

It's a lot like family where you can bitch about them but other people do, it is not okay. 

1. We're not used to a lot of snow because we're not in a hardcore snowy place like the New England area or Antarctica. 1-2 isn't the end of the world but anything more is.  Quit puffing your chest and say boasting about being from Michigan or New Hampshire where people still function when it snows twice as much. Guess what, kiddo--you're not there you're here and we suck at winter weather so tough. Bragging about walking in the snow to and from school for 20 miles both ways uphill, means basically nothing to us. Let us bitch. Even if you don't let us, we will. Get off our nuts--that's just what it is. 

2. We are never prepared even when we know it's coming. Don't blame the citizens--blame VDOT. Nothing is more irritating than seeing plow trucks on a terrifyingly snowy road and they are driving by without the plows down and don't give a flying fuck. I'm sure they aren't allowed to plow out of the goodness of their heart for whatever reason but it doesn't make it less irritating. Like come the fuck on. They said 8" and stupid VDOT sends out like five plows for all of northern va--no boo boo. No. That is not okay. Salt the roads, plow them, fucking lick the ice and snow off the road but do your damn job. When normal people don't do theirs--they get fired. K? 

2. We CAN blame citizens for driving. We suck at driving and we always point the finger at someone else but everyone is pointing at everyone else so that means we all collectively suck. Ice and snow make it a billion times worse bc as if driving a metal sleigh of doom isn't bad enough, you're paranoid of someone else's tin can running into yours. Fuck that. 

3. DC is filled with pretentious people constantly trying to climb the ladder of success, however they so choose to measure it. Therefore anything that gets in their way of getting to a client meeting, a new Audi, drinks at a new place, a new handbag, etc will become the target of hate bc God forbid any of us have to wait for anything. It's obnoxious but dammit that's who we are and we don't like anything stopping is. 

4. Once we finally do go where we need to, ain't not where to park! Again, I blame VDOT. 

Long story short, this winter has been completely horrific and thankfully it's over (hopefully).

Let us bitch--and let it go. 

And the Fluke is the Duke of Soul

Yeah. Seriously--I saw this lady and was like how do I know her...? She looks so familiar... Well that would be because she looks like a fish from The Little Mermaid. Seriously--doppelgänger much? She legit looks like the fish from under the sea that is playing the sax as says "yeah" (the fluke to be more specific)

I'd post a pic but that's not very nice. 

It's the little things in life that keep you going even if you're likely the only one who thinks its funny. 

I'm on this weird cartoon kick lately--more specifically Disney movies but the old ones. Now you know I'm truly getting old when I watch the movies from my childhood when things were simple-/or so they seemed. 

What if instead of FUCK YEAH or hell yeah people said ohh de lally a la Robin Hood? How funny would that be? Or if like Merlin from sword in the stone you could just sing a crazy song to pick your shit up? (Including the rude little sugar bowl who elbows the plate) 

And you know what my favorite Disney movie of all time is--ALICE IN WONDERLAND. I don't know what it is about that movie that I love so much. It's like the way my brain works translated into a Disney movie. A bunch of random shit that's all connected together in some weird way is my life. I remember being a kid and all the kids would be talking about their favorite movie which typically was the little mermaid with some sleeping beauty mixed in there. I would excitedly throw my fav out there and it was like the record stopped and everyone stared at me. When they managed to get over their obvious judgment and distaste of my pick I would be bombarded with questions about why and my most favorite was when they would say matter of factly--she's not a princess. Yeah well you mean bitches neither are you so quit acting like one. 

But I was never that gutsy or quick witted as a kid. Nor did I know any profane words. Now is a whole nother story. Let's just say I've been awarded this past year with the "sista" award bc I was most likely to be giving someone the business while rolling my neck and snapping my fingers. 

Blasian and proud I must say. 

Also proud of a quick sketch I did of one of my fav characters, Sir Hiss

Not bad right? Except when you google and see the image that I tried to imitate then this looks like garbage hahah oh well 

Ok bed time.

Chillin

There is massive panic in my area about the cold weather. Nothing is falling from the sky but mayhem has set in and people are freaking out. Every news station or Facebook feed (which really, what's the difference between the two nowadays..?) 

In the spirit of making lemonade out of lemons this year, I present to you, a hot and cold playlist to get thingn started. Feel free to add your own:

Cold songs:

Icebox - Omarion 

Frozen - Madonna 

Baby it's Cold Outside - various artists

Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice

A Winter's Tale - Queen

Chillin' - Wale ft Lady Gaga

California Dreamin' - The Mamas and the Papas

Hot songs:

Hot in herre - Nelly

Burnin Up - Faith Evans

Fire burnin - Sean Kingston 

Kokomo - Beach Boys

Hot Child in the City - Nick Gilder 

Fire starter - Prodigy

Island in the Sun - Weezer 

This is the Start of Something Good

Hello 2014! It's off to an okay start. nothing terribly interesting has happened so far. I take that back, every time I leave the house (and sometimes when I don't) something totally weird happens and today it wasn't about me. 

That old bitch from my gym was literally rubbing lotion on her ass while I was blowdrying my hair (which I hate to do but I hate being sick even more) and she was bugging the shit out of one of the ladies who works there. She asked her to put lotion all over her back which is this blobby unsightly back. The lady politely helped her out and old bitch was back to her bitchy ways. 

OB: YOU PUT LOTION ON MY BACK

Lady: ...sure! 

OB: Good. If I had daughter I no ask you.

Lady: it's ok! 

OB: Do you have kid? 

Lady: yes I have sons.

OB: SONS NO GOOD. They no help you. They no take care of you. They go and get married and listen to their wife and their wife hate you. HATE. YOU.

Lady: Well I think I have some time until I worry about that.

OB: how old they? 

Lady: (I didn't hear how old she said one was) and my other is 19.

OB: you need daughters. No one will take care of you. (Pause) or buy you underwear.

Lady: oh I'm sure I'll make do

OB: NO ONE BUY YOU UNDERWEAR BC YOU NO HAVE DAUGHTER. Daughters can go buy you clothes. And underwear

Lady: I'm sure I'll be fine.

OB: I have no daughters and have to buy my own clothes and underwear. YOU WAIT. I try that Victoria place but the underwear broke. NO GOOD. Need daughter to buy underwear.

Lady: well, I like shopping so I don't mine

OB: (scoffs) YOU WAIT. Your kids wife hate you. And you have no underwear.

...uhhh what? Wtf is her obsession with underwear and trying to annoying the life ou lt of people? 

Being that I've been the victim of that old bat made me want to swoop in an save the lady but I didn't want to start my year by throwing a hair dryer and this lady. 

...but how awesome would that have been? Minus the whole assault charges a thing. 

I keep trying to plan things for this year in terms of goals and milestones but truly not sure if it matters. As last year astutely proved, things are going to happen they way they're going to happen so I'm not sure if what I'll want to do matters. 

I'm treading lightly this year and hope to make it redemption year. 

Here's to starting things over again..! 

A Change Will Do You Good

Fuck you 2013. Go fuck yourself hard in the ass. Nothing good came from you except your end. 

May 2014 bring back the silly fun Sally we all miss--especially me. I've always had some feistiness to me but this year has been straight up depressing. I spent most of it sobbing, wanting to be alone and or pissed off.

So. Year in review:

Jan - dad went to the hospital

Feb - dad went to heaven 

Mar - funeral

April - series of unfortunate events. Flat tires, two trips to ER for me

May - Angry for no reason month

June - laid off bc I wouldn't move across the country 

July - started a new job 

Aug - crying for no reason month 

Sept - leave me alone month 

Oct - trying to snap out of it month

Nov - I don't care month

Dec - No holiday spirit month. Not even unhappy with holidays--literally just not noticing the difference between one month and another 

What a negative year in review. I'm sure I can do this again with a more positive spin. I just don't care to.

I'm ridiculously excited for this year to end and refuse to do anything to celebrate it. BUH BYE!

True...

Kind of a betch move but I have to say this in regards to my recent Facebook newsfeed:

1. After months and possibly years of watching you upload every moment of your offsprings life...Your kid... Is kinda <very> ugly. Thought time would help but...nahhh it didn't. 

2. Wow. He/she/they got fat/look old as hell. Feeling pretty good here. 

3. I thought that was an awkward family photo at first and then realized it was legit...

4. Way to photoshop your selfie. Ain't nobody who seen you in the past few months believe you look like that

5. OMG please tell me I didn't "like" that picture or status--I have fat fingers and was just scrolling through. 

Give a Little Respect to Me

I swear sometimes I feel like I'm thirteen going on thirty--particularly when it comes to boys and girls being platonic friends. People constantly tell me that there's no such thing but I vehemently disagree. 

It's such an awkward place to be to have straight guy friends who have significant others and almost none of them like me or care to have a friendship with me outside of their man. Part of me is like your loss bc I'm the perfect friend for you. I'm fiercely loyal and if some slutbag tried to make a move on your boyfriend when you're not there I would tell her to fuck off and that he has someone in his life already. 

And yet I kind of get it, meaning I get not wanting to have someone of the opposite sex be your boyfriends friend. But it's like 1. I'm not a Victoria's Secret model. It's not like I'm some super hot hottie that makes you self conscious or whatever. I'm short and quirky-- not tall and sexy. 2.I have no intention on stealing your man and he is not interested in me either. I'm not one of those girls who's going to say "if I wanted him I'd already have him " bc frankly that's stupid and I don't want him. 3. I have never hooked up with any of my guy friends. 4. Karma is a bitch and is so very real--why would I want to encourage getting bad karma? 5. Get to know me. You may not like me and we may not be BFF but you'll know I'm not that kind of girl nor do I care to be. 

Unfortunately, I feel like this has caused a rift btw my guy friends and me. I feel like a secret friend....lots of harmless texts and calls but no face time alone or without significant other. They are welcome to come but not if they're going to throw daggers at me all night verbally or with looks. I can see and likely hearing you whispering and I know you want me to hear and disappear. 

I'm also not going to disrespect you either. As one of my best friends told me this weekend, and to use her words I have no vested interest in this situation. All three of these situations that are currently playing out. 

Fact check before you point fingers and while you're at it, who are you really mad at? Me who has not done anything or yourself for your blatant insecurity? 

Cuz We Need a Little Controversy

Ok enough of the sappy blogs and back to my sassy self. So let's talk football--specially my team. Yeah we won today but I'm still not happy but that's another issue. 

Dan Snyder and important NFL people--DO NOT change the name of the team. It would be fucking ridiculous in a terrible sort of way. Like why after all these years are the protesters pushing especially hard to change it this year? Go play in traffic. 

In NO WAY do I support racism and I get why people would be offended but my bigger issue is what's with the sudden push now? Not to say there wasn't a push for it before but im definitely hearing a lot more about it this year. The logo is tasteful and people who are redskins fans are die hard fans-- not die hard racists. 

What exactly are you trying to accomplish? Because frankly if you're trying to get rid of the term you're only going to make it be said even more because people will constantly refer to the team as formerly the Redskins. Like remember when Prince became The Artist/squiggly thing? Yeah people still called his ass prince sooooo.... 

If it's money that you want, then just bloody well say so. Would you still give a shot if we threw some money your way? Likely not, let's be real. And do you think people are going to suddenly burn all of their merch bc of the name? Um, no. If anyone of the fans burn their memorabilia, it's gonna bc the team is sucking. People are always going to wear the Redskins gear so what-- you wanna go to each fans house and take their merch? Not happening dude. 

And what about the redskins cowboys rivalry? Will it now be the cowboys and... What? Warriors? Lame.

Also lame? Changing the name. Why don't we just stop celebrating thanksgiving too? Stupid? Yeah so is changing the name. 

So don't. That's the best and only argument.

Earth Angel

Another sappy birthday blog. I didn't realize how close together two of my "siblings" birthdays were! 

Big time happy birthday to my my non best friend, Ashley. I don't even know where to begin... First things fist I suppose. Everyone needs a friend like Ashley--period. Even if it's your only friend in life, you would be lucky and it would be the only person you need. It would be that friend who would truly never judge you, even if they had their own opinions, be your life cheerleader who would genuinely be happy when something good would happen to you and not in a bitchy fake way, tell you to quit being a bitch if you were being one, be a shoulder to cry on, come pick your drunk ass up, have a crazy fun time partying with, feel your pain as if it were their own, push you to be a better you, unquestionably cut a bitch for you, pick you up when you've fallen, teach you things, inspire you without even realizing it--I mean literally an all in one. 

My family ADORES her and she's basically an extra member and everyone who knows us knows that. As nice as my family is, they are picky as fuck so that should speak volumes of her character.

Even though we've known each other longer than since back in 2006, let's just take it back to that year that solidified our existence in each other's life. I've never laughed so hard (or cried so hard) and drank so much--if there was a party, you likely saw us there or we were hosting it. Neither of us had jobs for a good bit of that year being newly graduates, but that never stopped us from having the time of our lives while we looked. And hell at that point we were literally neighbors so how sweet was that set up??? 

We both made huge mistakes in love, enjoyed many nights doing karaoke, stupid crash diets, went to a ridiculous amount of house parties, straight bars, gay bars, Ashley would play video games while acting as my shrink as I tried to figure out my life and love life, went to florida, worked odd jobs, smoked cigs while doing cardio--we were a hot ass mess but adorably so. Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton are lucky there wasn't a camera crew following Ashley and me around bc it was wildly entertaining and for no reason--sometimes there doesn't have to be. 

Flash forward to now where we both have jobs, dont get to party with each other, really grown into ourselves--we are real life grown ups! But yet get us on the phone together or in person and were still the same smart and silly girls we were back then. 

We've had share of personal tragedies and I know for my own, I can't imagine having anyone else there for me. How much of an angel is Ashley that when my dad passed away, instead of my family telling me themselves, they called her first to tell me.  She picked me up from work, held my hand the whole time--just everything I needed when I couldn't think function or breathe. 

I never have to question if Ashley will be there for me--it's a given. I'm constantly amazed by my amazing friend. She has been through SOOOOOO much in her life but is still one of THE MOST thoughtful, kind hearted, selfless people I know. The things that people don't think of--she does! We knew of someone who didn't drink so when having a party, Ashley would buy other juices and sodas in addition to the mixers for drinkers. When my sister was really sick, she made this superfun get well bag filled with all of her fav candies and Spanish people magazine hahaha I mean her kind heart is limitless and genuine but don't get it confused--cross her and... Well let's just say you don't want to cross her. 

She's insanely talented at basically everything ever and is quick to teach and help other who don't get it aka the rest of us. Her positivity energy and well energy in general is infectious. She's bold and not afraid to be who she is and what she is is freaking awesome. 

Love my non ridiculously so, and hope she continues to love laugh and live it up into her 30s as she did in years past. 

Ashley--you really are an earth angel and I'm so lucky to have u in my life. 

Tangled

I just love this little guy. He is that little mouse that wakes up in the beginning of Cinderella and then sees his tail all knotted up and does a double take before he grumpily undoes the tangles. Basically not that different from how I wake up only replace tail with hair. 

I feel like there's something wrong with the universe because it's eerily quiet in my end. But then, it could just be the way of the world. I was watching the skins vs broncos game after a sbux date with Ktj and bc it was literally painful to watch the game, I some how ended up watching a few minutes of oprah. There was this lady who in the audience who said that she was doing everything she could to make her dream happen, though not specifying what it was. Oprah understood (uhhhh duh she's Oprah) and told her own (no pun intended) story. Long story short, she wanted any part if they movie the color purple, whether it was holding a light or walking by as an extra. She was obsessed and went to a fat farm to lose weight to perhaps increase her chances. She didn't hear anything from the movie and finally she gave up and, as it usually goes in these types of stories, the minute she did, she got the call. 

You hear those types of stories all the time and you roll your eyes and it's like pfffft right. Go fuck yourself. Bc you're sooooo tangled up in the shit life's thrown at you but I've got to say, there is some truth in that. It's hard to explain... It's like when people say when you stop trying to look for a girlfriend or boyfriend is when you meet mr/ms right. And it's kinda true. 

I noticed that one thing I let go has actually made life easier so if I could just do that with others... It's so damn hard but in the spirit of being true to my resolution of eving fearless, I'll continue.

And setting a MUCH easier goal for next year...

There Goes My Hero

Ok so Nigel's not really my hero but he is kinda one of them! This is my big brother and I'm sure u can tell that we look an awful lot alike. Last night was his bday and it was a pajama themed bday party like whaaa? That's the best theme party. When I got home I literally just crawled into bed like this. 

Nigel has been one of my best friends since college when we met in a journalism class and I was working part time at pacsun and doing promotions for bands for a small amount of money that was like gold to a poor college kid. I gave him some and other class mates stuff from the band a perfect circle (I promoted lots of bands but that week it was them) and we started talking from that point on. 

He was truly a big bro--walking me to my car at night or staying on the phone with me, yelling at me to chose a longer skirt and informing boys that I was his little sister while wagging his finger. He's kept me calm on the highway which I'm Terrified of or would drive bc he knew I was. 

All of this sounds lovely but there was a time our friendship wasn't so lovely. I was constantly getting annoyed with him.  I can't even really remember why nor should I publicize it but I was TOTALLY done with our friendship. Being the ever fiesty girl I am, I told him that I didn't want to be friends and could care less if we ever spoke again in life. Ouch. But even then he was more mature about it than I was and let me know if I wanted to continue our friendship ever, he'd be there. 

Obviously we ended up making up and it was proof that he was a true friend and I made a great decision. He never tires of saying he's always right but he didn't say it that day we made up but he was actually right that our friendship was valuable. And we both never spoke of it again.

Now with my dad gone and no brothers to speak of and not being in a real relationship, it's weird not having any male figures around so I look to my male friends with Nigel obviously being the lead to me. 

I'm lucky to have all of my friends really and this year has been a disaster but I truly appreciate everyone who has been there for me. Even the ones I don't get to see or talk to often like Anna or Hannah or Janel or Linds and Erine --I can't express how much friendships and unconditional love have been instrumental in keeping me sane and I actually get it when people say they are blessed instead of rolling my eyes and being like yeah ok. 

Back to Nigel, he had a big goofy grin and couldn't stop talking about how happy he was with all of his close friends and family and lovely gf in attendance. My wish for him is to have that kind smile everyday. And all the rest of u too. 

Bullet with Butterfly Wings

The name of my blog isn't quite relevant to what I'm about to write. Honestly? I just want to show off my pumpkin and have a pumpkin relevant song so Smashing Pumpkins it is. 

It's supposed to be hello kitty as a witch holding a broom stick--the bristles being above her signature bow. I've never carved a pumpkin and didn't use a stencil and this it came out pretty darn well. Ironically I don't really like hello kitty stuff but with my new obsession with wearing a single bow in my hair and having a wide pale face makes people tell me I look like her. Gee thanks. Hahah 

Odd little stream of consciousness but I realized today how obsessed with music I am. I by no means care to be the voice have the x-factor nor want to be your next American idol or show America I've got talent bc truthfully I don't. I can hold a tune and play a number of songs on the guitar and dance occasionally on rhythm but a musical genius I am not. Not fishing for compliments--it's just the truth of the matter. Doesn't stop me from belting out a tune or choppily playing a song on my guitar. 

I wish there was a job where I could just do all thing a music--choose the songs that go in the background of TV shows and movies, make a music game, I could talk to strangers all day long about music, reminisce about songs, find out what songs are really about, make playlists, the list goes on and on. I love checking out new music, hearing people's opinions about music-it's all fascinating to me. Between music and writing I don't know which would win. But at the same time don't want to be a music journalist bc I am but a simple girl who couldn't tell you about the nuances and deal with the expected criticism of my taste. Like the pathetic no lifers who post comments on anything on the internet which is why I do that've comments on this blog. 

I just insanely have passion for music. Good bad and indifferent. Today I heard mr. Bigs next to be with you and forgot about traffic all together, almost walked out at a bar that was playing Creed, and harassed my older sister with the what is your top three favorite song questions.

Ok let's see how I can make myself relevant to the blog title... Well for one, I certainly do feel like a bullet with butterfly wings. Moving at Mach speed but having butterfly wings to add a feminine touch and could potentially just flutter around aimlessly if I so choose. Sorry that's probably not what the song means at all but whatever.

K-goodnight! 

Stupid girls stuuuuupid girls

Sadly I'm that stupid girl in question. I'm feeling extra dumb lately and can't turn it off. 

Ex 1: Shopping at target and the clerk politely asked what I needed help finding and I said spoons and lighters without thinking. Totally got a judgmental look but polite service and no further questions asked. And then I realized I sounded like a heroin addict. Merp. 

Ex 2: I couldn't for the life of me figure out why it's taking so damn long for me to break in my new shoes especially the right shoe. I slipped it off my foot bent the shoe around the part where the toes were and even stuck my hand in the shoe for good measure and upon piling my hand out realized that it still had the cardboard to help keep the shoes shape in it. And I realized I'm a moron. Merp.

Ex 3: I took a screen shot to show a friend my shattered phone. I could not Figure out why the shattered part didn't show up. And then I realized bc it's not fucking supposed to take a pic of ur actual phone or the physical screen. Merp. 

I could go on but will refrain and hope you all still read my blogs even if they are from a stupid bt at least good humored and honest girl. 

It's Not Right, But its Okay

I don't know why that song reminds me of one of my best friends, Megan but I'm sure there's some insanely funny only to us story behind it. 

So what's not right but okay is me missing my dad. I've been super public about it on my blog but I know not everyone reads it and its certainly not Facebook where the minute you post something, it's everyone's business regardless of your privacy setting. I kept talking about him in the present tense and my darling Samantha sunshine very honestly and genuinely told me that I need to stop that. She said it with such a caring and genuine tone that it struck a chord in me and now I'm being very honest about it--when it comes up anyways. Ashley confirmed this and you know Ashley is my ride or die friend. Hate that term but that's the most accurate way to describe our friendship. 

I caught myself staring at my dads pic on my sisters Facebook and couldn't help but just miss him all over again. As if it was the first time. With football season in full effect and his birthday was just on Sunday, my heart is heavy. I felt ridiculous for being as upset as I am about him and now I don't care what anyone thinks. He was an amazing father to my sisters and me and an amazing husband to my mom. Not perfect because who is? I miss him terribly. TERRIBLY. 

But am lucky to have the rest of the girls in my family and my supportive friends around. There's a silly quote from one of my favorite authors that says "the stars are always out. Sometimes we just can't see them" 

I Gotta Get Through This

She who does not watch movies aka me (not b/c I don't like them, I just never get around to them) is about to quote a movie.

Mrs. Doubtfire. Not exactly your academy award winner full of beautiful cinematography or a highly developed complex script but there's this quote Robin Williams says and it's ringing true to me more and more every day:"Did you ever wish you could sometimes freeze frame a moment in your day, look at it and say "this is not my life"?

Yep.

I can't shake this terrible feeling of wanting to just be left alone. I don't think I've talked to anyone all weekend. I keep fantasizing of just running away--but of course would tell my family where I was. God knows that they've been through enough, I wouldn't do something so asshole-ish and put them through more grief. I actually got to the point where I looked up a hotel/flight/car from here to Amsterdam because I wanted to go on a bender and if you're going to do it, why not go big? 

Unfortunately a next day flight (i looked on fri) was in the ball park of $12,000. I considered selling my car. Then I realized, I don't actually own it yet so that's not gonna happen and sadly, that's the most expensive asset I have. Or would have if I owned it. Other than that I have two guitars and a skateboard and somehow I don't think that would get me far. 

My friends, ah my friends. I love. Love love love. All little angels who've been there for me this year. Every year but this shitty year especially. Full of problem solving, hang in there, words of advice. If I were in their position I'd be doing the same too. The thing is is that it's not them its me. It's best described in this blog--read all of it if you're so inclined but if not, just scroll down until you get to the part/cartoon about the fish and that is EXACTLY me. 

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

My insomnia is getting unreal. Usually a benedryl or shot of nyquil does the trick but the hangover next morning is disasterous so I can only save that for the weekends. And then it seems pointless because I can sleep however late I want to or at least wake up and take a nap later if needed. 

I hate carrying all this baggage with me. I hate it. Especially when I meet new people like my new coworkers and just want to shout HEY IM HAVING A TERRIBLE YEAR. My dad died, I got a flat tire on the way to his service, two more since, scratched my eye went to ER and am stuck in glasses forever, cracked my phone open chasing my dog, got laid off from a job where I was happy, ended up in ER again for an 'allergies', I'm basically being booted from a 6 year relationship and am no where near where I want to be in life in general. Please everyone just be nice to me or if you're not going to do that, please don't add anymore crap on to my crap. General public, collectively get off my nuts. Stop giving me advice and telling me to look on the bright side. I'm not actively seeking the dark side either. Just get off of my nuts. Go fuck yourself.

Blah. What am i doing..............