A Change Will Do You Good

Fuck you 2013. Go fuck yourself hard in the ass. Nothing good came from you except your end. 

May 2014 bring back the silly fun Sally we all miss--especially me. I've always had some feistiness to me but this year has been straight up depressing. I spent most of it sobbing, wanting to be alone and or pissed off.

So. Year in review:

Jan - dad went to the hospital

Feb - dad went to heaven 

Mar - funeral

April - series of unfortunate events. Flat tires, two trips to ER for me

May - Angry for no reason month

June - laid off bc I wouldn't move across the country 

July - started a new job 

Aug - crying for no reason month 

Sept - leave me alone month 

Oct - trying to snap out of it month

Nov - I don't care month

Dec - No holiday spirit month. Not even unhappy with holidays--literally just not noticing the difference between one month and another 

What a negative year in review. I'm sure I can do this again with a more positive spin. I just don't care to.

I'm ridiculously excited for this year to end and refuse to do anything to celebrate it. BUH BYE!

True...

Kind of a betch move but I have to say this in regards to my recent Facebook newsfeed:

1. After months and possibly years of watching you upload every moment of your offsprings life...Your kid... Is kinda <very> ugly. Thought time would help but...nahhh it didn't. 

2. Wow. He/she/they got fat/look old as hell. Feeling pretty good here. 

3. I thought that was an awkward family photo at first and then realized it was legit...

4. Way to photoshop your selfie. Ain't nobody who seen you in the past few months believe you look like that

5. OMG please tell me I didn't "like" that picture or status--I have fat fingers and was just scrolling through. 

Give a Little Respect to Me

I swear sometimes I feel like I'm thirteen going on thirty--particularly when it comes to boys and girls being platonic friends. People constantly tell me that there's no such thing but I vehemently disagree. 

It's such an awkward place to be to have straight guy friends who have significant others and almost none of them like me or care to have a friendship with me outside of their man. Part of me is like your loss bc I'm the perfect friend for you. I'm fiercely loyal and if some slutbag tried to make a move on your boyfriend when you're not there I would tell her to fuck off and that he has someone in his life already. 

And yet I kind of get it, meaning I get not wanting to have someone of the opposite sex be your boyfriends friend. But it's like 1. I'm not a Victoria's Secret model. It's not like I'm some super hot hottie that makes you self conscious or whatever. I'm short and quirky-- not tall and sexy. 2.I have no intention on stealing your man and he is not interested in me either. I'm not one of those girls who's going to say "if I wanted him I'd already have him " bc frankly that's stupid and I don't want him. 3. I have never hooked up with any of my guy friends. 4. Karma is a bitch and is so very real--why would I want to encourage getting bad karma? 5. Get to know me. You may not like me and we may not be BFF but you'll know I'm not that kind of girl nor do I care to be. 

Unfortunately, I feel like this has caused a rift btw my guy friends and me. I feel like a secret friend....lots of harmless texts and calls but no face time alone or without significant other. They are welcome to come but not if they're going to throw daggers at me all night verbally or with looks. I can see and likely hearing you whispering and I know you want me to hear and disappear. 

I'm also not going to disrespect you either. As one of my best friends told me this weekend, and to use her words I have no vested interest in this situation. All three of these situations that are currently playing out. 

Fact check before you point fingers and while you're at it, who are you really mad at? Me who has not done anything or yourself for your blatant insecurity? 

Cuz We Need a Little Controversy

Ok enough of the sappy blogs and back to my sassy self. So let's talk football--specially my team. Yeah we won today but I'm still not happy but that's another issue. 

Dan Snyder and important NFL people--DO NOT change the name of the team. It would be fucking ridiculous in a terrible sort of way. Like why after all these years are the protesters pushing especially hard to change it this year? Go play in traffic. 

In NO WAY do I support racism and I get why people would be offended but my bigger issue is what's with the sudden push now? Not to say there wasn't a push for it before but im definitely hearing a lot more about it this year. The logo is tasteful and people who are redskins fans are die hard fans-- not die hard racists. 

What exactly are you trying to accomplish? Because frankly if you're trying to get rid of the term you're only going to make it be said even more because people will constantly refer to the team as formerly the Redskins. Like remember when Prince became The Artist/squiggly thing? Yeah people still called his ass prince sooooo.... 

If it's money that you want, then just bloody well say so. Would you still give a shot if we threw some money your way? Likely not, let's be real. And do you think people are going to suddenly burn all of their merch bc of the name? Um, no. If anyone of the fans burn their memorabilia, it's gonna bc the team is sucking. People are always going to wear the Redskins gear so what-- you wanna go to each fans house and take their merch? Not happening dude. 

And what about the redskins cowboys rivalry? Will it now be the cowboys and... What? Warriors? Lame.

Also lame? Changing the name. Why don't we just stop celebrating thanksgiving too? Stupid? Yeah so is changing the name. 

So don't. That's the best and only argument.

Earth Angel

Another sappy birthday blog. I didn't realize how close together two of my "siblings" birthdays were! 

Big time happy birthday to my my non best friend, Ashley. I don't even know where to begin... First things fist I suppose. Everyone needs a friend like Ashley--period. Even if it's your only friend in life, you would be lucky and it would be the only person you need. It would be that friend who would truly never judge you, even if they had their own opinions, be your life cheerleader who would genuinely be happy when something good would happen to you and not in a bitchy fake way, tell you to quit being a bitch if you were being one, be a shoulder to cry on, come pick your drunk ass up, have a crazy fun time partying with, feel your pain as if it were their own, push you to be a better you, unquestionably cut a bitch for you, pick you up when you've fallen, teach you things, inspire you without even realizing it--I mean literally an all in one. 

My family ADORES her and she's basically an extra member and everyone who knows us knows that. As nice as my family is, they are picky as fuck so that should speak volumes of her character.

Even though we've known each other longer than since back in 2006, let's just take it back to that year that solidified our existence in each other's life. I've never laughed so hard (or cried so hard) and drank so much--if there was a party, you likely saw us there or we were hosting it. Neither of us had jobs for a good bit of that year being newly graduates, but that never stopped us from having the time of our lives while we looked. And hell at that point we were literally neighbors so how sweet was that set up??? 

We both made huge mistakes in love, enjoyed many nights doing karaoke, stupid crash diets, went to a ridiculous amount of house parties, straight bars, gay bars, Ashley would play video games while acting as my shrink as I tried to figure out my life and love life, went to florida, worked odd jobs, smoked cigs while doing cardio--we were a hot ass mess but adorably so. Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton are lucky there wasn't a camera crew following Ashley and me around bc it was wildly entertaining and for no reason--sometimes there doesn't have to be. 

Flash forward to now where we both have jobs, dont get to party with each other, really grown into ourselves--we are real life grown ups! But yet get us on the phone together or in person and were still the same smart and silly girls we were back then. 

We've had share of personal tragedies and I know for my own, I can't imagine having anyone else there for me. How much of an angel is Ashley that when my dad passed away, instead of my family telling me themselves, they called her first to tell me.  She picked me up from work, held my hand the whole time--just everything I needed when I couldn't think function or breathe. 

I never have to question if Ashley will be there for me--it's a given. I'm constantly amazed by my amazing friend. She has been through SOOOOOO much in her life but is still one of THE MOST thoughtful, kind hearted, selfless people I know. The things that people don't think of--she does! We knew of someone who didn't drink so when having a party, Ashley would buy other juices and sodas in addition to the mixers for drinkers. When my sister was really sick, she made this superfun get well bag filled with all of her fav candies and Spanish people magazine hahaha I mean her kind heart is limitless and genuine but don't get it confused--cross her and... Well let's just say you don't want to cross her. 

She's insanely talented at basically everything ever and is quick to teach and help other who don't get it aka the rest of us. Her positivity energy and well energy in general is infectious. She's bold and not afraid to be who she is and what she is is freaking awesome. 

Love my non ridiculously so, and hope she continues to love laugh and live it up into her 30s as she did in years past. 

Ashley--you really are an earth angel and I'm so lucky to have u in my life. 

Tangled

I just love this little guy. He is that little mouse that wakes up in the beginning of Cinderella and then sees his tail all knotted up and does a double take before he grumpily undoes the tangles. Basically not that different from how I wake up only replace tail with hair. 

I feel like there's something wrong with the universe because it's eerily quiet in my end. But then, it could just be the way of the world. I was watching the skins vs broncos game after a sbux date with Ktj and bc it was literally painful to watch the game, I some how ended up watching a few minutes of oprah. There was this lady who in the audience who said that she was doing everything she could to make her dream happen, though not specifying what it was. Oprah understood (uhhhh duh she's Oprah) and told her own (no pun intended) story. Long story short, she wanted any part if they movie the color purple, whether it was holding a light or walking by as an extra. She was obsessed and went to a fat farm to lose weight to perhaps increase her chances. She didn't hear anything from the movie and finally she gave up and, as it usually goes in these types of stories, the minute she did, she got the call. 

You hear those types of stories all the time and you roll your eyes and it's like pfffft right. Go fuck yourself. Bc you're sooooo tangled up in the shit life's thrown at you but I've got to say, there is some truth in that. It's hard to explain... It's like when people say when you stop trying to look for a girlfriend or boyfriend is when you meet mr/ms right. And it's kinda true. 

I noticed that one thing I let go has actually made life easier so if I could just do that with others... It's so damn hard but in the spirit of being true to my resolution of eving fearless, I'll continue.

And setting a MUCH easier goal for next year...

There Goes My Hero

Ok so Nigel's not really my hero but he is kinda one of them! This is my big brother and I'm sure u can tell that we look an awful lot alike. Last night was his bday and it was a pajama themed bday party like whaaa? That's the best theme party. When I got home I literally just crawled into bed like this. 

Nigel has been one of my best friends since college when we met in a journalism class and I was working part time at pacsun and doing promotions for bands for a small amount of money that was like gold to a poor college kid. I gave him some and other class mates stuff from the band a perfect circle (I promoted lots of bands but that week it was them) and we started talking from that point on. 

He was truly a big bro--walking me to my car at night or staying on the phone with me, yelling at me to chose a longer skirt and informing boys that I was his little sister while wagging his finger. He's kept me calm on the highway which I'm Terrified of or would drive bc he knew I was. 

All of this sounds lovely but there was a time our friendship wasn't so lovely. I was constantly getting annoyed with him.  I can't even really remember why nor should I publicize it but I was TOTALLY done with our friendship. Being the ever fiesty girl I am, I told him that I didn't want to be friends and could care less if we ever spoke again in life. Ouch. But even then he was more mature about it than I was and let me know if I wanted to continue our friendship ever, he'd be there. 

Obviously we ended up making up and it was proof that he was a true friend and I made a great decision. He never tires of saying he's always right but he didn't say it that day we made up but he was actually right that our friendship was valuable. And we both never spoke of it again.

Now with my dad gone and no brothers to speak of and not being in a real relationship, it's weird not having any male figures around so I look to my male friends with Nigel obviously being the lead to me. 

I'm lucky to have all of my friends really and this year has been a disaster but I truly appreciate everyone who has been there for me. Even the ones I don't get to see or talk to often like Anna or Hannah or Janel or Linds and Erine --I can't express how much friendships and unconditional love have been instrumental in keeping me sane and I actually get it when people say they are blessed instead of rolling my eyes and being like yeah ok. 

Back to Nigel, he had a big goofy grin and couldn't stop talking about how happy he was with all of his close friends and family and lovely gf in attendance. My wish for him is to have that kind smile everyday. And all the rest of u too. 

Bullet with Butterfly Wings

The name of my blog isn't quite relevant to what I'm about to write. Honestly? I just want to show off my pumpkin and have a pumpkin relevant song so Smashing Pumpkins it is. 

It's supposed to be hello kitty as a witch holding a broom stick--the bristles being above her signature bow. I've never carved a pumpkin and didn't use a stencil and this it came out pretty darn well. Ironically I don't really like hello kitty stuff but with my new obsession with wearing a single bow in my hair and having a wide pale face makes people tell me I look like her. Gee thanks. Hahah 

Odd little stream of consciousness but I realized today how obsessed with music I am. I by no means care to be the voice have the x-factor nor want to be your next American idol or show America I've got talent bc truthfully I don't. I can hold a tune and play a number of songs on the guitar and dance occasionally on rhythm but a musical genius I am not. Not fishing for compliments--it's just the truth of the matter. Doesn't stop me from belting out a tune or choppily playing a song on my guitar. 

I wish there was a job where I could just do all thing a music--choose the songs that go in the background of TV shows and movies, make a music game, I could talk to strangers all day long about music, reminisce about songs, find out what songs are really about, make playlists, the list goes on and on. I love checking out new music, hearing people's opinions about music-it's all fascinating to me. Between music and writing I don't know which would win. But at the same time don't want to be a music journalist bc I am but a simple girl who couldn't tell you about the nuances and deal with the expected criticism of my taste. Like the pathetic no lifers who post comments on anything on the internet which is why I do that've comments on this blog. 

I just insanely have passion for music. Good bad and indifferent. Today I heard mr. Bigs next to be with you and forgot about traffic all together, almost walked out at a bar that was playing Creed, and harassed my older sister with the what is your top three favorite song questions.

Ok let's see how I can make myself relevant to the blog title... Well for one, I certainly do feel like a bullet with butterfly wings. Moving at Mach speed but having butterfly wings to add a feminine touch and could potentially just flutter around aimlessly if I so choose. Sorry that's probably not what the song means at all but whatever.

K-goodnight! 

Stupid girls stuuuuupid girls

Sadly I'm that stupid girl in question. I'm feeling extra dumb lately and can't turn it off. 

Ex 1: Shopping at target and the clerk politely asked what I needed help finding and I said spoons and lighters without thinking. Totally got a judgmental look but polite service and no further questions asked. And then I realized I sounded like a heroin addict. Merp. 

Ex 2: I couldn't for the life of me figure out why it's taking so damn long for me to break in my new shoes especially the right shoe. I slipped it off my foot bent the shoe around the part where the toes were and even stuck my hand in the shoe for good measure and upon piling my hand out realized that it still had the cardboard to help keep the shoes shape in it. And I realized I'm a moron. Merp.

Ex 3: I took a screen shot to show a friend my shattered phone. I could not Figure out why the shattered part didn't show up. And then I realized bc it's not fucking supposed to take a pic of ur actual phone or the physical screen. Merp. 

I could go on but will refrain and hope you all still read my blogs even if they are from a stupid bt at least good humored and honest girl. 

It's Not Right, But its Okay

I don't know why that song reminds me of one of my best friends, Megan but I'm sure there's some insanely funny only to us story behind it. 

So what's not right but okay is me missing my dad. I've been super public about it on my blog but I know not everyone reads it and its certainly not Facebook where the minute you post something, it's everyone's business regardless of your privacy setting. I kept talking about him in the present tense and my darling Samantha sunshine very honestly and genuinely told me that I need to stop that. She said it with such a caring and genuine tone that it struck a chord in me and now I'm being very honest about it--when it comes up anyways. Ashley confirmed this and you know Ashley is my ride or die friend. Hate that term but that's the most accurate way to describe our friendship. 

I caught myself staring at my dads pic on my sisters Facebook and couldn't help but just miss him all over again. As if it was the first time. With football season in full effect and his birthday was just on Sunday, my heart is heavy. I felt ridiculous for being as upset as I am about him and now I don't care what anyone thinks. He was an amazing father to my sisters and me and an amazing husband to my mom. Not perfect because who is? I miss him terribly. TERRIBLY. 

But am lucky to have the rest of the girls in my family and my supportive friends around. There's a silly quote from one of my favorite authors that says "the stars are always out. Sometimes we just can't see them" 

I Gotta Get Through This

She who does not watch movies aka me (not b/c I don't like them, I just never get around to them) is about to quote a movie.

Mrs. Doubtfire. Not exactly your academy award winner full of beautiful cinematography or a highly developed complex script but there's this quote Robin Williams says and it's ringing true to me more and more every day:"Did you ever wish you could sometimes freeze frame a moment in your day, look at it and say "this is not my life"?

Yep.

I can't shake this terrible feeling of wanting to just be left alone. I don't think I've talked to anyone all weekend. I keep fantasizing of just running away--but of course would tell my family where I was. God knows that they've been through enough, I wouldn't do something so asshole-ish and put them through more grief. I actually got to the point where I looked up a hotel/flight/car from here to Amsterdam because I wanted to go on a bender and if you're going to do it, why not go big? 

Unfortunately a next day flight (i looked on fri) was in the ball park of $12,000. I considered selling my car. Then I realized, I don't actually own it yet so that's not gonna happen and sadly, that's the most expensive asset I have. Or would have if I owned it. Other than that I have two guitars and a skateboard and somehow I don't think that would get me far. 

My friends, ah my friends. I love. Love love love. All little angels who've been there for me this year. Every year but this shitty year especially. Full of problem solving, hang in there, words of advice. If I were in their position I'd be doing the same too. The thing is is that it's not them its me. It's best described in this blog--read all of it if you're so inclined but if not, just scroll down until you get to the part/cartoon about the fish and that is EXACTLY me. 

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

My insomnia is getting unreal. Usually a benedryl or shot of nyquil does the trick but the hangover next morning is disasterous so I can only save that for the weekends. And then it seems pointless because I can sleep however late I want to or at least wake up and take a nap later if needed. 

I hate carrying all this baggage with me. I hate it. Especially when I meet new people like my new coworkers and just want to shout HEY IM HAVING A TERRIBLE YEAR. My dad died, I got a flat tire on the way to his service, two more since, scratched my eye went to ER and am stuck in glasses forever, cracked my phone open chasing my dog, got laid off from a job where I was happy, ended up in ER again for an 'allergies', I'm basically being booted from a 6 year relationship and am no where near where I want to be in life in general. Please everyone just be nice to me or if you're not going to do that, please don't add anymore crap on to my crap. General public, collectively get off my nuts. Stop giving me advice and telling me to look on the bright side. I'm not actively seeking the dark side either. Just get off of my nuts. Go fuck yourself.

Blah. What am i doing..............

Somebody to Love

Lord in heaven! I just checked out match.com (didn't actually sign up. just creeped around to see what the norms were) and dear God in Heaven i'm in a world of trouble. I was considering joining the craze (everyone i know who's single is all about match and grouper) for various reasons: plain curiosity of what it's like/what's out there, needing to shake things up in my world and I had intentions of possibly joining but now those intentions are almost in my rear view mirror after seeing what I saw. I'm not going to dog on the guys b/c they're on there too with the same intentions I'm sure. Find somebody to love and hopefully loves them back (well and hopefully not just there for a booty call. i'm pretty sure that's what Tinder and OK Cupid are for).

It was like a giant conglomerate of people who were not my type, whether it was looks or what they wrote in their profile and in all fairness, I am absolutely not their type either.

And the cliches ahhhhhhhhhhhh the cliches. EVERYONE is a nerd at heart and EVERYONE likes going out but also quiet nights in and EVERYONE likes trying new things and likes all kinds of musics and running and puppies and their families blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Blah.

And the way I am judging these people is the same way I know I'm going to be judged to which only sky rockets my anxiety to an unreal level. It's ridiculous.

I'm not the kind of person who can date more than one person at a time. I'm absolutely not against it--in fact I wish I could. I feel like I'm more of the date one person at a time thing. Sure it will take a lot longer to find the right  one but it's just a comfort thing I guess.

What in ball sack am I going to do?

If I do move forward, I will likely send my closest friends my username password and let them run the show and just show up for said date here and there. I feel like that would be super awesome and convenient and smart but then it's not building the rapport I ought to be.

And I hit up my younger sister and just shared with her the same things I just did and while she sympathized with a lot, she also said "stop looking at the negative things before anything's even happened yet!"

Fair.

....but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop.

Maybe I'll hit up the creepy old guy from eharmony and see if he has any better prospects for me.

You..Doing That Thing You Do

Breakin my heart into a million pieces...like you always doooooooooo.....

Not relevant to the blog ahead but it's impossible to sing that first line without singing the following line. Though.. you might not be at that part of the song. Whoops. Whatever.

Anyways.

I promised to upload more emoticon songs but laziness washed over and I haven't done it. Maybe over the long weekend.

What I have done is realize that watching over a pet is literally like having a child. I'm watching my sister's dog (well tech he's family now but it's hers) and waking up early to walk him and racing home to walk him has been stressful to the point where i know I'm absolutely not ready for kids. Period. I lucked out that he is perfect and didn't pee or anything else in the house and when I went to the gym after work, I definitely banged out 3 miles in just barely under 20 minutes b/c I knew the little furball was at home waiting for me. I felt guilty, annoyed, needed and loved. I imagine parents feel the same way.

So...for those who know me, i've always had a love for all things creative. It's the one thing in life I'm good at. I don't mean that in a self deprecating give me a compliment sorta way. It's more of a fact. Think of your friend who is the best dancer, singer, athlete, best looking, most charismatic, most successful--chances are you didn't name me.  Shit. I wouldn't name me either. But when it comes to writing and a crazy love for music, you better think of me. I make up silly shit and send it along or I tell some crazy story I got tangled up in and the first thing people always say to me is, why do you work for corporate America? You don't belong there. I've heard that from countless friends but more shockingly so, from very high level important types at companies that I've worked at before who insist I do a great job in the corporate world but can't for the life of them figure out why I'm still doing it. And why I haven't sold my worldly goods and become a starving writer. Um hello? B/c i don't want to be a starving writer, duh. haha

I dont know. I dont know. I dont know.

Actually.

I do know.

It's because I tried insanely hard and it didn't pan out. I'm bright enough to have that mundane job and do what I love to do on the side where I don't feel pressured and can do what i want. And then people hit me with the, you can still do what you want AND make a decent living doing that. Sure. Just tell Aladdin to pass the lamp over when his greedy ass is done.

Still.. I dont know. It almost feels like a backhanded compliment (lack of better term). On one hand you're telling me i'm a rockstar in the business world but on the other, you can see that it's not what i SHOULD be doing. WTF does that mean. I show up to work at least 15-20 minutes early every day, never take a lunch break and take my work very seriously (maybe too much so). So how can they tell that it doesn't feed my corny artist soul? I don't bitch and whine about whatever job I'm in (well...not publicly) and I dont walk around like Eeyore ("thanks for noticing me..."). So what gives?

I'm just doing what I do to get by. I don't feel special or like the only one out there that does this or goes through this. Do you think every fry cook, paper pusher, fancy titled job person thought they'd be doing what they are? Likely not. But there's this very real place called THE REAL WORLD (not mtv) and bills and houses and grown up shit (401ks and benefits and what not).

Maybe i'll finally finish the book I've been meaning to finish for...the past 5 years or so.

I dont know.

I dont really even know why I felt the need to blog or share any of this as it's not especially entertaining or enlightening.

I guess I'm just mystified about how much I've heard lately congrats on the new job and why are you with corporate america still with the talent you have soooooooooooo painfully much this month I just dont know how to take it.

Til next time, I guess I'm just gonna keep doing that thing i do.

And These Foolish Games... (Part I)

It's funny just how true it is that quality totally kicks quantity's ass. In this particular case, I'm referring to the years I've been friends with these two guys I've known for just over a year and a half or so give or take a few and they've become immediate staples in my life. Like if I won some contest that was a free trip + bring friends or hit the jackpot and went to go party and celebrate, these two guys (and their respective ladies!) would undoubtedly be on the list. Silliness, loyalty and sincerity go a long way in my book and these two guys have it down. They did the impossible by being the first ones to make me smile after my dad died (i'm sure it would've been a laugh vs a smile but given my previous statement NOTHING was going to make me laugh) and just made going to work something to look forward to b/c I was excited to see my friends.

Okay now that the mushy ass-kissing back-story part is done, let's get into the fun stuff. 

We started playing this absurd game via emoticons spelling (emoting??) song lyrics and I have to say (and obviously share) that the shit we came up with is brilliant and hilarious. We're all music fanatics (nerds) and this game cracks me up (not just because I started it--yes...queen nerd).

Scroll through and see if you can guess the song. There are tons more (mostly my fault haha) but i'll upload in batches b/c cropping out our private convos is a giant pain in the ass but that shit's none of anyone's business (which now saying that makes it sound like we're Pinky and The Brain style trying to take over the universe but it's just mostly chatter you all wouldn't know or care about).

Oh and don't jack our shit but feel free to share or start your own chain. I'd love to see it!

I've Got One Hand in My Pocket

And the other one is giving THE FINGER. I'm so blown by how this year has turned out. WTF. WWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT THE FUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. Before it was comical and amusing when I ran into crazy situations and now it's annoying and embarrassing. SO very embarassing. It's embarrassing to the point where I don't want to see or talk to anyone. Even the people I really like. ESPECIALLY the people that I like because frankly,  I dont want to Eeyore or Charlie Brown anyone. It's not fair to you all and it's just not fun to tell b/c at some point it sounds like hi my name is sally. i am the victim. of everything. EVER. in life.

If it was physically possible for me to fit under my bed--I would hide there for an unspecified amount of time (not even sure my lil dog can..yes I have a family dog that I dont talk about obsessively or ever b/c I've had people monologue to me about their canines and it's...just annoying).

I caught part of The Actors Studio and one of my favorite questions is "When you arrive at the pearly gates, what would you want to hear God say?" I toyed with several witty and funny and sincere answers but I think at this point all of that is out the window and simply put, I would want him to say "You made it kiddo. I told you it would be worth it."

And Belinda Carlyle you lying bitch, heaven is NOT a place on Earth.

Looking Back on the Things I've Done

The past 30 days has been one gigantic blur and all I want to do is cry. Tears of happiness, relief, sadness and just from being plain ol' tired. After this weekend I'm officially hiding under a rock for at least two weeks.

I feel like I haven't had one minute to myself. I'm at work around others, in the car driving on the road with others, come home to others, at the gym with others, talk on the phone/text/email with others... I truly haven't had a moment alone. Not really a complaint because as snarkalicious as I am, I'm still appreciative and grateful.

Sometimes, I think to myself--I don't deserve this. This meaning my friends, family and coworkers present and past (who also turn into the blurred lines of friendfamilycoworker all mashed up together--and that's not bad at all. Mashed things are delicious. Potatoes, applesauce and surprisingly cauliflower and actually when you mash up strawberries with some balsamic vinegar...sorry I dont know how i got foodtracked but i'm sure watching 2 hours of Chopped doesn't help.) I can be such a fucking diva bitch nightmare and I literally don't know how people let it go or still talk to me in life. But they do... And in all fairness, I put up with others' complete and utter unexplained insanity. Way of the world eh?

I guess there's not much of a point to this blog other than pure pensiveness and nostalgia. One of my closest and dearest friends was recently in the hospital and the last thing in the world I wanted to do was also the first thing in the world I wanted to do and that was to be there for Aisha. She would TOTALLY be there for me no questions asked. I didn't want to go or be there at all and mixed myself up into a total anxious ball of Sally. I literally broke out into hives during my last half an hour at work. One giant hive on my face and some hives peppered on my arm that i covered with a cardigan. I wanted to barf and fall asleep at the same time--you'd think I was drunk! And of course being that i dont drink (rarely as in one drink in a year) and given that fact that I was at work I wasn't but dude, really--it was bad.

Naturally, the avoidance of wanting to go being directly related to thinking of my dad. I hate it that he didn't make it out of the hospital. Well I guess technically he did--he made it into another world but selfish mortal that I am, I wanted and still want him here.

All that being said, I looked at my faux bro (we're not blood related but shoot might as well be) and started to say how much I didn't want to be there and explain why as to not sound like an asshole. Nigel cut me off and put his arms around me and all he said was "i know. you dont need to explain" and went we walked down the hallway to go see Aisha, I thought I was going to pass out. I kept balling up my fists and Nigel put his arm around me again and didn't let go until he knew I was going to be okay. I didn't ask him to--he just did. It's things like that make me take a step back and think...of all the terrible tantrums I've thrown and how I'm kinda an asshole who probably doesn't deserve this person as a friend. Not Nigel specifically but any in general. Then I think about the nice shit i've done and i hope and pray it all shakes out in the end and that I do that for others too.

Random--I'm sitting here with the window open and it's too cold. It's August and too cold already?? While i'd like nothing more than to be DONE with this year I actually came across a nice quote--If life hands you poop, turn it into manure and make pretty flowers. Life has shit on me the first half of the year so I'm hoping the second half will make me one giant beautiful fuckin' flower. Maybe a wild flower? Or a sunflower. I dont love sunflowers but those bitches get tall from what I hear so bring on the sun--I'm good on the manure.

Time.

Time--it let's you know what point of the day it is and a crappy Hootie and the Blowfish song.

They say it heals all. They also say that it's short. It's also precious I'm told. What else they neglected to mention that I would like to make crystal clear today is that while people are obsessing over money and power, time is literally one of the few things in life that once it's gone, it is GONE my friends. You can NOT get it back. You can earn more money or be given money or whatever and power you can lose and possibly regain but time is a done deal. It is what it is.

That being said, time has been on my mind for three specific reasons lately.

1.) Dad. I feel like I'm slowing starting to do better but it' s not easy. Recently I changed jobs and naturally when you get to know your co-workers, typically if you're in the 'younger' crowd, people ask about your family, specifically parents. I haven't breathed a word to them and really don't plan on it. I've glossed over it and speak about him in the present tense (habit) but keep it light and keep it moving. Luckily, no one pushes it. I've always heard about when people pass away people say that they think of their departed loved ones literally every day. It's not that I didn't believe it before but experiencing it first hand is like... a whole new understanding. It's nuts. It doesn't bog down my day or anything but every day I can't help but think of my dad and wish he was still alive--father's day almost killed me with grief.

2.) My new commute. There's literally nothing I can do about it b/c more then pure volume of cars, it's the traffic light ever 2 feet thing. My first week I was BUGGIN the fuck OUT. But as I said earlier, there's nothing you can really do about time. Now i'm using that time as time to call others and catch up that way, sing in my car or just regroup. Granted there is a good bit of ugliness that escapes my mouth when people drive like morons which happens EVERYDAY but I'm kinda proud that I haven't let this hellish commute deter me from moving forward in my career. I know what the commute is so thinking of new ways to not pay attention to the time is helpful..and i'm definitely open to more suggestions haha talking on my phone (via bluetooth in the car which i feel like EVERYONE should have) or books on tape (which i need to find/buy) have been helpful. Also singing. But yeah open to more suggestions haha

3.) INCONSIDERATE/IGNORANCE ABOUT TIME. Look I get it. Shit happens and you're late. Traffic sucks, your dog gets sick, metro is down, weird freakish accident etc. Happens to all of us. ALL OF US.Or you're just by nature a late person. BUT. Guess what, your shit happens pass is only valid once or twice per season on a case by case scenario. And if you're late by nature GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER LIKE AN ADULT because guess what? You end up wasting my fucking time which i SINCERELY don't appreciate. I'll accept fault in that I don't let people know just how badly it irritates me but I think I need to start showing people the diva bitch because THIS diva bitch is SICK of people WASTING my time. Because YOU wasting my time, also makes ME waste other people's time. So if you're 15-30 minutes late, my plans AFTER YOU are now going to be pushed. Don't waste my time PERIOD. I'm fortunate to have a lot of people in my life that I can hang out with and spend time with but YOU being a selfish ASSHOLE and holding my shit up, fucks up my day time wise. In all fairness a majority of the time, the people who have to be pushed back understand it's not my fault but that's not going to get their time back nor is it mine. I always try to be considerate and give notice if I even THINK im going to be late. Learn to do the same. If not, guess what, you're totally getting bumped off my list or I will hang out with you very rarely. And it's not b/c i'm a diva bitch--i think everyone else should bump you off their list too until you can GROW UP. Like for fuck's sake it's not that hard. I guess I'm mostly irritated by this because I keep getting the short stick and this hasn't ruined friendships and i would like to think it won't be a deal breaker but i've had this happen to me more this summer than any other time. Like I'm not trippin out about 10-15 and maaybe 20 minutes. And i'm not calculating the time that I waited if i got somewhere early (i.e. if we said we'd meet at 1pm and I get there at 12:45pm. My diva bitch clock doesn't start until 1pm or even 1:10pm.). I'm talking 30 minutes plus. Are you fucking kidding me? No longer so b/c this bitch don't find it funny. Get a watch bitches. Look at your mutha fuckin' phone.

Time is all that's guaranteed in life. Period.

Love in a Hopeless Place

Big bomb to drop on everyone last post and trust me it was about as much fun to write as it was to read but I digress.

Still in hermit crab mode but wanted to peek out from the shell and try to highlight somethings that i love so I dont end up going crazy with grief and become some crazy cat lady who eats light bulbs.

Lets keep it to twenty things I love but not in order and not top twenty.

Go:

* Looking back at old pictures even as "old" as last year of friends family or moments i totally forgot about
* When the barista at Sbux draws a heart or smiley face on my cup
* Listening to old mixed cds
* The Golden Girls
* Getting an amazing parking spot
* The cashier says that something was on sale that you didnt realize ie me yesterday with a pair of shoes
* Running farther or working out harder than intended
* Thoughtful surprises from others
* Singing in the car whether alone or with friends
* Fuji apple chicken salads with baguette from Panera
* Flowers
* Fluffy soft blankets
* Hearing from old friends
* New make up even if its just a replacement of your depleted usual
* Opening the door to go to work and its warm out
* I dont frequent 711 but love how they all smell the same no matter what state or city youre in haha
* Chopped marathons on Food Network
* Discovering new music
* Green tea
* Smell of coconut

Well. That was easier to do than I thought! A little corny but my blog and my world needed some light. Try it too or at least think about it.

Til next time
Xoxo

Nothing More Than Feelings

Let's cut to the chase. My father passed away Thursday afternoon. I now forever hate Thursdays, that time of the afternoon and Februarys. I understand now why it's the shortest month of the year. No fuckin' wonder why the romans, greeks, mayans, or whoever constructed the calendar made it a short month with a goofy name and goofier spelling.

Some people cry to grieve. Some people drink their faces off or chain smoke or over eat or don't eat. My special way of dealing with this is to cry spontaneously (it really is a gift), avoid seeing people I love to the best of my ability, not talking about it and eat normally but barf shortly thereafter. Brag,  brag, brag. That's what I do.

This is all very incredibly personal so I'm sure the question, why blog about it is lingering in your mind. It's because I'm a giant fuckin' nerd and while some people run to relieve stress or drink or knit or read or watch TV or whatever--mine is writing. I'm not great at a lot of things in life but this is a solid win for me.

I'm not gonna focus on my complete shattering devastation of it all, but instead, focus on the reaction. Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. Or maybe it's 1% and 99%. I dont know. You all know i've never been very good at math at all despite indications (i.e. my race) that would indicate otherwise. All I have to say about my reaction and feeling is that I'm fully aware that I'm in denial and avoiding much thought about this. I'm acting normal and implore those around me to do the same with me because I'm much happier avoiding it all together.

What I will say is that there is a lot to be learned from dealing with all of this. You learn who you are and who you're not. You learn about friends you have and those you thought were close to you but maybe aren't. Or maybe they still are and aren't great at words of sympathy or whatever. Is there really any "right" thing to say? It's awkward and I understand.

I am sorry I haven't said anything to 95% of my friends. I'm glad I told the 5%. Collectively, I know people want me to talk about it and want to ask questions but i literally can't right now and maybe never will be able to.

For those who know, I am completely touched and can't even formulate the right words to say how much I am truly grateful for love and support. My best friends are amazing and I hope everyone has friends like that around them, even if it's just one. I have one that has been... even more of a rockstar that I already thought they were. I have two newer friends who cracked the impossible and made me laugh almost all weekend long with their silly (or silky according to autocorrect) texts and sincerity. The others who know, have been phenomenal and even though I feel like...well I feel shitty quite frankly, I feel beyond lucky to have so many earth angels around me. Now i have one in heaven. I wish he wasn't there but if he can't be with me and the family, then heaven surely isn't a bad alternative.

I feel numb, sad, devastated, lucky, confused, furious, regretful, annoyed, terrified, hollow, sick, proud, fortunate, blessed, but mostly I feel an enormous void that will never be filled. I know the rest of the feelings (well the bad ones) will shake away over time but the void will never ever be filled. Ever.

Ever.

Fearless

That's the theme of my 2013. Fearless! I can't promise I'll stick to it but so far so good! Finally made it through a NYE without incident. 

2010 to 2011 I got a flat tire that night driving home. 

2011 to 2012 something like 8-10 guys walking by my car decided it was an awesome idea to hit on me and try to open my car door both driver and shot gun, sit on my car and convince me to go home with all of them innnnnnnnnnn the middle of Fairfax. So for those of you who aren't familiar with the Fax, it's the definition of safe suburbia.

 2012 to 2013...NOTHING. NOTHING! Hurray!!!!!! Hahhaha That's gotta be a good sign!

Not a good sign? That I went to Atlantic City over the weekend and it's Tuesday now but i'm still balllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllsssssssssssssssss tired. 

I wish I could publicly recap my whereabouts over the weekend but it was a company trip so my lips are sealed.

I won't leave you high and dry--what's a day with Sally w/o something totally absurd happening?

I present to you, Sally and the Hooker incident.


I was running on about 2 hours of sleep ready to get breakfast and check out of the hotel with my buddy who shall be known as Sunshine,  when the elevator stops and this disheveled looking broad is smoking a jack, drinking a martini and stands in the doorway of the elevator which keeps trying to close on her. Sunshine and I are on a time crunch but are too polite to tell the whore (literally) to move and um helloooo can't smoke in a non smoking area. Sunshine and I are smokers--we know this. Anyways, I half-heartedly hit door open and she flicks her cigarette menacingly at us and then spins around to finally throw it out the elevator door before joining us in the elevator.
This is going to be comfortable...
She turns to us and says Thanks bitches. You bitches couldn't hold the elevator?
Sunshine's face darkened and she muttered something to the effect of no we were holding open for you, shakes her head and then buries her face in her phone.
Hooker looks at me and says "Sos (yes as in the plural of "so") I'm a hooker right? And i just fucked 8 Russian guys! And fucked a hair dryer! And they're naked and i took pictures of alls of them! Fuckers. Try to take advantage of me but no im a smart bitch. IM A SMARRRRRRT BITCH."

I nod politely. "Yes. Yes you are."
She continues to yammer on about how her dad exploited for her body when she was 15 yrs old  blah blah blah. She also determined that i was a "smart bitch" and that im 22 years old and when i told her i was 29 she shrugged and said at least i was still firm. 
Did i mention she didn't have two front teeth and bleached out blonde hair? Yeah. She maybe weighed 7lbs maybe 7.4 lbs on a fat day. 

She also was furious that we're not instagram friends as she furiously searched for that great pic of myself i put up yesterday (um...we met in the elevator 5 minutes prior).

I swear she was following us until miracles of miracles, the phone rang and I was like omg so sorry need to get this!

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh.

Anyways. Back to fearless. 

I was exhausted most of the trip and didn't want to gamble b/c i'm poor enough as is but my work buddy definitely convinced me to play roulette. Normally I'd laugh in someone's face and suggest 5 ways they can fuck themselves if they thought I was going to waste my money like that but i looked down at my phone which says "Fearless" and put my money on the table after the dealer carded me. (Yeah i know...asian = forever 18 yrs old)

Watched the ball skip around the wheel of anxiety and...

Boom! Winner winner chicken dinner!!! A small win admittedly, but I think it's a sign of more good things to come.