Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Looking Back on the Things I've Done

The past 30 days has been one gigantic blur and all I want to do is cry. Tears of happiness, relief, sadness and just from being plain ol' tired. After this weekend I'm officially hiding under a rock for at least two weeks.

I feel like I haven't had one minute to myself. I'm at work around others, in the car driving on the road with others, come home to others, at the gym with others, talk on the phone/text/email with others... I truly haven't had a moment alone. Not really a complaint because as snarkalicious as I am, I'm still appreciative and grateful.

Sometimes, I think to myself--I don't deserve this. This meaning my friends, family and coworkers present and past (who also turn into the blurred lines of friendfamilycoworker all mashed up together--and that's not bad at all. Mashed things are delicious. Potatoes, applesauce and surprisingly cauliflower and actually when you mash up strawberries with some balsamic vinegar...sorry I dont know how i got foodtracked but i'm sure watching 2 hours of Chopped doesn't help.) I can be such a fucking diva bitch nightmare and I literally don't know how people let it go or still talk to me in life. But they do... And in all fairness, I put up with others' complete and utter unexplained insanity. Way of the world eh?

I guess there's not much of a point to this blog other than pure pensiveness and nostalgia. One of my closest and dearest friends was recently in the hospital and the last thing in the world I wanted to do was also the first thing in the world I wanted to do and that was to be there for Aisha. She would TOTALLY be there for me no questions asked. I didn't want to go or be there at all and mixed myself up into a total anxious ball of Sally. I literally broke out into hives during my last half an hour at work. One giant hive on my face and some hives peppered on my arm that i covered with a cardigan. I wanted to barf and fall asleep at the same time--you'd think I was drunk! And of course being that i dont drink (rarely as in one drink in a year) and given that fact that I was at work I wasn't but dude, really--it was bad.

Naturally, the avoidance of wanting to go being directly related to thinking of my dad. I hate it that he didn't make it out of the hospital. Well I guess technically he did--he made it into another world but selfish mortal that I am, I wanted and still want him here.

All that being said, I looked at my faux bro (we're not blood related but shoot might as well be) and started to say how much I didn't want to be there and explain why as to not sound like an asshole. Nigel cut me off and put his arms around me and all he said was "i know. you dont need to explain" and went we walked down the hallway to go see Aisha, I thought I was going to pass out. I kept balling up my fists and Nigel put his arm around me again and didn't let go until he knew I was going to be okay. I didn't ask him to--he just did. It's things like that make me take a step back and think...of all the terrible tantrums I've thrown and how I'm kinda an asshole who probably doesn't deserve this person as a friend. Not Nigel specifically but any in general. Then I think about the nice shit i've done and i hope and pray it all shakes out in the end and that I do that for others too.

Random--I'm sitting here with the window open and it's too cold. It's August and too cold already?? While i'd like nothing more than to be DONE with this year I actually came across a nice quote--If life hands you poop, turn it into manure and make pretty flowers. Life has shit on me the first half of the year so I'm hoping the second half will make me one giant beautiful fuckin' flower. Maybe a wild flower? Or a sunflower. I dont love sunflowers but those bitches get tall from what I hear so bring on the sun--I'm good on the manure.