Tangled

I just love this little guy. He is that little mouse that wakes up in the beginning of Cinderella and then sees his tail all knotted up and does a double take before he grumpily undoes the tangles. Basically not that different from how I wake up only replace tail with hair. 

I feel like there's something wrong with the universe because it's eerily quiet in my end. But then, it could just be the way of the world. I was watching the skins vs broncos game after a sbux date with Ktj and bc it was literally painful to watch the game, I some how ended up watching a few minutes of oprah. There was this lady who in the audience who said that she was doing everything she could to make her dream happen, though not specifying what it was. Oprah understood (uhhhh duh she's Oprah) and told her own (no pun intended) story. Long story short, she wanted any part if they movie the color purple, whether it was holding a light or walking by as an extra. She was obsessed and went to a fat farm to lose weight to perhaps increase her chances. She didn't hear anything from the movie and finally she gave up and, as it usually goes in these types of stories, the minute she did, she got the call. 

You hear those types of stories all the time and you roll your eyes and it's like pfffft right. Go fuck yourself. Bc you're sooooo tangled up in the shit life's thrown at you but I've got to say, there is some truth in that. It's hard to explain... It's like when people say when you stop trying to look for a girlfriend or boyfriend is when you meet mr/ms right. And it's kinda true. 

I noticed that one thing I let go has actually made life easier so if I could just do that with others... It's so damn hard but in the spirit of being true to my resolution of eving fearless, I'll continue.

And setting a MUCH easier goal for next year...

There Goes My Hero

Ok so Nigel's not really my hero but he is kinda one of them! This is my big brother and I'm sure u can tell that we look an awful lot alike. Last night was his bday and it was a pajama themed bday party like whaaa? That's the best theme party. When I got home I literally just crawled into bed like this. 

Nigel has been one of my best friends since college when we met in a journalism class and I was working part time at pacsun and doing promotions for bands for a small amount of money that was like gold to a poor college kid. I gave him some and other class mates stuff from the band a perfect circle (I promoted lots of bands but that week it was them) and we started talking from that point on. 

He was truly a big bro--walking me to my car at night or staying on the phone with me, yelling at me to chose a longer skirt and informing boys that I was his little sister while wagging his finger. He's kept me calm on the highway which I'm Terrified of or would drive bc he knew I was. 

All of this sounds lovely but there was a time our friendship wasn't so lovely. I was constantly getting annoyed with him.  I can't even really remember why nor should I publicize it but I was TOTALLY done with our friendship. Being the ever fiesty girl I am, I told him that I didn't want to be friends and could care less if we ever spoke again in life. Ouch. But even then he was more mature about it than I was and let me know if I wanted to continue our friendship ever, he'd be there. 

Obviously we ended up making up and it was proof that he was a true friend and I made a great decision. He never tires of saying he's always right but he didn't say it that day we made up but he was actually right that our friendship was valuable. And we both never spoke of it again.

Now with my dad gone and no brothers to speak of and not being in a real relationship, it's weird not having any male figures around so I look to my male friends with Nigel obviously being the lead to me. 

I'm lucky to have all of my friends really and this year has been a disaster but I truly appreciate everyone who has been there for me. Even the ones I don't get to see or talk to often like Anna or Hannah or Janel or Linds and Erine --I can't express how much friendships and unconditional love have been instrumental in keeping me sane and I actually get it when people say they are blessed instead of rolling my eyes and being like yeah ok. 

Back to Nigel, he had a big goofy grin and couldn't stop talking about how happy he was with all of his close friends and family and lovely gf in attendance. My wish for him is to have that kind smile everyday. And all the rest of u too. 

Bullet with Butterfly Wings

The name of my blog isn't quite relevant to what I'm about to write. Honestly? I just want to show off my pumpkin and have a pumpkin relevant song so Smashing Pumpkins it is. 

It's supposed to be hello kitty as a witch holding a broom stick--the bristles being above her signature bow. I've never carved a pumpkin and didn't use a stencil and this it came out pretty darn well. Ironically I don't really like hello kitty stuff but with my new obsession with wearing a single bow in my hair and having a wide pale face makes people tell me I look like her. Gee thanks. Hahah 

Odd little stream of consciousness but I realized today how obsessed with music I am. I by no means care to be the voice have the x-factor nor want to be your next American idol or show America I've got talent bc truthfully I don't. I can hold a tune and play a number of songs on the guitar and dance occasionally on rhythm but a musical genius I am not. Not fishing for compliments--it's just the truth of the matter. Doesn't stop me from belting out a tune or choppily playing a song on my guitar. 

I wish there was a job where I could just do all thing a music--choose the songs that go in the background of TV shows and movies, make a music game, I could talk to strangers all day long about music, reminisce about songs, find out what songs are really about, make playlists, the list goes on and on. I love checking out new music, hearing people's opinions about music-it's all fascinating to me. Between music and writing I don't know which would win. But at the same time don't want to be a music journalist bc I am but a simple girl who couldn't tell you about the nuances and deal with the expected criticism of my taste. Like the pathetic no lifers who post comments on anything on the internet which is why I do that've comments on this blog. 

I just insanely have passion for music. Good bad and indifferent. Today I heard mr. Bigs next to be with you and forgot about traffic all together, almost walked out at a bar that was playing Creed, and harassed my older sister with the what is your top three favorite song questions.

Ok let's see how I can make myself relevant to the blog title... Well for one, I certainly do feel like a bullet with butterfly wings. Moving at Mach speed but having butterfly wings to add a feminine touch and could potentially just flutter around aimlessly if I so choose. Sorry that's probably not what the song means at all but whatever.

K-goodnight! 

Stupid girls stuuuuupid girls

Sadly I'm that stupid girl in question. I'm feeling extra dumb lately and can't turn it off. 

Ex 1: Shopping at target and the clerk politely asked what I needed help finding and I said spoons and lighters without thinking. Totally got a judgmental look but polite service and no further questions asked. And then I realized I sounded like a heroin addict. Merp. 

Ex 2: I couldn't for the life of me figure out why it's taking so damn long for me to break in my new shoes especially the right shoe. I slipped it off my foot bent the shoe around the part where the toes were and even stuck my hand in the shoe for good measure and upon piling my hand out realized that it still had the cardboard to help keep the shoes shape in it. And I realized I'm a moron. Merp.

Ex 3: I took a screen shot to show a friend my shattered phone. I could not Figure out why the shattered part didn't show up. And then I realized bc it's not fucking supposed to take a pic of ur actual phone or the physical screen. Merp. 

I could go on but will refrain and hope you all still read my blogs even if they are from a stupid bt at least good humored and honest girl. 

It's Not Right, But its Okay

I don't know why that song reminds me of one of my best friends, Megan but I'm sure there's some insanely funny only to us story behind it. 

So what's not right but okay is me missing my dad. I've been super public about it on my blog but I know not everyone reads it and its certainly not Facebook where the minute you post something, it's everyone's business regardless of your privacy setting. I kept talking about him in the present tense and my darling Samantha sunshine very honestly and genuinely told me that I need to stop that. She said it with such a caring and genuine tone that it struck a chord in me and now I'm being very honest about it--when it comes up anyways. Ashley confirmed this and you know Ashley is my ride or die friend. Hate that term but that's the most accurate way to describe our friendship. 

I caught myself staring at my dads pic on my sisters Facebook and couldn't help but just miss him all over again. As if it was the first time. With football season in full effect and his birthday was just on Sunday, my heart is heavy. I felt ridiculous for being as upset as I am about him and now I don't care what anyone thinks. He was an amazing father to my sisters and me and an amazing husband to my mom. Not perfect because who is? I miss him terribly. TERRIBLY. 

But am lucky to have the rest of the girls in my family and my supportive friends around. There's a silly quote from one of my favorite authors that says "the stars are always out. Sometimes we just can't see them" 

I Gotta Get Through This

She who does not watch movies aka me (not b/c I don't like them, I just never get around to them) is about to quote a movie.

Mrs. Doubtfire. Not exactly your academy award winner full of beautiful cinematography or a highly developed complex script but there's this quote Robin Williams says and it's ringing true to me more and more every day:"Did you ever wish you could sometimes freeze frame a moment in your day, look at it and say "this is not my life"?

Yep.

I can't shake this terrible feeling of wanting to just be left alone. I don't think I've talked to anyone all weekend. I keep fantasizing of just running away--but of course would tell my family where I was. God knows that they've been through enough, I wouldn't do something so asshole-ish and put them through more grief. I actually got to the point where I looked up a hotel/flight/car from here to Amsterdam because I wanted to go on a bender and if you're going to do it, why not go big? 

Unfortunately a next day flight (i looked on fri) was in the ball park of $12,000. I considered selling my car. Then I realized, I don't actually own it yet so that's not gonna happen and sadly, that's the most expensive asset I have. Or would have if I owned it. Other than that I have two guitars and a skateboard and somehow I don't think that would get me far. 

My friends, ah my friends. I love. Love love love. All little angels who've been there for me this year. Every year but this shitty year especially. Full of problem solving, hang in there, words of advice. If I were in their position I'd be doing the same too. The thing is is that it's not them its me. It's best described in this blog--read all of it if you're so inclined but if not, just scroll down until you get to the part/cartoon about the fish and that is EXACTLY me. 

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

My insomnia is getting unreal. Usually a benedryl or shot of nyquil does the trick but the hangover next morning is disasterous so I can only save that for the weekends. And then it seems pointless because I can sleep however late I want to or at least wake up and take a nap later if needed. 

I hate carrying all this baggage with me. I hate it. Especially when I meet new people like my new coworkers and just want to shout HEY IM HAVING A TERRIBLE YEAR. My dad died, I got a flat tire on the way to his service, two more since, scratched my eye went to ER and am stuck in glasses forever, cracked my phone open chasing my dog, got laid off from a job where I was happy, ended up in ER again for an 'allergies', I'm basically being booted from a 6 year relationship and am no where near where I want to be in life in general. Please everyone just be nice to me or if you're not going to do that, please don't add anymore crap on to my crap. General public, collectively get off my nuts. Stop giving me advice and telling me to look on the bright side. I'm not actively seeking the dark side either. Just get off of my nuts. Go fuck yourself.

Blah. What am i doing..............

Somebody to Love

Lord in heaven! I just checked out match.com (didn't actually sign up. just creeped around to see what the norms were) and dear God in Heaven i'm in a world of trouble. I was considering joining the craze (everyone i know who's single is all about match and grouper) for various reasons: plain curiosity of what it's like/what's out there, needing to shake things up in my world and I had intentions of possibly joining but now those intentions are almost in my rear view mirror after seeing what I saw. I'm not going to dog on the guys b/c they're on there too with the same intentions I'm sure. Find somebody to love and hopefully loves them back (well and hopefully not just there for a booty call. i'm pretty sure that's what Tinder and OK Cupid are for).

It was like a giant conglomerate of people who were not my type, whether it was looks or what they wrote in their profile and in all fairness, I am absolutely not their type either.

And the cliches ahhhhhhhhhhhh the cliches. EVERYONE is a nerd at heart and EVERYONE likes going out but also quiet nights in and EVERYONE likes trying new things and likes all kinds of musics and running and puppies and their families blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah.

Blah.

And the way I am judging these people is the same way I know I'm going to be judged to which only sky rockets my anxiety to an unreal level. It's ridiculous.

I'm not the kind of person who can date more than one person at a time. I'm absolutely not against it--in fact I wish I could. I feel like I'm more of the date one person at a time thing. Sure it will take a lot longer to find the right  one but it's just a comfort thing I guess.

What in ball sack am I going to do?

If I do move forward, I will likely send my closest friends my username password and let them run the show and just show up for said date here and there. I feel like that would be super awesome and convenient and smart but then it's not building the rapport I ought to be.

And I hit up my younger sister and just shared with her the same things I just did and while she sympathized with a lot, she also said "stop looking at the negative things before anything's even happened yet!"

Fair.

....but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop.

Maybe I'll hit up the creepy old guy from eharmony and see if he has any better prospects for me.