Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I Wish You Would Step Back From That Ledge My Friend

Listen. I know squirrels are the pigeons of the four legged variety.

No one likes them.

Filthy. Dirty. Furry. Annoying. Roadkill. Dinner, to some.


I think I should be commended on my attempt of stopping one from committing suicide in the most grusome way.

I was driving along cedar trying to get to work when I was at a stop light and this squirrel decided to jump into the vacuum at a gas station. You know, one of those put the quarters in and move it, shake it, like the rent is due (aka when your time is up.)

Now really, from the center lane how could I achieve this impossibilty? I put my negotiator game face on, rolled down my window and started screaming at the squirrel. Luckily, no one was to my right. I honked. I waved. I shouted.

Time out. (a la saved by the bell!)

YES. I know that squirrels don't speak english, let alone understand it. HOWEVER, I think the general idea that you can scare it into running off was my game plan.

Time in.

So I start shouting at it. Not in a mean way b/c clearly this squirrel is going through some hard times if its suicidal but I don't speak squirrel and they need to be able to hear me esp over a lane of traffic. So I'm all "HEY....HEEEEEY. YOU. Not you sir....HEY SQUIRREL. STOP. THATS TOTALLY NOT COOL. YOU HAVE LOTS TO LIVE FOR. Like burrying acorns or whatever it is you all do. JUST DONT DO IT IN THE VACUUM PLEASE? HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY SQUUUUUIRRREEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL~!"


YOU try rationalizing with a suicidal squirrel.

The light turned so i went but i kept staring in my rear view mirror with hope. I saw a fat guy in the minivan behind me laughing....AND THE SQUIRREL! He jumped into a dumpster instead. PHEWWWWWWWWW.

...well....until trash pick up day but you know what? Whatever. That's not my problem. I pass my angel wings along.

Besides, maybe it wasn't suicidal and just looking for a place to dump a dead body....mafia squirrel?

....nah. suicidal.

"You're way too stuuuuuuuupid you squirrel.
Thats why it will never work,
You're way too suicidal, suicidal..."

yeah yeah yeah. Im stupid.

...but so is your mom.

For more information on suicide:
Please call: 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).