Monday, November 17, 2014


After having my wisdom teeth pulled, I've spent the past five days like this in this very outfit. 

This might be the only time ever in life you will get me to sit still and watch a movie. And movie it up I have. At first it was like torture but it was the only way to pass time since I wasn't allowed to eat or talk or work out or smoke--aka my four favorite past times. 

I've now seen the following:
Good Will Hunting
Bridget Jones Diary: Edge of Reason
The Usual Suspects
Love Actually
Pretty in Pink
Can't Hardly Wait
Stand By Me

All were pretty good--though I did have to watch usual suspects twice bc I gave up on it a third into the movie but glad I stuck it out.

I can't wait to be able to eat like a normal person again and work out. This had been completely blissful and totally annoying at the same time. 

I know it was just getting two teeth pulled but talk about not taking things for granted. And they say for the first 48 hours not to do anything which was literally suffocating to me.

I've cleaned out my closet (mostly), washed everything I own, and starting to throw things out. 

On the pampering side, I did deep condition my hair with coconut oil (love that stuff) for the first time and it wasn't so scary (I thought it wouldn't be able to rinse it out at first) got my eyebrows threaded and did a dry scrub. 

On the working out front... It's been maddening. I have been doing squats and push ups here and there just to get unsloth like but... It's not the same. Can't wait for my follow up appt and to be done with all of this. 

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Breathing is the Hardest Thing to Do

Tomorrow is my dad's birthday and I can't even. I can't. I'm having the worst anxiety right now and I'm scared and not really sure why. Nothing bad is going is happen. I'm petrified of bursting into tears at work or something. Please just let me get through tomorrow. Tear free. I should have asked for the day off but I didn't even realize it. I'm not calling out sick bc that's stupid. And a lie. I'm not even sure why I'm blogging this but writing has always been my safe place. 

I just have to get through tomorrow.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

I refuse I refuse I refuse

I'm not moving over to Facebook messenger after all te creepy and scary things I've read about it in terms of the privacy policy. Wtf--no thanks. Unless I read it wrong but that one star review doesn't make make me feel any better either. I'll just roll old school and respond from an actual laptop. 

Moving along... 

Why is it that the one person who hit on me this evening had to be the preppy guy with a popped collar--do people even do that anymore?!?! I'm literally the polar opposite of a fashionista but even I know that no one does that anymore--I think anyways. I did try to keep an open mind but a glaring popped collar, no respect for personal bubble and an awkward but polite conversation is not the way to me. 

Let's just put it this way, I'm blogging at 11 on a Saturday night. Obviously home early but I literally just can't. 

I think it doesn't help that my brain is in a bad way right now. My dad's birthday is on Monday so maybe that's what's triggering the waterfalls down my face...but only in public places , which is clearly the ideal place. Like this morning I sobbed in front of a Rite Aid in m y car, target parking lot and then in the sauna at the gym both the wet and dry one. And the shower. It's not a big choking sob for the most part but it's just a downpour. My poor steering wheel required 7 dunkin donuts napkins to get it dry enough to not slip out of my hands or make for a gross damp situation. I just miss my dad. It's the weirdest thing ever. I was never daddy's little girl or anything but we didn't hate each other or have a terrible relationship. And football makes my heart and stomach sink. This was our season; different teams but the rivalry and shit talking of each other's teams and players we naturally disliked was always second to none. 

I just need a break. 

But like a fool, I keep refusing to take one. 

It's sad when your doctors are advising you to take a vacation and one makes fun of you for not. I just can't afford it, no clue where I'd go or whom id go with that I wouldn't likely want to punch after a few days. 

I have been thinking of three vaycay scenarios:
1. Beach. Alone. Go by myself and stay in a hotel that's on the beach so I'll go sit out and come back in. Lather rinse repeat. No sight seeing. No bars. No ocean activity...well maybe ocean activity like surfing or something but that's it. 

2. Three days to go see an I have to ride an airplane friend and literally do a bunch of stuff whatever it is. Come back two days sit on my ass in my house and not do anything but watch reality tv and occasionally get up to pee.

3. Yoga retreat. The problem is Im pretty terrified of getting murdered and feel like a yoga retreat by myself with a bunch of other people I don't know in the middle of nowhere can likely lead to some weird problems. Which... We all know happens to me even when I'm here doing something normal like going to the grocery store.

Even relaxing stresses me out ugh. 

Sunday, August 31, 2014


Oh Lord. Why did I just do that? Why?? 

I did it again. I peeked around (didn't sign up) and saw what my prospects were. I know I did this a few months ago and felt the same way now as I did then...which is terrified and hopeless.

It's not the stigma of online dating. I truly don't care about that. It's more like OMG I'm too weird to be doing this mixed with OMG why are they so weird and not in that we can be weird together kind of way. 

I'm making a point to start "putting myself out there" after a six, yes, six year hiatus and I mostly just want to hide under my bed... With a box of cookies.

Despite my burnt out and jaded view of weddings, I decided that I think I do wanna get married. Weddings however... Don't get me started. Ovvvverrrr it. And those past two comments are certainly NOT a dig at anyone bc all the ones I've been to were lovely and everyone is still married happily--and i hope they all continue to be! 

No one is more aware than I am of my short comings and why I'm not perfect. There are somethings I'm willing to compromise on...and others are a dead set no. 

Things I will do for love
- Quit smoking (I wanna do that for me too but it will be easier if I had someone else to do it for too)
- Brush my hair and at least appear to be more lady like (I'm already cringing at the thought of giving up tshirts which I'm not 100% I wanna do but I'll compromise) 
- Lighten up on my workaholic state to make time for a potential interest

I won't do that
- Date a guy from Arlington. Or Maryland. I don't know why but I have such a mental block on that.
- Lower my realistic standards (particularly on attractiveness) just bc society's clock is ticking away for me. I'm not looking for nor want brad Pitt but I have to like the looks at least some what  
- Downplay anything I like or believe in bc someone I like feels differently. 
- Stop wearing chucks

See? I'm fair enough. I'm not asking for gold. Brad Pitt. A rescue story. I want someone I find cute and fun to be with.

But after a solid 45 minutes of combing through... 

I'm back to blogging. And hiding. 

Friday, August 1, 2014

Comfortably Numb

Haven't done this in a while. And maybe I should do more. A majority is bc I don't have the time and partly bc I hate speaking in round about ways but bc of the way social media dictates our life I know I have to be conscientious of what I write.

I am comfortably numb with my feelings for a lot of people. It's nice to finally realize where things truly are. It's not so nice coming to this realization and being scared to seal the deal. In theory letting people fall off and creating distance to allow that to happen is the best thing. The reality is i feel like sometime people deserve to know why they're not longer relevant in your life. It's so arrogant to use those words because no one has the right to tell anyone what they think you're  worth. 

...But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

I've actually been on the you suck and here's why you suck end of things. Long story short someone wrote me 20+Page dissertation   about why I'm a toxic person once. Needless to say, it didn't feel awesome which I think it's why I have a hard time dishing it out to others--bc I know what the hell it feels like.

It's confusing bc I've been going through this lifeless unhappy fog for so long that I can't tell if I truly don't like certain people or if it's just the mad fog making me think they are not worth having around. 

I guess until I figure it out, I'll continue the  comfortably numb path. 


Monday, March 17, 2014

Let it Go

Ok top two things a majority of us are sick of--snow and the movie Frozen. I get it. I'm likely leading the angry mob. 

(Okay so I drew the picture above and liked the movie but still--over it)

People in the DC area are all bitching and moaning about the snow--myself included. I get really sick of seeing my newsfeed covered in the same post of people saying they hate snow, tired of snow , the over dramatization of "it's going to snow at least SEVENTY INCHES" and the people who get mad at the meteorologists. 

Side rant: I don't really know why people get so mad at the meteorologists. Like for fucks sake people, they are weather people--not psychic. Like Outkast says--you can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather. 

But by far the most irritating of it all are when people in other areas make fun of MY area for freaking out about the snow. 

Seriously bitches? 

Let's go.

It's a lot like family where you can bitch about them but other people do, it is not okay. 

1. We're not used to a lot of snow because we're not in a hardcore snowy place like the New England area or Antarctica. 1-2 isn't the end of the world but anything more is.  Quit puffing your chest and say boasting about being from Michigan or New Hampshire where people still function when it snows twice as much. Guess what, kiddo--you're not there you're here and we suck at winter weather so tough. Bragging about walking in the snow to and from school for 20 miles both ways uphill, means basically nothing to us. Let us bitch. Even if you don't let us, we will. Get off our nuts--that's just what it is. 

2. We are never prepared even when we know it's coming. Don't blame the citizens--blame VDOT. Nothing is more irritating than seeing plow trucks on a terrifyingly snowy road and they are driving by without the plows down and don't give a flying fuck. I'm sure they aren't allowed to plow out of the goodness of their heart for whatever reason but it doesn't make it less irritating. Like come the fuck on. They said 8" and stupid VDOT sends out like five plows for all of northern va--no boo boo. No. That is not okay. Salt the roads, plow them, fucking lick the ice and snow off the road but do your damn job. When normal people don't do theirs--they get fired. K? 

2. We CAN blame citizens for driving. We suck at driving and we always point the finger at someone else but everyone is pointing at everyone else so that means we all collectively suck. Ice and snow make it a billion times worse bc as if driving a metal sleigh of doom isn't bad enough, you're paranoid of someone else's tin can running into yours. Fuck that. 

3. DC is filled with pretentious people constantly trying to climb the ladder of success, however they so choose to measure it. Therefore anything that gets in their way of getting to a client meeting, a new Audi, drinks at a new place, a new handbag, etc will become the target of hate bc God forbid any of us have to wait for anything. It's obnoxious but dammit that's who we are and we don't like anything stopping is. 

4. Once we finally do go where we need to, ain't not where to park! Again, I blame VDOT. 

Long story short, this winter has been completely horrific and thankfully it's over (hopefully).

Let us bitch--and let it go. 

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

And the Fluke is the Duke of Soul

Yeah. Seriously--I saw this lady and was like how do I know her...? She looks so familiar... Well that would be because she looks like a fish from The Little Mermaid. Seriously--doppelgänger much? She legit looks like the fish from under the sea that is playing the sax as says "yeah" (the fluke to be more specific)

I'd post a pic but that's not very nice. 

It's the little things in life that keep you going even if you're likely the only one who thinks its funny. 

I'm on this weird cartoon kick lately--more specifically Disney movies but the old ones. Now you know I'm truly getting old when I watch the movies from my childhood when things were simple-/or so they seemed. 

What if instead of FUCK YEAH or hell yeah people said ohh de lally a la Robin Hood? How funny would that be? Or if like Merlin from sword in the stone you could just sing a crazy song to pick your shit up? (Including the rude little sugar bowl who elbows the plate) 

And you know what my favorite Disney movie of all time is--ALICE IN WONDERLAND. I don't know what it is about that movie that I love so much. It's like the way my brain works translated into a Disney movie. A bunch of random shit that's all connected together in some weird way is my life. I remember being a kid and all the kids would be talking about their favorite movie which typically was the little mermaid with some sleeping beauty mixed in there. I would excitedly throw my fav out there and it was like the record stopped and everyone stared at me. When they managed to get over their obvious judgment and distaste of my pick I would be bombarded with questions about why and my most favorite was when they would say matter of factly--she's not a princess. Yeah well you mean bitches neither are you so quit acting like one. 

But I was never that gutsy or quick witted as a kid. Nor did I know any profane words. Now is a whole nother story. Let's just say I've been awarded this past year with the "sista" award bc I was most likely to be giving someone the business while rolling my neck and snapping my fingers. 

Blasian and proud I must say. 

Also proud of a quick sketch I did of one of my fav characters, Sir Hiss

Not bad right? Except when you google and see the image that I tried to imitate then this looks like garbage hahah oh well 

Ok bed time.