Last Friday Night

Actually it wasn't a friday so much as it was a Saturday night.

This blog isn't from me but rather a former coworker i've kept in touch with whom i adore! I normally save my blog for Sally stuff but this was so damn well written and hilarious, it couldn't help but post it. You dont have to know Aaron to get it but quick backstory, Aaron, Kacey (another former coworker/current friend haha) and I used to have urban Thursdays so you bring to the table all things urban that occured.

Here's what he sent us:

"Well wuzdamuhfuckindeal youbama's---

I want to walk you through my Saturday evening in hopes to make you laugh:

It starts around 5pm on Saturday evening. I get a phone call from my
buddy, Chris Long. You have to google him real quickly for the story
if you don't know who he is. He is about a 6'4" 270lb white honkey
that plays in the NFL and doesn't really see color/race/creed. He
tells me he is in town and it is our friends, Jameel Sewell (also look
him up-- the complete opposite), birthday. He tells me that he flew in
for the party and that I need to meet him at his hotel room in DC ASAP
and that we are going to a black tie gala for the "grown and sexy".

I show up to the hotel dressed to impress although I really have no
idea what I am getting myself into. I show up to his hotel room and
there is a hotel room full of black people with wardrobes completely
dressed in black with the following: huge designer belt buckles,
sunglasses, huge earrings, necklaces, etc. The whole nine.

We start taking shots of Hennessey and Jack while watching football
and listening to Common and Drake's feud.

Then it's off to the DC convention center. The birthday boy tells me
that this is the biggest party in DC. When we show up The line is
wrapped around the whole convention center and it is all middle-aged
African Americans dressed in their Sunday's Best dancing, being loud,
laughing for no reason, repeating what everyone says and clapping and
sneaking personal flask shots and Sutter Home bottle swings-- and this
was just in the line waiting to get checked in.

Of course my group didn't have to wait in line because we had VIP
tickets. All 8 of us were by far the youngest ones there. As Chris and
I are looking around we do not see ONE other white person (besides for
Chris, at this event I am considered a light skinned black guy and all
the heavy women are hitting on me hard, cause apparently thats what I
attrack in the black community. No Meghan Fox's or Gabrielle Unions of
the world, just the Precious's and Monique's).

We get up to security line where they have to wand your whole body for
weapons. The strange thing, at least I thought, was that everyone's
belt buckle would activate the wand and the security officer's would
NOT actually pat down the waists, where I would assume most of the
guns would be.

We get in and MY BOI Raheem DeVaughn is performing. All of the Grown
and Sexy single ladies are taking pictures, shaking their booty, and
throwing their underwear on the stage:

Line of the night from Raheem: "Damn, for all of those women throwing
their draws up here, I respect you. Going commando in 20 degree heat
shows the dedication to fucking me later"

The whole party was rocking and it seems that no one was really
drinking. There were six bars for 5,000 people and the line had to be
100 people deep. People were just partying and having a good time
sober! It was ridiculous to see that many people truly enjoying
themselves without imbibing on god's sweet nectar.

Low point in the night: I looked really good. Usually, this would come
as a precursor to a high point of the night (sex) but not in this
story.

Situation:

I just sit down at our table and just checking out the scene/ texting
people how ridiculous this party is.

40+ yr old Guy (in a fast jive-y kind of talk): Yo man, tonight is all
about play son, put down your phone and save work for tomorrow (gives
me a black handshake which will now be called a "dap")

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. I know whatchu mean son. I was just checkin in on someone.

40yr old Guy: You wanna hear something funny?

Me: (Didn't have time to respond)

40: I told mah pahtnah that I was going to be a vegetarian or some
shit in 2012--
Me: puzzled and not really listening)
40: But, I mean what the fuck, I can't be a vegetarian when there is
all this meat around (daps me like five times and leaves)

Me-- completely not really registering what is going on and go back to
my text. I replay what just happened and then I look to my right and
this guy is kissing on another man while pointing to me and smiling.

I quickly run to my group and hide from this guy the rest of the night.

Now, this may seem like an urban night already, however the best part
about the evening was the photography station. Right when you walk in
they have the typical red carpet where you can get your "grown and
sexy" picture with the liquor advertisement backdrop.

However, in the back corner of the convention center they had 3
different water painted backdrops that you could pose in front of.

The three consisted of:
1. a white gazeebo in front of a flowing waterfall during a sunset
2. a piano room with an empty bench where you could pose to be sitting
on with candles lit all around it
4. a forest theme

Groups of people/ couples/ and single people were lined up to take
pictures all night. We took the picture in the piano room.

The music was so loud that Chris and I decided to leave and meet up
with our other UVA friends. We get into the cab to go to some other
bar and Chris turns to me and says:

"hey did you hear that couple when we left? They said "well, there
goes the only two (white guys)"

I was DEVASTATED! My whole entire night went down the drain and I
still have not fully recovered..."

Sugar, We're Going Down Swinging

End of the year and I have this annoying habit (and well, old phone) of hanging on to texts.

...like i'm a hoarder for real.

I feel the need to point out that my phone is old b/c i have to delete texts to receive new ones.

That being said, i have some most fav texts of 2011 but not all can make it on here and frankly i guess if you dont know the context of some of these, they won't be funny to you but hopefully some will make you laugh.

In no particular order:

10. FUCK YOUR HAPPINESS!!!! - Garth 1/10/11 8:47pm
9. Hahaha aww..Is it b/c you dont like crabs? Cuz I hate crabs and would totally feel awkward too... - Erine 5/19/11 4:55pm
8. You and flag day... - Nigel 6/14/2011 8:01am
7. Why does jesus appear in pancakes??? - Lindsey 7/25/11 2:12pm
6. Lol!!!! I do feel bad for you...that place finds new ways to torture you every week...-Jeremy 11/4/11 2:38pm
5. Just start stabbing people in the butt. bet they get out of your way... - Bevan 11/11/11 4:58pm
4. Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest~ LOL - The Clam 11/30/11 9:09am
3. He is a nice guy. I just don't think the elevator always reaches the top floor. -Aaron 12/22/11 10:28am
2. You're welcome...and yea you will. allll nigggght llllllllonnnnnnnnnggg -Crystal 12/25/11 8:54pm
1. MAURY HAD A COUNTDOWN?!?! HOW DID I MISS IT??? - Fatima 12/30/11 7:36pm (just in time for the deadline Ti!!!)

Honorable mentions:
**Happy Urb thurz to you!! And the Johnsons!! -Kacey 12/22/11 9:08am
** What the hell Jason Campbell. You're supposed to suck! - Christy 9/25/11 7:05 pm
** Are those on a bed? Are you trying to sext me? - Lindsey 7/23/11 9:34pm

I Roll Up...

I don't mean to roll up on people.

I don’t mean to put people on the spot.

Particularly with weight or eating. I’ll never be the girl to tell you your food looks, smells or tastes disgusting or questionable. (unless its moldy).

I find it terribly rude to do any of the above.


Not quite sure what’s going on here but I find it horribly amusing that I’ve caught 3 people secretly eating in the kitchen at work. It’s bizarre and hilarious. I’ll walk in for a coffee or water refresher and someone will swallow a donut or cookie or a whole potato chip in its entirety and then quickly speak at Mach speed to cover up their embarrassment. Sometimes they don’t make eye contact with me and briskly walk out of the kitchen.

I'm very rapidly approaching doing the heimlich on the next person who tries to engulf part of the junk food spread that's laid out on the table in the kitchen and explaining to them that they are a human. Not a boa constrictor so it's okay to chew and it's okay to take the food from the table and bring to their desk to consume.

Male, female, fat and skinny--i've come a cross several combinations. Why the shame?

The way i see it is that if you're skinny, what are you hiding anyways? If you're fat, it's not like we didn't know it before.

I avoid the table all together b/c I dont have self control. If I eat one sugar cookie, i will devour the rest.

Chew, enjoy, and bon apetite!

Hey Good Lookin' Whatcha Got Cookin?

Nothing. Today I had the (dis)pleasure of cooking something for work. We're doing a whole potluck style Halloween shenanigans thing and everyone's bringing something in. I was hoping that it was a run to the store and buy a bag of Doritos type thing but sadly, it's not. Someone's make some kinda pumpkin cream cheese dip. Another is cooking some kind of Reese's bar thing. All tasty and presentable and fancy like.

Me? I'm not that fancy.

Well...not in the kitchen.

5:02pm At the grocery store, gotta find something to whip together.

5:25pm Overwhelmed!!!

5:30pm So over it. Outta here! Happy with my choice. Worms in dirt. No baking. 3 steps.
1 - Make the damn pudding
2 - Put the damn pudding in an alreaddddddddy assembled pie crust.
3 - Smash oreos and throw it in there with gummyworms.
BOOM!

7:17 pm Ok. Let's make the damn pudding (yes, i will continue to reference it as damn pudding.)

7:47 pm The directions says to add 2 cups of milk, bring to a boil on medium heat and continuously stire. So..when do i add the mix?!

7:57 pm OMG. This is so fucking frustrating!!! I'm just gonna add the fucking pudding mix to the 2 cups of milk and hope for the best.

8:05 pm Improvised. Apparently you're not supposed to use fat free milk which is the only milk i DO have. I dont even drink milk. I'm lactose. Duh. So...since i was in a pinch and not willing to leave the house, i stole a cup of my sister's chocolate milk (it's whole milk!) and a cup of fat free milk (mum's) and decided it wouldn't matter. I mean first of all, it's chocolate pudding so no one's going to notice if I used chocolate milk. Secondly, I figured whole milk plus non fat milk equals skim milk.

8:20pm I'm fairly certain I have carpal from continuously stirring. Thanks a lot Jello company. Assholes...

8:25pm Cookies smashed, gummyworms out of the bag. Time to check on the damn pudding.

8:28pm The mother fucking damn pudding has some damn film on it. Did they really expect me to keep stirring...?!?!?!

8:35pm That it's--i'm banging this out and if it sucks OH WELL. I'll bring the remainder of the Oreos as sustenance b/c this looks like it's going to be a disaster.

8:42pm Mum walks by and questions why it's taking me an hour to make a 15 minute completed pie, why all the appliances and most of the fridge contents are on the counter and most of all, why there's pudding in my hair and on just the right side of my face and across my shirt. Mum can suck an egg b/c cooking is hard.

8:45pm Threw the damn pudding pie in the fridge and wash my hands of it. Next year? I'm bringing store bought apple cider.

8:48pm I'm soaking the rest of these gummyworms in vodka. Sally needs a treat. And I'm secretly wishing to be soaking in the vodka like the worms. LIKE the worms, mind you. Not with them. I mean i was in the vodka with sugar worms, that only means one thing. YEAST INFECTION. YUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!! This is why dessert toppings in the bedroom are TOPPINGS. Not innings. Ok now it's getting uncomfortable.

9:04pm Ok one last uncomfortable thing...I feel a bit like a someone who's had sex for the first time. (I almost said virgin but if theyve had sex, even just once, no longer a virgin makes) I'm slightly out of breath, flustered not sure if I did it right, thrilled when it was over, hair is a mess and think I can do better next time...and kinda proud/accomplished. -end uncomfortableness-

9:15pm BFF points out, i should've soaked the gummyworms in tequila, as that's where worms typically are.
Fuck him. Fuck halloween. Fuck it all. I'm throwing the damn pudding pie in the garbage. Everyone can suck it.

10:13pm Blogging. Gawd how my Thursday night have changed...

SING IT!

*Standing up to karaoke at a party this past weekend*

"SING FREEBIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the guests shouted at me drunkenly.

I adjusted my scrunchie (yes, scrunchie. it was a 90s party, relax!) and said clearly into the microphone:

"While I do love and appreciate 'Freebird' you are out of your fucking mind if you think I'm gonna stand here and sing for 2 minutes and then stand around like an asshole for the next 30 minutes."

(note, this blog is only funny if you're familiar with the song "Freebird" by Lynard Skynryd. If you're not, youtube it and i'll see you in 30 minutes.)

There's Gotta Be More to Life...

I really wish people would stop talking about the following:
-Weight
-Money
-Clothes
-Job
-Looks

For fuck's sake people, it could always be worse. Appreciate what you have and stop focusing on what you don't. If you want or want to change any of the above, you can do it for sure.

And frankly my dear(s), I don't give a damn. <--I've always wanted to say that.

Life in Plastic, It's Fantastic

Actually...it's not. Sooooooooooooooooooooooo.. I'm kinda going through another typical Sally hippie wave where I think much is pathetic. Don't it twisted, i think there's a lot that's freaking awesome but no one wants to read about fun bubbly things I think are awesome.

Actually you probably do and really, how can I blame anyone? :)

Hahah i joke, i joke, i keed i keed!

But seriously, that'll be in another blog.

I'm thinking about cutting myself off of the online world (i.e. twitter and facebook). I dont know I feel about it. And I don't mean that in the "i'm at a party so i'm going to say something agreeable so i'm going to bash facebook, others will mmm and nod and cut each other off with more even more horrifying stories of their 'friends' addiction and then go home upload pix from the party, status update it and friend the people i met that night and will probably never acknowledge again" kinda way. I genuinely mean... i just dont know how i feel about it.

To go off on a tangent about how artificial it is would be hypocracy at its best. I obviously have one, update it from time to time (and loved/kept up with my page quite a bit when i first had it) so it's not fair to take a total "anti" stance against it. And if it's something you're into, then whatever. No big banana aka it's not my business, who cares?

The way I feel right now, it's like.. ehhhhh. I hopped on twitter b/c i DONT get gchat at work. I could give a shit about not getting facebook at work. I just...i dont know what it is about facebook that's suddenly so off-putting about it. I really like that it does let you keep up with your friends and let's face it, straight up be nosy from time to time and even can be an outlet for your thoughts via status update. I get it. I blog to vent or say something funny quirky or amusing.

But then the other part of me is like wow..this is really not an organic way of keep relationships with people. It's borderline...actually fuck the border, I'm really sincerely sad that stalking my facebook is the only way people feel like they can keep up with me. Read THIS instead. Or call me. Or shoot me an email.

I guess my biggest issue about facebook vs everything else is that everything is public--even the stuff that doesn't need to be. If you wanna say hi b/c it's been a while or make plans or tell me it was great seeing me in so long, i love it but...why does it have to be posted for everyone else to see? It's my relationship with you. Not me you and the whole world... But..it's not like it's harming anything that it IS public. I just dont know..

I do feel like a vast majority of people want to be mini celebrities. have the most friends, be the skinniest, have the most attractive pix, flaunt their relationships, throw their ex's under the bus, put their drama on blast...it's just weird. I get it...and I dont. And I'm kinda on this new kick of where I'm (in my mind) on a bitch trip where if it's not worth my time, i'm wasting no brain energy on it or i'm cutting it out of my life all together.

...what happened? i used to be so nice...hahah and i really mean that! I used be such a nice person and now i'm like yeah we'll you're stupid/boring so i'm gonna hang up/go talk to someone else. KBYE.

I think I'm struggling trying to find the fine line (and ladies and gentlemen, that line is FINE AS SHIT) of can i be around people who do things or have certain beliefs that I'm adamantly against. On one hand, those difference aren't really what made us friends, shouldn't have bearing on our friendship and frankly if we all were the same we'd be communists. On the otherhand, sometimes poeple's core beliefs/values hint at the way the rest of their characteristics and thoughts are. If it's always going to be hostile or an uphill battle or it's taking more time to find common ground...why bother...

I dont know. AHHH im so confused!!!