Life in Plastic, It's Fantastic

Actually...it's not. Sooooooooooooooooooooooo.. I'm kinda going through another typical Sally hippie wave where I think much is pathetic. Don't it twisted, i think there's a lot that's freaking awesome but no one wants to read about fun bubbly things I think are awesome.

Actually you probably do and really, how can I blame anyone? :)

Hahah i joke, i joke, i keed i keed!

But seriously, that'll be in another blog.

I'm thinking about cutting myself off of the online world (i.e. twitter and facebook). I dont know I feel about it. And I don't mean that in the "i'm at a party so i'm going to say something agreeable so i'm going to bash facebook, others will mmm and nod and cut each other off with more even more horrifying stories of their 'friends' addiction and then go home upload pix from the party, status update it and friend the people i met that night and will probably never acknowledge again" kinda way. I genuinely mean... i just dont know how i feel about it.

To go off on a tangent about how artificial it is would be hypocracy at its best. I obviously have one, update it from time to time (and loved/kept up with my page quite a bit when i first had it) so it's not fair to take a total "anti" stance against it. And if it's something you're into, then whatever. No big banana aka it's not my business, who cares?

The way I feel right now, it's like.. ehhhhh. I hopped on twitter b/c i DONT get gchat at work. I could give a shit about not getting facebook at work. I just...i dont know what it is about facebook that's suddenly so off-putting about it. I really like that it does let you keep up with your friends and let's face it, straight up be nosy from time to time and even can be an outlet for your thoughts via status update. I get it. I blog to vent or say something funny quirky or amusing.

But then the other part of me is like wow..this is really not an organic way of keep relationships with people. It's borderline...actually fuck the border, I'm really sincerely sad that stalking my facebook is the only way people feel like they can keep up with me. Read THIS instead. Or call me. Or shoot me an email.

I guess my biggest issue about facebook vs everything else is that everything is public--even the stuff that doesn't need to be. If you wanna say hi b/c it's been a while or make plans or tell me it was great seeing me in so long, i love it but...why does it have to be posted for everyone else to see? It's my relationship with you. Not me you and the whole world... But..it's not like it's harming anything that it IS public. I just dont know..

I do feel like a vast majority of people want to be mini celebrities. have the most friends, be the skinniest, have the most attractive pix, flaunt their relationships, throw their ex's under the bus, put their drama on blast...it's just weird. I get it...and I dont. And I'm kinda on this new kick of where I'm (in my mind) on a bitch trip where if it's not worth my time, i'm wasting no brain energy on it or i'm cutting it out of my life all together.

...what happened? i used to be so nice...hahah and i really mean that! I used be such a nice person and now i'm like yeah we'll you're stupid/boring so i'm gonna hang up/go talk to someone else. KBYE.

I think I'm struggling trying to find the fine line (and ladies and gentlemen, that line is FINE AS SHIT) of can i be around people who do things or have certain beliefs that I'm adamantly against. On one hand, those difference aren't really what made us friends, shouldn't have bearing on our friendship and frankly if we all were the same we'd be communists. On the otherhand, sometimes poeple's core beliefs/values hint at the way the rest of their characteristics and thoughts are. If it's always going to be hostile or an uphill battle or it's taking more time to find common ground...why bother...

I dont know. AHHH im so confused!!!

Girls Girls Make That Cash

Quick blog b/c i can't facebook, gmail and i'm still new to twitter...

This is why I never did go to lawschool.

At work while arguing about whether strippers are trashy cumdumpsters or if they're just doin' something to pay the bills, i took the path of "don't judge..." and decided to stick up for the ladies of the pole/lap.

Unfortunately...i need to work on my defense/argument a little stronger:

Annonymous: Whatever they are trashy. They can get a job doing anything else. I personally think they're slutty whores.
Me: Not necessarily...
A: Why do you say that?
Me: I mean like... *thoughtful pause* What would you do...if your son was at home cryin' all alone on the bedroom floor cuz he's hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money and his daddy's gone, somewhere smokin' rock now in and out of lock down i aint got a job now, so for you this is just a good time but for me this is what i call life..i mean what THEY would call life.

Note: Quoting a song from early 2000's does not a case make.

Fail Sally. Fail..

The Walls Were Shakin' The Earth Was Quakin'

Holy Earthquake fellow East Coasters! I know Cali kids are laughing at us saying that this is nothing but lemme just nip that one right in the bud--this is the EAST COAST bitches so NO, we're not used to that!! :P

Moving along, I dont know where my brain is these days. I'm forgetting things and people and events. I swear it's like early on set dementia or something. GEEZ.

I'm in better spirits today and lately in general b/c some people unknowingly helped restore bits and pieces of faith in humankind again. It's not 100% again but it's finally out of the negative points. I was on a downward spiral that everyone's a mean asshole who's out for themselves but then I'll get a random friendly/kind message, email, text--even cards! (thank you very much miss Lessons from Lemons L.S!) from friends or people I work with and it makes me smile. I have to be better at remembering, even though some people suck at life, not everyone does. It's hard not to wanna be a bitter betty when all you want to do is enjoy life and be around other enjoyable people.

No, this isn't a brush with death (the earthquake wasn't THAT serious thankfully) Ahhhh everything is glorious moment. It's moree of a "What's REALLY bothering Sally and how can we make it stop?"

I will make a conscious effort to not bitch about my friends a la blog but im not making any promises. My blogs are not a passive aggressive digs. I just write what i thinks or what's happened to me --trying to keep it real and authentic as possible.I think that's what makes it relatable. Sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's sad, some times im bitching just to let it out....

Talk about awkard/double edged sword that writing in my blog is my stress release but also can be dangerous b/c people will think it's about them or think its about something or someone that it's not and voice opinions that contradict mne. You dont have to agree but you can't stop me from saying it. (And that's also why i dont have a comments buttons haha aside from people arguing with me, i dont want people to argue with others!)

Anyways...

I miss being the fun me ALL the time instead of little glimpses here and there. Now that I feel like not everyone's an asshole anymore, hopefully, i can continue to move along happier :)

Very excited for Q4 coming up here...!

I'm Starting to Trip, I'm Losing My Grip and I'm In This Thing Alone...

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Yep. It's happened. It's that 100th time of year when i'm losing my mind. This is quickly escalating to a serious problem and next time I'm writing to you all it will be from a mental institution or rehab. Maybe both.

I'm going through the Holly Go Lightly Mean Reds.

I don't know WHAT it is.

Nothing and no one is vibing with me lately, especially me. Talk about difficult.

It's super weird b/c i hate that i feel like everything i'm saying lately is a complaint about everyone else. On one hand, i could just be a raging self righteous bitch. Likely. On the other, I could have legitamite problems with people and situations and be selling myself short. Not so likely but not impossible. How does one really know?

I think what's really put me into a state of alarm is that my best friends in the world minus 3 people i can think of at the top of my head are driving me fucking crazy. Some i've been blunt with. Other's I'm avoiding talking to or having that talk with. See people? It's not just romantic partners that i can't have the talk with. It's b/c i get caught playing devil's advocate and I'm almost TOO aware that i myself am not perfect so to go off on someone when i'm not perfect myself or have problems with who they are at the core...it's like...who am I? So i dont say anything. I let it fester. and there are some people that I don't know WHAT i'm so hostile with them about but i am hostile. Maybe not hostile but not feeling amicable.

My A list typically knows how to handle me in this situation and guide me but the problem is that IT IS MY FUCKING A LIST that's driving me insane. And maybe they're not and i'm being a bitch. Who KNOWS. I sure as hell don't.

It's scary b/c i called someone today (A list of course) that has next to NEVER let me down in the cheering up department and while they did make me laugh, i ended up getting frustrated with that person too! They dont know it though. Of course, if they read my blog (which i can guaratee said person doesn't), then they'd know.

WTF are you supposed to do when you can't TALK to the people that mean the most to you? What does this mean? AHHHH!!!! i'm losing my mind. I'm not on drugs, i'm not drunk, i'm not having my period, eating too much/too little, i did get enough sleep--so why the bitchyness???

FUCK MY LIFE!!!!


*Deep breath* i'm okay...

In The Middle

So summer's about half way over (probably a little more) so let's take a look back on the first half while i still remember:

-Weddings: 1 :) <3 !!!
-Camping Trips: 1 *hahah
-Driving School to strike ticket off my record: 1
-Walking in to stranger's house alone and could've died: 1 *LAMPSHADE per FabulosiTi
-Pooltimes: 3 *two legally. one...not so much
-Police encountered: 6 *yikes
-Tanning salon sessions: 5 *jerseylicious
-Bitches almost cut by a Sally: 4
-Nats games: 1
-Portapotties puked in due to alcohol: 2 *classy
-Alcoholic Slurpees: toooooooooooo manyyyyy (and more to come..hahah)
- # of people I've taught to do the dougie: 2
- # of people who've taught ME to do the dougie: 2
-Number of guys hollering through the car window: 9 *GET.A.LIFE or a better way to communicate
-Caught leaning with it and rocking with it in public: 1
-Embarassed self trying to do a good deed by helping the deaf: 1
-# of times I've heard the word jiggy much to my distaste: 27
-Roadtrips: 0 *but may change if/when i go see JANEL in PA!!! whaaat!? love it
-Possible vaycay weddings: 1
-Outstanding weddings: 2
-Concerts seen: 1
-Fairs attended: 1
-Participate in Survive DC: 1 + 10-15 or so lovely friends and friends of friends
-Actually Surviving DC: 0
-Boats driven: 1 :)
-Cotton candy consumed: 1 *deeeeelisssssssshhhhhhh but really not realistic for 1 person to finish
-Movies I've wanted to watch: 2
-Movies I watched: 1 *Drop Dead Gorgeous and it was HILAROUS!
-Time spent in DC: yikes...every other weekend it seems
-# of acting gigs: 1 *"Mrs. JOHNSON. MRS. JOHNSON. MRS. JOHNNNNNNNSON!!!!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
-Haircuts: 1 *And i'm starting to like it now that it's grown some!
-New songs on guitar learned: 5 *hell to the yeah Trillface!!!
-Friends seen: Most of my A listers and some from the B :) YAYAYAYAY!!!
-Friends not seen: a few of my A listers and others i've wanted to see :( (spam, i feel like i haven't seen you all summer. not cool home girl. not. cool. at. all.)
-Running of the bride: 1 *She is going to make such a freaking beautiful fabulous fierce bride. i literally can NOT wait for her wedding!!!
-New jobs: 1 * :)
-Possibility of an A lister moving away from me: 1 *Devastated. :(
-Words exchanged with cute life guard: 3 *progress...hahah luckily it's an indoor pool so i've got all year ;)
-Blasian outtings: 1 *but it wasn't really an outting (well i guess survive dc kinda was) but the other one we stayed in for!
-Credit cards/Debit Cards lost: 2 *blah!
-BBQ's attended: 2
-Bdays attended: 6
-Urban Thursdayz: 5 or so?
-Possibility for more summer madness: Infinite :)

Hope you all are staying cool in this miserable heat/humidity!

Now Tell Me That Ain't Insecurrrre

**Disclaimer: Long preachy blog ahead.

Ok so I have sooooooooooo much to preach about so bare with me. If you're not in the mood for something raw (not in the pervy way) and upfront, then read an old blog of mine or check out people.com and read about celebs.

Geez...I dont know where to begin. I've been back at my old pace of constantly going out which has been really good and kind of a pain in the ass to be honest. I notice somethings that I really like and somethings that make me go hmmm and by hmmm i mean VOMIT.

The goods:
-I am constantly reminded on how lucky and fortunate I am to have some amazing people in my life. Incredible friends and a wondeful family. These are the people that I've known for years and maybe we don't get to see each other all the time but when I talk to them or finally do get to see them, it brightens my whole day and even makes me smile days later.
-Meeting new people sometimes overwhelms me because I feel like I know everyone in the DC metro area but then I don't and I meet someone different and interesting--very cool!
-Whilst people watching in non-creeper fashion, I see strangers being kind to each other, I see people who aren't afraid to be themselves, I see people appreciating life. It's the saving grace that makes me go, oh i guess the world isn't full of assholes and morons.

The bads:
-Well. The biggest disappointment/flop that i've noticed seeing an array of my friends over the past few months is that I'm coming to find out more so right now how insecure and superficial some of my closest friends are and it makes me reconsider our friendship. There's a difference between having low self esteem and being insecure.

Low self esteem is like textbook me. I don't like taking pictures, I don't go on and on about myself may it the way i look or what i do or how much i make or dont make etc. I don't preach about it. I don't talk about. I dont CARE to talk about it. I absolutely do NOT break other people down to make myself feel better.

Insecure is when you let everyone, their mamas, their baby's mamas and tyrone that broke ass mother fucker from around the corner know. It's like ridiculous! These are the people who blab on about themselves in over the top ways i.e. "DAMMIT i'm soooo good looking/well paid/my car is the shit" etc.

One of my recent nights out, i met someone for the first time and literally, the first 2 questions out of his mouth (after asking my name) was what did i do for a living and what kind of car I drove and wincing at my response... I'm sorry are you fucking serious? There's a way to do it for small talks sake and theirs a way to do it in a fucking obnoxious way. Said person was actually a nice fellow i guess but seriously homie, open your fucking eyes. I didn't talk to him for the rest of the night. i'm okay with that. And the friends that are currently doing it are constantly commenting about someones looks/attractiveness and ESPECIALLY WEIGHT. Maybe it's a girl thing???

I get that we don't always feel great about ourselves or don't look like the way we used to wanna look but over the top praising the ones that do have what you want (I.e. OMG Jane Doe you are so fucking lucky you are so skinny! I wish i was so skinny!) or being over the top about the ones that you dont have (i.e. omg i wish i had a boyfriend but nooooooope i 'm gonna be single for the rest of my life and die alone!) or even being over the top about what you don't have but pretending like you do (i.e. someone who hates their legs but in public will always say My legs are my best attribute. How can they not be i mean have you SEEN them?) etc etc just makes me go all i hear is HIIIIIIIIIIIII WORLD IM INSECURE on repeat--to the point where i'm not actually hearing what you're saying b/c all i hear is IM INSECURE. JUST THOUGHT EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW! and all i see is someone who's obviously way too insecure with themselves.

Some of these girls are killlllllllllllllinnnnnnggggggggg me b/c i'm really fond of them other way or consider them to be close friends but after hearing and seeing it on loop, I'm like.....flinching. I COULD talk to them about it and I feel like it's going to come up ,but how do you really address that without potentially risking losing an otherwise meaningful relationship? It's bizarre.

It's also getting out of hand and it's not even one of those things where it seems blatant b/c now im in tune with it so therefore am subconsciously picking it up more because even outsiders have pulled me aside and been like damn. is your friend always like that? Maybe what I need is just a break to reasses what exactly our friendship is built on and what kind of person they truly are. I'm not sure what's wrong with me lately but i've been on a no bullshit kick where i'm actually okay with leaving certain people behind in my life. It's not desirable and not what i want but it's getting to the point where if i'm just like spending more time bitching about them to myself and rolling my eyes--what's the point in being their friend? Not worth it. ESPECIALLY when i have other friends who are just as close or closer to me who ALL have insecurities (as all humans do) but they keep that shit under control!!! Learn from them or simply just please shut the fuck uppppppppppp. Or at least OWN your insecurity. Like obviously don't go around bragging baout it but for fuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkk's sakkkkkkkkkkkke, shut up or see a shrink or at the very least, ADMIT IT.

It's like in mean girls, 'calling someone fat isn't going to make you skinnier.' Or even calling someone skinny isn't going to make you skinnier. If you're not happy with something in your life, accept it or do something about it--those are your two options.

It's funny how easily people forget (myself included) how SUBjective things are. Just because someone thinks you're funny doesn't mean everyone does or will. Just because you think someone is attractive doesn't make it a fact. Etc, etc, etc. Because guess what? There's a lot of other someone elses out there who totally disagree.

I hate to sound like a bitch (actually i don't) but don't try to look at me (or anyone else) to validate you. YOU need to validate you and that's the bottom line.? Example: I already know that I'm not happy with the way I look and someone reallllllllllllly fucking offended me tonight by saying I look like someone i look NOTHING alike--no one has EVER said that me before. I called him out on it and he didn't really have much to say back. B/c stupid shit was WRONG. Another person even told him that. I started to feel even worse about myself when i didn't think it was possible. On the other hand, a really cute guy asked me out last week, at the metro a guy came right up to me just to tell me he thought i was attractive, a guy at my gym expressed interest in me and there are these two guys that wont leave me the hell alone. The goods outweight the one negative comment. End result? I still feel the same about myself because until I become okay with or even LIKE the way I look, I know I won't be happy. It doesn't matter how many people tell you or me that you're pretty or have a good body or whatever it is unless you believe it's true.

I'm not saying I'm perfect or that i NEVER do anything annoying and people should do everything the way I feel is right. All I'm saying is that I think people need to really take a deep breathe and learn to be okay with themselves and STOP projecting their insecurities on other people. Even when you think it's in a way that's not hurting anyone, you're hurting yourself and i feel really fucking stupid saying this but you matter too people...and maybe that's why I'm so fired up about said anonymous close and not close friends are acting this way is because I think they're perfect the way they are and it's really a shame that they don't see it and feel the need to vocalize it in such a matter.

And quite frankly, people should tell you something nice when they feel like it and you shouldn't feel like less of a person until they do.-- SO STOP FUCKING FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS.

I'm in a no fishing zone. Just keep swimming and you'll be just fine.

Is Someone Getting The Best of You?

OMGGGGGGGG My brain matches my body and that is FRIED.

I think I totaly od'ed on tanning. I went for a 3 mile walk/jog (i know..i should not be jogging with a fucked up knee...) outside in the sun, immediately to the pool to join my older sis lounging by the pool and then i went tanning with Linds at Hollywood Tans.

Honestly? i didn't think much about it until i got home and was greeted with "Stop tanning. You're red as in not orange and not tan. Just...red."

I felt my arms and they felt just fine. Then I saw myself in the mirror and did a double take. I am red. Wtf!? But it doesn't hurt...weird~! I think I am turning tanorexic. And also hating myself a bit b/c i swore i'd never be jerseylicious tan or someone who used "cutesy" made up words such tanorexic...

Anyways that's all beside the point.

The point is--is someone getting the best of you and what the fuck do you do if it's YOU that's getting the best of you?

I know. I just blew all of your minds.

I'm so frazzled because I feel like lately I've been bombared with opinions. Some have been b/c I've straight up asked and others have volunteered--which is fine too (for the most part.) The thing is is that when you have too many metaphoric cooks in the metaphoric kitchen it's like...wtf are we trying to make again? i dont know.

It's human nature to want other people's opinion about things but when you ask, you really better know what it is that you want and be prepared for the answers you get. Some answers can be enlightening and others...just really don't get it.

As friends, in theory we're all supposed to want whats best for your friend. Sometimes, I think that it can suddenly change your original thoughts as well. I dont know. It's all confusing and incredibly frustrating. You can't get mad at anyone for having an opinion. You can disagree, but you can't get mad. People are free to think whatever the hell they want to and even if you'd given advice you dont like or don't agree with then guess what? DONT LISTEN TO IT!

I feel like im ranting like a whackadoo b/c i have no fucking idea what's going on right now with a lot of aspects of my life and I feel like (the same way I often feel...) that people are disregarding MY feelings and MY perceptions and not keeping who I AM into perspective when telling me things. It's always easier from the outsiders opinion. I get it. I agree. And I'm postive I probably have done or still do the same with other people. But to make finite conclusions can be really frustrating when on the receiving end of things.

I KNOW, WE KNOW you want________, like___________, and hope for ____________. And sometimes that is oh so true and people are like totally right. OTHER TIMES, i'm like YOU CANNOT SAY THAT and you NEED to stop telling my I'm in denial about certain things whether it's work love life family or other, IF I MYSELF dont fucking know. I know sometimes that I will deny deny deny and what the other person saying IS true, but other times i'm being very candid and honest and I have no fucking idea. Maybe the better option is to just keep quiet? It's hard. You want to share your life and your problems with the people in your life and certainly dont want to drive them bat shit crazy by sounding like a broken record for parroting the same list of problems over and over again but for fucks sake, I dont want to be doing the parroting either! It's a two way street people.

BLAH! I hate being like this. I really do. Life's not terrible. It's actually not bad at all right now but there's just SOMETHING going on lately and it's really just irritating me and I think that my irritation is being misdirected at timees but oh so accurate at other times.

And all of that aside, ultimately, everyone's their own person--myself included--and sometimes (all the time) i get frustrated with myself!

One of my best friends is always challenging me by saying "Says who?" i.e. If I say I can't do something or if I don't feel like something, this person is always like Says Who? To which the answer I usually shoot back is says me. And then they say that I need to change that perception and that's true at times.

I dont know.

Over it!