Now Tell Me That Ain't Insecurrrre

**Disclaimer: Long preachy blog ahead.

Ok so I have sooooooooooo much to preach about so bare with me. If you're not in the mood for something raw (not in the pervy way) and upfront, then read an old blog of mine or check out people.com and read about celebs.

Geez...I dont know where to begin. I've been back at my old pace of constantly going out which has been really good and kind of a pain in the ass to be honest. I notice somethings that I really like and somethings that make me go hmmm and by hmmm i mean VOMIT.

The goods:
-I am constantly reminded on how lucky and fortunate I am to have some amazing people in my life. Incredible friends and a wondeful family. These are the people that I've known for years and maybe we don't get to see each other all the time but when I talk to them or finally do get to see them, it brightens my whole day and even makes me smile days later.
-Meeting new people sometimes overwhelms me because I feel like I know everyone in the DC metro area but then I don't and I meet someone different and interesting--very cool!
-Whilst people watching in non-creeper fashion, I see strangers being kind to each other, I see people who aren't afraid to be themselves, I see people appreciating life. It's the saving grace that makes me go, oh i guess the world isn't full of assholes and morons.

The bads:
-Well. The biggest disappointment/flop that i've noticed seeing an array of my friends over the past few months is that I'm coming to find out more so right now how insecure and superficial some of my closest friends are and it makes me reconsider our friendship. There's a difference between having low self esteem and being insecure.

Low self esteem is like textbook me. I don't like taking pictures, I don't go on and on about myself may it the way i look or what i do or how much i make or dont make etc. I don't preach about it. I don't talk about. I dont CARE to talk about it. I absolutely do NOT break other people down to make myself feel better.

Insecure is when you let everyone, their mamas, their baby's mamas and tyrone that broke ass mother fucker from around the corner know. It's like ridiculous! These are the people who blab on about themselves in over the top ways i.e. "DAMMIT i'm soooo good looking/well paid/my car is the shit" etc.

One of my recent nights out, i met someone for the first time and literally, the first 2 questions out of his mouth (after asking my name) was what did i do for a living and what kind of car I drove and wincing at my response... I'm sorry are you fucking serious? There's a way to do it for small talks sake and theirs a way to do it in a fucking obnoxious way. Said person was actually a nice fellow i guess but seriously homie, open your fucking eyes. I didn't talk to him for the rest of the night. i'm okay with that. And the friends that are currently doing it are constantly commenting about someones looks/attractiveness and ESPECIALLY WEIGHT. Maybe it's a girl thing???

I get that we don't always feel great about ourselves or don't look like the way we used to wanna look but over the top praising the ones that do have what you want (I.e. OMG Jane Doe you are so fucking lucky you are so skinny! I wish i was so skinny!) or being over the top about the ones that you dont have (i.e. omg i wish i had a boyfriend but nooooooope i 'm gonna be single for the rest of my life and die alone!) or even being over the top about what you don't have but pretending like you do (i.e. someone who hates their legs but in public will always say My legs are my best attribute. How can they not be i mean have you SEEN them?) etc etc just makes me go all i hear is HIIIIIIIIIIIII WORLD IM INSECURE on repeat--to the point where i'm not actually hearing what you're saying b/c all i hear is IM INSECURE. JUST THOUGHT EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW! and all i see is someone who's obviously way too insecure with themselves.

Some of these girls are killlllllllllllllinnnnnnggggggggg me b/c i'm really fond of them other way or consider them to be close friends but after hearing and seeing it on loop, I'm like.....flinching. I COULD talk to them about it and I feel like it's going to come up ,but how do you really address that without potentially risking losing an otherwise meaningful relationship? It's bizarre.

It's also getting out of hand and it's not even one of those things where it seems blatant b/c now im in tune with it so therefore am subconsciously picking it up more because even outsiders have pulled me aside and been like damn. is your friend always like that? Maybe what I need is just a break to reasses what exactly our friendship is built on and what kind of person they truly are. I'm not sure what's wrong with me lately but i've been on a no bullshit kick where i'm actually okay with leaving certain people behind in my life. It's not desirable and not what i want but it's getting to the point where if i'm just like spending more time bitching about them to myself and rolling my eyes--what's the point in being their friend? Not worth it. ESPECIALLY when i have other friends who are just as close or closer to me who ALL have insecurities (as all humans do) but they keep that shit under control!!! Learn from them or simply just please shut the fuck uppppppppppp. Or at least OWN your insecurity. Like obviously don't go around bragging baout it but for fuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkk's sakkkkkkkkkkkke, shut up or see a shrink or at the very least, ADMIT IT.

It's like in mean girls, 'calling someone fat isn't going to make you skinnier.' Or even calling someone skinny isn't going to make you skinnier. If you're not happy with something in your life, accept it or do something about it--those are your two options.

It's funny how easily people forget (myself included) how SUBjective things are. Just because someone thinks you're funny doesn't mean everyone does or will. Just because you think someone is attractive doesn't make it a fact. Etc, etc, etc. Because guess what? There's a lot of other someone elses out there who totally disagree.

I hate to sound like a bitch (actually i don't) but don't try to look at me (or anyone else) to validate you. YOU need to validate you and that's the bottom line.? Example: I already know that I'm not happy with the way I look and someone reallllllllllllly fucking offended me tonight by saying I look like someone i look NOTHING alike--no one has EVER said that me before. I called him out on it and he didn't really have much to say back. B/c stupid shit was WRONG. Another person even told him that. I started to feel even worse about myself when i didn't think it was possible. On the other hand, a really cute guy asked me out last week, at the metro a guy came right up to me just to tell me he thought i was attractive, a guy at my gym expressed interest in me and there are these two guys that wont leave me the hell alone. The goods outweight the one negative comment. End result? I still feel the same about myself because until I become okay with or even LIKE the way I look, I know I won't be happy. It doesn't matter how many people tell you or me that you're pretty or have a good body or whatever it is unless you believe it's true.

I'm not saying I'm perfect or that i NEVER do anything annoying and people should do everything the way I feel is right. All I'm saying is that I think people need to really take a deep breathe and learn to be okay with themselves and STOP projecting their insecurities on other people. Even when you think it's in a way that's not hurting anyone, you're hurting yourself and i feel really fucking stupid saying this but you matter too people...and maybe that's why I'm so fired up about said anonymous close and not close friends are acting this way is because I think they're perfect the way they are and it's really a shame that they don't see it and feel the need to vocalize it in such a matter.

And quite frankly, people should tell you something nice when they feel like it and you shouldn't feel like less of a person until they do.-- SO STOP FUCKING FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS.

I'm in a no fishing zone. Just keep swimming and you'll be just fine.