All These Things I've Done

**Sally Socialite's brain is on hiatus until then: Blast from the Past blogs:**

Sunday, July 20, 2008
Johnny Knoxville better watch out. I think after this weekend I can safely say, I am a far bigger jackass.

No, I didn't build a half pipe in my parents room or travel to India to eat an assortment of bugs with a turban and tighty whities on [neither of which Knoxville did but you know what i mean!] BUT I still managed to make a big jackass of myself.

-Walked around Arlington with the back of my dress tucked in weird and in short, parading my bare ass around. For a block and a half so not a long time but STILL.

-Mistook (Mistakened? LOL no idea) a group of firefighters for a gang...

-Got a bugbite shaped like a sperm on my leg and wondered aloud if I would use bug bite cream or spermicide

-Until pointed out to me, had no idea that I danced--and if I remember the quote correctly-- "like trashy" or as another put it in a more pc way "like a go-go dancer."

-Made all my teachers from kindergarten to college disappointed when on a car i saw "GO ME" and was like "WHATS A GOME!?" only to have my passenger point out kindly that it was go. me. not GOME, as there is no such word.

-Made "Pour Some Sugar on Me" and "Your Love (Tonight") a wildly entertaining, deafening, dangerous, and perhaps traumatic experience (which will probably be the song that always comes on when i walk into a place from now on...hahah)

-Wondered aloud (and i am NOT trying to be mean or offensive) how deaf people learn to read. I'm not being funny or an ass or anything. I'm very serious but b/c I verbalized it, suddenly i'm the bad girl.

-Informed some ghetto kids at the metro by informing them that I'm sorry but the judges have voted that they will not be making it to the next round of America's Best Dance Crew and as their banner drops they have to walk it out for the last time.

-Said "that's what she said" at a most inappropriate time. I'm not allowed anywhere anymore.

-Left d.c. reeking of vodka, champagne, rum, coke, cranberry juice, water, redbull, and orange juice in my hair, dress and shoes.

Good job Sally Socialite.

That said, I'm checkin into to rehab to correct this behavior ASAP... hahah
All the little adventures aside (okay okay let's be honest, INCLUDED haha) this weekend was loads of fun and very much needed.

Conclusion?

Always good to have your sense of humor in hand along with optimism and an i-Pod and friends who make it worthwhile.

Fatima **** is a rockstar.

The wrong attitude makes the hottest guy completely unattractive.
Oh and the other conclusion.

Escaping the FC more and more this year is totally what's makin this year most excellent.

Age Ain't Nothin' But a Number

**Sally Socialite's brain is on hiatus until then: Blast from the Past blogs:**


Monday, March 31, 2008

Happy Birthday to my big sister! YAY!!!

And in other news?

Yeaaahhhh. SO. This week is officially gonna be a blowwwwwwer.

Made some good progress today though.

Tomorrow’s agenda consists of work, reviewing some more places, and then possibly critiquing a stripper (of the male variety). HAHA YEAH. WOO! Not really though. I mean like i’m retardedly boy crazy but there’s something so unappealing about a guy shaking his g-unit in your face whilst wearing a banana hammock. Bleehhh!
Wednesday: Work, write

Thursday: Work, meet my deadline!, and go out for a bit for ms. justine’s bday wahoo!

Friday: Work, start my new assignment, sleeeeeeeep.
Saturday: Open at Hard Times (which I haven’t been to for the past 5 weeks!) and then probably get going on my other assignments.
I thought the whole deal with freelance was that it was supposed to be better than committing yourself to a set schedule but i’m starting to think it’s kinda fun but at the same time suuuuuccccckkkkkks.

Luckily, I’ve found a way to mush some fun into my 8-5. Usually it consists of harrassing my other coworkers but hey, it’s funny! And with Crystal, it's HYSTERICAL! Last week made a paperclip jumprope but sad to say with all the carpet in the place it kept getting snagged in it and then finding coworkers who would stop laughing or take me seriously enough to actually jump it was a task all on it’s own.

Then there was blatantly lying to one in particular b/c he’s just an easy target. He the scary guy i was talking about before. I'm pretty sure he hates me but I like joking with him b/c i refuse to believe that he'll be nice to everyone but me. I'm pretty sure he'll thinks im cute as a button. Fabulous! Then we can be bessssssssssst friends forever. (As if. He's really effing scary and I'm surprised he hasn't choked me yet).

He’s probably in his late 20s but just to pass the time I said...
"Holy crap! Crysal just told me that you were 38 [note: she definitely didn't. i just was bored and wanted to get her in trouble too]and i was like whooooa! You look awesome for your age! I would never have thought you were that OLD. Seriously. Tell me your secret to a youthful appearance b/c you don’t look a day over 30!"

He paused and turned bright red and said,"She said I was how old?"

"She told me you were 38. But shoot, i wish i age as well as you when i’m 38! i mean lucky for me that’s like a decade and some change away."

*In a slightly offended voice* "I’m not 38."

"You are! I even checked it i nthe database. Don’t be shy! Woooooorrrrk itttttt!"

He sorta looked annoyed (which really doesn't deviate much from his usual expression) and scuttled away. Of course, later I told him I was totally just playin’ and he laughed too but come on, like that wasn’t good?! Next I have to trick a few more with the "i heard you..." 1.) Have herpes 2.) Came in late today b/c you were in the drunk tank last night and 3.) used to be a stripper/prostitute.

HAHAH

Good times my friends. Gooooooooood times.

Group Sex! Group Sex! Group Sex!

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Barrrrrrrtendeerrrrrrrr *auto-tune t-pain's voice*

**Sally Socialite's brain is on hiatus until then: Blast from the Past blogs:**
Note: Some days when I hate my job (which is one day too many!), I think about going back to the bar scene. After reading this...i think not! HAHAH

Friday, January 04, 2008
I can't tell if I'm bitchy or funny. Obviously, I'd like to think I was funny. But i think people at work think i'm bitchy. Co-workers, managers, customers...

I swear though. Some people make it sooooooo eassssssyyy! Like tonight for instance. It was a relatively short shift and I already have a handful of examples!
Case 1
M = Manager
S= Sally
*Background: VERY Southern people singing "YOU DONT HAVE TO CALL ME DARLIN!"*
M: What's that sound?
S: It's my table. Drunk rednecks. There's like a million of them! They're super nice. With me, with each other. A little too friendly with each other...I'm tellin ya, it's like an orgy how touchy feely they are with one another. But then, they're rednecks so it could just be a family reunion! Bwahahahha!
M: *laughs * SALLY! That's fucked up.
S: Joke...joke...
M: *Walks away shaking head* Damn you're mean.

It was sooooo just a joke! Cmon! It's funny!
Case 2
FC = Female Customer: 4 obnoxious, crayon-box-exploded-on-my-face-but-i'll-call-it-make-up, overly accesorized girls (Coco Chanel: "Before you leave the house take one thing off" These girls should've taken like 10 things off and need turpentine to wipe their make up off but annyywayss)
S=Sally
MC= Male Customer

C: Can you give us limes and salt for our shots?
S: Sure! I'll be right back with that.
*I come back with it and they're already done with their shots and some how already had limes and salt*
C: HAHAHAHAH! [literally in my face like an inch away] HAHAHAH! SORRRY! It's just like someone already brought it for us while you were getting it! HAHAH But you're fabulous anyways! HAHAHHA
S: HAHAHAH (just as fake as them) Aw, thanks! Wish I could say you guys were too but you're drinking RAIL TEQUILA. (at which other people standing around made horrible faces)Not fabulous. Not even human ewww!

Well. That stopped her in her tracks. She glared at me so I wandered away to another customer and when I turned around they left.

***Note: I only said it b/c she was IN MY FACE! And they already tipped so I didn't have to worry about losing it. Bwahaha
S: Where did the banchees go?
MC: Excuse me?
S: One of the banchees ordered a beer. Where did she go?
MC: Oh. They left...They just got here too so...I dont know why they did leave so early...but i'll pay for their beer...

Now he looked pretty bummed out about it b/c i guess he and his friends thought they were hot... ew... anyways so i felt bad the girls skipped out on them if they wanted get with them, so to make 'em feel less rejected I said...

S: Dude, they look like stevie wonder did their make up and ordered rail tequila and beer. As classy as that is... I think you can do better. And if you still wanna sleep with them, then it looks like you're gonna need rail tequila to get through it too.
MC and friends: HAHAHA Damn girl.
S: What? You think i'm mean? Can you honestly tell me that isn't true?
MC and friends: OOooh girl. You're mean.
S: *shrugs* When you tell me I'm lying, i'll take it back...
MC: Cmon they weren't that bad.
S: No, in fairness they weren't totally busted but can I make a suggestion?
MC: Why not.
S: Masturbate. You won't regret it in the morning.
FUNNY right? Not mean. Not bitchy!

*Sigh*

Well, I dont know what I can do to shake my bitchy reputation b/c i promise you i'm not. Maybe smartass is a better word? But then smartass is just a nice way of saying bitch. Hahah WELL! Better to be a smartass then a dumbass....

So Hot in...So Hot in HURR!

**Sally Socialite's brain is on hiatus until then: Blast from the Past blogs:**

Friday, December 07, 2007
Lalalalala! I'm in a great mood cuz the Skins won yesterday. Woo hoo! Yes, bitches, they sure did. I was at my friend's art show before hand and almost socked this girl right in the face b/c she was skins bashing. Which is totally fine b/c you're allowed to like or not like teams but she was being so fuckin' DUMB and obnoxious about it.
Whatevers.
Unfortunately, I'm starting to worry about myself b/c I've turned into a man when it comes to football. Must. Watch. Football. No speaking of subjects unrelated to football or no answer will be given. Thankfully I don't drink beer, really, so that's my saving grace. Instead it was bailey's and coffee. MmmMMMm! Watched the game with my burke boys and David (Luv 'em all!) and then some random cartoons that they played later after the game on the screens.
Then wandered home and stayed up talking to my mom while she watched something on the news about global warming and I really wanna know something. Why is global warming such a problem? I'm serious. I tried to ask my mom about it and the convo went like this...:
Me: I dont understand global warming.
Mom: What don't you understand?
Me: Why it's a problem.
Mom: Um. Well it's--
Me: Okay it's probably like "oh crap flooding!"
Mom: Well yes, and--
Me: So. Why don't we take it all to the deserts then? Like the sarhara, death valley, australian outback.
Mom: It's not that--
Me: Or! Contact brita and get a reallllllly big filter. or like a few thousand filters and we can drink it all. They always say that there are thirsty starving people out there. Sooo let's not hog the ice caps and share!
Mom: Sally, those--
Me: OR! Put it in a reallllllly big humidifier. Brings moisture to the air or clears pores. OR, Mom i'm on a roll here, get like a really big pot and boil it all away until it like evaporates...Mom? Mom. I'm a genius.
Mom: *blank stare*
Me: Mom...am I dumb? THose were really smart ideas!
Mom: Oh Sally, you think in a different way that's all.
Like the way she didn't say that i wasn't dumb? Hahah it's ok i stll love her. And i still think I have good ideas. so there! Off to find something warm to wear and/or drink. Peace out!

I Just Want Your Extra Time and Your....Kiss

**Sally Socialite's brain is on hiatus until then: Blast from the Past blogs:**

Monday, December 03, 2007 :
Thursday I got a little more than wasted. It was *NOT* pretty and I do apologize to anyone who had to be in a 20 mile radius of me because there's a good chance that I
1.) Swung my arms around you and proclaimed to everyone that "I LOVE THIS GIRL/GUY! HE/SHE IS COOL AS SHIT!" and really meant it.
2.) Told you some inane story. I dont remember telling any stories but it apparently have happened.
3.) I may have tried to include you in my dance/singing party and if you refused to participate I'd said "You know what? You're pretty fuckin' boring. You're lucky you're sexy or this friendship wouldn't work. Ahhh it would. im kidding. IM KIDDING!"
4.) I may have broken your ear drums shrieking with laughter or yelling in general. Esp "Stop fuckin' trying to gang bang me!" as i yelled to 3 groups of guys. Eek.
5.) Slurred speech. "ifffuggin canned rive butssssss oon!" = i fuckin' cant drive but soon!
*Cringes*
I have serious drinkers remorse. But particulary b/c i ended up making out with several guys...that I didnt know and couldn't pick out from a crowd. And to those boys and many others (def not all!!! mmm def not all hahah) read this list and follow the rules!
I. Thou shall not use tongue as a blender
-Tongue in mouth and then it goes all over the place without rhyme or reason and just ends up uncomfortable and sloppy. Thanks but i'd rather NOT have my tongue pureed.

II. Thou shal not try to digest partner
-Sometimes they'll stick their tongue so far down my throat and mash their face into mine that i'm parallel to the ground. Please. Don't try to inhale me/digest me. It's so not becoming...

III. Thou shall not attempt to be Mike Tyson.
-Biting of the lip should only be done by people who actually know how to execute it properly. This guy kept trying to do that and

IV. Thou shall not make out with Cousin It.
-If you're trying to kiss my neck then go for it. If my hair is in the way the fuckin' move it or wait for me to move it instead of just going for it. If not, I end up with wet, soaking spit stained hair hitting me against my neck which decreases your chances by a million and Then you've just got a mouthful of hair.

V. Thou shall not try to do too many things at once.
-This one kid try to hold my face while kissing me, move his tongue around, bit my lip, and do something with my hair all at once. And then he kept repeating the cycle! I was like okk that's enough.

VI. Thou shall not let the tongue get out of control.
-Your tongue should not be used as a blender (as noted in the first 'shall not') but it also should resemble a hose of a vacuum cleaner that's gone crazy, a dead fish, a sword fight/hockey game, washing machine cycle...

VII. Thou shall not lather, rinse, repeat.
-Meaning dont do the same shit over and over again. It gets old no matter how hot you are.

VIII. Thou shall not talk too much whilst kissing.
-You kiss me. You ask me a random question (what's your name? what are you doing later? Do you have a boyfriend?) and before i can answer you already kiss me again. Or when I respond you keep kissing me so the answer gets all chopped up. "It....s...Sal...ly..." It's awkward and you dont actually care or will remember soooo...

IX.

X.

I leave the last two blank for you guys to fill in. It's not just guys that break this thou shall nots so dont get in all my face guys or send me hostile messages b/c I imagine that it can be this way for girls too. I haven't really made out with any girls before soo.. (Does Thurs count? I hope not. b/c i was caught of guard and pinned to the ground!)

Any how, I'm gonna get going here. But kisses to all! (Following the thou shall nots of course...haha)

Seek Me and You Shall Find

Well! I can't tell you who originally said that, but I CAN tell you it wasn't a pile of 20,000 stickers.

Yes. 20,000 stickers.

Please remove any thoughts of lisa frank stickers, scratch and sniff stickers, etc. B/c it's not that kinda sticker i'm talking about.

Long story short, I'm creating and ordering stickers for the case of a product at work.

But. No one told me 1.) Google is NOT your friend 2.) It's hard to find an egg shaped sticker (given that the case is not all one size from top to bottom. "Sally it's oblong!" Me: "...isnt that the tea they serve at chinese restaurants?" "No sally. thats OOLONG tea...") 3.) Just how stupid a sticker can make you feel.

I was like okay it's not an even packaging so I asked if a bigger sticker was preferred (to fold over the sides at the top part where it's smaller) or a smaller one b/c it's cheaper and easier. Smaller won (for once. for stickers that is. sorry guys, not off the hook yet!)

SO. Anyways, I did the logical thing and pulled out a ruler to measure the sides. Thats when the panic started.

I realized that unless it's at the inch mark, half an in mark, and after about 20 mins i figured out what quarter inch mark was, those are the ONLY markings on a ruler i recognized. One of the sites offered 3 and 7/8s. I was all pumped b/c i figured out what the quarter inch mark was so i figured this should be easy.

Okay um NOOOOOOOOO. Not at all! I had to google it b/c naturally i was too afraid to ask b/c i feel like thats something like grown ups should know. Well this grown up didn't ok-k-k? And then it's like Damn, is that ASIAN girl asking a MATH question??? I know! Her parents must be white! Nope. They're asian too. And probably horrified that i'm a trainwreck with all things math. (like when people are like OMG this place is having a 30% off sale! i fake delight and match my friends squeal for squeal but really, inside i'm like wtf does that MEAN? how much money is a sally saving??)

AND to add insult to injury, the dimensions changed when we decided to use a circle sticker instead.

I was like FUCK. how do you measure a circle?!

So i went back to google. it was talking all this diameter, radius, pi, circumference bull shit. I'm like FML!!!!

And then i got mad at google for being smarter than me. Google is like my husband. Sexy. Reliable. Keeps up with the times. Knows everything. Perfect perfect perfect.

Pefection can be boring so i like to mix it up and went to my other secret lover/boy toy, Wikipedia. Not quite as perfect and a bit limited but still gets the job done.

I hope the two never meet.

Anyways.

Wiki didn't help me either b/c it was showing this crazy half circle ruler thing that drew circles.

Protractor?

I dont know. All i know is that a protractor is NOT indeed a professional tractor. Like tractor that farmers use. Not a bad joke, im totally serious.

Anyways...

So then I went to dictionary.com aka the fuck buddy. You want it one thing. you dont care about its history. You want what you want and you wanna get in and out and never speak of it.

But even dictionary.com couldnt break it down for me.

So I got a ruler out and tried to measure the darn thing and guessed that the diameter (which really just means how long a circle is in the middle part)was 4". Okay very well. Then i was like wait, is that true for top and bottom also?


Whateeveer.

All this mathness makes me flash back to my 4th grade teacher who said that we would need to know how to use this stuff in the future and me and my friends being like OMG whatever we are never going to use this in the future.

And here i am. In the future. Needing to know how to use this.

And to answer your question Mr. Foxworthy...No. I'm not smarter than a 5th grader. But i can still kick a 5th graders ass if he/she objects to helping a Sally out with basic math.