That Funky Monkey

Actually, not so much a funky monkey as a dirty cunt monkey.

The old bitch (yes, of the GLUE IN YOUR SHOES WILL KILL EVERYONE) has officially downgraded herself in the Sally Pak burn book as dirty cunt monkey and will henceforth be known as DCM.

My iPod, Pingu, is currently in a coma and while I have the best doctors looking out for him (ok...2 coworkers and a former coworker), I'm forced to brave the gym sans iPod. Not as boring as I thought it would be since I stationed myself in front of a tv news screen and caught up with the world while an eldery man on the machine next to me sighed noisily every ten minutes or so followed by a headshake. I like to call him Mr. Ed given the horselike manner in which he excuted his sighs and headshakes.

Anyways, post work out, I hit the dry sauna per usual and felt naked without Pingu accompanying me. I hate being in public without my phone or iPod b/c it seems to give people the indication that I would love to speak with them about shoes and ships and ceiling wax, cabbages and kings... and basically other crazy/annoying shit. Or treat me as a personal clock, GPS or tour guide.

Whatever, anyways I thought i was in the clear with DCM until i saw her ugly melted candle of a face make an appearance. FUCCCCCKKKKKKKKK MY LIFE. I desperately looked around for other Koreans she could speak to but only 2 people in there was 1.) a Filipino girl with an iPod (lucky bitch) and a towel on her face and 2.) an elderly Jewish man (he was rockin' a star of David) I like to call Horton, and has so much hair in his ear i don't think Horton heard a Whoo or anything else.

She doesn't say anything at first but I'm no fool so i turned my back to her and stretched and closed my eyes.

Yeah no such luck.

(all in Korean)
DCM: Miss? YOUNG Miss?
Me: *tersley* What.
DCM: You have some ugly skin on your ugly legs. What is that?
Me: I have "psoriasis"(that word was in english. fucked if i know how to say it in korean) *struggling to keep my voice neutral*
DCM: Just on the legs?
Me: Yep.
DCM: It's b/c you wear shoes in the sauna.

I snap around so suddenly that even Horton heard through his scrub brush ears and looked nervous.

Me: Please stop talking. I dont want to talk to an old crazy lady like you.
DCM: You wear SHOES in the SAUNA. That's why you have UGLY SKIN ON UGLY LEGS.

Horton's looking pretttty perplexed and keeps playing with his star of David, but doesn't seem to look away.

I actually didn't say anything for once in my life. I sighed much like Mr. Ed.

DCM: Hello? (she flips to english) You wear shoes in sauna. That's why you have UGLY SKIN. BECAUSE. YOU WEAR THE SHOES IN THE SAUNA.

I grip the towel that I'm sitting on and Horton looks like he's about to shit a brick.

Filipina decided to exit, but i'm not sure that was conversation related.

Me: [korean] It's BETTER THAN WEARING FLIP FLOPS B/C APPARENTLY THAT GIVES YOU UGLY FAT ON YOUR UGLY FACE AND YOUR UGLY BODY.

Horton's not a Korean-Jewish man so he has no idea what i said but he knows it wasn't nice. Horton may not hear a whoo but he's not a dumbass.

Horton finally stops looking terrified and actually looks at me sympathetically b/c he can see at this point I 1.) dont want to be spoken to 2.) obviously dont ENJOY having psoriasis or 'ugly legs' 3.) Just want this DCM to just leave me alone for fucks sake

He smiles kindly as he sees tears in my eyes and mutters for me to ignore her.

I smile back at him and blink back my tears. WTF, Sally Pak is a lot of things but a punk ass bitch being pushed around my Lumiere's great grandmother is NOT one of them.

I murmur back to him in a somewhat low tone that if she doesn't lay off I will smack her back to Sudan. Horton is confused and says he thought DCM and i were korean. I assured him that yes, we are but i was ready to hit her so hard that she would fly past the motherland and make another lap around and end up in a war ridden country where they hate women anyways. A transcontinental bitch slap if you will.

[well i said all of that minus the last sentence. too bad. it's fucking brill.]


I'm not sure if Horton knew if i was kidding or not (neither did i frankly) and calmly said that i didn't wanna do that or at least i shouldn't and to just ignore her. Don't be as immature as she is. Feel sorry for her. Pray for her! then leaves.


DCM is feeling QUITE left out at this point and interrupts with HMMMMMMM? You're speaking but i can't hear you.

I pick up my towel and without looking at her walk off. Middle finger in the air (sorry horton--it's not that i'm immature. it's that i'm one pissed bitch).

Mazel!

Na-na- na-na-na-na-knees, knees

I wonder how many of you counted the number of "na-na"s in my title to see if it matched the number that Axel Rose belted out in "Welcome to the Jungle." hahahha

Moving along, the pain in my right knee is AWFUL. I think I might go out and get crutches today but that seems all kinds of ironic in itself. I'm not supposed to move around and unfortunately I need to in order to get said crutches...

Needless to say this weekend has been a BLAST (I mean this with very heavy sarcasm). I didn't do a single thing. I went to the gym yesterday and that was pretty much the only time I left my house. I probably wouldn't even have done that if I didn't need cigarettes. Oh, hi again irony. I know I get it.

Initially I had plans to get coffee with Garth, walk with Linds and then out to the bar with Bex but due to 1.) Having a terrible fucking period (you're welcome male readers) 2.) Linds out car shopping (EEEK!!!! Very exciting...!!) and 3.) I'm ready to gnaw off my right knee, I think its a good thing that none of those things happened.

I webMD'ed myself which I don't usually do and it basically says to put ice on it, don't work out and quit being a fucking baby. No need for a doctor unless something breaks pretty much. Awesome.

I should probably take this time of being an injured bird to get myself organized. I'm beyond a hot mess. My room is a train wreck, I keep fucking forgetting about previous engagements and either missing them or getting flustered. I need to nip that in the bud.

I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo supppppppppppperrrrrrrrr bummmmmmmmmmmmmmed about Janel's wedding and missing all of her wedding related things!!!! I sent a nice gift in lieu of my presence for her bridal shower but it's not the same! I'm trying to think of something nice to do for her including a trip up to see her. I'd like to drive but not alone but don't have anyone to join me [any takers?] I get lost a little too easily, get nervous on a high way and need someone not annoying to take along. Or, I could fly there but I don't know how close her new place is to the airport and it seems counter productive to go there and then be a burden to her and hubbie to be. I need to mull this over some more.

WAH. Unmotivated. I dont even wanna get up and brush my teeth right now.

PS Sigh again, so much for blogging more regularly. The other thing i was supposed to do was travel EVERYwhere with my dig camera so I could upload pix to my blog b/c as people never tire of saying "Pics or it didn't happen!"

Here in this Diary

Ok EPIC FAIL. I'm not capable of blogging EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I just can't do it. I don't always have access to my computer (i.e. i'm not at home 24/7) and blogging via phone is going to take forever and you all know how much I like to talk.

Besides, any of you who read Bridget Jones' Diary know that bitch didn't write in her diary every day either!

Wha-ha-happened these past few days. I don't even remember... I did see the biatch in the dry sauna again. You know "OB." I may have left our battleground triumphantly but let's face it, it was mostly a front. I was ready to battle her out again but as I tip toed to the sauna and peered in I knew I wasn't as badass as I led on. Badasses dont tip toe in. They walk in there like oh hi i run this bitch. WHAT.

I peeked in and didn't see her so I felt my shoulders relax. As I got closer I realized it WAS her. I'm just not in the mood to fight so I [not so] bravely closed my eyes and sat against a wall far from her. Or at least I'd like to think it was far. She was lying in the middle so... Anyways, she didn't see me and I pretended not to see her aka kept my eyes closed. Unfortunately all I wanted to do was stretch out (um hi, have you been on an eliptical set to a resistance of 20 for 45 minutes? Ouch. Well not so much as ouch as it is wanting to stretch it on out. But I would need to open my eyes for that and it just wasn't happening. I opened one eye warily and saw OB standing and staring STRAIGHT. AT. ME. She wanted to say something but I quickly closed that eye. Fail for both of us. She didn't get to talk and I was being passive aggressive.

She walked out and I stretched freely and now that my eyes were open, the sauna was filled with people wearing "SHOES WITH GLUE THAT IS GOING TO KILL EVERYONE." What now biatch? I laughed to myself particuarly when OB returned and saw all of us in there with our death shoes on. She started to say something to me but this time I was less polite, kept my headphones on and walked out. See biatch!

Side note but totes relevant (aside from the fact that i hate that i openly use the word 'totes') It's Mardi Gras today and myyyyyyyyyyyyyyy how things have changed. Here I am freshly showered blogging at 10pm about a fight with a 90 year old when just a few years ago, I'd be on my way to a bar that was doing something kitchy for Mardi Gras (ie when I celebrated Bacardi Gras circa 2007).

Pathetic.

And All That Jazz

Seriously? I missed blogging yesterday. I wasn't home at all except to change and go back out and eventually sleep. That totally puts a damper on blogging everyday for a year. I think I shoud get immunity b/c I wasnt home and sure I could've done it at work but it was AT WORK.. you know WORKING.

*sigh*

That said, I am balls tired. I can't stop saying the word balls. I dont know why! Everything is balls cold or oh balls. I know I pointed out that its my new fav saying but STILL. I'm balls tired b/c a friend of mine had to put her dog down to sleep minutes ago and I just got off the phone with her to make sure she was doing okay. And she is. Whew!

Change of topic, Happy 7th anniversary to the DC Girly Show! They put on a great production of Chicago last night at Phase. All the ladies and members of the DC Kings did an AWESOME job.

Zach Morris TIME OUT style: I have to braggy brag here for a second--my NoN-Best Friend, Private Tails (stage name obv) is TOTES the best performer of the bunch and she is amazing!!! Super pretty [i know, irrelevant but still, snaps to her genetics!) and has such stage presence! Best dancer, highest kicks, best splits, most energy--She's amazeballs (OMG BALLS AGAIN!) and if you haven't seen her yet or if you're not in this area, you have to go to a show/look her stuff up. FAB!

Ok, I'm going back to bed. Nothing funny or quirky to say but just wanted to blog to keep things up.

And for the record, to the losers who told me we were getting snowed out tomorrow, F. U.

It's PM showers and we'll be back up to 60 degrees by Weds...

Keeps Getting Better

I woke up this morning like a bitch. Bitch meaning a scary mean for no reason girl. I was ready to slice people with my cutting remarks. I barely looked up from my screen at work let alone uttered any words. I was pretty sure today was gonna suck.

It didn't!

I think it's helpful that the people on my floor are actually really nice so even if I wanted to be mean and nasty, I just couldn't.

I think the FML moment of the day was so horrifying, it just made me laugh. Turn about ten shades of red and laugh. Sometimes, it's like there's nothing else you can do. I was emailing my coworkers a forward from a pervy coworker. Long story short, this is the guy who 'accidentally' forgot I was Asian right after he announced that he's never had an Asian girl and has always wanted to bang one out. Classy.

Anyways, he had forwarded me an email from his consultant who is in love with him. It was pretty funny. Not so funny? She's ruining my life b/c she doesn't know how to do something pretty basic and it's beyond frustrating. So he forwards an email to my boss and me letting us know that his person is having some trouble. I wrote back to him saying that I hate his girlfriend and I would appreciate that in the future, he chose SMARTER girls. He wrote back saying that he's not gonna lie--he loves dumb girls! I snorted and forwarded his email to two girls that were in my department (the others were away from their desk) and the girl who sits by said person. We'll call him Ernie. My mean email with the forward below said "Yeah b/c that's the only girl that would go for him. [i.e. dumb] Just saying!" one girl snorted and giggled, another wrote to me expressing her agreement and the OTHER girl put my shit on blast b/c she wrote back to me and CC'ed ERNIE!!!! HE SAW MY MEAN EMAIL. Then writes to me saying that he appreciates my kind words.

Holy fuck. HOLY BALLS. HOLY. BALLS. I was horribly embarrassed.

I guess there's something to be said about don't say behind someone's back what you wouldn't say to their face.

You think that would've made my day worse but at that point I did the only thing you can do. Laugh. Heartily and really hard.

And then the rest of my day did fall into place.

I learned the following:

Meatloaf will do the following for love:
*Anything
Meatloaf will NOT do the following for love:
*That

Dust Yourself Off and Try Again

Fail. One of my new year's resolution was almost like a challenge to myself which is to blog literally every single day. Not always too in depth but throw something up every single day.

Given that it's halfway through Feb and I only have one post, which I didnt write, I think it's safe to say it's a total fail. But you know, at the same time, who said the year had to start with Jan 1? So what if the calendar year starts with Jan 1, doesnt mean that I have to also.

I know, Sally, you rebel you.

So here I am, dusting myself off and trying again.

Today was amusing. I realized halfway during the day that I was NOT capable of shutting the fuck up. My coworkers kindly humored me but I'm sure they were like SHUT THE FUCK UP SALLY. Even if they didn't say it to my face.

Oh Balls (which btw is totes my new fav saying). And here I go on another tangent of nothingness.

One of my coworkers said to me "Sally H. Pak." (Yes, dear readers, I did just reveal my last name. Come after me and I will have the police on you SOQUICK.)

To which I responded "How did you know that was my middlename?!" Then shortly thereafter said "No..not really. I don't have a middle name."

Said coworker pondered this for a moment and then said "That's right, it's b/c you're Asian."

WHAT!? I really do wonder sometimes...

I don't hold it against him. I learned at the gym today that my own peope are quite ignorant as well. The following below is a rough transcript of my interaction. And OB = the old bitch I was talking to.

OB *taps me on the shoulder* : EXCUSE ME.
Me *sighs noisly and takes headphones off*: Yes?
OB: You can't wear shoes in the dry sauna.
Me: Yes I can and there's nothing that says I cant.
OB: YOU CANT WEAR SHOES IN THE SAUNA. YOU ARE KILLING EVERYONE WITH THE GLUE IN YOUR SHOES.
Me: *narrows my eyes at her in annoyance* I dont generally keep glue in my shoes and what about your flip flops?
OB: What country you from?
Me: I'm from...
OB: You half Chinese half white?
Me: No, I'm
OB: ARE YOU SPANISH AND ASIAN?
Me: I'm Korean.
OB: ME TOO. *switches to speaking in korean* You dont look Korean.
Me: *also switches to Korean* Yep. I am.
OB: But your LEGS are muscular. Very sturdy.
Me: Yep. I work out.
OB: Korean people have VERY skinny legs. Your legs are STRONG. NOT FAT. STRONG.
Me: Well. I'm still korean...
OB: You SURE?
Me: WHAT?
(mind you i'm speaking to her in korean this whole convo is in korean...)
OB: But Korean legs are like toothpicks. See? I'm over 60 and my legs are SKINNY. B/c i am KOREAN.
Me: *overly sweetly* Youre right. Your legs are skinny like Korean people. But you're also fat. Most Koreans aren't. Maybe YOU'RE not korean BECAUSE YOURE FAT.
OB: HOW DARE YOU TALK TO YOUR ELDER LIKE THIS? DO YOUR PARENTS GO HERE?
*me momentarily picturing my parents chasing me around screaming SHAME, Sally. SHAME. Then I realize, you know what? I'm damn near 30*
Me: I talk however I want to and yes, my parents do go here. They're Korean and NOT FAT.

Stony silence. Both of us are STUBBORN bitches at this point so neither of us want to be the first to leave the sauna. She's about 100 years old and I know she's about give out first. I may be a smoker but I work out like a champ and KNOW I can outlast here. And if home girl thinks for one second she's going to intimidate me out of here, she MUST be confused. I will stay here until i resemble dehyrdrated space food or until I pass out or DIE.

2 minutes later she leaves.

VICTORY IS MINE!

Last Friday Night

Actually it wasn't a friday so much as it was a Saturday night.

This blog isn't from me but rather a former coworker i've kept in touch with whom i adore! I normally save my blog for Sally stuff but this was so damn well written and hilarious, it couldn't help but post it. You dont have to know Aaron to get it but quick backstory, Aaron, Kacey (another former coworker/current friend haha) and I used to have urban Thursdays so you bring to the table all things urban that occured.

Here's what he sent us:

"Well wuzdamuhfuckindeal youbama's---

I want to walk you through my Saturday evening in hopes to make you laugh:

It starts around 5pm on Saturday evening. I get a phone call from my
buddy, Chris Long. You have to google him real quickly for the story
if you don't know who he is. He is about a 6'4" 270lb white honkey
that plays in the NFL and doesn't really see color/race/creed. He
tells me he is in town and it is our friends, Jameel Sewell (also look
him up-- the complete opposite), birthday. He tells me that he flew in
for the party and that I need to meet him at his hotel room in DC ASAP
and that we are going to a black tie gala for the "grown and sexy".

I show up to the hotel dressed to impress although I really have no
idea what I am getting myself into. I show up to his hotel room and
there is a hotel room full of black people with wardrobes completely
dressed in black with the following: huge designer belt buckles,
sunglasses, huge earrings, necklaces, etc. The whole nine.

We start taking shots of Hennessey and Jack while watching football
and listening to Common and Drake's feud.

Then it's off to the DC convention center. The birthday boy tells me
that this is the biggest party in DC. When we show up The line is
wrapped around the whole convention center and it is all middle-aged
African Americans dressed in their Sunday's Best dancing, being loud,
laughing for no reason, repeating what everyone says and clapping and
sneaking personal flask shots and Sutter Home bottle swings-- and this
was just in the line waiting to get checked in.

Of course my group didn't have to wait in line because we had VIP
tickets. All 8 of us were by far the youngest ones there. As Chris and
I are looking around we do not see ONE other white person (besides for
Chris, at this event I am considered a light skinned black guy and all
the heavy women are hitting on me hard, cause apparently thats what I
attrack in the black community. No Meghan Fox's or Gabrielle Unions of
the world, just the Precious's and Monique's).

We get up to security line where they have to wand your whole body for
weapons. The strange thing, at least I thought, was that everyone's
belt buckle would activate the wand and the security officer's would
NOT actually pat down the waists, where I would assume most of the
guns would be.

We get in and MY BOI Raheem DeVaughn is performing. All of the Grown
and Sexy single ladies are taking pictures, shaking their booty, and
throwing their underwear on the stage:

Line of the night from Raheem: "Damn, for all of those women throwing
their draws up here, I respect you. Going commando in 20 degree heat
shows the dedication to fucking me later"

The whole party was rocking and it seems that no one was really
drinking. There were six bars for 5,000 people and the line had to be
100 people deep. People were just partying and having a good time
sober! It was ridiculous to see that many people truly enjoying
themselves without imbibing on god's sweet nectar.

Low point in the night: I looked really good. Usually, this would come
as a precursor to a high point of the night (sex) but not in this
story.

Situation:

I just sit down at our table and just checking out the scene/ texting
people how ridiculous this party is.

40+ yr old Guy (in a fast jive-y kind of talk): Yo man, tonight is all
about play son, put down your phone and save work for tomorrow (gives
me a black handshake which will now be called a "dap")

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. I know whatchu mean son. I was just checkin in on someone.

40yr old Guy: You wanna hear something funny?

Me: (Didn't have time to respond)

40: I told mah pahtnah that I was going to be a vegetarian or some
shit in 2012--
Me: puzzled and not really listening)
40: But, I mean what the fuck, I can't be a vegetarian when there is
all this meat around (daps me like five times and leaves)

Me-- completely not really registering what is going on and go back to
my text. I replay what just happened and then I look to my right and
this guy is kissing on another man while pointing to me and smiling.

I quickly run to my group and hide from this guy the rest of the night.

Now, this may seem like an urban night already, however the best part
about the evening was the photography station. Right when you walk in
they have the typical red carpet where you can get your "grown and
sexy" picture with the liquor advertisement backdrop.

However, in the back corner of the convention center they had 3
different water painted backdrops that you could pose in front of.

The three consisted of:
1. a white gazeebo in front of a flowing waterfall during a sunset
2. a piano room with an empty bench where you could pose to be sitting
on with candles lit all around it
4. a forest theme

Groups of people/ couples/ and single people were lined up to take
pictures all night. We took the picture in the piano room.

The music was so loud that Chris and I decided to leave and meet up
with our other UVA friends. We get into the cab to go to some other
bar and Chris turns to me and says:

"hey did you hear that couple when we left? They said "well, there
goes the only two (white guys)"

I was DEVASTATED! My whole entire night went down the drain and I
still have not fully recovered..."