That Funky Monkey

Actually, not so much a funky monkey as a dirty cunt monkey.

The old bitch (yes, of the GLUE IN YOUR SHOES WILL KILL EVERYONE) has officially downgraded herself in the Sally Pak burn book as dirty cunt monkey and will henceforth be known as DCM.

My iPod, Pingu, is currently in a coma and while I have the best doctors looking out for him (ok...2 coworkers and a former coworker), I'm forced to brave the gym sans iPod. Not as boring as I thought it would be since I stationed myself in front of a tv news screen and caught up with the world while an eldery man on the machine next to me sighed noisily every ten minutes or so followed by a headshake. I like to call him Mr. Ed given the horselike manner in which he excuted his sighs and headshakes.

Anyways, post work out, I hit the dry sauna per usual and felt naked without Pingu accompanying me. I hate being in public without my phone or iPod b/c it seems to give people the indication that I would love to speak with them about shoes and ships and ceiling wax, cabbages and kings... and basically other crazy/annoying shit. Or treat me as a personal clock, GPS or tour guide.

Whatever, anyways I thought i was in the clear with DCM until i saw her ugly melted candle of a face make an appearance. FUCCCCCKKKKKKKKK MY LIFE. I desperately looked around for other Koreans she could speak to but only 2 people in there was 1.) a Filipino girl with an iPod (lucky bitch) and a towel on her face and 2.) an elderly Jewish man (he was rockin' a star of David) I like to call Horton, and has so much hair in his ear i don't think Horton heard a Whoo or anything else.

She doesn't say anything at first but I'm no fool so i turned my back to her and stretched and closed my eyes.

Yeah no such luck.

(all in Korean)
DCM: Miss? YOUNG Miss?
Me: *tersley* What.
DCM: You have some ugly skin on your ugly legs. What is that?
Me: I have "psoriasis"(that word was in english. fucked if i know how to say it in korean) *struggling to keep my voice neutral*
DCM: Just on the legs?
Me: Yep.
DCM: It's b/c you wear shoes in the sauna.

I snap around so suddenly that even Horton heard through his scrub brush ears and looked nervous.

Me: Please stop talking. I dont want to talk to an old crazy lady like you.
DCM: You wear SHOES in the SAUNA. That's why you have UGLY SKIN ON UGLY LEGS.

Horton's looking pretttty perplexed and keeps playing with his star of David, but doesn't seem to look away.

I actually didn't say anything for once in my life. I sighed much like Mr. Ed.

DCM: Hello? (she flips to english) You wear shoes in sauna. That's why you have UGLY SKIN. BECAUSE. YOU WEAR THE SHOES IN THE SAUNA.

I grip the towel that I'm sitting on and Horton looks like he's about to shit a brick.

Filipina decided to exit, but i'm not sure that was conversation related.

Me: [korean] It's BETTER THAN WEARING FLIP FLOPS B/C APPARENTLY THAT GIVES YOU UGLY FAT ON YOUR UGLY FACE AND YOUR UGLY BODY.

Horton's not a Korean-Jewish man so he has no idea what i said but he knows it wasn't nice. Horton may not hear a whoo but he's not a dumbass.

Horton finally stops looking terrified and actually looks at me sympathetically b/c he can see at this point I 1.) dont want to be spoken to 2.) obviously dont ENJOY having psoriasis or 'ugly legs' 3.) Just want this DCM to just leave me alone for fucks sake

He smiles kindly as he sees tears in my eyes and mutters for me to ignore her.

I smile back at him and blink back my tears. WTF, Sally Pak is a lot of things but a punk ass bitch being pushed around my Lumiere's great grandmother is NOT one of them.

I murmur back to him in a somewhat low tone that if she doesn't lay off I will smack her back to Sudan. Horton is confused and says he thought DCM and i were korean. I assured him that yes, we are but i was ready to hit her so hard that she would fly past the motherland and make another lap around and end up in a war ridden country where they hate women anyways. A transcontinental bitch slap if you will.

[well i said all of that minus the last sentence. too bad. it's fucking brill.]


I'm not sure if Horton knew if i was kidding or not (neither did i frankly) and calmly said that i didn't wanna do that or at least i shouldn't and to just ignore her. Don't be as immature as she is. Feel sorry for her. Pray for her! then leaves.


DCM is feeling QUITE left out at this point and interrupts with HMMMMMMM? You're speaking but i can't hear you.

I pick up my towel and without looking at her walk off. Middle finger in the air (sorry horton--it's not that i'm immature. it's that i'm one pissed bitch).

Mazel!