Is Someone Getting The Best of You?

OMGGGGGGGG My brain matches my body and that is FRIED.

I think I totaly od'ed on tanning. I went for a 3 mile walk/jog (i know..i should not be jogging with a fucked up knee...) outside in the sun, immediately to the pool to join my older sis lounging by the pool and then i went tanning with Linds at Hollywood Tans.

Honestly? i didn't think much about it until i got home and was greeted with "Stop tanning. You're red as in not orange and not tan. Just...red."

I felt my arms and they felt just fine. Then I saw myself in the mirror and did a double take. I am red. Wtf!? But it doesn't hurt...weird~! I think I am turning tanorexic. And also hating myself a bit b/c i swore i'd never be jerseylicious tan or someone who used "cutesy" made up words such tanorexic...

Anyways that's all beside the point.

The point is--is someone getting the best of you and what the fuck do you do if it's YOU that's getting the best of you?

I know. I just blew all of your minds.

I'm so frazzled because I feel like lately I've been bombared with opinions. Some have been b/c I've straight up asked and others have volunteered--which is fine too (for the most part.) The thing is is that when you have too many metaphoric cooks in the metaphoric kitchen it's like...wtf are we trying to make again? i dont know.

It's human nature to want other people's opinion about things but when you ask, you really better know what it is that you want and be prepared for the answers you get. Some answers can be enlightening and others...just really don't get it.

As friends, in theory we're all supposed to want whats best for your friend. Sometimes, I think that it can suddenly change your original thoughts as well. I dont know. It's all confusing and incredibly frustrating. You can't get mad at anyone for having an opinion. You can disagree, but you can't get mad. People are free to think whatever the hell they want to and even if you'd given advice you dont like or don't agree with then guess what? DONT LISTEN TO IT!

I feel like im ranting like a whackadoo b/c i have no fucking idea what's going on right now with a lot of aspects of my life and I feel like (the same way I often feel...) that people are disregarding MY feelings and MY perceptions and not keeping who I AM into perspective when telling me things. It's always easier from the outsiders opinion. I get it. I agree. And I'm postive I probably have done or still do the same with other people. But to make finite conclusions can be really frustrating when on the receiving end of things.

I KNOW, WE KNOW you want________, like___________, and hope for ____________. And sometimes that is oh so true and people are like totally right. OTHER TIMES, i'm like YOU CANNOT SAY THAT and you NEED to stop telling my I'm in denial about certain things whether it's work love life family or other, IF I MYSELF dont fucking know. I know sometimes that I will deny deny deny and what the other person saying IS true, but other times i'm being very candid and honest and I have no fucking idea. Maybe the better option is to just keep quiet? It's hard. You want to share your life and your problems with the people in your life and certainly dont want to drive them bat shit crazy by sounding like a broken record for parroting the same list of problems over and over again but for fucks sake, I dont want to be doing the parroting either! It's a two way street people.

BLAH! I hate being like this. I really do. Life's not terrible. It's actually not bad at all right now but there's just SOMETHING going on lately and it's really just irritating me and I think that my irritation is being misdirected at timees but oh so accurate at other times.

And all of that aside, ultimately, everyone's their own person--myself included--and sometimes (all the time) i get frustrated with myself!

One of my best friends is always challenging me by saying "Says who?" i.e. If I say I can't do something or if I don't feel like something, this person is always like Says Who? To which the answer I usually shoot back is says me. And then they say that I need to change that perception and that's true at times.

I dont know.

Over it!

T-T-T-Telephone

Greetings from a very sleep deprived and bugged out Sally.

Today is an ettiquette lesson from yours truly.

Telephone Manners. And by telephone, you nkow I mean cell phone, smart phone, i phone...etc.

Maybe the following rules don't apply to you and it's not something you care about BUT if you wanna stay connected with me? Play ball.

Rules (in no particular order)
1.) Don't text a phone conversation: Just dont. I dont want to get 5 texts from you, start to reply after the first one and then you bombard me and interupt with 4 more texts. Pick up the damn phone, make it a 5 minute convo (for those of you who hate talking on the phone).

2.) Don't send 10 one word texts: Okay so i totally get that sometimes your phone will send a text before you meant for it to. Shit happens. Totally legit. BUT.When it starts being like this:
"Hey."
"Sally"
"Whatsup?"
"Haven't talked to you in a while."
"Just thinkin bout you."
"Hope all is well."
"Let me know if you wanna hangout smetime"
"sometime*"
"Miss you!"
":)"
LEARN TO STRING A FUCKING SENTENCE TOGETHER GAHHHHHHHHHH.

3.) Don't text me something juicy and then not pick up the call when the person calls you back immediately after you sent it unless you reallllllly can't.
Ex: "Got my pregnancy test results. OMG FML!!!"

4.) ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY DO NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT GLOSS OVER A TEXT LIKE YOU AINT GOT IT AND NOT ACKNOWLEDGE IT.
Phone offender (is person B):
Saturday
A: "What are you up to tonight?"
B: (no response)
A: "hellloooo?"
B: (No response)
A: "ok...maybe another time..."
Sunday
B: "OMG Remember that time at the beach with that crazy homeless person? i thought i saw the same person yesterday!"

T R I F L I N'

If you have plans or don't wanna see person A for whatever reason, just fucking say so. Or follow example below:

Proper way to handle the sitch:
Saturday
A: "What are you up to tonight?"
B: (no response)
A: "hellloooo?"
B: (No response)
A: "ok...maybe another time..."
Sunday
B: "Ahhh sorry I didn't hit you back last night! I feel asleep b/c im lame and old..."

5.) If you push reject...the person on the other end is gonna know. Period. End of story. I'm sorry but let's not even pretend like we don't know. This is breakdown for my clueless (which hopefully is none of you...!)
-Phone goes straight to vm--they're in a shitty area with no reception or their phone is off/died.
-Phone rings and rings and rings and then voicemail: either theey legitly missed your call or are too polite to reject *Note: if on a business call/phone interview or breaking up, TOTALLY acceptable to hit reject
-Phone rings 2-3 times and then rolls to vm: My friend, you have been DENIED! Don't take it personally. It could be for any given reason like the few i mentioned above.
-----
I was gonna keep going but as I mentioned earlier (or at least i think i did) i'm sleep deprived and exhausted. Possible TBD but i think i've hit some main points.

Gnite!!

FREAK OUT!

I'm freaking out. I can't believe I'm still freaking out. Not in a bad way and not in a good way--just a general laskdjflsakdjfalskdjfsadkjf FML.

It's finally come to this. Later than sooner but isn't that how it always goes?

I'm about to finally have another 'final' talk with someone. Someone who probably doesn't appreciate that i'm throwing out our biznass into cyberland like this. But i can't function right now and what does a sally do best under pressure? Bitch, smoke, write. In that order.

I love this person genuinely and sincerely and fiercely. But at some point, as my big bro said earlier--somethings gotta give. I think i've bounced my thoughts off of far more people than I intended to (but not too many) and I've come to the epiphany that maybe i kept asking around b/c i didn't know if i was just crazy or the person i talked to was just crazy or what.

I'm scared outta my mind but more anxious and determined. Everything will be fine and my predicition will probably be spot on:
1. I will freak out and almost back out
2. I'll follow through
3. It won't be poorly received b/c i know the person on the other end, despite his worst days and poorest of wording, will not annihilate me when it comes to things like this. Or we would've been done LONNNNG ago.
4. A round of I told you so's (REALLY not looking forward to that) along with passive aggressive ways of telling me I wasted my time
5. I'll feel better but still kinda be miserable only at this point i've talked it into the ground and then some that people I will not verbalize it b/c i dont feel like anyone understands.

Wish me luck. I'll need it.

Under Pressure

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

That feels better.

I love writing. I do. I really do. I love writing, I love my blog and I love all my readers--even those of you who I dont actually know. I appreciate your dedication to reading and the support. And I hate to say this but I do like that some of my unknown readers are from other countries--I'm like cool! I'm international bitchessssss hahaha

What i don't love is I feel like I dont always know what to say...And havent for some time. And it's not even that I don't have stories. Puh-leasee. If you know anything about me it's that I'm full of these crazy wacky stories that are unfortunately true stories LOL

Unfortunately as the fan base (for lack of a better word) grows, I feel more nervous about writing. Well..obviously not that much more nervous since I'm writing right now but you know what i mean. I feel like I need to be funnier than my last post or more poignant or meaningful. Do I start using code names? Can i bitch about my friends who i know read this even if I use code names? I have some good stories from work but I can't write about work in case someone from work stumbles upon this. I dont know. I know i know... WTF is Sally talking about and where's the funny shit? Scroll scroll scroll. hahah

Blahhhhhhhh i dont know. Until I figure it out, read an old blog since the last one I left you all with was totally depressing. I didn't mean for it to be but sometimes life is shitty (but not always for long!)

Okay. I'm making myself go to bed. My brain is totally fried. I think it's because I've been in "GO!" mode for the past 2 months. Wedding madnss, Camping madness, almost getting arrested madness, Birthday madness--I barely remember sleeping!

Yeah this was totally pointless and i shouldn't hit "publish post" but i am b/c i try my best to keep it real. Til next time readers (if i still have any left...LOL) i've got a benadryl with my name on it so i can pass the fuck out. Night!

How to Save a Life

Okay so.. here's the rundown.

A friend of mine passed and I've been struggling since I found out yesterday. What do i do best to cope with stress? I chain smoke and write. It's not healthy but it helps me.


I was friends with this girl, who i met in 5th grade. We hung out together a lot, esp b/c we lived in the same neighborhood. Even when she moved away, we still hung out whenever our parents could find time to drive us. Then, as a lot of childhood friendships go, we just lost touch. No big fight. No fuck yous. Simple we just lost touch kinda thing.


She facebooked me last year. I was really surprised. I hadn't seen or heard her name in YEARS. I think the last time i actually saw her in person was in middle school and I think I talked to her once in high school...maybe college. She had a pretty rough life from what I remember and seems that it only got rougher as time went on. We were pretty different from each other. At the time, i was super shy and really quiet (obviously a far cry from me today) and a really good girl. She was bold, rebellious, spoke her mind and lived like there were no consequences in life. Sometimes I was glad i wasn't like that. Other times, I was envious of her ability to just not give a damn and speak her mind. I'm not quite sure how our friendship came about or worked but it did.

Her initial message to me was very eager and hopeful--is this really you Sally? I really hope so. And with some hesitation I wrote her back. I hesitated because in my mind, I thought, if she was still up to the same thing she was doing in high school (which really was a snowball effect form what she was getting into in elementary school) when we had briefly caught up on the phone...I wasn't sure this would be a good thing. I know me--I give people chances even though I say I dont. I wasn't sure I wanted to get caught up in her world, whatever it was like. But then i thought, no, maybe she changed. So I wrote back and let her know she had gotten the right Sally and asked how things were going. She insisted I call her instead of these back and forth facebook messages. I told her sure but at the time I had a friend staying with me so I wasn't sure I'd have time to call that week. She must've taken it the wrong way b/c then she sends me a message saying that if i didn't wanna talk to her, she understands and that her mom had passed after we spoke in high school and i had moved so she didn't know how to get in touch with me. She missed me and during that time she only wanted to talk to me but couldn't get a hold of me. She wanted to catch up but understood if i didn't want to...Immediately, I felt like an asshole and wrote back that I would call her and I did once my house guest had left.

I thought it might be awkward but it actually wasn't. She developed a strong southern accent and told me that life had gotten rough for her. In and out of jail and rehab, trouble with drugs, trouble with people in general. She talked about her mom passing and how hard it was for her. And how it was even harder to find me, which made me laugh. I do keep a low profile online. No twitters, myspaces and what not. Just a facebook and good old blogs. Anyways, she told me how much she missed me and thought of me and how was i? I told her I was doing well. I had called her during a lunch break at my job. She asked what I did for a living and when I told her, she was very impressed. As I told her, she really shouldn't be impressed. It was a bullshit job for an even more of a bullshit company but I digress. Then she asked if I graduated college and did i get a scholarship? With hesitation, I muttered a yes and changed the topic. I know i shouldn't down play my education but I certainly didn't wanna seem like i was rubbing it in.

She laughed and said "Yeah i thought you would. You were always a good girl...I bet you partied hard too though didn't you?" It made me laugh and still does. I dont know how she knew but she was right on. Yup. Still a good girl who has a partying side but that I've cut back on it a lot. Then she talked about how her partying side was subsiding as well. I figured, eh we're at that age. She was like well that and I'm trying to stay sober now and somehow I figured she wasn't just talking about alcohol. She didn't wanna get into it so i didn't push. She let me know that she got caught up in some bad shit and busted a few times for various reasons--she alluded to fights and drugs-- and that she had decided to change. No more drugs. No more drama. No more. She wanted to go back to school to maybe even be a counselor to help others like her. I was really proud of her and told her so. I told her I would help her find a job and thought she was awesome for what she wanted to do. She sounded proud of herself too. I encouraged her to really go for it b/c she's smart, nice and keeps it real. She sounded bashful but thanked me.

Then we talked about meeting up in person sometime when I wasn't working. She said she didn't have a job b/c of her record and no license. I dont know why but my brain went uhhhhhhhhhhh this may not be a good move Sally. If you pick her up and she says that people are after her b/c she's out of the drug ring...that could be a bad situation, especially if we met for a drink. She wasn't sure of a nearby coffee place b/c she said she just moved back to the NOVA area recently but maybe hang out at her place? I was like umm yeah. I didn't know waht my work schedule was like (even though I as 9-6 it hardly worked out that way). I told her we could aim for 4th of July weekend and I'd call her later to discuss details, where she lived etc.

Only I never did. Part of me was scared she would call me b/c...it's not that i didn't wanna see her. I actually really did. I was more so nervous about her surroundings and the people she associated with (particularly the ones that didn't like her). Then I legitly got caught up in a shitstorm known as work and let it fall to the wayside.

I've since switched jobs and as I have some time off and now that it's been a while I thought, what the hell. I wanna see her and I'm over being guessing/judgmental Sally. Now i just wanna see my friend and see how she's doing. I went through my phone and couldn't find her number. Weird! I swore I saved it.

So i did what any one would do nowadays. I went to facebook to send her a message. Her page pulled up and the first thing I see is RIP... I was like huh? Then i saw the other messages. I was like no, they can't be talking ABOUT her. it must be someone she knows or maybe she had a miscarriage. who knows! So i started going through the comments on her page. No...she definitely died. I started shaking badly. How could i not? I was ready to have coffee and chill with her and can't...because she's passed away. WTF??? And as I'm reading i have no clue how it happened. Car accident? I read more messages...no that wasn't it. I got frustrated and jumped to google.

Whats one of the first things I see? An article about her. I was like ok...and clicked on the link. The story was about how her home was invaded by the police for heroin possession, trafficking, use, multiple firearms and an undisclosed amount of money. Um...WHAT? That article was in October and if you remember from earlier, I talked ot her in late June. WTF???

My sorrows for her went to the wayside and my first thought was, You fucking lied to me. AGAIN. Fucking lied. You're better than this and you lied and said you were getting help. That you wanted to change. That you wanted better for yourself. Obviously you didn't.

Then i froze.

I'm getting mad at someone who's life was ended too short and that I didn't know the whole story from. Maybe she was better. Maybe someone put that stuff in her house. And most of all, who the FUCK am i to judge someone? How DARE i?

I felt sick for thinking the mean and angry thoughts that I did. And then i felt awful. Way to be judgmental! And in true Sally fashion, I cried. Not for a long time, and not uncontrollably but I was truly upset and sad for her.

I read the messages over and over again on her wall. I had a strong suspicion she over dosed or killed herself.

I frantically messaged people who wrote on her wall in hopes to get some information and to find out where she was laid to rest.

I got a response not too long ago--she died of an overdose (heroin i would assume) and was cremated.

Um..what?

I'm stuck now in this horrible place. I'm FURIOUS with her for being so fucking stupid as to doing HEROIN and not taking the help that was right in front of her face. And for telling me that she wished she had more Sallys in her life so she wouldn't be where she is. I'm not an angel but I do have some common sense and self worth. And wheen we did talk, I did consider coming back into her life full force to keep her away from the drugs, introduce her to some sober and fun people, get her a job, encourage her through the rough times to push through. But then i thought, fuck it. Im sick of playing the role of the guardian angel for people who need guidance.

Then I'm FURIOUS with me for sounding like a heartless bitchface. Then I'm upset for not getting the chance to have seen her when she asked. And I'm upset that she didn't get a chance to fight through. She didn't want to die. She just did. And that's fucking terrible. All my crazy opinions and feelings aside, it's fucking fucking fucking terrible. She deserved SO much better.

Then the few people I have told about this..I'm confused by their reactions. 2 were really great. Everyone else seems great initially but then i feel like im being fed cliches and i know for damn sure im worth more than a fucking cliche. And some are so apathetic and I'm annoyed. Look just b/c im not bawling doesnt mean im not going through a rough fucking time. And then when people say their sorry i bristle and am like, i'm fine. why wouldn't i be?

I dont know. I dont know how to feel.

I put a little shoutout song to her as "How To Save a Life" on Facebook. I know she would've strongly preferred "One Sweet Day." She loved Mariah Carey. She loved that song. I know she would've preferred that song but the way I feel now i feel like "How To Save a Life" is more appropriate.

Where did I go wrong
I lost a friend
Some where along in the bitterness
But I would've stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life...

Amen, The Fray. A-frickin-men.

Not sure how or why I felt the need to share this private happening to the public but i did. Im confused and yeah...

Burnin' Up!

Okay so I should probably be asleep but I should probably a lot of things. I'll get to everything eventually. It's just so damn hot that I can't sleep and feel like I'm burnin' up. Seriously.

I think I'm starting to feel more like myself again now that I've had a little time to destress. I'm forcing myself to go out again and I'm finding that once I'm back out there, I'm fine.





Friday night I met my blasian bro for a bevie and found out that I'm actually not bad at shooting hoops despitee my magnificent height of 5'4. Don't scoff. It is. I know my legal eagle Ike and bff Doodle have snorted with laughter when I say I am 5'4. Ike insists 5'4 in heels and that i look like i'mi 14, possibly 15 with make up and Doodle thinks i'm 5' and look like im 17. For the record to both men, if i look 15-17 yrs old and you're both over 30..that makes you both perverts and Chris Hansen is gonna bust through your doors. Also saw some old coworkers which was nice!







Saturday--Bridal shower day! It was at 2941 which is a gorgeous restaurant on the water in Falls Church. (Side note, AMAZING tuna tartare!) Who knew there was water in Falls Church? Aside from me totally face planting during a rescue mission and suffering from terrible hair syndrome, it went beautifully. Guests on time-ish, gorgeous center pieces, lots of fun gifts, an adorable cake--a good time was had by all for the bride we all love! Oh! And my JeoparTi game turned out okay! Ok i make it sound like it was some super awesome thing when it can be argued that it looked like a glamorous 7th grade sciene fair project but dammit, I was proud i pulled it off and that the questions all had clever hints sandwiched in them. Woo hoo! Best wishes to my Kimora and Jiman.











(Oh separate wedding note: Please visit this link to show your support for gay marriage and add your name! Gotta show my love for all and their RIGHT to love as well!)







Sat night was pretty nice and chill too--I went to Primetime in FFx with the bride and some of the ladies from the shower and it was actually pretty decent there--well for ffx. It's a hell of a lot better than V5 which seems to be the current wateringhole/Cheers-esque bar. Maybe the fact that i don't feel like im going to get shanked on my way to my car helps. hahah There's nothing wrong with V5-- I think I'm just over it since that's where i feel like i watch sports and it was the closest bar to my old job for HH. Overload!!!




Today didn't go out out but went to my sister's colleague's easter lunch/dinner (linner?) thing which was cool. I felt kinda funny b/c her colleague's son and friends are in high school but my sister's colleague is a bit older than me so I felt like I was too old to mingle with the kiddos and not old enough to talk with the grown ups. LOL It was fun though. Always good to meet new people and have good eats around. Although with summer creepin' up, can't have TOO many good eats!

Now it's 1:39am and there's no reason for me to be blogging or up or up and blogging but it's like ridiculously hot in my room. gahhhhhh!

Ok, game plan--switch to a wife beater which i've been meaning to do for the past 6 hours (hahahah) and attempt sleep again.

Not Listenin' When You Say...Goodbye

Per my blog tradition, ever blog is named after a lyric or song title and this 3rd Eye Blind song is for my Lindsey Doll (check out her blog at http://lessonsfromlemons.blogspot.com/)

Anyways, back in college this guy I was on the school paper with Frank always made fun of me, saying that I say when I'm wrapping up a phone call that I say the most polite and perky "bye" ever.

Honestly? I never paid much attention to how I say hi or bye to people in person or on the phone. I try to be as friendly as possible--I mean why wouldn't I? I'm talking to my friends, I would assume!

I know this is all very random but like every once in a while since Frank pointed it out, I'll tune in and pay attention to how people say bye. I've gotta say that while 100% of my friends are a joy to talk to, 90% of my friends are terrible about the goodbyes. When they say it for whatever reason, the person's tone gets really flat or like they're irritated. (which hopefully is not directly related to the conversation they had with me. LOL). Also, i would say about 60% of the hellos sound like "HELLO IM IRRITATED AND OR SUPER BUSY." But then once they start talking they sound less like the exorcist and more like that people I love and was hoping to get on the other end of the phone.

Totally random thought/blog but now that I've put it out there, really pay attention to how people say hi and bye--it'll probably make you laugh!