One

Weird! So, I think Ive figured out something that took me longer than it should. I think Im alone... like not like alone in that im by myself right now (I would like to think that that would be something im totally sure of hahah) but alone in that, i like dont have another half. And i dont mean that in a romantical way although thats not totally false either. A manfriend does not a technical relationship make. Almost every single one of my friends has a bff/bestie but I dont!

And im not sure how I feel about it in one word. Im not sad. Im not jealous. Im also not like oh hurray! haha Its just weird to be honest. Ive gone through waves of besties, but no one thats really there or is still actively around. Im kinda puzzled to be honest.

Im slowly trudging my way through fall birthday hell, meaning, theres a shit ton of important bdays last month, this month and through november. Shoot me.

Anyways, I think all of these bdays made me think of how everyones bff is doing something or did something for them. I havent celebrated my bday in like five years....and bdays aside, I dont have pix owith bff and me all over fb and we arent love bombing each others posts etc. Im not invited to the same parties as bff and we dont get sloppy and have crazy nights filled with private jokes. We dont roll our eyes and move as a unit to the parties we dont want to go to but are obligated to go to. And this isnt a diss to my close friends, please, as if. Love the lovely close friends but a bff is usually one person who gets it in a way that others, including spouses and partners may not get.
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Im not really in the market for one and frankly its too late bc you cant go back in time. I do sometimes wonder if theres something, a vibe or sometjing im putting out like 'hi my name is sally and we can be friends, and maybe even close friends but i dont need you or anyone as a bff kthanksbye.'

I think the other problem is that i have commitment phobia like a mother fucker. Everyone says that they are and maybe we all are a bit, but ,ine might be to an alarming level. I contracted bc the prospect of being a a perm employee was daunting aka terrifying. Im notoriously seeing someone but without a title. I cant even keep a best friend. Geez...

None,of this i even mean in a self deprecating way. just interesting is all.

 anyways, blogging from my bed was the best worst idea ever. So comfy. So just talking out my ass at this,point.